[cj9947]

Thank you for your insight. I hope you heal. I think as time goes by you will further appreciate how "good" a man your husband is. The pain he must have endured through all this...I get a pain in my heart when I think of what cheating spouses waste...and for what?

 

[Nunya Biznas]

So...have you given up? Again?

As mentioned by others, you put this man through hell. I mean, you divorced his a$$ for pity's sake! Surely you understood when you decided that you wanted to reconcile that he most likely wouldn't jump at your very first offer. Once bitten twice shy and all that.

A cheating spouse has a lot of trust to regain before the relationship can become secure again. A cheating spouse who refused to change, continued the affair, went through with divorce and only saw the error of her ways after being dumped by her (what turned out to be) fling, needs to be prepared to...? Man, I don't know. But I'm willing to concede that it's possible. And if acheived, who can deny that it would have been worth it?

My very personal and very humble opinion would be to set up your own hoops and light them on fire yourself and then just start jumping through them. If it wins your husband back, fine and well, but do it more because you owe it to him. Whether or not he takes you back you owe it to him and your kids to make a jackass out of yourself trying. But most important, do it for yourself. It may be too little too late, but don't you at least want to be able to say that you tried? I mean an honest, gut wrenching, soul searing attempt. People looking back on this should see your efforts to reconcile as more memorable than what came before. And then you will be able to say, with a tear in your eye but with your head held high, "I'm ashamed of destroying my family but proud of myself for doing all I could to salvage it."

 

[Thoreau]

So now, just weeks after your knight in shining armor dumped your azz, you have seen the light and the error of your ways. Baloney. Enjoy your pathetic life. I wish your husband all the happiness in the world.
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[walkonmars]

If your husband was on this board and got advice here, I would like to see his side of how things developed and his attempts to win you back before finally throwing in the towel.

You have some growing to do - please continue your personal growrh. That's the best thing you can do for yourself.

Don't jump into another relationship until you are ready. And when you do, be sure to do a thorough background check on your man before you get too serious.

 

[WyshIknew]

However Imadeamistake, would you not still be with Jim if he hadn't been unreasonable about your ill son and other issues.

Not only did you destroy your husband with your two affairs, having destroyed him you waited until he had moved on and started to make a new life for himself and then you decided to twist the knife yet again by wanting him to forgive and forget and take you back.

I am not being intentionally mean but I do find it difficult to feel sorry for you. However I do hope that you learn from this and carry it forward into a possible future relationship.

As a little glimmer of hope for you I would ask you to look up two threads by a poster called rookie4. His wife betrayed him, realised she had made a mistake and tried to get back with him. It was too late, he had moved on. Now, a few years later they are well on the way to reconciling.

 

[Ovid]

Well, another helpful step would've been to nuke the affair, but it would appear no effort was made in regards to exposure. If he knew about "the fog", then I'm almost certain he knew about exposure as well, but didn't pull the pin on that grenade for reasons unknown.

Sounds like all he did was try to educate a wayward, and we all know how fruitless that is.

It sounds like he was trying to nice her out of the A.

This post makes me so glad my first reaction to the A was to tell my W I didn't want to see her ever again.

 

[sharkeey]

All along my husband kept telling me it was a fog that he was reading about here on this site and other place. That I didn't love Jim. Honestly I got a bit offended that he was telling me that I didn't know what love is.

The more he came at me to try to fix it, the more I ran away. I can tell you he honestly became a pest at trying to fix this.

See this is why the betrayed spouse needs to kick the cheater to the curb from day one and get on with their lives. Forget about begging, pleading, compromising, transparency, exposure, affair busting, etc.

Once you find out they're cheating, kick them to the freaking curb and go live your own life. Complete 180 and don't look back, at LEAST for a few months.

If they start to show real remorse, then maybe you can reconsider down the line. You always have the option to take them back but chasing them to try to win them over has the opposite effect

Folks, you read it through the eyes of a remorseful cheater, it doesn't get any better than this.

 

[Jeffery]

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/61712-could-you-reconcile.html?highlight=rookie

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/64615-yes-i-can.html?highlight=rookie

Imadeamistake If you are still around, please take the time to read the two threads that i have posted links to. Not sure if it will help but maybe it could give you some hope.

Sorry to say this but your EX did the right thing. giving your self to another man should always be a deal breaker. If you think about it you only started looking at your ex as an option AFTER you were dumped.

The odds are that you will someday do this again to someone else especially if you just settle. Even the most remorseful WW is at about 80% odds to repeat this behavior. You are no different

 

[chillymorn]

sounds like a hit and run from the karma Bus!

 

[bfree]

No bashing from me. Just sadness. This is why we always recommend blowing up the affair in order to break the wayward out of the fog. Had your husband done that maybe things could have turned out differently. But the BS is under no obligation to try to save the WS. Maybe this is for the best.....for him.

 

[The Middleman]

No bashing from me either because it's clear life has bashed you pretty good. Unfortunately, you have to sleep in the bed that you made. Your husband did the right thing for himself by leaving you and not trying to reconcile after multiple DDays. I am happy that you posted your story so that Wives an Husbands alike can see the horror that will result down the road when a person treats a family as disposable.

 

[phillybeffandswiss]

Well, another helpful step would've been to nuke the affair, but it would appear no effort was made in regards to exposure. If he knew about "the fog", then I'm almost certain he knew about exposure as well, but didn't pull the pin on that grenade for reasons unknown.

True. We also know people sat that "we" are wrong and "their" experience will be different. There are many threads where the BS backslides and then wonders why it doesn't work.

Sounds like all he did was try to educate a wayward, and we all know how fruitless that is.

Or she left that part out.

 

[CantSitStill]

I'm glad you wrote this and I hope people thinking about cheating will see this. It is so true that you cannot nice someone out of an affair and to come back to you. I know this because I was kicked out. I am back with my husband but I believe him kicking me out and cutting me off was the best way to wake me up.
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[CantSitStill]

btw I am very lucky to have this chance with him. It's been a year since d-day and I am still fighting for him. Yes we are together but that doesn't mean he's happy. The BS fights so hard to get the WS back and once they get them back then the reality and pain sets in and it doesn't go away.
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[SadSamIAm]

I would really like to hear from the OP in regards to anything her husband could have done to stop her.

If he did the 180 at the start, would she have not left?

My guess is she would have left anyhow. She was in love with the OM. She would have torn his heart out anyhow. She would have ruined the family anyhow.

 

[snap]

The scary part is I can name a handful forum members off top of my head who could be your husband.

We should make it mandatory reading here.

 

[TheGoodFight]

I'm not sure this story is real. For one thing, I think it plays on the emotions of a BS. A story of karma and all that. That said, the story line is typical.

 

[Phenix70]

The only person I feel sorry for is your husband, he suffered for YOU because he wasn't giving you enough attention, you said so yourself.
Instead of putting on your big girl panties & working through whatever issues you thought you had, you went & screwed around with another man.
Not an ounce of sympathy do I feel for you, I hope that you spend the rest of your life regretting the CHOICE you made.
Because you made a CHOICE not a mistake, be clear on that!

 

[Count of Monte Cristo]

Damn, I think my ex found this site and is putting our business in the street for all to see.

But seriously, except for the part about moving in with the OM and a few other discrepancies, this could've been written by my ex.

I look at her and I can see how unhappy she must be to have given up her family. (At least, that's what I see.)

She had a great life and family and gave it all up to live the single life. But the shine on her new life appears to be wearing off.

I knew that I was finally healing when I stopped feeling sorry for myself and actually began to feel sorry for her.

 

[dogman]

The truth is this is the best example of the husband being plan B.

It didn't work out with the OM and she runs back to the fallback guy. He was right to say no because she is unstable and can't guarantee she won't waffle again when life gets into a rut.

Sorry OP, for your pain but there's more pain to come while you do what your husband had to do. Work on yourself to be a hole person without a spouse. Only then can you be a good partner.