Hello all. So I moved out for about 4&1/2 months. Came back because I was nervous about him moving on even though being on my own was peaceful but sad. No matter what has happened, for me separation/divorce is sad/heartbreaking. I came back home after we met up one night when he said he’d realized a lot of things and if we were meant to be we’d be but if he met someone else then that would be meant to be. Prior to us meeting up I thought I wanted to try again. Then he made that comment which I’m sure was a zinger I got frantic and was like,”I’ll move back.” So I think I was on a super high and I don’t know if he was unsure/scared but he was timid like maybe he didn’t believe I was really back🤷🏻♀️. So I hadn’t had sex in a super long time and so when I approached him he was hesitant. In the act of it🤦🏻♀️…he was not totally present and I was wanting to really go at it. Anyway, it ended and we went back to our own thing(separate rooms of the house). So fast forward the high was gone after a few weeks and I was regretting coming back. I knew he still drank just in the shop. I just got turned off again and pretty much just existed again. Fast forward we’ve had some talks and I said I want to be friends no intimacy(a few weeks ago). He said okay but was not understanding and upset. I said I wouldn’t leave the house because ultimately I think that makes him happier considering the situation. Well more things have gone on he has driven me home drunk with our daughter again and when he comes in the room after drinking I just cringe. So this past weekend I said I do not want to be married and he was confused. I told him again his drinking turns me off, he drove drunk with our daughter & pointed out his behavior to the kids and how I don’t agree with it. He asked can’t he have his own opinions and I said absolutely. I’m just not attracted to your behaviors and we have no relationship and I don’t want to be married. I also spoke to him about how I know he can’t understand what I’ve been through but it’s not something I’ll probably ever get over. He actually started to say he kind of understood And was like well we should stay married so I can try to make you happy for some of what I’m responsible for and you should stay because I can help you when you need things, etc. I said no you can’t make me happy. I want you to be happy and be fully loved as you deserve by someone and I’ll always be here if you need anything. He said no I don’t want that, I just think we should live together. Our daughter will move out soon(he just doesn’t care about her the way he should). And we still have to raise our son. I asked him doesn’t it make you sad that I’m telling you I don’t love you like that and that you deserve to be loved and he said no. I told him don’t pass up a chance to meet someone and build a relationship because he can have it all and he said well I don’t need someone to love me like that but yes, I’ll meet people and talk to them. Anyway, that’s what it is right now. I feel like a total weirdo and I know I have trauma and that it’s probably affecting me. He wants to be like those people who don’t sleep together, don’t do anything together but stay married. Super weird but yet here I am not running away. Any thoughts on why he feels this way? One thing I did realize is it took me over a decade of abuse to understand he didn’t love me in a healthy way so maybe it’ll take him time to wrap his head around the fact that I don’t love him even though I spoke the words. He said yeah, maybe it’ll take me longer or I’ll die and never want you to leave. He’s the nicest to me he’s been in Over 20 year maybe. So strange. So sad. I think he sees me as a mom to him too and that’s probably another reason he doesn’t want me to leave and he is actually afraid of things like intruders and noises. Just can’t wrap my head around it. I think I’ll be happier if I leave and get my own place but I think he’ll be really upset. I think about my kids, especially my daughter and can’t understand why I wasn’t woke enough to leave years ago and this would all be better.