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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi all
I just need advice, opinions or hearing about your experiences with infidelity
2 years ago I discovered a text messages my wife sent to a co-worker the day he relocated overseas with his wife. They were both teachers and knew each other from university.
In 2013 I warned my wife about his intentions and told her I fully trust her. She told me about their history and that he tried to kiss her in university at a party. At that stage he was her friend’s boyfriend so she rejected the kiss and told him she won’t cheat on her friend and her boyfriend of the time.
After that I did not hear this guy’s name again till the message I discovered 2 years ago. No mention of him at all over the years, she totally kept him secret from me.
She did admit in 2013 when I warned her about him that she was uncomfortable with conversations she and him already had, yet she did not mention this to me at all.
We were living together already for 3 years before this discussions and were very happy.
I asked her to marry me and April 2014 we got married, went on honeymoon and came back to planet earth to start building our lives.
A couple of months in our first married year she started behaving different, intimacy and sex disappeared for over a year, she came home late, almost immediately fell asleep or on her phone.
She did not communicate at all so we became roommates.
What I discovered from going through her and my text conversations that:
-This co-worker lived on the school grounds in a small house they provide to some teachers.
-She had a dramatic increase of work commitments in the evenings coming home between 10 and 12 at night, once she came home at 3 am. Her explanation was school functions and having a few drinks with the other teachers afterwards.
-One evening she called me and told me all the teachers are sleeping over as they have a very early event at the school and she is too drunk to drive as well. The next day she told me she and this guy slept on a matrass on the living room floor that she was worried he would try something and she asked a female teacher to sleep in between them. Many years later when I asked again about that evening she told me she and the female teacher slept on his bed and he was on the couch. This bothers me as logically when a story changes it must be a lie.
- So in 9 months she worked 58 times till after 21:00,22:00,23:00 at night, she worked 35 weekends…this totally stopped after he left. In 2 years hardly 10 times and never after 20:00
-She sent him the text after he was gone and it was a love letter stating how lucky his wife is, how she will miss him and she wrote a letter she wants to send him. She also reminded him of a conversation they had weeks prior and this is the reason she was avoiding him. This discussion was 6 weeks prior at a wedding. I was also there and his wife. She claims she told him that if they were ever single that they could have been a good couple, but she will never cheat. To me this is no reason to avoid someone for 6 weeks.
-The day he left she was “sick” she told me she can’t stop crying and she does not know why. I told her to come home, cared for her, made soup etc etc. She was in bed for 6 days before she went back to work. From text messages I saw her co workers told he they can see she is not herself and she can talk to them. A month later still they told her to get healthy.
-Also a month after he left and she clearly mourned his loss from her life she decided to search and download marriage help videos, she saved them on a flash drive I found later. The titles of these videos was: Love but not in love, repair damage after affair, help to save marriage after emotional affair, worth saving as marriage after emotional affair etc etc.
-At the same time for the next 2-3 years she was never happy, she had emotional outbursts a few times when drunk( hysterical crying, climbing out of the car and walking off in the middle of the night on our way home( I ended up giving her the car and walked 10km back home). All the time I asked her to talk to me, she changed drastically and I don’t know why and she still never mentioned him.
-From text messages between her and her friends I was shocked. Months after our wedding she started bad mouthing me, called me a ****ty husband, I’m not there for her, I irritated her when I talk about work and my day, she avoided home because I was there, why did she marry…and worst she joked about how clueless I am and that she does not feel like telling me.
- While this bad mouthing and lying to friends was going on she never ever said a word about these “problems” with me she had, never once. She did make me promise I will always talk about everything, I will never keep SECRETS from her and I will never ever mention divorce. The amount of disrespect and painting me as the bad husband was shocking to me.
-She picked fights and made mountains out of silly things…example: I think money is important and talk about work yet also I don’t buy her a house fast enough. I forgot the day her father died years before and this led to her storming of and not telling me where she is, ignoring my calls and messages……yet my mother died 2 week prior to her dad and she totally forgot and I did not even mention it.
-In the 9 months before he left she was at the gym, had makeovers, new hair and was always looking beautiful. After he left she stopped this as well.
-I discovered they messaged each other till I discovered all of this, from 2015 till 2 years ago were I found a text from him asking if she is getting his messages. A teacher knew to tell her that he is coming to visit soon, and my wife later asked her if he is in the country yet. She claims she wanted to know so that she could avoid him.
The reason I stumbled upon the text message was because the evening prior to this she was at a school year end function and texted me at 22:00 that she almost leaving. At 2 am I have not heard from her nor has she responded to my texts so I went to bed. She stumbled in to the bedroom drunk as a skunk at 3:30 am and fell asleep. The next afternoon she told me they teachers were all partying and wanted to go and find another bar to continue. She and another male teacher went looking for a bar that was still open and after they could not find one they waited for a uber for my wife in a parking lot for an hour. I asked her why he could not drive 4 km more to drop her of at home and she responded he was scared of police catching him. So he waited with her for an uber in a parking lot for an hour at 2am in the morning. Both very drunk.
This made me uneasy and that night I took her phone and searched one name only, one that has been bothering my gut for years. The co-worker that left years ago’ s name. And this opened a can of worms
Her reaction to me finding the text was immediately that he was a good friend and she missed his farewell so she wanted to make up for it and sent the text to let him know she appreciated his friendship. She was adamant she did absolutely nothing wrong and they were just friends, nothing more. She admitted the text was wrong and not appropriate.

Over the 2 years I found more, caught her in lies( at the 3 marriage councillors she lied as well)She proclaimed that after the MC told her it was a emotional affair that she now only realise it. Not knowing I saw the videos were she was looking for help for emotional and affair.
I was blamed that it was my fault, she was lonely and a good man gave her attention so she used it and enjoyed it. She even in anger told me that he was a better person than me at the time. All to justify it. She gaslight, stormed off every time in extreme anger refusing to let me say a word when I tried to discuss it, called me paranoid, making it far worse in my head than what it was, told people how wrong I was treating her and she did nothing wrong(never truthful with them either), she threatened me with divorce many times and yelled in front of our children hysterically in tears.
The emotional hysterical outburst was within seconds of me telling her I need help with this and need to get the truth as my version is much worse. I don’t have information to help lessen the thoughts in my head.
She sent my texts were I was pleading for answers, explaining why I know she is lying and that her not acknowledging the lies at all she is hurting me, these dark moments in my life she sent to a teacher friend that is also friends with this guy, she did this so the teacher could type her response and discuss it before sending it back to me.
She deleted all traces of that time from her texts etc, big gaps in threads were I previously saw hurtful things. I was stupid and did not read it all at that time so now I will never know the truth.
She know as I made it clear that I don’t believe it was only emotional and will forever believe they had a full on affair. This is the only explanation to me why she lied over and over to be with him, they drank and was together many evenings late at night.She slept over and her story changed, she withheld intimacy and sex for over a year. She claims she was punishing me for my behaviour so she withheld sex.
After he left she struggled with intimacy and sex with me and this lead to another year of almost no sex. She went for therapy to overcome this problem and after that it slowly became better. One night she told me the problem was that a guy in university kept on trying to have sex with her and she gave in after a while.
Should I believe her that she never let her co worker touch her once? That it was only emotional and that she never lied to be with him once? That she has never seen him again….and that she chose me and never loved him more than me or made him more important to her.
To hide another man from your husband for so long, a man you needed to discuss feelings with, a man you cried over for months and missed him terribly. Such an important person and event in your life and you have to hide it from your husband. He is the outsider and knows nothing and must never know. Too years later still defend the other man, telling your husband it was his fault because the guy was a better man at the time….why??Does she still love him?
To start a family and have 3 kids with such a secret is selfish, I never got the chance to decide for myself and would have walked away immediately if I had known. Now I have small children so it is not easy at all. Trust will never be the same and the fact I don’t know the extent of the treachery, that even with clear proof and good reason to want and answer my wife refuses to answer(I can’t remember, I never lied etc etc and then hysterical outburst )
Was it only emotional or clearly without a doubt physical as well?
Should I contact him and tell him if he tells me the truth I won’t tell his wife?
Or just live with the questions I need answered….especially the big one….was it physical, did they have sex!
 

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None of us want to beleive that the person we have invested everything inotowould lie, and cheat and for the longest time we try to deny it and deny it to ourselves first, but sooner or later you must come to a realization that the truth while painful needs to be uncovered and that the sins of those we cherish the most must come to light...in this case your wife has lied to you endlessly and has cheated....i would sit her down and tell her that you are scheduling a polygraph for her to take and tell her that if it was only a emotionally affair then you can live with it but if it went physical you will divorce her....watch her body language and her phrasing...i am sorry you are here brother but if you want to know you need to take steps....emotional blindness is no way to go through life
 

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You can bank on this, she had sex with him every single night she worked late and everyone of those weekends. You can bet every time she was out without you she was screwing. Even that hour "waiting for an Uber". You know damn well what went on in that hour. She was 100% in love with the guy and sick over him leaving. You are nothing more than a second choice and tool for her to have kids and a home life. Everything she is saying is a lie.
 

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i would sit her down and tell her that you are scheduling a polygraph for her to take and tell her that if it was only a emotionally affair then you can live with it but if it went physical you will divorce her....
This approach can be useful, but also consider an alternate approach that, IMHO, is brilliant and effective. Tell her to give you a detailed timeline with every detail. Tell her that you will schedule a polygraph after you receive the timeline. If there is anything on the timeline that is a lie, divorce is absolute. If you tell her that telling the truth will get her divorced, she has nowhere to go. If she thinks there's a chance that things can work out if she comes clean, she may. At least you will know if she's telling you the truth.
 

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Should I contact him and tell him if he tells me the truth I won’t tell his wife?
You most certainly contact him. You aren't going to get the truth from your unfaithful wife.

BUT, trick him. Tell him your wife admitted to a full blown physical affair with details about their sexual encounters. See what he says.

If he denies it, then there may be truth to her not having a physical affair. Or he may tell you he is so sorry about all of it.
 

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I just can't understand a man that after finding out the truth about how much "love" his wife has for him is using the old "I have children" to stay with such a woman. These days divorce is easily as 50/50 co-parenting and you don't even have to see her face. That's pathetic.

Believe her? c'mon dude, are you that naïve/weak, or are you just desperately trying to hold on to something in fear of losing it. FYI, you never lost her because she was never yours to begin with.


Divorce her if you have any semblance of self respect and dignity; which it seems it have been lacking through this relationship. You've allowed her from the get go so many red flags that its been looking like a parade in Red Square. Why would you want to stay one more minute with such a woman, I mean why? Why do you even care if it was physical or not, when you know she has never been yours in soul, mind, and definitely body. It is such an idiotic and emasculating thing to even think asking the POS other man about it. What? do you really think he's going to give you the truth? are you really that naïve?
 

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Your whole entire marriage has been nothing but your wife having affairs and abusing you.
Even if she wore a chastity belt every night she was gone, who freaking cares? She still was giving her love to other men.

I can’t think of a case where a woman deserves divorce more, not a case where the betrayed husband has had his head in the sand as badly.

WHY have you not divorced her YEARS ago?
 

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In a way, even if she didn’t have sex with him, this type of affair seems worse. Your wife gave another guy her heart, whether she slept with him shouldn’t determine if you remain in the marriage. That’s my thinking fwiw, but I see emotional affairs, especially this in depth, as being a betrayal just like sexual ones.

Your wife sounds like a manipulator, and probably has manipulated you to believing that since she didn’t have sex, she somehow should be given a pass. If you want that type of marriage, stay. If you want your life partner to be someone you can trust and enjoy life with, leave. Personally, I wouldn’t waste time in counseling for her to blame you again.
 

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In a way, even if she didn’t have sex with him, this type of affair seems worse. Your wife gave another guy her heart, whether she slept with him shouldn’t determine if you remain in the marriage. That’s my thinking fwiw, but I see emotional affairs, especially this in depth, as being a betrayal just like sexual ones.

Your wife sounds like a manipulator, and probably has manipulated you to believing that since she didn’t have sex, she somehow should be given a pass. If you want that type of marriage, stay. If you want your life partner to be someone you can trust and enjoy life with, leave. Personally, I wouldn’t waste time in counseling for her to blame you again.
Very good point. It appears she was deeply in love with this man to the point she got physically ill when he left. He is who she really wants to be with. Why stay married to someone that loves another more than you?
 

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I just can’t Imagine how this was not a long physical affair. If she was screwing your brains out consistently, there might have been some chance it wasn’t. They will likely never tell the whole story. Other people know about this I’m sure, within their circle. You could dig in to that I suppose, but expect what everyone is saying. I think your relationship is toast unfortunately. You’ll have to overcome a lot of pain to ever trust her again.
 

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Why don't you just call someone you think either approved that teacher sleepover or was involved in it but isn't a direct friend of your wife's and just ask if there was an actual teacher sleepover because that is the most bizarre thing I've ever heard and my best friend is a teacher.
 

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You’ll have to overcome a lot of pain to ever trust her again.
That's what I'm afraid of. OP through his post has given a likely indication that he will just sit there and take it. Most unfortunately, because to live like that knowing that the woman you're with was never yours must be psychologically a heavy burden to live with.
 

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There is no chance this affair wasn’t physical. None. To think otherwise is just verification that the OP needs deep therapy with someone like Sean Macguire in Good Will Hunting to help snap him out of denial.

OP—- it’s not your fault…… unless you stay in this.
 

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Your wife was in love with another man, they had plenty of motive, time, and opportunity to make it physical, and I think you truly already know the answer. But as others have said, even if she didn't have sexual contact with him, her actions are still a grievous betrayal.
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
Thanks guys…everything I know I had to piece together.I have not divorced her because she is a good mother to my small children…and she got pregnant again a hear ago when I was fed up and about to end it.I have a baby boy that I want to hold and put to bed..leaving will rob me of that.

So telling the guy I will send all the messages etc to his wife if he does not answer my questions truthfully is a mistake?He does not know what I found and what I do have is more than enough to mess up his marriage.Im sure his wife had suspicions that time and maybe why she took a job overseas to move far away
Her co worker friends of that time knows definitely as her chats with them over all the dates she lied has been deleted.The chats ago back all the way to before all this and only certain dates are missing
 
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