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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi all
I just need advice, opinions or hearing about your experiences with infidelity
2 years ago I discovered a text messages my wife sent to a co-worker the day he relocated overseas with his wife. They were both teachers and knew each other from university.
In 2013 I warned my wife about his intentions and told her I fully trust her. She told me about their history and that he tried to kiss her in university at a party. At that stage he was her friend’s boyfriend so she rejected the kiss and told him she won’t cheat on her friend and her boyfriend of the time.
After that I did not hear this guy’s name again till the message I discovered 2 years ago. No mention of him at all over the years, she totally kept him secret from me.
She did admit in 2013 when I warned her about him that she was uncomfortable with conversations she and him already had, yet she did not mention this to me at all.
We were living together already for 3 years before this discussions and were very happy.
I asked her to marry me and April 2014 we got married, went on honeymoon and came back to planet earth to start building our lives.
A couple of months in our first married year she started behaving different, intimacy and sex disappeared for over a year, she came home late, almost immediately fell asleep or on her phone.
She did not communicate at all so we became roommates.
What I discovered from going through her and my text conversations that:
-This co-worker lived on the school grounds in a small house they provide to some teachers.
-She had a dramatic increase of work commitments in the evenings coming home between 10 and 12 at night, once she came home at 3 am. Her explanation was school functions and having a few drinks with the other teachers afterwards.
-One evening she called me and told me all the teachers are sleeping over as they have a very early event at the school and she is too drunk to drive as well. The next day she told me she and this guy slept on a matrass on the living room floor that she was worried he would try something and she asked a female teacher to sleep in between them. Many years later when I asked again about that evening she told me she and the female teacher slept on his bed and he was on the couch. This bothers me as logically when a story changes it must be a lie.
- So in 9 months she worked 58 times till after 21:00,22:00,23:00 at night, she worked 35 weekends…this totally stopped after he left. In 2 years hardly 10 times and never after 20:00
-She sent him the text after he was gone and it was a love letter stating how lucky his wife is, how she will miss him and she wrote a letter she wants to send him. She also reminded him of a conversation they had weeks prior and this is the reason she was avoiding him. This discussion was 6 weeks prior at a wedding. I was also there and his wife. She claims she told him that if they were ever single that they could have been a good couple, but she will never cheat. To me this is no reason to avoid someone for 6 weeks.
-The day he left she was “sick” she told me she can’t stop crying and she does not know why. I told her to come home, cared for her, made soup etc etc. She was in bed for 6 days before she went back to work. From text messages I saw her co workers told he they can see she is not herself and she can talk to them. A month later still they told her to get healthy.
-Also a month after he left and she clearly mourned his loss from her life she decided to search and download marriage help videos, she saved them on a flash drive I found later. The titles of these videos was: Love but not in love, repair damage after affair, help to save marriage after emotional affair, worth saving as marriage after emotional affair etc etc.
-At the same time for the next 2-3 years she was never happy, she had emotional outbursts a few times when drunk( hysterical crying, climbing out of the car and walking off in the middle of the night on our way home( I ended up giving her the car and walked 10km back home). All the time I asked her to talk to me, she changed drastically and I don’t know why and she still never mentioned him.
-From text messages between her and her friends I was shocked. Months after our wedding she started bad mouthing me, called me a ****ty husband, I’m not there for her, I irritated her when I talk about work and my day, she avoided home because I was there, why did she marry…and worst she joked about how clueless I am and that she does not feel like telling me.
- While this bad mouthing and lying to friends was going on she never ever said a word about these “problems” with me she had, never once. She did make me promise I will always talk about everything, I will never keep SECRETS from her and I will never ever mention divorce. The amount of disrespect and painting me as the bad husband was shocking to me.
-She picked fights and made mountains out of silly things…example: I think money is important and talk about work yet also I don’t buy her a house fast enough. I forgot the day her father died years before and this led to her storming of and not telling me where she is, ignoring my calls and messages……yet my mother died 2 week prior to her dad and she totally forgot and I did not even mention it.
-In the 9 months before he left she was at the gym, had makeovers, new hair and was always looking beautiful. After he left she stopped this as well.
-I discovered they messaged each other till I discovered all of this, from 2015 till 2 years ago were I found a text from him asking if she is getting his messages. A teacher knew to tell her that he is coming to visit soon, and my wife later asked her if he is in the country yet. She claims she wanted to know so that she could avoid him.
The reason I stumbled upon the text message was because the evening prior to this she was at a school year end function and texted me at 22:00 that she almost leaving. At 2 am I have not heard from her nor has she responded to my texts so I went to bed. She stumbled in to the bedroom drunk as a skunk at 3:30 am and fell asleep. The next afternoon she told me they teachers were all partying and wanted to go and find another bar to continue. She and another male teacher went looking for a bar that was still open and after they could not find one they waited for a uber for my wife in a parking lot for an hour. I asked her why he could not drive 4 km more to drop her of at home and she responded he was scared of police catching him. So he waited with her for an uber in a parking lot for an hour at 2am in the morning. Both very drunk.
This made me uneasy and that night I took her phone and searched one name only, one that has been bothering my gut for years. The co-worker that left years ago’ s name. And this opened a can of worms
Her reaction to me finding the text was immediately that he was a good friend and she missed his farewell so she wanted to make up for it and sent the text to let him know she appreciated his friendship. She was adamant she did absolutely nothing wrong and they were just friends, nothing more. She admitted the text was wrong and not appropriate.

Over the 2 years I found more, caught her in lies( at the 3 marriage councillors she lied as well)She proclaimed that after the MC told her it was a emotional affair that she now only realise it. Not knowing I saw the videos were she was looking for help for emotional and affair.
I was blamed that it was my fault, she was lonely and a good man gave her attention so she used it and enjoyed it. She even in anger told me that he was a better person than me at the time. All to justify it. She gaslight, stormed off every time in extreme anger refusing to let me say a word when I tried to discuss it, called me paranoid, making it far worse in my head than what it was, told people how wrong I was treating her and she did nothing wrong(never truthful with them either), she threatened me with divorce many times and yelled in front of our children hysterically in tears.
The emotional hysterical outburst was within seconds of me telling her I need help with this and need to get the truth as my version is much worse. I don’t have information to help lessen the thoughts in my head.
She sent my texts were I was pleading for answers, explaining why I know she is lying and that her not acknowledging the lies at all she is hurting me, these dark moments in my life she sent to a teacher friend that is also friends with this guy, she did this so the teacher could type her response and discuss it before sending it back to me.
She deleted all traces of that time from her texts etc, big gaps in threads were I previously saw hurtful things. I was stupid and did not read it all at that time so now I will never know the truth.
She know as I made it clear that I don’t believe it was only emotional and will forever believe they had a full on affair. This is the only explanation to me why she lied over and over to be with him, they drank and was together many evenings late at night.She slept over and her story changed, she withheld intimacy and sex for over a year. She claims she was punishing me for my behaviour so she withheld sex.
After he left she struggled with intimacy and sex with me and this lead to another year of almost no sex. She went for therapy to overcome this problem and after that it slowly became better. One night she told me the problem was that a guy in university kept on trying to have sex with her and she gave in after a while.
Should I believe her that she never let her co worker touch her once? That it was only emotional and that she never lied to be with him once? That she has never seen him again….and that she chose me and never loved him more than me or made him more important to her.
To hide another man from your husband for so long, a man you needed to discuss feelings with, a man you cried over for months and missed him terribly. Such an important person and event in your life and you have to hide it from your husband. He is the outsider and knows nothing and must never know. Too years later still defend the other man, telling your husband it was his fault because the guy was a better man at the time….why??Does she still love him?
To start a family and have 3 kids with such a secret is selfish, I never got the chance to decide for myself and would have walked away immediately if I had known. Now I have small children so it is not easy at all. Trust will never be the same and the fact I don’t know the extent of the treachery, that even with clear proof and good reason to want and answer my wife refuses to answer(I can’t remember, I never lied etc etc and then hysterical outburst )
Was it only emotional or clearly without a doubt physical as well?
Should I contact him and tell him if he tells me the truth I won’t tell his wife?
Or just live with the questions I need answered….especially the big one….was it physical, did they have sex!
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
Thanks guys…everything I know I had to piece together.I have not divorced her because she is a good mother to my small children…and she got pregnant again a hear ago when I was fed up and about to end it.I have a baby boy that I want to hold and put to bed..leaving will rob me of that.

So telling the guy I will send all the messages etc to his wife if he does not answer my questions truthfully is a mistake?He does not know what I found and what I do have is more than enough to mess up his marriage.Im sure his wife had suspicions that time and maybe why she took a job overseas to move far away
Her co worker friends of that time knows definitely as her chats with them over all the dates she lied has been deleted.The chats ago back all the way to before all this and only certain dates are missing
 

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Discussion Starter · #45 ·
my children were born years after he moved overseas and no doubt are mine…I guess the long detailed description I wrote is me trying to find another explanation to me knowing it was 99% sexual as well…
 

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Discussion Starter · #55 ·
Look despite my best efforts to build a new marriage the problem is my love and respect died due to the way she chose to handle the discovery of that text. So what she wants most from me I cant give her....and that is her loss not mine.
I built a very comfortable life for us, ironically during her affair she was blind to the struggles of my life, and the triumphs.I built up 3 profitable businesses and soon I will be able to spend the majority of my time with my family.

If I leave her she will be worse of by far

All the problems I have in my life that appeared since the discovery seem to resolve themselves when I am not with her for a couple of weeks, I don't miss her and feel happy.

The worse part, I told her at the first marriage counselor that if she tells me the full truth and don't lie to me that I will not divorce her. She chose to lie.......
 

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Discussion Starter · #57 ·
At this stage I have protected my assets and companies in case I decide to walk away.As I stated I have a newborn baby boy,3 and 5 year old daughters to protect and put first,I don't care what anyone says,I went through a divorce as a child and it does mess up any child.

Im no chump or spineless man to want to try everything to avoid my kids having to deal with a stepfamily.Say what you will,a man does not care the same for children that are not his own.

However should I discover anything more she omitted or lied about in the future I will walk away immediately,she knows this

And the truth always finds a way to come out,like me stumbling on a text years later.

So for now I will give it a bit more time,if my baby boy is a toddler and I feel the same I will probably leave her anyway.

Someone mentioned how do I look her friends in the eyes..I don't,everyone I know she bad mouthed me to and was to cowardly to either tell me or believed it has been removed from my life.Her family as well..

Her family ,including my 3 brother in laws showed me they are not worth my loyalty and support.Believe me I have financially helped them over the years,I supported her mother and was always there when they needed someone.

I guess loyalty and family mean more to me than most

So I will be fine and will definitely not be hurt by my wife again,she cant break something that does not exists right.Im the dark of night it sucks as I stare at the ceiling pissed off many nights,but the sun always rises

One thing I never mentioned is the coward of a affair partner knew that time who I was ,he risked much, those years I would have not reacted well towards him if I found out.

Since the day I found the text he as gone underground,he deleted his social media etc.

He does not know some of his wife's friends are old dive mates of mine and they told me he is avoiding visiting Africa…so a coward that is scared of a man whose marriage he meddled in.
 

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Discussion Starter · #60 ·
Have you become convinced that it was physical? Have you confirmed it?
No I have no way of confirming it, but what other reasons would there be for a wife to stop having sex totally for so long, emotionally check out , need therapy for overcoming problems having sex with me after the guy left, problems that was never present for the 3 years before the affair....

That and the many , many late nights at work drinking at functions and afterwords with all the other teachers.Time , opportunity , alcohol and the night she said they all slept over but her version of where she slept changed over time....

This guy would have tried to cheat, knew she was into him, she knew he was into her....so logically odds are more in favour of physical than emotional affair.
 

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Discussion Starter · #62 ·
Thanks for the update.

I mentioned how do you look her friends in the eyes. You did the right thing by cutting off your wife's friends and relatives from your LIFE for betraying you, and made your wayward wife do the same as well. SOLID. These people are not worth your time and support. (y)

I still fail to understand why you chose to have kids with this woman after she had put you through so much?

You overlooked so many RED FLAGs early on but you were not sure that infidelity was involved? You learned much about your wife's affair RECENTLY?
Hi, I did not have kids with a cheater,I thought I stared a family with a loyal wife.I only discovered this mess after 2 off my children was already born.She chose to start a family without me knowing anything her betrayal....this is what pisses me of most.....

I just cant understand or process why a good girl, raised in a good home with morals, a girl that makes me promise to never have secrets and preaches how she would never cheat, live with a guy for 3 years happy as hell, get married and in a couple of months after the wedding engage in an affair and totally betray everything.The affair as far as I now started and ended when he left all in the first year or marriage

I might understand an affair years into a marriage , but months?
 

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Discussion Starter · #64 ·
OK, I understand now.

3rd baby due to hysterical bonding?

How your wife feels about this mess? Does she resent the OM now or she is only sorry for being caught by you?
3rd baby after I was away fishing for a week and came back!She now say she hates him but defended him at first…he was a good person that cared for het and gave attention to her,always made sure her drink was full,walked her to the car to make sure she was safe,he was a better person than me at the time..etc etc
 

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Discussion Starter · #67 ·
Might be…I suspect she will never be happy,no matter who she is married to and that is a character flaw maybe from childhood.He mother did not work a day in her life,her father worked himself to death to provide for her and 5 kids.The mom is selfish and self absorbed so maybe all was not sunshine and roses in her childhood home.Im just fed up thinking of this affair that I had no part of….no person marries and has an affair so fast….or maybe the fact she already hid him from me before our engagement means there was already something going on before our wedding…which is even more evil
 

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Discussion Starter · #71 ·
That should tell you who she is. Believe her or you’ll probably get more of what you’ve gotten.
Believe me I know now that it is not my fault for her unhappiness and anger towards me. What is strange is while she was hiding this "emotional affair" developing and till it ended when he moved she picked fights for silly stupid things, and not very often.I did get a lot of texts that time while she was always working late were she apologized for snapping at me or saying something I did not deserve.

She did however bad mouthed me and our marriage behind my back , all things that she never mentioned to me and none of it was present before either

After he left this dramatically increased behind my back and also in her attitude towards me, she was critical , angry, blaming me for everything she felt was wrong and what I did or did not do to make her happy.

She deleted her facebook account " told me she was making herself unhappy by looking at other peoples lives and they looked so happy and did so many wonderful things" so she deleted it to stop looking

Obviously she was stalking his Facebook profile

I felt like a bad husband because she was always not happy with me , whatever I did it was never good enough.

Example: When my 1st born was 3 I took my family to our holiday home at the coast, literally spent 17 days with her and the kids 24/7 and we then visited her family down the coast at her mothers house. The first time we went to the beach there my brother in laws insisted we go and have a beer in a bar overlooking the beach, in full sight of our families.Keep in mind my wife was with her 2 sister in laws with their children, her mother.I had 3 sips of my beer when she came walking up to to the bar and yelled"your n **** dad" ......the people in the bar laughed , the people on the beach heard it and looked at me..
Why was I deserving of this?Because I went for a beer with her family, not one of theire wifes had an issue with this....

Later the holiday I walked in to her telling her mother she has a husband that does nothing to help her.

I did not take this treatment and it led to me being very angry at her.

So in her mind I was the bad husband and to blame for everything, nothing I did was acknowledged or did not matter for years after her affair.....it did not apparently matter to her that it all started when she decided to hide another man and start a love affair.....and this my friends was the poison that caused every single one of my marital problems to date.

So I refuse to feel guilty or take any blame
 

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Discussion Starter · #75 ·
I’m curious what you believe she was doing when working late?

also, why would you stay with a woman who doesn’t love you and seemingly is repulsed by the thought of you. If you say for the kids, you’re just using them as an excuse. Kids shouldn’t see you staying with a cheater who doesn’t love you. Horrible example.
I disagree that trying all possible options and to give it as long as possible for the sake of my small children is an excuse.They are very young and will not understand till they are much older.Meanwhile they will be scared,hurt,confused and definitely in some way feel like its they’re fault.I lived through a divorce as child so I know how it feels.
It takes strength and backbone to put others that or so totally dependent on you for their future and happiness 1st. My life and happiness does not matter if it comes to them…think what you want about me but I guarantee you if this came to light years ago before my first born that I would have cut her out of my life so fast her head would still be spinning.
 

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Discussion Starter · #76 ·
It is a FUBAR situation and millions of people has experienced the same before all of us.It is not a death sentence for my happiness and this to shall pass like all the hard times before
My wife lost the most from this and knows my perception and feelings for her ,my marriage history and trust for her has forever changed for the worse.She has to live with the fact that I dont believe it when she say that she loves me and that she destroyed the relationships I had with her family and friends…the control she had over me is gone and nothing she does will give it to her again….so she lost what could have been a pure untainted marriage full of trust and respect.
All for a few months of whatever with a married man that lives on his wife's back for support.
 
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