Talk About Marriage banner

Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 8 of 8 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
3 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
i there. First, thank you to everyone who has posted on this board. I feel less lonely knowing there are others out there feeling the same way.

After a series of not nice boy friends, i have managed to meet the best boy friend in the world. I truly don't know a soul like him. He's incredibly attentive, loves me to death, is supportive of everything i do, listens when i need help, is trying everyday to relate to what i'm going through. He holds me when i cry and am shaking, promises to read the self help books i read when i'm upset and only wants to make me happy and nothing less. For some bloody reason, i am scared to death and i can't figure out why. I come from a family of divorce. i was raised by my mother btu still saw my father on occasion. He is not a negative figure in my life in anyway but a partially abcent one. I am a fun, curious, creative, eager woman of 24 and when i am feeling happy, i feel like i can take on the world. However, for some reasons relationships seem to set me into a depressional/anxious state. When i met my now boy friend (who is 19yrs), we began as friends. I met him through my best friend's little brother and soon took him under my wing in university as he was new and was timid. We soon grew closer and after a night of too much drinking, we "hooked up". I was totally thrown and didn't expect it to happen but it did. Feelings grew and now we're together. For such a young person, he's an incredibly old soul and is more mature than many of the 30 year old men i know. So what i don't understand is why i am so anxious?

For the first while i paniced because i didn't have "over the moon, in love, starry eyed, die for you" feelings, but soon learned those relationships dont necessarly work out. There have been times where i have felt things for him that i never have and soon realised that i loved him after much anxious thinking. However, i am still tryign to talk myself out of being with him. I fear his age a lot of the time and that he's too young for me, too childish at times and acts his age. It is incredibly painful that i feel this way and i hate myself for it. One of my biggest fears is that he loves me more than i love him but i don't know if that's true because when i'm not upset and feeling great, i feel like i love him to death. But more often than not, that is my biggest fear. i know i love him but i feel like he's so deeply in love with me because i'm his first very serious girl friend (and he is the second person i've been brave enough to say "i love you too"). We spend a lot of time together at school and after a while it becomes too much for me and i need my space. Normal yes, but i beat myself up about it because he begins to annoy me by kissing me over and over and over, constantly poking at me and touching me and telling me he loves me over and over and over. Don't get me wrong, i'd rather him over love me than be neglectful, but i just feel like a real jerk havign to tell him to back off. it scares me to hear it sometimes because if feel like i'm just leadign him on in a way because i maybe don't feel as strongly. But i jsut don't know. I love him adn want to be with him but i'm so scared. I have been having panic attacks, talking to everyone, councellors, friends, family. I even am on anti-anxiety medicine now which is helping big time. But i just need to know if i am normal and if what i'm feeling isn't true. I feel like my heart and head aren't in sync and i am afraid. I don't want to hurt him. I am terrified inside that if i break up with him i will be losing the best thing i've ever had. btu i can't seem to shake the thought from my head permanently. What do i do? Am i wrong for feeling this way? Has anyone else felt like this? how are your relationships? Please... i need advice.
 

·
Administrator
Joined
·
44,459 Posts
I think yu need to go to counseling and work through this.

You are over thinking everything.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3 Posts
Discussion Starter · #3 ·
You're exactly right and i am working on this through councelling. The medicine is helping big time but i feel like my priorities are backwards. I'm focusing on how young he is and how he acts sometimes that freak me out because he's only 19 years old. I know what is important: he's loving, he's there for me, he'll do anything for me, he'll fight to keep me (and already has through this saddness i'm going through), he's such a positive person, he and i are so alike in so many ways, his family is SO wonderful which in turn reflects in him, he knows what's important. So what is happening??? i feel like i'm very insecure about his age but need to know how to get over that. Age is just a number but for some stupid reason i can't seem to believe that...
 

·
Administrator
Joined
·
44,459 Posts
My husband is 6 years younger than I am. A 6 year difference is not that big a deal.

I have a nephew who at 18 started dating a woman who was 24. They married when he was 19 and she 25. They have two beautiful sons. About 12 years after they married she had an affair and left him.

In the end he ended up with the boys because he is far more stable than she. He's a wonderful father and a police detective.

Some people at that young of an age can be very responsible. Good people are hard to find. I'd say calm down and give the relationship a chance.

And when he starts acting his age... join him. You say he starts poking at you and such. Poke back. Even have a water fight or two. Bring grownup does not mean that we stop acting like kids sometimes.

My dad used to do that to my mom. They were in their 30's through throught 52 when he died. They used to 'play' all the time.

I'm 62.... I still engage in a water fight or two every summer. Why not, anything harmless that gets people laughing is healthy.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3 Posts
Discussion Starter · #5 ·
thank you for your advice. I feel that with time, this medicine will kick in at full capacity and i'll be able to relax way more than i can now. I will try the things you explained to me. I'm a very spatial person and i just need my space a lot of the time. It's hard to realize that when you're with someone you love and want to me around them all the time, you just can't seem to because of who you are. It sucks sometimes but i'm slowly realizing how important boundaries are. I feel like such a jerk asking for space because i know that all he ever wants is to be near me haha! He's such a good man... i'm so damn lucky to have him. I need to realize that because if i can't i don't know what will happen... In your 67 years, have you encountered anything like how i'm feeling??? i know you love your husband but have there been times where you feel like he's just too much to handle at times? almost overwhelming in a way? how do you deal with this?
 

·
Administrator
Joined
·
44,459 Posts
It's 62 years, not 67... Don't need any more year add... :D

Yes, there are times when I need my space. What do I do? I make time for myself.

Often times we have cycles. They are pretty predictable. Like needing time right after coming home from work. Saturday mornings I need to just veg on my own. Identify times when you feel a strong urge to be alone. If there is a pattern to them then plan for those times. Do something that you like doing alone. And then tell him that you love him but need some time to yourself. Negotiate times by yourself or to do things with a female friend or two.

After work I make sure I say hi to everyone in my family. Then I take a bath or shower and hang out in my bedroom for a while. .. half hour to an hour. I read, nap, play with the dog… something that helps me make the transition to family life and helps me shed the issues from work.

On Saturday mornings I like to go for a walk by myself. Or I go shopping to the malls, discount stores, etc looking for great bargains.

Things that include exercise will help with your anxiety..

Or you two can sit in a room together but doing solo things, reading, on the computer, etc.

Figure out what you want to do, when you want to do it and then talk to him about it. It’s important to communicate your needs with him.

How you handle this will be important because as the relationship goes on and he matures he will want more solo time. Men tend to develop their own ‘man cave’ where they go to get their solo time. If you can setup a healthy pattern for how you handle your need for it, he will be more likely to follow the pattern you setup.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,890 Posts
You have anxiety because that your body's (mind included) reaction to something fearful. Taking medications is a temporary fix, in my opinion.

Continue counseling like you are and you may eventually sort out those fears.

I wish you the best.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
628 Posts
I have read a book that helps me from going off in my thoughts. It is a Christain book so it may not be for you it is called battlefield of the mind by Joyce Meyers.

I have learned that I have not been thinking about what I am thinking about so my thoughts are just roaming about free and going where they will even if they are relentless and not reasonable but the habit keeps me in these thoughts and the fear they create 24/7. I hate being attacked by my own thoughts. So I am starting to pay attention because I can make a mess out of the small stuff pretty fast by over thinking about it and then the snow ball effect happens.

Maybe find some way to not always be in the thoughts that are driving you crazy. Surely they cannot just be ignored because they come from some where and need to be delt with I just found that for me it was distructive to let them and the feelings go on uncrontrolled.

I hope that you find some way to get passed this point in your life. Keep on keeping on it. There is sun shine out there for all of us.
 
1 - 8 of 8 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top