Being done or not

1318 Views 6 Replies 6 Participants Last post by Jemm, Oct 12, 2012

Splunky

Discussion Starter · Oct 12, 2012

First time poster here. No reason to not be harsh on me, I can take it. My Wife and I seperated in April this year after a 12 year marriage. She had an affair with her boss that started someitme last year and continued for months until I caught her. We have two kids together who we now split 50/50 custody.

I filed for divorce and she moved out. We are waiting for the next court date where we should (and will) be divorced. We were no contact for some time execpt for kids and she acted like she hated me. One day she reached out to me and asked me out on a date. I said no. She continued to ask a few more times over the next few weeks and one night she just stopped by late at night. We ended up sleeping together. a few weeks later she asked again about a date. I agreed that it wouldn't hurt to go out and see what she had to say. She started telling me how much she missed me and how sad she was. We decided that we would attempt, with no promises, to try and start dating and see what would come of it.

We went out on a few dates and things went well. We talked about just out a few times to see how things went, then we would start talking about the reall issues. Her affair. A few days after we went out she was at a party where we had mutual friends. She was talking to our mutual friends about how we were trying to see if we would work things out. Well, the friends were happy and wished us the best. A few hours later one of those friends caught her making out with a guy in the bathroom at the party. That friend came right over my house that night to tell me what she saw. I was shocked. Why would she do this to me. I told her to leave me alone.

A little time passed and know she wants to try and work things out again. Why do I feel like I need to try one more time. It is obvious that she can't control herself. What is wrong with me? I miss her so much and I have had so much trouble moving on. I am willing to bet not one person here things I should try again.

Oh well. Advice?

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Couleur

· #2 · Oct 12, 2012

The obvious answer is that she's not really ready to reconcile with you. By stepping away she probably has come to appreciate your good qualities and there is a lot of uncertainty living on her own -- especially since her choice of affair partner may mean that work is unstable too. But, she's cake eating -- she also wants to take advantage of the freedom she's gotten.

You don't say how old your kids are, but I think you need to protect them. So I'd say, do NOT let her move back into the house, do NOT let your children see you two dating (it'll just get their hopes up), if you want to continue to date her you can (although you'll be told by others to simply let her go so you can move on), but at this point I think you need to move forward with the divorce.

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Mtts

· #3 · Oct 12, 2012

Agreed with the above absolutely. She took advantage of you not once but twice now. I don't even believe in second chances. If I had absolute proof of my wife having a intimate moment with anyone it'd be done.

I mean not even just for the sake of finding a partner who really cares about your needs. Think about your health, literally. She could expose you to STD's. I know no one wants to think about that but it's a real concern. What if she was drunk and lets something happen. Gets any number of diseases. I'd pass on that.

Do what you feel is right, but she certianly isn't thinking of you in this. She's thinking of her. Hence her saying she was sad and misses you. This isn't because she feels bad really, this is because she liked the duality aspect of it. If she was truly remorsful she would have stated "I'm sorry that I caused you so much turmoil and pain, it was wrong of me and I am hurt and upset with my own actions." She sounds like she's happy staying on the ride, get off man, you'll get sick.

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Splunky

Discussion Starter · #4 · Oct 12, 2012

Cant say that I don't agree with you. Two things. She is not moving back into the house. That would take a long long time. And we are getting a divorce. There is no stopping that.

That being said. I guess I am just going to ride this out at this point. I enjoyed my freedom as well and was happy moving on for a while until she started coming back around. I saw the old person for a few days, but I now know I saw the new person at the same time. It can be confusing and I do feel weak at times.

The trust factor is gone and she would have to work pretty damn hard. I guess I feel that after so long I should play it out and see how it goes.

My children are young 3 and 5. They have struggled through this, but are coming around. I have a great time with them and 50/50 is the closest thing to fair they can have. I guess when you have children it makes it much more difficult to not see how things will turn out, even if you know it is not good.

Confusion can be tricky. And I am confused. As much as I would love to just walk and forget, that is not so easy either.

Thank you for your replies!

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Conrad

· #5 · Oct 12, 2012

She's a serial cheater.

Are you ok with that?

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spun

· #6 · Oct 12, 2012

Splunky said:
First time poster here. No reason to not be harsh on me, I can take it. My Wife and I seperated in April this year after a 12 year marriage. She had an affair with her boss that started someitme last year and continued for months until I caught her. We have two kids together who we now split 50/50 custody.

I filed for divorce and she moved out. We are waiting for the next court date where we should (and will) be divorced. We were no contact for some time execpt for kids and she acted like she hated me. One day she reached out to me and asked me out on a date. I said no. She continued to ask a few more times over the next few weeks and one night she just stopped by late at night. We ended up sleeping together. a few weeks later she asked again about a date. I agreed that it wouldn't hurt to go out and see what she had to say. She started telling me how much she missed me and how sad she was. We decided that we would attempt, with no promises, to try and start dating and see what would come of it.

We went out on a few dates and things went well. We talked about just out a few times to see how things went, then we would start talking about the reall issues. Her affair. A few days after we went out she was at a party where we had mutual friends. She was talking to our mutual friends about how we were trying to see if we would work things out. Well, the friends were happy and wished us the best. A few hours later one of those friends caught her making out with a guy in the bathroom at the party. That friend came right over my house that night to tell me what she saw. I was shocked. Why would she do this to me. I told her to leave me alone.

A little time passed and know she wants to try and work things out again. Why do I feel like I need to try one more time. It is obvious that she can't control herself. What is wrong with me? I miss her so much and I have had so much trouble moving on. I am willing to bet not one person here things I should try again.

Oh well. Advice?

One word.

Run.

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Jemm

· #7 · Oct 12, 2012

There is nothing wrong with you, those are normal human feelings. You are experiencing loss and grief, and reconciling would make them go away. No one wants to lose their family, maybe thats why you want to try again. Give yourself some time, you dont have to decide that right away. What she did is low, really low. Dont be her back up plan

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