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Beginning of the End?

11464 Views 122 Replies 13 Participants Last post by  Decorum, 
S
I need to talk but not really sure who to talk to or where to start, so I guess just getting things out is at least a start.

I came home yesterday to find my wife has gone, she wants a trial seperation to try to find herself and rekindle her love for me and to think about her future.

It just feels like, it’s the end.

We have been married 8 years and together for 12, all that time we have I thought shared the same goals, careers, big house, flash cars, holidays.

About 3 years ago I started working away from home, 2 years later my wife decided to as well, and I think thats when our problems really started.

She didnt really cope that well at least thats what I thought, she was spending so much money on hotels and eating out that her work stopped paying her expenses, and she built up debt that we paid off from our savings. During the time she also bought a car even we couldnt afford dipping into our savings and borrowing. When she did this she stopped contributing as much to the house hold bills.

We've argued a lot over it since then,, and about me not feeling that she was able to get the right work life balance.

I wont go into all the details but financially 3 years ago we had £55k in savings now we have £20k, this is despite us both earning more than we ever have.

She quit her job and came home, if I’m honest I was putting pressure on her to do this, paying off all her expenses was killing me financially, and she was also having problems at work as well, so she was coming home complaining about work and then I was giving her grief. The sadest thing for me is that, I think honestly she enjoyed being away.

That was 3 months ago, since she has been back her spending hasn’t really improved, but I was less concerned about it as at least we were spending more time together. I stopped working away as well and instead commute.

She fell pregnant and we were both so happy, neither of us had really thought we would ever want children but we both realised we did. Sadly she miscarriage and it hit her really bad, far worse than I think either of us expected.

Since then although she has got a new job and was talking about trading down her car, something has gone from her. She hasn’t wanted me to touch her which I understand, she is not fully recovered from the miscarriage, it takes time, but she seems to look at me differently and she has quite big mood swings one minute happy the next sad. She takes everything I say as criticism and all her confidence has gone.

I can see she isn’t happy, I don’t think she knows what she wants.
She left a note which confirms it all, she wants us to start again and date each other and try to refind her love for me. She left yesterday and is already talking of coming over tonight.

I just don’t know what I should do, she has rented a flat so planned the leave, I want to give her space but I’m worried about how to act when I see her. I am so sad that she has gone, she is all I want in life. I realised I guess some time ago, when we were apart due to work that truly all the material things where no longer important to me.

I have tried so hard over the last year to improve myself, I’ve lost weight quite smoking, she says in her letter that she no longer feels she is good enough for me, the reality has always been the opposite.

How do you start a relationship all over again, I have no idea where to begin or even if she is just saying it out of guilt.

I have no idea how I feel financially as well, I suspect that last of our savings will disappear and that was always a big issue for me as I see it as our future and all the things we could have spent doing together with it, its now just being wasted as I will need to use it on the house and she will on her rent.

I don’t know whether to tell people, I guess I am embarrassed, no, maybe not, maybe it is the realisation that this may not be temporary

I don’t know whether to ask her to move back, I want to, but that might not be right.

I really want her to see a councillor as I think she may be a little depressed, and at this stage I really feel I will make her worse as my only thoughts are reconciliation.

I understand that if she realises she no longer loves me then separation is the only option, but obviously that’s a hard pill to swallow.

I feel so lonely already.
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Decorum
The first thing you need to do is buy the book (or ebook) Married Mans Sex Life (MMSL). It is the starting point for men in your situation. It is the starting point for all the advise you will be getting here. BTW it is mis-named its not about sex but about what attracts woman to men. You are not even on the field until you understand these principles.. This book will change your life.

keep updating this thread to keep it alive and you will receive good advise.
Take care!
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S
Thanks for the tip, ironically she bought be a kindle for my birthday, this will be the first book I put on it.
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WhatKatyShouldHaveDone
stamford

Please don't feel lonely - you are definitely not alone in your loneliness.

I can feel the hurt and confusion in your words, and I' m sorry.

People want to be happy. More than anything. Everything that we want, we want it because we think we will feel better in the having of it. What people like your wife don't understand is that happiness is an inside job. Money, flash cars, new clothes, even a baby will not make you happy.

So they keep searching, on to the next thing, on to the next thing.....

These situations are just so hard because trust kind of goes out of the window - I mean you came home to find she had just gone??!! It is hard to believe anything a WS says, and I don't even think half the time they even know how they really feel anyway. The blind leading the blind.

Try and think about what you want, and how you can best go about getting it whilst protecting yourself emotionally and financially.

You live in UK? We do not seem to be as good as our American friends in getting therapy...but if she is SERIOUS about starting again, and not just stringing you along, then she will definitely agree to marriage therapy.

Get a session booked asap. If she will not go. I think that you are right, it is over.

You will get through this.
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Decorum
You are welcome Stamford.

I sorry to even ask but do you suspect any type of ea/pa on her part over the years?
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NoWhere
Sounds like she has just gotten bored & depressed and thinks something different in her life will make her happy. I agree with Katy that happiness starts with ones self first. IMO people learn to take what they have for granted. Only when they lose it all and find themselves unhappy again in another situation do they realize how good they had it.

I hope things work our for you. Nothing more devastating then to lose someone you love.
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S
Its been a week since I first posted.

I guess a fair amount has happened although it doesn’t feel as though we are any further forward.

She left last Thursday

Came over on Friday and we chatted and hugged, then she left, saying she would call or come over Saturday morning.

She came over Saturday afternoon, we had dinner, talked, hugged, she stayed the night.

Sunday we were up early, she said she wanted to go get some clothes so we could go to the gym, and that she would be back in an hour or so, she didn’t come back and didn’t answer the phone.

I went to the house she is renting Sunday pm 9:30ish, her car wasn’t there, there are 4 identical house in a barn conversion and I wasn’t sure which was hers so didn’t knock.

On Monday we spoke briefly, I asked her what she had got up to the previous night and she said she stayed in watching dvd’s, I didn’t say I had been over, felt to stalkerish.

Tuesday she came home after work and stayed over.

Wednesday she went out with work, but came home after and stayed.

Thursday we went to work together, by train, I texted her just before leaving asking what train she was getting back, she said she was working late and would get a taxi but would then be going back to her rented place. I stayed a little late so ended up on a later train than planned, she must have left at the time I had originally proposed, when I got home she wasn’t there and car was gone.

Called her and she said she was at a friends and we needed to talk and would pop round, couple of hours later no sign, so called again and she wasn’t picking up. Had a few drinks and went to sleep, woke up a few hours later at 2am couldn’t get back to sleep at 3:30 decided to go see her, drove to the rented place and her car wasn’t there.

Don’t understand whats going on, we were getting on well, and then she just switched, its driving me mad, I feel like a stalker, I just want a straight answer, we either have to work together equally or I don’t see how it can work.

Has anyone had this? How do you stop yourself from coming across pathetic and stalkerish, I don’t want to seem desperate I just want to know where I stand so we can move forward.

I haven’t told anyone yet, can’t bring myself to do it.
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Decorum said:
You are welcome Stamford.

I sorry to even ask but do you suspect any type of ea/pa on her part over the years?
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A week ago I would have said no, but now I am not so sure, I still think no, since being back from working away, every 3-4 weeks she stays out a night or 2, at mums, with friends etc, of course, i have never checked.

She also been out a number of times, on girls nights, which I guess most women do.

Its hard to tell.

Now I dont think she is staying in the rented place she said she was, maybe she has stayed with a friend I dont know, I do know I have never met the friend.

I have asked and she has said no, but I can't deny I am not 100%.
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My typing is poor, but it is 5:30am, and I have been up since 06:30 yesterday so hopefully forgiven.
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Decorum
Hi Stamford,
Just checking on your thread, thanks for the update.
The uncertanity in all this must be very hard for you, I sorry.
It sounds like she is not wanting to hurt you so she is not telling you everything.

Do you feel strong enough to hear the truth no matter what it is?
I think that is what you need to think about now. Maybe try detaching emotionally a bit so you can gain some objectivity.

Following her around is not going to help you, she is excluding you and there is no ambiguity there.

Who can say what she is up to, but I have seen this before it usually happens before a revelation and a split.

It almost does not matter if the revelation is that there is an ea/pa (though they almost never admit to this if they dont have to), or some unhappiness that is causing her to leave.

You have to think about how to center yourself with her not in you world, that is hard work.

It may be that you can resolve whatever it is, but if you look at the newbie thread in the Coping With Infidelity section you can find some very helpful things there.

Just let me say that begging and looking weak is not attractive to most woman, this is a time to project strength and confidence as much as possible.

Also to think through what your boundaries are for a relationship and purpose to stick with them. This is all you really have control of at the moment, this will help you make good decisions and is your best chance at showing her a man worth being with. (these thinge are hard on our confidence and self esteem)

Some men go into detective mode here, if there is an affair there are important steps to take to try and recover the relationship, if you feel you need to go there, ask a moderator to move this to the Coping With Infidelity section and you will find much help there in this regard.

These will be hard days, be strong!

Check back when you can, type however you want!

Take care!
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S
Thanks so much for the response.

I have spoken to her now and feel a little better.

I dont think there is anyone else.

What she has told me is that 1minute she feels love for me the next she doesnt and when she doesnt she runs away rather than tell me.

She wants space, which is what I'm going to give her now.

I mentioned earlier that she had a miscarraige she is still bleeding from it and I believe it is affecting her as when she is ok with me she has stopped bleeding and as soon as it starts she seems to switch.

I have asked to see a Dr, she cancelled one appointment already.

I have been reading the 180 and know I have done everything wrong so far. Its partly because of the uncertainty and partly because we have a lodger and I am terrified of what people will think of me so am embarrased whenever she went and just wanted her back so we could pretend things are normal.

I realised today things arent normal, and I am going to try as best I can to follow the 180 advice.

I've also given her a councellor number so that she can hopefully talk through all her issues as I really dont think its just me thats the problem.
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Decorum
I'm glad to hear you feel a little better.
I had forgotten about the miscarriage, its been awhile since your first post. the emotions and hormones must make it hard for her.

Do a little research on how a miscarriage affects a woman and a marriage.

I know from being on here that what seems intuitive to a husband in trying to comfort a wife in this situation can make it worse, but I dont have enough experience with it to know, all my kids are grown and we never went through it.

If you start another thread here, IDK maybe in "the LADIES LOUNGE SECTION and ask them how you can best help your wife you might get some good advise!

Also ask about her flip floping in her feelings and her runing away in the LADIES LOUNGE SECTION.


Please, I know you know this, but doing anything now out of embarraement is going to be counterproductive, you have to be detached enough to do "whatever it takes" there is too much at stake.

Have you read MMSL yet? You need to get this and understand it.

The 180 is typically used to prepare for divorce, to help you not your wife, but the distancing often has the effect of making a spouce chase after you, but it is short lived and must be followed up with MMSL. Be careful because the distancing can also push a wife away if done to much or at the wrong time.

Stamford, i dont think its just you that is the problem, I do think that the seperation for the job is a really bad idea, ask any soldier it is so hard on a wife, and when she has resentment built up then feelings get confusing to a woman. I have seen it where a woman agrees to this arraignment and still cant help building resentment.

This is a common (and similar) occurance in a marriage, a woman marries for love, fills the role of wife and mother, the husband is happy but the wife loses herself in the relationship because she signed up for "you", not to fill a job description, she needs the connection.
For a woman to live in a marriage with no connection is like a man living in a marriage with no sex. (yes to my fellow posters everyone needs and likes sex and connection)

Think about it

Take care!
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S
Well things have gone from bad to worse.

My wife has been back home for the last week, and things have been going well, she started seeing a councillor to sort herself out, at least thats what she told me.

Anyway, on Friday she had a session and was asked to do some homework, to right a list of the positives and negatives on me, despite curiousity I know better and stayed well away, its her private time and thoughts.

So Monday she has another session and talks about these things, when she came home we went to bed as normal, she then tells me she has parked her car at the end of the road because someone had blocked our drive, so I said i dont like the idea of it being there all night and offered to move it which she agreed, but didnt know where her keys were.

I looked for them, and opened her work bag, laptop case, and there was her list of positive and negatives, only it wasnt just on me it was on another man.

We spoke about it and she told me she had been asked to write the lists on all outside influences so I dropped the issue.

We went to work together as usual we catch the same train in, she said she had a meeting at 18:30, at around 15:30 she texts to say she is feeling down about me seeing the list, and has managed to get an appointment with the councillor, so I say ok.

I was passing the councillors place on the way to work so thought as I am starting to get trust issues I would turn into the road just to make sure her car was there, it wasnt.

So now I am concerned, I drive to her rented place which she hasnt been staying and there is her car, along with the other guys car, off course I went charging in.

He was more confused than I was, they are just friends nothing going on, and actually I totally believe him, he thought we were split, and she had asked him round to put together a table, his tools where there, and I am 100% convinced he was genuine.

She on the other hand put on this sharrad saying she wasnt at counciling she was considering doing it, that she hadnt been at mine for the last week, and that she hadnt been staying.

Suddenly things fell into place, she had coming in through the back door, parking her car out of sight, she has I believe told all her friends and all our neighbours that we are totally over, whilst staying with me and telling me we are on the mend.

She is living 2 totally different lives, and I believe she wants something to happen with this guy, but he is unaware.

I really do think she has gone mad, and unfortunatly because she has seperate our lives as in, her new friends I dont know and our old ones, she is telling the new ones we are over and the old ones we are working through it.

So today, I have decided there is nothing more I can do, i love her to bits, she was my life, my future, but I cant help her, I cant trust her.

Who knows what the future holds, I hope she can fix her issues I know I cant help her, and I know that if she does anything silly like sleep around (its not like her but given the circumstances you never know) I would not be able to forgive her.

I'm taking the day off tomorrow, to start protecting myself, locks are being changed bank accounts are going to get frozen, and I have to start figuring out how I will get on alone.

My parents where the only ones I have told, they are as shocked and confused as me. But I have asked them to let the rest of my family know the situation.

Oh and this may sound a little crazy, but, after I spoke to the wife and this guy, I went straight to my parents, they live on the route in between my house and the rented house, so when i left coincidently the wife drove past me, along with this guy following, so I decided you know what I am going to find out where he is living and if she is staying the night, so I followed, they didnt go to the same address, she went to a friends house, which makes me believe even more that the affair, is in her head only as surely they would have either stayed together in the rented house, or gone back to his house.

Anyway as painful as it is, I have to for the time being give up on my marraige, realise its not my fault, and start building a life for myself, if only I had as much confidence in myself as these words imply.
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C
When a woman says she needs "space" and wants to separate, what she is really saying is that she needs space to explore her new relationship with posOM.

And, she wants to do it out of sight.

Expose the affair to friends, family, co-workers, etc.

If you want her (and it sounds like you do), you must crush this affair.

You can do that by making it as difficult as possible for them to carry on.

Anything less makes you a silent co-conspirator.



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Decorum
Stamford,
I am so sorry. Please listen to what Conrad is saying he is right.
Expose this to everyone, only a jolt will wake her up, if possible and it cannot be too strong.

Stay decent with her but detached and business like, offer no support.

You can tell her that you will will not share your wife with another man.

Tell her she has acted against everything she ever believed or stood for, and her disrepect and disloyalty is shocking.

The things you mentioned doing in you post are right in line with what we would recomend.

You would be supprised how many betrayed spouses (bs) take a long time to figure it out.

Please read the newbie thread in the coping with infidelity section.

Let us know how it goes.

Take care!
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Thanks guys,

Well it looks like I was wrong.

I cant sleep and although it is a little unethical I logged into her email account for the first time, she has been looking at places to rent since early sept looking with him, not share it seems but getting his opinion none the less.

She also went to the lake district with one of her girlfriends, who she told me booked it, but I can see in the emails that she booked it, and forward it onto him.

There is a couple of emails in there that she has forwarded onto him from me, only I didnt send them, she has written them posing as me begging for her to come back, and understanding that there is someone else. Untill today I had no certainty, and I am definatly not going to beg for someone who has cheated on me to come back.

So, with this new info I decided I wanted to double check his car wasnt in the same carpark her was, sadly it is, so she is staying with him tonight.

So in summary I am convinced now that she is having an affair.

The sadest part of all is that when she went on this weekend away, it was before we found out she was pregnant, and a few weeks before she misscarried, I am wondering now if her dirty weekend is what caused the miscarriage, and whether or not the baby would have even been mine.

I think my only option now is divorce, but how do I prove the affair when they wont admit to it.

I will start contacting some of her new friends tomorrow & family, to find out what she has been saying to them, I think I will go in with the view that I understand it is over, but the way she has been behaving is making me worry about her mental health.

Whatever happens, I really dont see how I can forgive her for what she has done, even if she decides later that she has made a mistake.

I can't stress enough how surprised I am by what she has done/is doing, its totally out of character for her.
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S
So, random question, how does someone go about building up a new social network.

I am sitting here thinking to myself I have very few friends, I've lost touch over the years as it was always just the 2 of us, and I commute to work, and moved to the area in my mid twenties so, no school friends, and no work mates.

I dont want to sit around on my own all the time or become some kind of recluse.

Any idea's where I start?
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S
God I wish I had smacked that guy now, I cant believe I was stupid enough to believe him.
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B
The sadest part of all is that when she went on this weekend away, it was before we found out she was pregnant, and a few weeks before she misscarried, I am wondering now if her dirty weekend is what caused the miscarriage, and whether or not the baby would have even been mine.
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That made me sick in my stomach . This is horrible just to think of it !

Divorce her ASAP and forget everything about her . She is evil :scratchhead:
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Decorum
Firstly almost no one here is going to think that is unethical.
We encourage you to use all means to gather evidence.

Check local laws and break them at your own risk, but I would never say its unethical to do this to catch a cheater in these ways.

If you can place a var (voice activated recorder) in a car or house then do it. Key loggers on a phone or computer, face book accounts etc...

Make copies of everything (emails, pictures,etc) and keep it in a safe place. Also make a concurrent log of these things.

Do not reveal to her where you get your info.


It is in your interest to know as much as possible about this, take a picture of their cars together at that home.

What are your ages? (sorry if you said already)
Can you join a exercise jym?
It will help you now and you make some acquaintances.
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