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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I'm so sad and angry right now. I have some trust issues with my SO based on his actions in the past. I've had trouble moving on but I was feeling really close to being over things. I don't check his phone or fb as frequently anymore (maybe once or a month now).

Yesterday was my office's holiday party. For some reason they have it in the middle of the day. Last year SO came and brought my son with him. This year my son is in elementary school instead of daycare and I didn't want to pull him out for it. SO just started a new job and I didn't want to ask him to take a day within his first month working there. So I didn't mention the party until about a week ago. He said he would go and take a day off but I told him that I didn't even want to go myself. Fast forward to yesterday, the day of the party, I forgot to bring my lunch to work so I decided to run up to the party and eat but I had to sit with my coworkers (obvious in my mind). I can't show up take food and leave. It also would have been unprofessional to bring my phone with me. So I left it at my desk.

SO called during the time I was gone because we occassionally (not every day) talk on lunch. When I got back to my desk he had called 8 times and then left a nasty text message. When I got home I had assumed he was mad that I hadn't answered his phone calls. Wow was I wrong. He was angry that I went to the holiday party after saying I didn't want to go. I explained I just wanted lunch and he then went on to insinuate that I must be cheating on him, why else wouldn't I want him there and on and on. I explained for hours that I just wanted food, there was nothing more behind it. He has access to my phone, my fb, my email everything. He went searching and of course found nothing because THERE IS NOTHING. He then said that I accused him before so I must have a guilty conscience. Not even true.

So today I made sure to have my phone on me at lunch. He called, we talked. He said he needed to call me right back. I needed to go to the bathroom but after his accusations yesterday I took my phone with me. It was in my back pocket and fell out and into the toilet! He called a few minutes later and he could hear me but I couldn't hear him. I called him from my work phone and his entire tone sounded like I was just BS'ing him and he was making me feel like my "story" of my phone was ridiculous.

So I ran to the drugstore and bought some rice and baggies, have my phone sitting in it trying to dry it out and save it. But it's off. If somehow my phone returns to working condition he will try to say that I never dropped it I just wanted an excuse to not be answering it.

I've never done anything to make him treat me like this and I'm in tears. I shouldn't have to defend myself when I've done nothing wrong and he just will not believe me. How do you prove to someone you are faithful when they just won't believe you and cannot give any proof otherwise? I don't know what to do but I'm really hurt over being treated like this :(
 

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How do you prove to someone you are faithful when they just won't believe you and cannot give any proof otherwise? I don't know what to do but I'm really hurt over being treated like this :(
You cannot prove you are faithful to someone who "just won't believe you." I'm sorry I don't know your full story, but this post immediately made me wonder why you are sticking it out with someone like this. Actually, I also wondered why you are so determined to prove your faithfulness.

Maybe it's because I went through this myself once, years ago. I finally got sick and tired of trying to prove my loyalty to a man who apparently had it in his nature not to trust most people.

I can understand being hurt by his behavior, but I can't understand tying yourself up in knots just because he has issues in the trust department. After all, they are his issues.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
I feel like I have to "prove" it because I don't want it brought up anymore. I don't want to be walking on egg shells and I want our home life to be happy and stress free like it has been. This all just happened yesterday so I feel the need to wipe this out before it becomes a regular line of thinking. He has never acted this way with me before. It's just hurtful and I feel like telling him to back off and leave me alone until he gets over it. It's making me feel like a POS for no reason.
 

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I feel like I have to "prove" it because I don't want it brought up anymore.
Perhaps you should just straight-out tell him you don't want this type of behavior to continue. He's getting you rattled, which is understandable. But you can't control what he chooses to do. You can, however, put a boundary in place, which makes it clear to him that you find his treatment unacceptable.
... I feel the need to wipe this out before it becomes a regular line of thinking. He has never acted this way with me before. It's just hurtful and I feel like telling him to back off and leave me alone until he gets over it. It's making me feel like a POS for no reason.
If he's never acted like this before, do you have any idea what may be motivating this sudden behavior? You can only feel like a POS if you allow it. Don't allow it. And I agree you need to tell him to cut it out. But first I'd want to know what triggered him.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
When I asked him why he is acting like this he told me it is because I keep bringing up something from the past that is irrelevant so he is wondering what I'm doing. At one point he started to cry which is not like him. I have never seen him cry. He is deploying to Afganistan next year (his first deployment) and said that this may be the last Christmas he is here for and he wants to be a part of everything. That he doesn't understand why I wouldn't want him to be around my co-workers.

I think we are both just under a lot of stress and are just focusing too much on what is going to happen when we aren't around each other daily for a year and a half. :(
 

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I lived through deployments. Not fun. But it is the reality of military life. It was far easier for my husband, because he grew up an Army brat. I had to learn to roll with the punches.

So you brought up something from the past that was irrelevant. Apparently it was relevant to him, because he reacted strongly.

The stress of military life is a reality. If you two hang in there for the long haul, you might want to consider counseling. People who aren't in the military don't understand the lifestyle. I was fortunate to have a chaplain who counseled me. Did it ever get easier? In some ways, yes. But I wouldn't want to re-live it.

I wish the two of you the very best.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Hypothetical: Let's say if you did cheat what would he do about it?

My opinion: Nothing...He's just trying to keep you in check, and now you are crying over this. Everything is working for him. You are falling into his trap.

If he accuses you again, you have to be firm and tell him you are ready to pack your bags and leave over this because you will not put up with these allegations. You have to be firm with these type of people. Once someone accuses me of something, I don't deal with them anymore.
I see what you are saying. I'm hurt at being accused but then it also makes me angry enough to tell him to just leave till he gets over whatever his issue is. I keep flip flopping from saddness to anger.
 

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Rice and baggies won't help. Get another phone pronto. He may be unreasonable in his beliefs but not having a working phone isn't going to help.
 

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How do you prove to someone you are faithful when they just won't believe you
WHY SHOULD YOU HAVE TO?!?

  • He has cheated on you in the past. (This is what I surmise from your 2nd sentence).
  • He is accusing you of cheating on him.
  • So, he basically thinks you're a screw-you-I'll-show-you-I'll-have-a-revenge-f*ck-behind-your-back kind of be-yotch
...and you're still with this guy..........WHY?
...you're letting this guy upset you to the point of crying.........WHY?
...you want to know HOW TO CONVINCE HIM you're not a cheating be-yotch, since being your usual nice, honest, doesn't-cheat self isn't GOOD ENOUGH to PROVE it.....WHY?

Personally, I'd dump him BEFORE the holidays; before he deploys. If you don't have TRUST, you don't have ANYTHING. NOTHING. AT ALL. Just a lot of stupid drama.
 

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Originally Posted by Soifon
Never
Originally Posted by Prodigal
HUH???
Prodigal: Some other poster (Satchel Rage, maybe?), who has since REMOVED his/her post, asked Soifon if she had ever CHEATED on SO or given him any reason to distrust her. So Soifon said "Never".

Soifon:

If your SO doesn't trust you NOW, when you're HERE with him EVERY DAY, *WHAT* is he going to be thinking, wondering, accusing you of, worrying about EVERY DAY when he's thousands of miles away on his deployment?!?
 
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