You are accepting an unacceptable situation and nothing will change until you change it
Being Taken Advantage by Wife and Adult Step Daughters - At the End of My Rope
I've been married to my wife for 5 years. During the good times, I do love her. She has two daughters, 28 and 24 from her previous marriage. We have been together since they were in high school. Shortly after becoming a serious couple I stepped in to help support her two daughters as their father was completely absentee. My generosity was predicated on the theory that the two girls would graduate high school, go away to college and become independent. Fast forward to now and SD28 is still living at home, and SD24 is still "in college". I'm still paying for insurance, utilities, etc.
How I was raised was that when I turned 18, I started supporting myself. I worked and paid my own bills. "Moving home" after college was not even a thought in my head. From the moment I left for college, I took on my own financial support.
Not only am I completely opposed to the idea of GROWN ADULTS living under my roof (not paying rent or contributing a dime to expenses of course), I am completely opposed to paying for their insurance, cell phone, etc. IMO it's WAY past time that they were completely turned loose to fully support themselves.
My wife cries the blues about "they struggle" and "they have it so hard", which is laughable. Whenever I mention I am cutting them off from my financial support, I am attacked and abused as "evil" and "cruel". Well, one, they aren;t my "kids", I don't have or have ever had any legal responsibility to support them. The only reason I did is because I loved my wife and wanted to help her. I want them out of MY house (wife laughably claims its "their home") and off of all MY accounts. I pay for everything, 100%. Wife has never contributed a dime!
When I state my intentions, I am told by my wife under no uncertain terms that they "will live with us for as long as they want" and that "we are a package deal" and "if you don't like it, you can leave!"
I hate the idea of a divorce, but I feel as if I am being coerced and blackmailed into accepting to cater to and support two grown adults or "get out". Am I in the wrong? I know it's easy to say "get divorced" but it's easier said than done in practice. It's mentally and physically taking a toll on me and I am at a loss.
How I was raised was that when I turned 18, I started supporting myself. I worked and paid my own bills. "Moving home" after college was not even a thought in my head. From the moment I left for college, I took on my own financial support.
Not only am I completely opposed to the idea of GROWN ADULTS living under my roof (not paying rent or contributing a dime to expenses of course), I am completely opposed to paying for their insurance, cell phone, etc. IMO it's WAY past time that they were completely turned loose to fully support themselves.
My wife cries the blues about "they struggle" and "they have it so hard", which is laughable. Whenever I mention I am cutting them off from my financial support, I am attacked and abused as "evil" and "cruel". Well, one, they aren;t my "kids", I don't have or have ever had any legal responsibility to support them. The only reason I did is because I loved my wife and wanted to help her. I want them out of MY house (wife laughably claims its "their home") and off of all MY accounts. I pay for everything, 100%. Wife has never contributed a dime!
When I state my intentions, I am told by my wife under no uncertain terms that they "will live with us for as long as they want" and that "we are a package deal" and "if you don't like it, you can leave!"
I hate the idea of a divorce, but I feel as if I am being coerced and blackmailed into accepting to cater to and support two grown adults or "get out". Am I in the wrong? I know it's easy to say "get divorced" but it's easier said than done in practice. It's mentally and physically taking a toll on me and I am at a loss.
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Ask your wife how she expects them to learn responsibility if they aren't encouraged to be self sufficient.
Remind her that every dime you spend on her kids is less money available to the two of you in retirement.
Remind her that every dime you spend on her kids is less money available to the two of you in retirement.
“If you don’t like it, you can leave”
that must make you feel really appreciated. Sounds like she’s talked to a lawyer and knows how bad she’s gonna screw you in the divorce. You should see what your options are also.
the above quote is a dealbreaker for me. You shoujd realize with 4 billion women on the planet, this one is replaceable with a better, more appreciative model.
that must make you feel really appreciated. Sounds like she’s talked to a lawyer and knows how bad she’s gonna screw you in the divorce. You should see what your options are also.
the above quote is a dealbreaker for me. You shoujd realize with 4 billion women on the planet, this one is replaceable with a better, more appreciative model.
Well, your wife has never contributed a dime, you say.
They are all using your fire the money.
I'd get out, if I were you.
Before permanent spousal support kicks in.
They are all using your fire the money.
I'd get out, if I were you.
Before permanent spousal support kicks in.
You can only be taken advantage of if you allow it. Stop arguing, set some boundaries and expectations and stick with them.I've been married to my wife for 5 years. During the good times, I do love her. She has two daughters, 28 and 24 from her previous marriage. We have been together since they were in high school. Shortly after becoming a serious couple I stepped in to help support her two daughters as their father was completely absentee. My generosity was predicated on the theory that the two girls would graduate high school, go away to college and become independent. Fast forward to now and SD28 is still living at home, and SD24 is still "in college". I'm still paying for insurance, utilities, etc.
How I was raised was that when I turned 18, I started supporting myself. I worked and paid my own bills. "Moving home" after college was not even a thought in my head. From the moment I left for college, I took on my own financial support.
Not only am I completely opposed to the idea of GROWN ADULTS living under my roof (not paying rent or contributing a dime to expenses of course), I am completely opposed to paying for their insurance, cell phone, etc. IMO it's WAY past time that they were completely turned loose to fully support themselves.
My wife cries the blues about "they struggle" and "they have it so hard", which is laughable. Whenever I mention I am cutting them off from my financial support, I am attacked and abused as "evil" and "cruel". Well, one, they aren;t my "kids", I don't have or have ever had any legal responsibility to support them. The only reason I did is because I loved my wife and wanted to help her. I want them out of MY house (wife laughably claims its "their home") and off of all MY accounts. I pay for everything, 100%. Wife has never contributed a dime!
When I state my intentions, I am told by my wife under no uncertain terms that they "will live with us for as long as they want" and that "we are a package deal" and "if you don't like it, you can leave!"
I hate the idea of a divorce, but I feel as if I am being coerced and blackmailed into accepting to cater to and support two grown adults or "get out". Am I in the wrong? I know it's easy to say "get divorced" but it's easier said than done in practice. It's mentally and physically taking a toll on me and I am at a loss.
You get to set your boundaries, and your wife does not necessarily get a vote.
Why does your wife get to dictate the terms of your household and marriage?
Sounds like there’s a serious power imbalance in your marriage, and it’s not in your favor. You need to address that, or nothing improves for you. And that starts with you.
If you feel it is so difficult to divorce, then remain married. And the toll this hot mess is taking on your mental and physical health? Just wait until you keel over from a heart attack or stroke.I hate the idea of a divorce, but I feel as if I am being coerced and blackmailed into accepting to cater to and support two grown adults or "get out". Am I in the wrong? I know it's easy to say "get divorced" but it's easier said than done in practice. It's mentally and physically taking a toll on me and I am at a loss.
So your mooch of a wife and her kids don't pay a dime for anything. Gee, I dunno ... it sounds like divorce would be far easier than supporting a bunch of deadbeats.
Do you think your wife chose you for a reason? Why doesn’t she work? Contribute?
Fine. Tell them not to let the door hit them in the ass when they leave. Seriously.When I state my intentions, I am told by my wife under no uncertain terms that they "will live with us for as long as they want" and that "we are a package deal" and "if you don't like it, you can leave!"
Suggest family therapy/ counseling. This is a situation that the internet can not solve. I understand that you had a different upcoming and you feel not appreciated. But, you create a very bad atmosphere at home if you let everyone feel that these are "not your children" and it's "your money" and "your house" and you want them to be "gone. This is not ok. What is the girls vision, plans and goals? Did you ever sit down with both and tried to look for a compromise that you all together can agree on? Work on budget? Suggest side jobs for them. You all need to come up with some ideas instead just reacting as you did before. I believe, your wife reacts that ways because you are hurting her with those statements.I've been married to my wife for 5 years. During the good times, I do love her. She has two daughters, 28 and 24 from her previous marriage. We have been together since they were in high school. Shortly after becoming a serious couple I stepped in to help support her two daughters as their father was completely absentee. My generosity was predicated on the theory that the two girls would graduate high school, go away to college and become independent. Fast forward to now and SD28 is still living at home, and SD24 is still "in college". I'm still paying for insurance, utilities, etc.
How I was raised was that when I turned 18, I started supporting myself. I worked and paid my own bills. "Moving home" after college was not even a thought in my head. From the moment I left for college, I took on my own financial support.
Not only am I completely opposed to the idea of GROWN ADULTS living under my roof (not paying rent or contributing a dime to expenses of course), I am completely opposed to paying for their insurance, cell phone, etc. IMO it's WAY past time that they were completely turned loose to fully support themselves.
My wife cries the blues about "they struggle" and "they have it so hard", which is laughable. Whenever I mention I am cutting them off from my financial support, I am attacked and abused as "evil" and "cruel". Well, one, they aren;t my "kids", I don't have or have ever had any legal responsibility to support them. The only reason I did is because I loved my wife and wanted to help her. I want them out of MY house (wife laughably claims its "their home") and off of all MY accounts. I pay for everything, 100%. Wife has never contributed a dime!
When I state my intentions, I am told by my wife under no uncertain terms that they "will live with us for as long as they want" and that "we are a package deal" and "if you don't like it, you can leave!"
I hate the idea of a divorce, but I feel as if I am being coerced and blackmailed into accepting to cater to and support two grown adults or "get out". Am I in the wrong? I know it's easy to say "get divorced" but it's easier said than done in practice. It's mentally and physically taking a toll on me and I am at a loss.
Ripping the bandaid off hurts more than letting the wound fester and ooze indefinitely, but eventually you're gonna lose that limb. Might as well cut your losses now.
Some states have lifetime alimony after married 10 years. Wouldn’t it be great to provide for them your whole life?
It’s high time you got the road. The longer you wait, the bigger the take—- for her.
It’s high time you got the road. The longer you wait, the bigger the take—- for her.
What you loving her has anything to do with your situation? you being a fool who cowards to do what you just complain about it instead of doing it is the problem, nothing else.I do love her.
Most likely at the end, you won't do a thing, so stop complaining, or get things done.
Anytime a woman tells you “if you don’t like it, then leave”……. It’s time to leave.
There’s zero respect there. And once a woman loses respect, it’s all downhill from there. There will be other problems than these leeches eventually.
I’m curious. How’s the sex life? In my opinion, that says a lot about the rest of the relationship.
There’s zero respect there. And once a woman loses respect, it’s all downhill from there. There will be other problems than these leeches eventually.
I’m curious. How’s the sex life? In my opinion, that says a lot about the rest of the relationship.
Why don't you just move out and stop paying into the household and tell her I'll come back when they're out or at least paying bills.I've been married to my wife for 5 years. During the good times, I do love her. She has two daughters, 28 and 24 from her previous marriage. We have been together since they were in high school. Shortly after becoming a serious couple I stepped in to help support her two daughters as their father was completely absentee. My generosity was predicated on the theory that the two girls would graduate high school, go away to college and become independent. Fast forward to now and SD28 is still living at home, and SD24 is still "in college". I'm still paying for insurance, utilities, etc.
How I was raised was that when I turned 18, I started supporting myself. I worked and paid my own bills. "Moving home" after college was not even a thought in my head. From the moment I left for college, I took on my own financial support.
Not only am I completely opposed to the idea of GROWN ADULTS living under my roof (not paying rent or contributing a dime to expenses of course), I am completely opposed to paying for their insurance, cell phone, etc. IMO it's WAY past time that they were completely turned loose to fully support themselves.
My wife cries the blues about "they struggle" and "they have it so hard", which is laughable. Whenever I mention I am cutting them off from my financial support, I am attacked and abused as "evil" and "cruel". Well, one, they aren;t my "kids", I don't have or have ever had any legal responsibility to support them. The only reason I did is because I loved my wife and wanted to help her. I want them out of MY house (wife laughably claims its "their home") and off of all MY accounts. I pay for everything, 100%. Wife has never contributed a dime!
When I state my intentions, I am told by my wife under no uncertain terms that they "will live with us for as long as they want" and that "we are a package deal" and "if you don't like it, you can leave!"
I hate the idea of a divorce, but I feel as if I am being coerced and blackmailed into accepting to cater to and support two grown adults or "get out". Am I in the wrong? I know it's easy to say "get divorced" but it's easier said than done in practice. It's mentally and physically taking a toll on me and I am at a loss.
Just read about a similar situation where the guy is asking "AITA for cancelling a vacation because my wife can't pay her share after helping her adult son and ex-husband?" The consensus seems to be NTA - not the a$$hole. I will say that you would not be the a$$hole either for cutting them off the dole. Better sooner rather than later!
Does your wife work?
Is the older daughter working? If so she needs to be paying a percentage of her pay towards the bills. The youngest in still in college so cant work full time but could maybe get a part time job but isn't going to be able to contribute much until she leave college and gets a full time one.
Very few people leave home for college at 18 and never come back. Things were different 30 or so years ago. Housing was so much cheaper then.
In the UK it's very common for adult children in their 20's to still be living at home due to such high rents and very expensive housing.
She is right in that they come as a package, you don't just marry the parent but effectively become the step dad, especially as their dad doesn't seem to be around.
Mr D did that when he married me. He said that my children became his when we married.
However it sounds as if you all need to have a family meeting, maybe with a family counsellor, and talk this through. I am sure agreements can be reached.
Is the older daughter working? If so she needs to be paying a percentage of her pay towards the bills. The youngest in still in college so cant work full time but could maybe get a part time job but isn't going to be able to contribute much until she leave college and gets a full time one.
Very few people leave home for college at 18 and never come back. Things were different 30 or so years ago. Housing was so much cheaper then.
In the UK it's very common for adult children in their 20's to still be living at home due to such high rents and very expensive housing.
She is right in that they come as a package, you don't just marry the parent but effectively become the step dad, especially as their dad doesn't seem to be around.
Mr D did that when he married me. He said that my children became his when we married.
However it sounds as if you all need to have a family meeting, maybe with a family counsellor, and talk this through. I am sure agreements can be reached.
I don't know that this is a perfect fit, coincidentally earlier today I posted an article in the Articles section of this forum called "Parasitic Lifestyle." You might at least have a look and see if any of it rings true.
Help them get work- but do not pay their bills. If your wife makes it an ultimatum then you have no choice. You have to divorce.
Th
They aren't his children. It is his money. Not small things.Suggest family therapy/ counseling. This is a situation that the internet can not solve. I understand that you had a different upcoming and you feel not appreciated. But, you create a very bad atmosphere at home if you let everyone feel that these are "not your children" and it's "your money" and "your house" and you want them to be "gone. This is not ok. What is the girls vision, plans and goals? Did you ever sit down with both and tried to look for a compromise that you all together can agree on? Work on budget? Suggest side jobs for them. You all need to come up with some ideas instead just reacting as you did before. I believe, your wife reacts that ways because you are hurting her with those statements.
1 - 20 of 126 Posts
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