You got duped. I'd be laying down an ultimatum. They go or I do.
Being Taken Advantage by Wife and Adult Step Daughters - At the End of My Rope
I've been married to my wife for 5 years. During the good times, I do love her. She has two daughters, 28 and 24 from her previous marriage. We have been together since they were in high school. Shortly after becoming a serious couple I stepped in to help support her two daughters as their father was completely absentee. My generosity was predicated on the theory that the two girls would graduate high school, go away to college and become independent. Fast forward to now and SD28 is still living at home, and SD24 is still "in college". I'm still paying for insurance, utilities, etc.
How I was raised was that when I turned 18, I started supporting myself. I worked and paid my own bills. "Moving home" after college was not even a thought in my head. From the moment I left for college, I took on my own financial support.
Not only am I completely opposed to the idea of GROWN ADULTS living under my roof (not paying rent or contributing a dime to expenses of course), I am completely opposed to paying for their insurance, cell phone, etc. IMO it's WAY past time that they were completely turned loose to fully support themselves.
My wife cries the blues about "they struggle" and "they have it so hard", which is laughable. Whenever I mention I am cutting them off from my financial support, I am attacked and abused as "evil" and "cruel". Well, one, they aren;t my "kids", I don't have or have ever had any legal responsibility to support them. The only reason I did is because I loved my wife and wanted to help her. I want them out of MY house (wife laughably claims its "their home") and off of all MY accounts. I pay for everything, 100%. Wife has never contributed a dime!
When I state my intentions, I am told by my wife under no uncertain terms that they "will live with us for as long as they want" and that "we are a package deal" and "if you don't like it, you can leave!"
I hate the idea of a divorce, but I feel as if I am being coerced and blackmailed into accepting to cater to and support two grown adults or "get out". Am I in the wrong? I know it's easy to say "get divorced" but it's easier said than done in practice. It's mentally and physically taking a toll on me and I am at a loss.
How I was raised was that when I turned 18, I started supporting myself. I worked and paid my own bills. "Moving home" after college was not even a thought in my head. From the moment I left for college, I took on my own financial support.
Not only am I completely opposed to the idea of GROWN ADULTS living under my roof (not paying rent or contributing a dime to expenses of course), I am completely opposed to paying for their insurance, cell phone, etc. IMO it's WAY past time that they were completely turned loose to fully support themselves.
My wife cries the blues about "they struggle" and "they have it so hard", which is laughable. Whenever I mention I am cutting them off from my financial support, I am attacked and abused as "evil" and "cruel". Well, one, they aren;t my "kids", I don't have or have ever had any legal responsibility to support them. The only reason I did is because I loved my wife and wanted to help her. I want them out of MY house (wife laughably claims its "their home") and off of all MY accounts. I pay for everything, 100%. Wife has never contributed a dime!
When I state my intentions, I am told by my wife under no uncertain terms that they "will live with us for as long as they want" and that "we are a package deal" and "if you don't like it, you can leave!"
I hate the idea of a divorce, but I feel as if I am being coerced and blackmailed into accepting to cater to and support two grown adults or "get out". Am I in the wrong? I know it's easy to say "get divorced" but it's easier said than done in practice. It's mentally and physically taking a toll on me and I am at a loss.
101 - 120 of 126 Posts
Divorce, you are riding back seat on a motorcycle. That's called riding %$#@I've been married to my wife for 5 years. During the good times, I do love her. She has two daughters, 28 and 24 from her previous marriage. We have been together since they were in high school. Shortly after becoming a serious couple I stepped in to help support her two daughters as their father was completely absentee. My generosity was predicated on the theory that the two girls would graduate high school, go away to college and become independent. Fast forward to now and SD28 is still living at home, and SD24 is still "in college". I'm still paying for insurance, utilities, etc.
How I was raised was that when I turned 18, I started supporting myself. I worked and paid my own bills. "Moving home" after college was not even a thought in my head. From the moment I left for college, I took on my own financial support.
Not only am I completely opposed to the idea of GROWN ADULTS living under my roof (not paying rent or contributing a dime to expenses of course), I am completely opposed to paying for their insurance, cell phone, etc. IMO it's WAY past time that they were completely turned loose to fully support themselves.
My wife cries the blues about "they struggle" and "they have it so hard", which is laughable. Whenever I mention I am cutting them off from my financial support, I am attacked and abused as "evil" and "cruel". Well, one, they aren;t my "kids", I don't have or have ever had any legal responsibility to support them. The only reason I did is because I loved my wife and wanted to help her. I want them out of MY house (wife laughably claims its "their home") and off of all MY accounts. I pay for everything, 100%. Wife has never contributed a dime!
When I state my intentions, I am told by my wife under no uncertain terms that they "will live with us for as long as they want" and that "we are a package deal" and "if you don't like it, you can leave!"
I hate the idea of a divorce, but I feel as if I am being coerced and blackmailed into accepting to cater to and support two grown adults or "get out". Am I in the wrong? I know it's easy to say "get divorced" but it's easier said than done in practice. It's mentally and physically taking a toll on me and I am at a loss.
I was in a similar situation. My wife moved her adult son into our (actually my) house. Supposedly he was going to move out but never did. Never contributed anything. I felt I was being taken advantage of and was being used. I was pissed and bitter. One day my wife and her son left while I was at work. She said I had anger issues. But now after 6 months. I am enjoying a peaceful house. She thinks we can work things out. But I really don't want her back.
We cant know that.Because irresponsible, spoiled, coddled children grow up and have kids and expect their parents to carry the load. It happens every day. Hasn’t happened in this case. Yet.
Mine were just into adulthood (youngest 18), but Mr D still saw them as his own children and their children as his grandchildren. Always has done. Don't you see your step son as yours? Wont you see his children as your grandchildren?They were both adults when they married so this is blatantly false.
I was 24 and my sisters were both adults as well when my mother married her current husband who I will call stepfather after many years of proving himself.
He had no say in any of our lives at that point and no obligation either.
You are simply making things up here
Marrying someone does not financially or otherwise obligate you to adult stepchildren.
Where on earth are you getting this from?
My children like the OPs step children don't have their own dad around. My children send Mr D Fathers day cards. He is their dad. He said to me just after we married that my children were just as much his now as his own. He took/takes it very seriously.
In the OP's case the daughters were both in high school when they got together so not even adults.
Did you have anger issues?I was in a similar situation. My wife moved her adult son into our (actually my) house. Supposedly he was going to move out but never did. Never contributed anything. I felt I was being taken advantage of and was being used. I was pissed and bitter. One day my wife and her son left while I was at work. She said I had anger issues. But now after 6 months. I am enjoying a peaceful house. She thinks we can work things out. But I really don't want her back.
Your kids were 18 when you married your now husband. That’s all great that he “sees them as his own kids”. But they aren’t. That’s great that they see him as their dad. But he isn’t. He’s their step dad and they’re his step kids. There’s not a darn thing wrong with that. He loves them, they love him. That’s particularly wonderful.Mine were just into adulthood (youngest 18), but Mr D still saw them as his own children and their children as his grandchildren. Always has done. Don't you see your step son as yours? Wont you see his children as your grandchildren?
My children like the OPs step children don't have their own dad around. My children send Mr D Fathers day cards. He is their dad. He said to me just after we married that my children were just as much his now as his own. He took/takes it very seriously.
In the OP's case the daughters were both in high school when they got together so not even adults.
However, saying they’re his kids and he’s their dad, doesn’t make it true. He didn’t give them half their DNA, nor was he present in their formative years where they learned HIS values. He is a man that they treasure and maybe wish he was their dad. He maybe wishes they were his kids. It’s not the same.
In this case, these kids DO NOT love their stepdad. (His wallet doesn’t count). He DOES NOT love them. (It sounds like he would have, had they treated him in a loving way like he did them). He isn’t wrong for not loving kids who aren’t his , as his own. Especially when they treat him poorly.
It would be great if everyone loved one another and treated one another in a reasonable way. It doesn’t always happen.
The way he describes his wife and STEPchildren, she seems just as entitled and unloving as them. None of them have his values. Hence, he may want to wise up and free them all so they can find a stepdad and husband more like them. They won’t like that AT ALL, I suspect. But it will be a great learning experience for them.
It takes more than blood to make a father.Your kids were 18 when you married your now husband. That’s all great that he “sees them as his own kids”. But they aren’t. That’s great that they see him as their dad. But he isn’t. He’s their step dad and they’re his step kids. There’s not a darn thing wrong with that. He loves them, they love him. That’s particularly wonderful.
However, saying they’re his kids and he’s their dad, doesn’t make it true. He didn’t give them half their DNA, nor was he present in their formative years where they learned HIS values. He is a man that they treasure and maybe wish he was their dad. He maybe wishes they were his kids. It’s not the same.
In this case, these kids DO NOT love their stepdad. (His wallet doesn’t count). He DOES NOT love them. (It sounds like he would have, had they treated him in a loving way like he did them). He isn’t wrong for not loving kids who aren’t his , as his own. Especially when they treat him poorly.
It would be great if everyone loved one another and treated one another in a reasonable way. It doesn’t always happen.
The way he describes his wife and STEPchildren, she seems just as entitled and unloving as them. None of them have his values. Hence, he may want to wise up and free them all so they can find a stepdad and husband more like them. They won’t like that AT ALL, I suspect. But it will be a great learning experience for them.
I totally agree. It takes more than a marriage license to make one, too. You seem to think he’s automatically their dad the minute he signs the marriage license.It takes more than blood to make a father.
All I’m saying is that’s it’s great that your husband and your kids have that special bond.
But that’s a two-way thing.
That kind of thing isn’t possible if both people in the relationship don’t feel the same way and don’t both give to the relationship. Sounds like OP would’ve liked to have been the stepdad you describe. But it doesn’t sound like his step kids wanted that. They just expect and want him to be their indentured servant. They’re just using him. He’s foolish to continue. Everyone isn’t caring, loyal, honest, hard working, grateful, etc.
And talking about being these things or requesting a person to have these qualities doesn’t work.
I dont think he ever saw them as his children and that is half the problem. I am not saying that the one working shouldn't contribute towards the bills, mine always did when they were working, but he still see them as her children and not his step children as well.I totally agree. It takes more than a marriage license to make one, too. You seem to think he’s automatically their dad the minute he signs the marriage license.
All I’m saying is that’s it’s great that your husband and your kids have that special bond.
But that’s a two-way thing.
That kind of thing isn’t possible if both people in the relationship don’t feel the same way and don’t both give to the relationship. Sounds like OP would’ve liked to have been the stepdad you describe. But it doesn’t sound like his step kids wanted that. They just expect and want him to be their indentured servant. They’re just using him. He’s foolish to continue. Everyone isn’t caring, loyal, honest, hard working, grateful, etc.
And talking about being these things or requesting a person to have these qualities doesn’t work.
Yes. He had just turned three when I met his mother and I accepted responsibility for him.Don't you see your step son as yours? Wont you see his children as your grandchildren?
Now when my mother married her current husband, I was 24, my oldest sister was 23 and my youngest sister was 21.
He had absolutely no say or authority in our lives and we had no claim to his resources.
The OP is not being loved or respected by his wife and stepchildren and being that they were adults when he married, he has no obligation to them.
If they were not ridiculously entitled and emotionally neglectful, I'm sure OP would feel differently.
Sometimes we need to love despite things not being easy.Yes. He had just turned three when I met his mother and I accepted responsibility for him.
Now when my mother married her current husband, I was 24, my oldest sister was 23 and my youngest sister was 21.
He had absolutely no say or authority in our lives and we had no claim to his resources.
The OP is not being loved or respected by his wife and stepchildren and being that they were adults when he married, he has no obligation to them.
If they were not ridiculously entitled and emotionally neglectful, I'm sure OP would feel differently.
My girls didn't take kindly to Mr D originally as they had no interest in having another father figure around after what their dad did. It took a lot of time and patience on his part for them to accept him and begin to love and respect him.
Being a step parent isn't to be taken lightly, it's a big responsibility. No one knows what may happen. Children rarely go off to college or uni and not come back. In fact in the UK that's hardly ever the case. The OP seemed to naively assume that was going to happen.
It's their home too. Yes the older one needs to pay her way, the younger one too when she finishes her studying and finds work. Maybe he should talk to them about that.
I honestly don't think he thought this through before marrying a person with children.
He didn’t think it through for sure. He didn’t know she had lazy freeloaders for children.
But he can correct his mistake and divorce all three of them.
Being a good stepdad—- that’s impossible if he doesn’t have a good wife and good step kids to work with. He’s tried to talk to them.
What he got back was “if you don’t like it, leave”. What is he supposed to do with that?
OP,
You need to give her papers. Give her the chance to work on HER end of this instead of expecting you to pick up the slack for the whole family. If she chooses not to fix things, carry through with the divorce.
But he can correct his mistake and divorce all three of them.
Being a good stepdad—- that’s impossible if he doesn’t have a good wife and good step kids to work with. He’s tried to talk to them.
What he got back was “if you don’t like it, leave”. What is he supposed to do with that?
OP,
You need to give her papers. Give her the chance to work on HER end of this instead of expecting you to pick up the slack for the whole family. If she chooses not to fix things, carry through with the divorce.
I don't believe in ending a marriage before things like MC or family counselling have been tried.He didn’t think it through for sure. He didn’t know she had lazy freeloaders for children.
But he can correct his mistake and divorce all three of them.
Being a good stepdad—- that’s impossible if he doesn’t have a good wife and good step kids to work with. He’s tried to talk to them.
What he got back was “if you don’t like it, leave”. What is he supposed to do with that?
OP,
You need to give her papers. Give her the chance to work on HER end of this instead of expecting you to pick up the slack for the whole family. If she chooses not to fix things, carry through with the divorce.
Running away when the step children aren't as you want them to be isn't a mature thing to do.
They're not children. They're two adults who could probably be roommates with each other if they would work and make it just fine. Or scrape up another roommate between them. No one's doing them any favors letting them live at home not working. The youngest ones at an age where she should be getting out of school if she's ever going to and get to work.
That’s a coincidence. My wife had a two year old son when we met.Yes. He had just turned three when I met his mother and I accepted responsibility for him.
Now when my mother married her current husband, I was 24, my oldest sister was 23 and my youngest sister was 21.
He had absolutely no say or authority in our lives and we had no claim to his resources.
The OP is not being loved or respected by his wife and stepchildren and being that they were adults when he married, he has no obligation to them.
If they were not ridiculously entitled and emotionally neglectful, I'm sure OP would feel differently.
The kids father disappeared before he was born.
I’m his Dad and that’s all there is to it.
I wish Mrs. Conan's ex had disappeared beforehand.That’s a coincidence. My wife had a two year old son when we met.
The kids father disappeared before he was born.
I’m his Dad and that’s all there is to it.
Monumental pain in the ass.
The way I see it is that having adult stepchildren in the house isn't that different from having adult biological children in the house. You want to support and encourage them to become more independent, and eventually move out. BOTH parents have to be on the same page though, which involves difficult discussions when one parent wants to coddle the adult children. When they are biological children, it is very likely that the mother will be the coddler. When they are step children, it's very likely that the biological parent will be the coddler.
Just treat them like adults. If they are employed, start transferring responsibility for their own bills to them, like cell phone, clothing, toiletries and snacks/treats. If those things are on the shopping list, don't buy them. If the coddler wants to buy them extra things, it should come out of HER money. For home things like utilities and food, tell them these are the bills, your share is 25%, which is $$. Please pay us monthly. If the coddler wants to pay that for them, it should come out of HER money. If issues of payment develop, well, you can discontinue the unpaid cell phone from the family plan. Change the password to the wifi and Netflix until you get their share of those bills. Etc.
You have to make being a freeloader unattractive if you want them to change.
Just treat them like adults. If they are employed, start transferring responsibility for their own bills to them, like cell phone, clothing, toiletries and snacks/treats. If those things are on the shopping list, don't buy them. If the coddler wants to buy them extra things, it should come out of HER money. For home things like utilities and food, tell them these are the bills, your share is 25%, which is $$. Please pay us monthly. If the coddler wants to pay that for them, it should come out of HER money. If issues of payment develop, well, you can discontinue the unpaid cell phone from the family plan. Change the password to the wifi and Netflix until you get their share of those bills. Etc.
You have to make being a freeloader unattractive if you want them to change.
He said his wife hasn't contributed a dime. So I'm afraid what we have here is a slacker wife just teaching her kids to be the same way and take advantage of someone and let other people support them. Don't know why he's going for that even with the wife.The way I see it is that having adult stepchildren in the house isn't that different from having adult biological children in the house. You want to support and encourage them to become more independent, and eventually move out. BOTH parents have to be on the same page though, which involves difficult discussions when one parent wants to coddle the adult children. When they are biological children, it is very likely that the mother will be the coddler. When they are step children, it's very likely that the biological parent will be the coddler.
Just treat them like adults. If they are employed, start transferring responsibility for their own bills to them, like cell phone, clothing, toiletries and snacks/treats. If those things are on the shopping list, don't buy them. If the coddler wants to buy them extra things, it should come out of HER money. For home things like utilities and food, tell them these are the bills, your share is 25%, which is $$. Please pay us monthly. If the coddler wants to pay that for them, it should come out of HER money. If issues of payment develop, well, you can discontinue the unpaid cell phone from the family plan. Change the password to the wifi and Netflix until you get their share of those bills. Etc.
You have to make being a freeloader unattractive if you want them to change.
I don't know why the kids keep coming up. It's not about the kids, it's about the relationship between him and his wife.
When I met my wife her youngest was just finishing up elementary school. They were grown to the point they already had two parents. Technically I'm their step parent but I'm not their dad. I don't have a parent/child relationship with them. And the same applies to the OP. This girl was apparently around 20 when they got together. He's not her father. He's not responsible for making sure she makes all the right choices in life. And even if he tried she probably wouldn't give him that respect. Especially after his recent behavior.
When I met my wife her youngest was just finishing up elementary school. They were grown to the point they already had two parents. Technically I'm their step parent but I'm not their dad. I don't have a parent/child relationship with them. And the same applies to the OP. This girl was apparently around 20 when they got together. He's not her father. He's not responsible for making sure she makes all the right choices in life. And even if he tried she probably wouldn't give him that respect. Especially after his recent behavior.
101 - 120 of 126 Posts
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