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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
OK, I get my WH works with guys who cheat and cover for each other when they go out of town. This I knew, but he played me for years saying how much he despised their behavior... Right. So there in itself is a culture that helped lead him into his poor decisions. Several of the notorious cheaters were ones he admired at work. So I guess I shouldn't be surprised by any of this, given the poor respect marriage and family seems to be given in his workplace.

We've seen several coworkers end up in divorce because of this behavior. The kicker is they finally got caught, while my WH got away with it for eight years. Those women got the opportunity to remarry, have more children with their new husbands. I did not, I'm now into my 40s. I feel I was robbed of life, in an argument he told me he would not get snipped in case we divorce. So he would marry younger and start fresh I suppose. But, I'm now too old to do such. My children are getting older, I'll just be out there alone. It made me realize "family" is a very disposable thing to some of these men. Struggling with the definition of family this holiday season for sure.

What kills me is why coworkers would cover and lie for so long... One of the women I was referring to was being cheated on during her pregnancies, he was having a ONS every time he went out of town, was having affairs at work. Everyone knew, why did nobody come forward? Eventually, somebody did... But, nobody did for me. I talked to a male friend. He said there was always the one guy who would cheat out of town and everyone just turned their back. Given what we've all been thru, would you speak up now? I think everyone deserves a right to know. I was denied a better life because of the secrets and lies.

ANYWAY, since it hit the fan he went around telling coworkers he had a drunken ONS years ago with a stranger out of town and I can't get over it. Has turned this into I'm the bad one. What none of them are getting is the years of lies and manipulation I have been put thru. That he spent a year giving me a false story. I saw a text a buddy of his sent him. It said are you still nailed to the cross? This really made me mad. He knew that girl, saw her again. I feel he purposely humiliated me more and I've now become some crazy wife that can't get over a BJ. Has he told any of them he failed a poly? It was no BJ and it was years of cheating.

I'm just feeling mad this morning. Morality no longer exists in this world.
 

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40s is still a good age, I don't know from which magazine you're hearing otherwise.

You haven't filed divorce why?

If a cheater is unrepentant theres not much else you can do other than leaving him/her.
 

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Life is not over at 40. I am 44 and I feel I am just beginning to know who I am. Sure I have my days where I feel old and not so good about myself, but I like who I am now.
Do not put up with disrespect in your marriage because of your age! Enjoy your maturity. A confident 40 year old woman is so much more beautiful than a 20-something woman with esteem issues.
Try to stop feeling so robbed and focus on your blessings! I know this is easier said than done. I find that by doing this I feel better when faced with problems.
It is hard to know why some circles of men celebrate this way of life. I don't think they would know. I think it is sad, dispicable too. I believe what goes around comes around. Someday these men, if they have any sort of conscious, will regret thier beahavior.
 

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Hurting - divorce him, there's ZERO remorse on his part.

As for being in your 40's. 40's is nothing these days, it's a time of vibrant living and fun. Divorce his worthless cheating butt and you'll find there are much better men out there.
 

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Take his phone and write a round robin text to all his friends and co workers saying exactly what. Say thanks for listening. And had he not turned you into a figment of their imagination by labelling you wrongly you would never have embarrassed him so.

....have a nice day!
 

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Please work on your self esteem. Don't waste another minute worrying about what his co-workers think of you. Do they influence your life? Do they mean anything to you?
They are a bunch of cheating B*stards with ex wives, who cares what they think.

Your husband is not your friend or partner. He is badmouthing you when he should be praising you. He is the problem in this equation. Those co-workers are not friends to this marriage. Your husband needs to respect your wishes and never discuss you or the marriage to his co-workers. He is betraying your trust by doing this.

I'd suggest you lay down boundaries and if he oversteps those boundaries then file for divorce.

Things need to change. Someday you'll be 50 and dealing with an un-remorseful soon-to-be ex husband.

Why suffer another day of this???

Wake up!! He's never gonna change!!! He proves to you every day he is not the man you want him to be!!!
 

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I know plenty of people in their 40s that remarried and are very happy with their new mates. I'm in my mid 30s and wouldn't care about a 7 year gap (in fact when I was 28 I was dating a lady 7 years older). Typically, you're going to date other Divorcee's that can appreciate the value of a healthy partnership.


BTW - I'm sure those co-workers are trashtalkers about each other as well... I'd bet on it. They sound like morally corrupt people and probably have miserable lives in secret.

If you really are PO'd, and it's a larger company, you could go to HR about the culture of affairs on business trips.

Also
was having affairs at work.
- if true, that person would get cann'd if HR found out. They all might if this was a circle of people/dept doing this. You could round up the other BW's and make your case stronger and overwhelming. Also, if any of OW were co-workers, they'd get cann'd.
 

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Stop being afraid of being alone.

I'm in my 50's and can testify that life doesn't end as you get older. It can actually get better.

The culture that you're describing, the brotherhood that keeps all the secrets and talks so disparagingly about you, will always be there if you stay with your H. And not all male cultures are like that. There's some of it, sure, but not to the extent that it makes a mockery of marriage.

Go find some respect and peace for yourself.
 

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OK, I get my WH works with guys who cheat and cover for each other when they go out of town. This I knew, but he played me for years saying how much he despised their behavior..
The fact that he was engaging in "reaction formation" which means he was engaging in the same behavior he said he despised, is not a good sign. He needs counseling.

Talk to a counselor about this.
 

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I agree with what everybody says here.
You are not old.That is just in your mind.Your husband would be willing to live with you if you put the with cheating ****.But do you want to?Have you so little of self-esteem?

I do not even have children,I left the B****** to suffer in his world of deciet;I had similar situatuion like yours;Dead rotten colleauges from whom he took support to ignore me at home and had good time at office;
Once I accepted the divorce and asked him not to contact me anymore,I have not looked back;

And Yes,I went ahaead with all sorts of insecurities,my family,immediate society are all damn conservative and do not accept divorce;I overcome all that,I have no plans to be married or find another man lest god sends a companion for a lifetime;I do not want to see any more b***** in my life again.

Just send all the so-called friends an email,or text that since their soul is dead,they shall remain like zombies all their life withot any happiness and shall never know the meaning of love and respect;

And leave that man for your and the children's sanity;Do not put up with cheating;Vent in here.
 

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Are you gonna take the crap he keeps throwing at you, or are you gonna do something about it---like at least threaten him with D-------if not why are you even here----what is it you want?????
 

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Can you elaborate? Thanks.

You cannot chnage your husband;he has to do it for himself;If he has some issues and needs to see a counsellor;you can utmost tell him he has issues which he needs to deal with in a healthy manner like going to a counsellor but apart from that it is not your call anymore;

Just detach yourself gradually and in adetremined manner;Everytime yiu feel weak,think of the humiliations,lies,deceitful actions you had to put up through and the pain you are facing now;No humna being in the whole world has the right to make you feel so bad;
And the one who breaks his vows and is audacious enough and so disrespectful as to insult and defame you in front of other idiots(his colleaugues)-that person should be kicket out,seriously.

Also,who is he to tell you that he will have thousand woman to start a life fresh,any woman who settles for a cheat is there for time-pass and herself must be spinless person;So just do not think that man,your H is a 'living god' for whom people are waiting to get married;Utmost he will lie to a few to get them,but soon that will end;

AND YO ARE NOT OLD;LET THIS FEAR NOT MAKE YOU LIVE WITH A CHEATING ****.LEAVE HIM:mad:
:)
 

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8 years of cheating.
He robbed your life.

Deceit.

Sorry. Hurtingbadly.

To live alone or otherwise is your choice. Your kids are getting older, you say.

You can live either way, HB.

IMHO, what we need is to know ways we deal with triggers, emotions.

I guess you are at much better emotional level to deal with triggers and emotions (disappointment, upsets etc).

Take a good care of yourself.

Live, dear.
 
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