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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Am trying to understand what is going on with my wife and I. We have been together for about 20 years, married for 17. Since our oldest was born 14 yrs ago my wife has had a very low sex drive, roughly once a month but sometimes as much as six months in between.

Friction between us is a little cyclical over this but we've been pretty stable. We might have a fight about it once or twice in a year. Otherwise we accommodate each other reasonably.

Recently she's gone through episodes where she just withdraws completely. No affection (hugs, kisses, snuggles). When I tried to discuss this it turned into a "all you want is sex" fight. Then she has tried to accommodate me, but it's pretty obvious she doesn't want me touching her at all, seeing her naked, or even thinking about sex.

I feel like a high-schooler, like she's broken up with me but just hasn't told me yet.

What can I do to get her to talk about how she feels, what's going on, every time I try it just turns into a nasty fight???
 

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Do you think maybe she just doesn't feel sexy since she had your oldest? I know it took me a while before I wanted to be seen naked after, and I'm still not crazy about it because I don't have the time to get back into shape like I was. That is a long time to be like that though. Have you tried to sit down and talk to her about it, not really about sex so much but just tell her that you still find her sexy and you miss that connection? Maybe talking in "women lingo" you might get to what is really wrong
 

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Just my two cents...

The possible reason is that over the years, any sign of affection from you always had a string attached which means sex as the result. May I suggest that you look at your behaviours over the years and see if that may be a cause. I went through the same with my H for many years... the only reason he would snuggle, be close or lovingly touch me was a means to get sex. That's not how a womans brain is wired. Perhaps try to engage in simple non sexual touching... SLOWLY and patiently... without any hint or expectation of sex as a result.... just the pure pleasure for you to be in her presence.

good luck.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Well for a long time I did think that, we eventually had three kids and she put on quite a bit of weight. But I never complained and I was always attracted to her, so from me at least she never received any kind of criticism.

In the last year she has lost a great deal of weight is almost at the weight she was at when we were married. She looks great.
 

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You have to remind her of the good times and ask why you cant have them anymore. She will most likely list you a whole lot of 'faults'. Take it calmly without answering or arguing. Try to get her to have them 'all' out.
 

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WOW. Congratulations. 20 years before your wife fell out of love with you. How did you kids last so long?

Sorry. That's my sarcastic way of saying that all wives fall out of love with their husbands somewhere between the 6 and 10 year mark (give or take). Welcome to the club. I discovered mine at year 20, but in hindsight it was going on for...ever?
 

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Married man sex life.

Do the man-up plan. Just keep in mind what your goal is...The goal is to improve yourself, and not to play some game to get your wife to come around. Work on yourself, take sex off of the table completely. She is not responsible for your sexual satisfaction, nor are you for hers. Take care of yourself if need be. Let go of resentment and make yourself happy, do things for and by yourself and stop looking to her for any approval. Some women get this way, and the more you try, the worse it gets.
If you are taking up any slack for what she is neglecting, stop it and take care of your responsibilities only and let her own her own sh!t. Just remember, she's not your mom, so if you are acting like a little boy trying to get mommie's attention, stop stop stop and get your sac back jack.
 

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Married man sex life.

Do the man-up plan. Just keep in mind what your goal is...The goal is to improve yourself, and not to play some game to get your wife to come around. Work on yourself, take sex off of the table completely. She is not responsible for your sexual satisfaction, nor are you for hers. Take care of yourself if need be. Let go of resentment and make yourself happy, do things for and by yourself and stop looking to her for any approval. Some women get this way, and the more you try, the worse it gets.
If you are taking up any slack for what she is neglecting, stop it and take care of your responsibilities only and let her own her own sh!t. Just remember, she's not your mom, so if you are acting like a little boy trying to get mommie's attention, stop stop stop and get your sac back jack.
Would this work for women? To 'woman up' so to speak? I'm in the same boat as you, OP...except not together as long. Sad, because we'll never last 20 years or even 5 years like this...
 

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Would this work for women? To 'woman up' so to speak? I'm in the same boat as you, OP...except not together as long. Sad, because we'll never last 20 years or even 5 years like this...
With some men ( and probably me as well) You need to not beat around the bush, chop the d4mn thing down and show him the axe.
Be straight up, somewhat in his face and tell him "Look, babe..We aren't working and I want us to work. Work out, take some blue pills, but get your act together soon and treat me like your wife"
Or some variation thereof.
Your husband needs to probably man up as well. I can tell you after 19 years and 11 months of marriage, with plenty of highs and lows, that a spouse lets fear keep them from asking for what they want. Accept the fear and take a chance...There are 2 outcomes, but they both ultimately will lead you to a happier life.
 

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With some men ( and probably me as well) You need to not beat around the bush, chop the d4mn thing down and show him the axe.
Be straight up, somewhat in his face and tell him "Look, babe..We aren't working and I want us to work. Work out, take some blue pills, but get your act together soon and treat me like your wife"
Or some variation thereof.
Your husband needs to probably man up as well. I can tell you after 19 years and 11 months of marriage, with plenty of highs and lows, that a spouse lets fear keep them from asking for what they want. Accept the fear and take a chance...There are 2 outcomes, but they both ultimately will lead you to a happier life.
I guess I'm half way there...I get in his face about the no sex all the time. He always has an excuse. I've never had a man in my life that didn't want sex - never. But yes. Your suggestion of telling him it's not working and to do something to fix it, I like! It's better than just getting "I know, I know..." when I tell him how disturbing/unsatisfying our infrequency rate really is. I feel like yelling "I know you know, so DO something about it!".
 

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WOW. Congratulations. 20 years before your wife fell out of love with you. How did you kids last so long?

Sorry. That's my sarcastic way of saying that all wives fall out of love with their husbands somewhere between the 6 and 10 year mark (give or take). Welcome to the club. I discovered mine at year 20, but in hindsight it was going on for...ever?
As usual, I'm the exception to most every rule. I didn't "fall out of love" with STBXH, 24 years together. That is until he left to live with Trampasaurus Wrecks.
 

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I guess I'm half way there...I get in his face about the no sex all the time. He always has an excuse. I've never had a man in my life that didn't want sex - never. But yes. Your suggestion of telling him it's not working and to do something to fix it, I like! It's better than just getting "I know, I know..." when I tell him how disturbing/unsatisfying our infrequency rate really is. I feel like yelling "I know you know, so DO something about it!".
Word! :iagree:
 
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