You have never been on base. What are you talking about?
Being Taken Advantage by Wife and Adult Step Daughters - At the End of My Rope
I've been married to my wife for 5 years. During the good times, I do love her. She has two daughters, 28 and 24 from her previous marriage. We have been together since they were in high school. Shortly after becoming a serious couple I stepped in to help support her two daughters as their father was completely absentee. My generosity was predicated on the theory that the two girls would graduate high school, go away to college and become independent. Fast forward to now and SD28 is still living at home, and SD24 is still "in college". I'm still paying for insurance, utilities, etc.
How I was raised was that when I turned 18, I started supporting myself. I worked and paid my own bills. "Moving home" after college was not even a thought in my head. From the moment I left for college, I took on my own financial support.
Not only am I completely opposed to the idea of GROWN ADULTS living under my roof (not paying rent or contributing a dime to expenses of course), I am completely opposed to paying for their insurance, cell phone, etc. IMO it's WAY past time that they were completely turned loose to fully support themselves.
My wife cries the blues about "they struggle" and "they have it so hard", which is laughable. Whenever I mention I am cutting them off from my financial support, I am attacked and abused as "evil" and "cruel". Well, one, they aren;t my "kids", I don't have or have ever had any legal responsibility to support them. The only reason I did is because I loved my wife and wanted to help her. I want them out of MY house (wife laughably claims its "their home") and off of all MY accounts. I pay for everything, 100%. Wife has never contributed a dime!
When I state my intentions, I am told by my wife under no uncertain terms that they "will live with us for as long as they want" and that "we are a package deal" and "if you don't like it, you can leave!"
I hate the idea of a divorce, but I feel as if I am being coerced and blackmailed into accepting to cater to and support two grown adults or "get out". Am I in the wrong? I know it's easy to say "get divorced" but it's easier said than done in practice. It's mentally and physically taking a toll on me and I am at a loss.
How I was raised was that when I turned 18, I started supporting myself. I worked and paid my own bills. "Moving home" after college was not even a thought in my head. From the moment I left for college, I took on my own financial support.
Not only am I completely opposed to the idea of GROWN ADULTS living under my roof (not paying rent or contributing a dime to expenses of course), I am completely opposed to paying for their insurance, cell phone, etc. IMO it's WAY past time that they were completely turned loose to fully support themselves.
My wife cries the blues about "they struggle" and "they have it so hard", which is laughable. Whenever I mention I am cutting them off from my financial support, I am attacked and abused as "evil" and "cruel". Well, one, they aren;t my "kids", I don't have or have ever had any legal responsibility to support them. The only reason I did is because I loved my wife and wanted to help her. I want them out of MY house (wife laughably claims its "their home") and off of all MY accounts. I pay for everything, 100%. Wife has never contributed a dime!
When I state my intentions, I am told by my wife under no uncertain terms that they "will live with us for as long as they want" and that "we are a package deal" and "if you don't like it, you can leave!"
I hate the idea of a divorce, but I feel as if I am being coerced and blackmailed into accepting to cater to and support two grown adults or "get out". Am I in the wrong? I know it's easy to say "get divorced" but it's easier said than done in practice. It's mentally and physically taking a toll on me and I am at a loss.
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This is the worst opinion I've seen on any thread since I've been here. Congratulations, I wish there was a trophy for worst comment. I am a very high earning man and my wife has a career. I am not her daddy, I am her husband and although the money I make by in large supports our lifestyle she needs to be working and financially contributing to the household since that's what she expects out of me.Last I heard I thought you were single Livvie? Or did you get married in the last year while I wasn't paying attention?
That feminist nonsense might be popular around here but it's not particularly useful in real life. You don't need to flog yourself and talk like women with enough self confidence to not contribute 50% of the income are somehow awful users. Men may pretend they do but they have no real respect for that. You won't win any real points Livvie. It's a loser strategy.
This OP guy, it's not even really a money issue for him. I have a 17 year old step child living at home and she is a small fraction of the budget. It sounds more like he's jealous of her. That she's getting to do something he didn't. But as a man that's rather silly, being jealous of a woman. And to go through the cost and labor of divorce over that, he would be much wiser to find a compromise.
They were both adults when they married so this is blatantly false.these are your step children and when you married they effectively became your children to all intents and purposes. Its their home as well. You knew this when you married her.
I was 24 and my sisters were both adults as well when my mother married her current husband who I will call stepfather after many years of proving himself.
He had no say in any of our lives at that point and no obligation either.
You are simply making things up here
Marrying someone does not financially or otherwise obligate you to adult stepchildren.
Where on earth are you getting this from?
First, I agree with your wife a little, this is the children's house also and you don't get to kick them out or say where they will live. And if your wife wants them still in the home, it may be that will happen.
That said, assuming its your earnings, you have the right to limit many expenses. Car insurance is an issue, you don't want an accident and you're on the hook, but to the extent you can, eliminate costs. Wife is not happy hold your position, otherwise, you'll be writing checks for that till who knows when.
That said, assuming its your earnings, you have the right to limit many expenses. Car insurance is an issue, you don't want an accident and you're on the hook, but to the extent you can, eliminate costs. Wife is not happy hold your position, otherwise, you'll be writing checks for that till who knows when.
(Too off-topic, deleted)
So I can claim my stepfather's resources and home even though he didn't marry my mother until I was 24?First, I agree with your wife a little, this is the children's house also and you don't get to kick them out or say where they will live. And if your wife wants them still in the home, it may be that will happen.
What precedent can you site? Do tell because my stepfather is very well off financially.😉
"Life has a plan for us . . . "
to my best recollection - such plan doesn't include mooching off others - which is how I see a 28 year old living at home and NO $$ contributions to household expenses. and a 24 year old "college" student - again no contributions
OH? Wait a minute! Did OP not tell us the 28 year old is mentally incapable of self managment?
Regardless - that argument won't work for a "24 year old college student."
dude - (OP) - you are getting used - the snatch isn't worth the squeeze
to my best recollection - such plan doesn't include mooching off others - which is how I see a 28 year old living at home and NO $$ contributions to household expenses. and a 24 year old "college" student - again no contributions
OH? Wait a minute! Did OP not tell us the 28 year old is mentally incapable of self managment?
Regardless - that argument won't work for a "24 year old college student."
dude - (OP) - you are getting used - the snatch isn't worth the squeeze
I don't know about you Evinrude but in my marriage I've always had a select few things I can't compromise on. For example, I have a job that is lucrative but the hours are long and strange. I end up leaving my wife alone more often than I should. If she came to me and said I can't deal with it anymore I would have to tell her then you gotta find someone else. Because there are no other options where I live to make this kind of money and I'm not giving it up.Gains,
You must have seen something in the OP’d post I haven’t seen. I haven’t seen anything about the OP trying to control her. But yes, if HE is the only one working outside the home, HE absolutely should have some say in how the money is spent. Paying his stepadult’s bills—— nah, that isn’t really appropriate, isn’t good parenting, and it isn’t at all reasonable.
Her “if you don’t like it, leave” statement says it all about who is the controlling person in this relationship. OP may be a doormat, but he’s not controlling.
She has a similar attitude with her own few things, which I've always found to be a rather healthy dynamic in our relationship. It's not manipulative or controlling, you just know what your needs are and you enforce them.
And as far as the daughter goes, the amount he's spending on her probably isn't much more than a few hundred bucks a month. If it's really a money issue he should just propose his wife takes over the daughters expenses. That she writes him a check for 80 bucks or whatever it is, as sexy as that is. But he's going straight to divorce for some bizarre reason.
Also another thing he said which caught my attention is the mother says her daughter "struggles". Even though she has a full time job. That could mean many things, maybe she has issues like depression or something he's not mentioning that makes her want to keep her daughter close. It's really not his job as the step parent to micromanage her relationship with her daughter anyway. If she's worth the extra 80 bucks a month keep her and if not get rid of her.
It sounds like that there is more to this than a few hundred bucks a month. OP's wife doesnt sound like she's willing to work with him on his concerns. Basically "if you don't like it leave". Not a good way to deal with a spouses concerns. She clearly has made it known to him that he is at the end of the line in this family arrangement. With a wife's attitude like that, I can't say I blame him for being ready to walk. There's probably a lot more of this attitude manifesting in the relationship. The few hundred bucks is likely the tip of the iceberg.I don't know about you Evinrude but in my marriage I've always had a select few things I can't compromise on. For example, I have a job that is lucrative but the hours are long and strange. I end up leaving my wife alone more often than I should. If she came to me and said I can't deal with it anymore I would have to tell her then you gotta find someone else. Because there are no other options where I live to make this kind of money and I'm not giving it up.
She has a similar attitude with her own few things, which I've always found to be a rather healthy dynamic in our relationship. It's not manipulative or controlling, you just know what your needs are and you enforce them.
And as far as the daughter goes, the amount he's spending on her probably isn't much more than a few hundred bucks a month. If it's really a money issue he should just propose his wife takes over the daughters expenses. That she writes him a check for 80 bucks or whatever it is, as sexy as that is. But he's going straight to divorce for some bizarre reason.
Also another thing he said which caught my attention is the mother says her daughter "struggles". Even though she has a full time job. That could mean many things, maybe she has issues like depression or something he's not mentioning that makes her want to keep her daughter close. It's really not his job as the step parent to micromanage her relationship with her daughter anyway. If she's worth the extra 80 bucks a month keep her and if not get rid of her.
Agreed. My wife thinks he might not be getting laid and this is just the way he's choosing to fight that battle. I guess he thinks nothing makes a woman hotter than demanding a check from her for two figures and then throwing her daughter out of the house.It sounds like that there is more to this than a few hundred bucks a month. OP's wife doesnt sound like she's willing to work with him on his concerns. Basically "if you don't like it leave". Not a good way to deal with a spouses concerns. She clearly has made it known to him that he is at the end of the line in this family arrangement. With a wife's attitude like that, I can't say I blame him for being ready to walk. There's probably a lot more of this attitude manifesting in the relationship. The few hundred bucks is likely the tip of the iceberg.
What does this have to do with sex? Not every man in the world is some penis thinking bumbling dolt. This man is being taken advantage of financially and spiritually by his wife and her children. That is it. It has nothing to do with sex. If I was in his shoes the last thing I would be concerned with was sleeping with someone who treats me that poorly. My sexual nature is something of value that I give to my wife, and his wife doesn't deserve a sexual relationship.Agreed. My wife thinks he might not be getting laid and this is just the way he's choosing to fight that battle. I guess he thinks nothing makes a woman hotter than demanding a check from her for two figures and then throwing her daughter out of the house.
I don't know about you, but personally I wouldn't want to sleep with someone who is treating me like garbage.
If the wife isn't working, why not? If she is, why aren't these kids her expense instead of yours? Certainly the older kid should be working and contributing AND moving out soon.
It's actually pretty nice to have your wife at home and ready for you whenever. I like it better when my wife isn't working because she's there to greet me when I get home, talk to me whenever I want, scratch my back, and yes, of course sex. I'm not much for any other kind of luxury but I enjoy that more than watching the bank balance climb faster than it does when it's just me working. And a lot of other men feel the same way.What does this have to do with sex? Not every man in the world is some penis thinking bumbling dolt. This man is being taken advantage of financially and spiritually by his wife and her children. That is it. It has nothing to do with sex. If I was in his shoes the last thing I would be concerned with was sleeping with someone who treats me that poorly. My sexual nature is something of value that I give to my wife, and his wife doesn't deserve a sexual relationship.
I don't know about you, but personally I wouldn't want to sleep with someone who is treating me like garbage.
You're actually coming at it more from the traditional stance of the woman, which is fine. I've heard a thousand women utter that last line in your post and would guess OP pays for his wife for the same reason I do, until he hit this latest speed bump for whatever reason.
I'm coming at it from a stance that my sexuality has value, if you feel that's a perspective of women then I guess that's fine. Personally I think it's a self esteem thing. I would rather not have sex than have to beg for it and if I'm not with someone who genuinely wants and enjoys sex with me then I would rather be celibate. My wife and I have plenty of sex and she works. I don't see how her working or not changes the amount of sex you should be having regardless.It's actually pretty nice to have your wife at home and ready for you whenever. I like it better when my wife isn't working because she's there to greet me when I get home, talk to me whenever I want, scratch my back, and yes, of course sex. I'm not much for any other kind of luxury but I enjoy that more than watching the bank balance climb faster than it does when it's just me working. And a lot of other men feel the same way.
You're actually coming at it more from the traditional stance of the woman, which is fine. I've heard a thousand women utter that last line in your post and would guess OP pays for his wife for the same reason I do, until he hit this latest speed bump for whatever reason.
If I had to pay all my wife's bills just so she would be willing to have sex with me that would be demoralizing to me personally and the disdain and complete lack of value on my sexuality would ensure that I wouldn't really want to have sex with her ever again. Also if I was paying my wife's bills so that she would sleep with me I would just drop the pretense and have relations with a sex worker because at least then I wouldn't have an illusions of her actually loving me.
I couldn’t disagree if what you’ve read is a better description of the real situation. What I read was a man tired of feeling used, and to the tune of a lot more money than you describe. I envisioned a situation where he was just an ATM for 2 coddled girls and couldn’t really talk to his wife about it without the “don’t like it, leave” response.I don't know about you Evinrude but in my marriage I've always had a select few things I can't compromise on. For example, I have a job that is lucrative but the hours are long and strange. I end up leaving my wife alone more often than I should. If she came to me and said I can't deal with it anymore I would have to tell her then you gotta find someone else. Because there are no other options where I live to make this kind of money and I'm not giving it up.
She has a similar attitude with her own few things, which I've always found to be a rather healthy dynamic in our relationship. It's not manipulative or controlling, you just know what your needs are and you enforce them.
And as far as the daughter goes, the amount he's spending on her probably isn't much more than a few hundred bucks a month. If it's really a money issue he should just propose his wife takes over the daughters expenses. That she writes him a check for 80 bucks or whatever it is, as sexy as that is. But he's going straight to divorce for some bizarre reason.
Also another thing he said which caught my attention is the mother says her daughter "struggles". Even though she has a full time job. That could mean many things, maybe she has issues like depression or something he's not mentioning that makes her want to keep her daughter close. It's really not his job as the step parent to micromanage her relationship with her daughter anyway. If she's worth the extra 80 bucks a month keep her and if not get rid of her.
I’ve read a lot of your posts and feel surprised at this perception of yours. So I’ll have to rethink my own perspective. I hope the OP comes back and explains more facts and more of his perspective. With a username like ATM, it seems he feels like one. I couldn’t live like that either.
Like Evinrude - making a bit of assumption about $$ involved.
Just went for some groceries - maybe 1/2 a cart full. Got Gas for truck, hit Tractor Supply for some birdseed and non-ethanol for the yard machines.
430 bucks - living today in USA ain't cheap - no fancy groceries and gas 3.50/gal. (non-ethanol 60 cents more) We have the cheapest cell phone service available - 65 bucks a month for two phones.
I just replaced a 28 year old electric water heater - with a tankless propane version. 1500 bucks.
had gas company pay a visit to make sure new gas demand kosher with current regulators. Tech visit: 100 bucks.
Supporting a house, 3 women and himself? (Mortgage/utilities/taxes/and insurance - health?)
I am very sceptical that his "worry" about the $$ expenditure is due to a 'trivial' dollar amount.
Hope he comes back and enlightens us with some info on what the budget crunch is - or if this issue is the "28 and 24 yr-olds" not contributing - bu then
"if you don't like it, you can leave!"
Taken as a whole - from any point of view - he is at wit's end dealing with the women in his life offending his sense of familial responsibilities.
Worse - he may not have the income to afford moving out to another place so he doesn't have to live with the ladies enjoying his $$ support.
Note that this is not yet addressing the likely chilly atmosphere in the house. - other than his wife's "leave" comment
Just went for some groceries - maybe 1/2 a cart full. Got Gas for truck, hit Tractor Supply for some birdseed and non-ethanol for the yard machines.
430 bucks - living today in USA ain't cheap - no fancy groceries and gas 3.50/gal. (non-ethanol 60 cents more) We have the cheapest cell phone service available - 65 bucks a month for two phones.
I just replaced a 28 year old electric water heater - with a tankless propane version. 1500 bucks.
had gas company pay a visit to make sure new gas demand kosher with current regulators. Tech visit: 100 bucks.
Supporting a house, 3 women and himself? (Mortgage/utilities/taxes/and insurance - health?)
I am very sceptical that his "worry" about the $$ expenditure is due to a 'trivial' dollar amount.
Hope he comes back and enlightens us with some info on what the budget crunch is - or if this issue is the "28 and 24 yr-olds" not contributing - bu then
"if you don't like it, you can leave!"
Taken as a whole - from any point of view - he is at wit's end dealing with the women in his life offending his sense of familial responsibilities.
Worse - he may not have the income to afford moving out to another place so he doesn't have to live with the ladies enjoying his $$ support.
Note that this is not yet addressing the likely chilly atmosphere in the house. - other than his wife's "leave" comment
Coming at it from the stance that your sexuality has some kind of intrinsic value is traditionally a female thing. Which again is fine, but that's probably the disconnect you're having from me and the OP. I'm pretty traditionally male, don't close my legs on my wife if she's been harsh to me or doesn't do what I want her to do. Because it doesn't really effect me that much. Her moods and attitudes don't dictate mine. In fact she was occasionally really harsh and rude to me when we first started dating and the more I banged her the more that went away. At some point after enough sex she seamlessly transitioned from saying she'd never marry me to pointing out what kind of engagement rings she liked.I'm coming at it from a stance that my sexuality has value, if you feel that's a perspective of women then I guess that's fine. Personally I think it's a self esteem thing. I would rather not have sex than have to beg for it and if I'm not with someone who genuinely wants and enjoys sex with me then I would rather be celibate. My wife and I have plenty of sex and she works. I don't see how her working or not changes the amount of sex you should be having regardless.
If I had to pay all my wife's bills just so she would be willing to have sex with me that would be demoralizing to me personally and the disdain and complete lack of value on my sexuality would ensure that I wouldn't really want to have sex with her ever again. Also if I was paying my wife's bills so that she would sleep with me I would just drop the pretense and have relations with a sex worker because at least then I wouldn't have an illusions of her actually loving me.
Also, it's not about paying her bills in exchange for sex. That's actually a mistake the OP made, that he should have some kind of control over her for paying the bills. That it's some form of exchange. It's just my area of responsibility.
Also, your last post made me look this up on youtube. You don't want no scrubs Speedy.
You don't have to rethink anything Evinrude. I usually do the best I can with the limited information I have. I might be totally wrong in this case. But at least from what he said and didn't say that's the impression I got. I'm actually guessing he had one night of boiling frustration, made that post then calmed down and abandoned the thread. But yeah, it would be nice if he came back and talked with us some more. And I always read your posts when I see them.I couldn’t disagree if what you’ve read is a better description of the real situation. What I read was a man tired of feeling used, and to the tune of a lot more money than you describe. I envisioned a situation where he was just an ATM for 2 coddled girls and couldn’t really talk to his wife about it without the “don’t like it, leave” response.
I’ve read a lot of your posts and feel surprised at this perception of yours. So I’ll have to rethink my own perspective. I hope the OP comes back and explains more facts and more of his perspective. With a username like ATM, it seems he feels like one. I couldn’t live like that either.
My wife’s mood and attitude don’t dictate mine either, but if someone is going to be rude to me the last thing I want to do is sleep with them. I can just as easily crank one off if I had to. With all the other stuff I have going on in my life I simply don’t have time to be disrespected.Coming at it from the stance that your sexuality has some kind of intrinsic value is traditionally a female thing. Which again is fine, but that's probably the disconnect you're having from me and the OP. I'm pretty traditionally male, don't close my legs on my wife if she's been harsh to me or doesn't do what I want her to do. Because it doesn't really effect me that much. Her moods and attitudes don't dictate mine. In fact she was occasionally really harsh and rude to me when we first started dating and the more I banged her the more that went away. At some point after enough sex she seamlessly transitioned from saying she'd never marry me to pointing out what kind of engagement rings she liked.
Also, it's not about paying her bills in exchange for sex. That's actually a mistake the OP made, that he should have some kind of control over her for paying the bills. That it's some form of exchange. It's just my area of responsibility.
Also, your last post made me look this up on youtube. You don't want no scrubs Speedy.
I think the bigger disconnect you and I are having came later in your reply when you said you exert some sort of control over your wife. I have zero interest in controlling my wife’s life or behavior at all. She needs to add value to my life and in order to do that she needs to be an equal partner. I already have tons of responsibilities to care for other people being a father and an employer.
Adding that dynamic to my romantic relationship doesn’t interest me even a little bit. I need my wife to be the one person I can count on. The one person I can trust to throw my arm over her shoulder and help carry my load for a bit if I need to. That support allows me to do great things. I have accomplished all I’ve ever wanted career and personally wise but that is only because I can reach as far as I want knowing I have that support.
I don’t think your way is wrong, it’s more the tradcon way of living and used to be standard. I just think that’s a raw deal for men and it’s not something I’m interested in partaking in.
Also I am aware that my attitude towards sex is atypical. It is more traditionally female, because females operate from the abundance mindset and men operate from the scarcity mindset in general when it comes to sex. Most women get plenty of offers for sex, so much so that sex in and of itself isn’t that special. Sex with someone you love still can be, but only under favorable conditions.
Like your standard woman my sexual experiences have been of abundance. I’m a good looking guy, someone who’s in their late 30’s but looks in their 20’s (I am constantly told this by others it’s not my wishful thinking) and I get offers for sex from plenty of women on a very regular basis. Enough that my female friends routinely play mother hen and ***** block for me the way they **** block dudes hitting on their female friends.
So for me sex in and of itself isn’t that big of a thing. If I wanted to simply by existing in the world I’d get all the offers I needed. I could throw up a Tinder and have all my free time packed for the foreseeable future. I know that for most men this mindset is a foreign concept and it probably even sounds like chest puffing or humble bragging.
Trust me when I say it isn’t without its downsides. While I do go out of my way to be attractive I do so for my wife. I would be lying if I said that I didn’t enjoy female attention sometimes but there are plenty of other times I absolutely do not enjoy it. I’ve had multiple stalkers and you’d be surprised how many women get touchy or violent when told no.
Overall it is probably more beneficial than not, but only with the support system of friends and my happy marriage and lifestyle of keeping to myself for the most part. If I was single I’d probably let myself go a bit to blend into the crowd a bit more.
Like your standard woman my sexual experiences have been of abundance. I’m a good looking guy, someone who’s in their late 30’s but looks in their 20’s (I am constantly told this by others it’s not my wishful thinking) and I get offers for sex from plenty of women on a very regular basis. Enough that my female friends routinely play mother hen and ***** block for me the way they **** block dudes hitting on their female friends.
So for me sex in and of itself isn’t that big of a thing. If I wanted to simply by existing in the world I’d get all the offers I needed. I could throw up a Tinder and have all my free time packed for the foreseeable future. I know that for most men this mindset is a foreign concept and it probably even sounds like chest puffing or humble bragging.
Trust me when I say it isn’t without its downsides. While I do go out of my way to be attractive I do so for my wife. I would be lying if I said that I didn’t enjoy female attention sometimes but there are plenty of other times I absolutely do not enjoy it. I’ve had multiple stalkers and you’d be surprised how many women get touchy or violent when told no.
Overall it is probably more beneficial than not, but only with the support system of friends and my happy marriage and lifestyle of keeping to myself for the most part. If I was single I’d probably let myself go a bit to blend into the crowd a bit more.
81 - 100 of 126 Posts
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