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Discussion Starter #1
I have 3 ONS in the last 6 years. 2 when drunk at work conferences, once sober at work when I was offered a BJ.

Some history of me.

Met my wife when was 20, she had 2 youngkids from previous relationship. I had only had one brief sexual encounter with someone before we met. Had another kid together then got married at 23. Have had another since. For many years all was perfect and my wife thought it was but then so did I. But I did these three things which I covered up and lied about continuously.

On each of these occasions I have never managed to complete any of these encounters as I always fail.

What I don't understand in my own head is why I felt the need to do any of these when life was perfect, kids, wife all loving supportive and faithful.

Wife found out about one occasion last year and we slowly picked up some pieces but I never told her the truth until faced with a poly test when I then told her all, although it was very hard I had no idea how strong she was and never truly understood her love for me.

I have broken her beyond belief with these betrayals.

If anyone has any thoughts on why men do these things

Was I trying to prove a point to myself , peers, did I think I was missing out. I know deep down that I don't want to be an adultere but until I understand why I did these things then I cant be truthful and honest with myself how can I be with my wife

I want to be with my wife and hope somehow we can come through this.

If anyone can understand the above and help then please do so

Thanks for your time , I'm not even sure if the above makes any sense.
 

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If anyone has any thoughts on why men do these things

Was I trying to prove a point to myself , peers, did I think I was missing out. .
You answered your own question. The problem is going to be how to stop, not how did you start. You're like me Dawg, you have the addiction, you don't just quit never to think about it again. The great life, wife and kids ain't going to stop you. The best you can hope for in get on the wagon and pray for the strength not to get off.
 
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I think I can sum up the answer to your question with one word: Ego

It's quite basic. To fill your ego, you do these things. Oh, and one little tidbit to maybe help your wife a little here...don't claim "drunk" ever as a reason to cheat. If you're drunk enough to forget you're married, then you're drunk enough NOT to perform.
 

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Another cheater here - I agree with PBear - and SomedayDig.

Assuming you're not a sociopathic serial cheater some void in you let you have weak enough boundaries to do this. The question is what is the void and what do you do about it.

For my $.02 most cheating is about self esteem - or more correctly a lack there of.
 

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I think Dig is right. It would appear from your post that you need to do these things to validate yourself in some way. Feed your Ego. "I am lion, hear me roar" kind of thing. You may realize that you have the best wife and family but it isn't enough for you. I am guessing you are probably selfish by nature and you feel like you always deserve more?

What does cheating always boil down to?


SELFISHNESS!
 

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I think Dig is right. It would appear from your post that you need to do these things to validate yourself in some way. Feed your Ego. "I am lion, hear me roar" kind of thing. You may realize that you have the best wife and family but it isn't enough for you. I am guessing you are probably selfish by nature and you feel like you always deserve more?

What does cheating always boil down to?


SELFISHNESS!
I agree.

Not all people with low self esteem choose to cheat.

IMO, cheating is about being selfish and self absorbed and pleasure seeking and feeling entitled.

Nothing more, nothing less.
 

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I agree.

Not all people with low self esteem choose to cheat.

IMO, cheating is about being selfish and self absorbed and pleasure seeking and feeling entitled.

Nothing more, nothing less.
It can be for sure and having an affair is almost perfectly selfish but this isn't the same as the guy who won't share the mashed potatoes at Thanksgiving. I think a lot - certainly not all though - of the people who cheat wind up participating is such overwhelmingly selfish behavior because that behavior temporarily fills a self esteem void - and having that void filled quickly becomes more important than anything else - hence the overwhelmingly selfish behavior of having an affair.
 

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Is the question why can I not perform when it all boils down to it, because after 3 ONS you never 'completed', and one of those times you were stone cold sober? So was it drink or knowing on some deep level it was just wrong!
 

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Discussion Starter #11
Thanks for quick responses

Addiction - yes do have addictive personality ,smoked the weed for 25 years nearly everyday, been clean for about a year and will never go back to that moron that sat there stoned every night.

Ego - don't think I'm selfish by nature but that's for others to decide, most would think I'm quite giving I think although think all males do the I'm a lion hear me roar bit now and then

Low self esteem - this keeps hitting a nerve as I'm quite successful at work and never Been without a good job, but always used to think why my wife was with me, not the first time I had brought this up to myself, and have thought that she was only with me for security.... How foolish that seems now I have broken her heart

Awaiting more feedback .... Thanks
 

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Discussion Starter #13
Gemjo... No that's not the question, question how can I let myself get in these situations when it's not where I want to be, that might be the effect of me knowing deep down its wrong but why get in that place?
 

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Gemjo... No that's not the question, question how can I let myself get in these situations when it's not where I want to be, that might be the effect of me knowing deep down its wrong but why get in that place?
Because at that moment that is what you wanted more than anything else....it's that simple

more than your wife and children.....you wanted a quick fix

would you have gone for the quick fix if you knew your wife would find out?
 

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If my wife was sitting next to me then no I wouldn't...

But what was it fixing? That's the crux of it...

There was nothing wrong with my marriage / wife they were perfect.

I'm the one that is broken somewhere, nothing I have done will ever get repeated , I know that but what doesn't work is what is wrong with me?
 

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nothing much different to a lot of guys who cheat.

You wanted your cake and you wanted to eat it.

'wanted' but you didn't 'fully' manage it, so why keep trying?

Maybe you should have considered you were wrong in cheating, that's why you couldn't get it up, it didn't sit well with you, in your heart and mind....you were very willing to try though.......and that says a lot.

Can I ask, when your drunk can you manage to get it up with your loving wife?
 

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Alright Meg,

Then let's see if we can try this approach. Keep it clean though.

How did you feel when you were "in the moment" with these women?

What thoughts were going through your head when this was happening?

How did you feel immediately after these encounters?

What was your predominate emotion after these encounters?

What were you thinking about after these encounters?

Why couldn't you "finish the deed"? Was it truly just a drunk thing for the first 2 times?

Why couldn't you finish when you were sober?


These are deep questions. The intent is to try to figure out why you were doing these things right? So you are going to have to be honest with yourself when you answer these.
 
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Gemjo, simply yes I can when drunk.
Esxuid thanks for the thoughts reply coming when I have digested
If you are honest in the answers and you really put some thought into it, you will likely have the answers to why you cheated. Good luck.

The hardest thing to do is accept that you have a fundamental fault and try to fix it. The courage to correct our own faults and behaviors has to come from within. And only after we become brutally honest with ourselves can this change occur.
 
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