You will be seeing a laundry list of things you need to do from others in this forum that have been there, on both sides in fact.

Sorry about the pain you are going through.

 

Every situation is different. Was she cheating with some random guy or some guy she has had a relationship with for a long time (before you)? These things make a difference to me.

Only you know if you can ever trust her again.

Protect yourself. Don't have children with this person for a long time.

 

Separate your money, and kick her out. Get an annulment. Anyone who would not only cheat on you while engaged, bit then go ahead and marry you isnt someone worth bring married to.

Don't be a doormat, kick her to the curb and get the lie of the marriage she tricked you into annullled. Then see a lawyer to find out if you can sue her to get back the money you waste getting married.

Show her their are consequences for lying and cheating.
Posted via Mobile Device

 

Is this actually possible? That would be a very good idea.

 

She was cheating up to and after giving her vows? That isn't a woman you should even try to stay with, her wedding and vows meant nothing to her.
Posted via Mobile Device

 

:iagree: It's very hard, and it's very sad. But if she was cheating before you got married during the engagement, the vows took with you were nothing more than reading a script to her. She never meant it. I'm sorry I have been in the same situation.

 

How did you find out? Did she tell you? Who is the guy? Does he have a girlf/wife?

 

I'm so sorry that you're going through this. I'm going through a very similar thing. I think it's a good sign that she is willing to go to counseling with you. A lot of people here will have helpful advice and anecdotes from their own experiences, which are going to be better than what I have to say. I can just tell you that I know it hurts like hell and it will for a little while. I'd have a better time with handling my situation if my husband wanted to go to counseling instead of just pretending that I'm the bad guy for exposing the affair, rather than he being the bad guy for having one. I have heard from people that it's possible to make a marriage stronger after an affair, but that both people need to be invested in making it work and the guilty party needs to be willing to accept his/her wrongdoing and be willing to do the work of regaining the trust of the spouse who has been hurt by that wrongdoing. Hang in there and keep posting here because people have lots of great advice and support here.

 

The guy was someone she met at work a couple years ago. He doesn't work there anymore.

She said that she wanted to tell me awhile ago, before the wedding. We had a big fight one day and she told me she's confused about us....and then the very next day her mom tried to commit suicide cuz she's been battling depression ever since my wife's husband died...

After that we never really talked about anything too much. She now said that she didn't want to break her mom's heart by ending canceling the wedding and risk her trying to take her life again.

I don't know what to do. She does seem like she wants to make things work. I do believe she's really willing... but who knows. I could just be in denial.

I was always the guy that said I wouldn't hesitate to end things if something like this happens. It's just so complicated now though. And I still have feelings for her.....but I donno, I also don't know if I can see things being the same

 

She said that she wanted to tell me awhile ago, before the wedding.

Too bad she didn't. It would have saved you a lot of money and time.

 

Counseling won't work until she stops seeing the OM.

 

Based on what you wrote, the answer seems simple enough. Divorce/annul the marriage.

But...

Any kids?
Together since college, assume neither been married/engaged before?

 

I found text messages between her and her friend. The guy is married (but separated I think) with 2 kids. She ended it with the other guy yesterday. She claims that she'll never talk to him again and wants to just focus on us.

Neither of us have ever been married or engaged.

 

The guy is married (but separated I think) with 2 kids.

even though OM is separated, the wife still needs to know- for several reasons


1) she could be trying to reconcile with him
2) she may have no idea why he left and is blaming herself
3) she may give you even more pertinent details if she knows already, I know you've basically seen enough to divorce but knowledge is always powerful

 

You need to tell his wife. Immediately.

 

I agree with Shaggy on this one - her vows meant nothing to her, she has been using you in order to be her provider and protector, but not her lover since she has that with someone else. In other words she has no love for you, she will take as much as she can from you while giving as little as possible to string you along. She is toxic and her mom's emotional state has nothing to do with your needs, she likely is using that as well to guilt you into remaining her provider.

 

Okay, she was seeing a married man? And just broke it off yesterday?

Seeing a married man means she does not value marriage much.

And it's too soon for her to say anything meaningful. Whatever she is saying now does not matter much because she's in the "fog". And she'll say anything right now.

 

Reed and heed this advice (copy/pasted from another person's infidelity story, but the rules apply to you as well):

Here's the thing about exposure: NEVER GIVE YOUR SPOUSE OR THE OTHER WOMAN/MAN WARNING THAT YOU ARE ABOUT TO EXPOSE. JUST DO IT!!!

Why?

Because that will give her and the OM time to get their stories straight/corroborate timelines and make YOU out to be the crazy/psycho husband who has trust issues and is going through a hard time in his marriage, therefore he suspects his wife is cheating on him and wants to lash out at everyone. They WILL do this if you keep giving them warnings. Oh and you bet she's told him already "My husband knows...if someone asks we can just say we're friends" and have already started planning and concocting their stupid excuses and lame cover up stories.

Find out who his wife is and exposes immediately:

"OM's Wife,

Your husband, Name, has been having an affair with my Wife's Name since on or about Month/Year. I discovered the affair by way of (fill in the blank). (Copy/paste or verbalize any proof you have). Their affair has been detrimental to my marriage. My wife told me the affair ended however I have proof contradicts that--they are still having an affair and in contact. I am telling you this because you deserve to know the truth. If you were already aware of the affair, then I am sure that this comes as no surprise to you, but if not, I am sorry to have to be the one to inform you. If you want to talk further or need further proof, you may contact me (at....fill in the blank).

Your Name"

THIS IS HOW YOU DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

F them! And no, your wife doesn't sound like he wants to work it out with you if she's still lying to you. So expose her for the liar she is without telling her or OM. And in the interim, tell her "I am aware you are lying to me and still in contact with the OM. You need to leave today because I refuse to live in an open marriage. I refuse to be treated so callously and be lied to and I will not tolerate this nonsense and your betrayals anymore. Get the f*ck out, homes!"

Remove yourself as an option for her. She will not feel any consequences as long as you're covering up the affair and allowing him to stay in the house/carry on as a married man with all the benefits of a committed relationship. She is not committed to your marriage, therefore you do not need to reward her with the same generosity and pat her on the back and feel fearful when she is the one making these d!ck moves. Tell her where to go.

Oh and a word of advice: NO marriage counselling as long as she's having an affair. MC does nothing as long as one partner is still lying/having an affair.

 

Her story doesn't check out. If she wanted to be a good wife, and she didnt want to upset her mother, she could have stopped cheating. She certainly could have stopped it because she was getting married.

She didn't. All she did was continue to play you.

Kick her out, AND find the guys wife and tell her about her cheating husband.

Don't let her crocodile tears cloudyour judgment. A good person would not do what she has done. I bet she would have even gotten pregnant by the other guy and had you raise the kid.

Please listen to people here, and don't give into fear or other emotional games. The woman who married you is a liar and a cheat. Get her out of your life today.
Posted via Mobile Device

 

Oh and ultimately the decision is yours what to do here but if you've only been married 3 months and she's been cheating on you nearly 2 years, me personally--I would get an annullment. This is way too much drama for only 90 days of marriage.

Still, you need to let the OM's wife know.

 

Oh, and she's lying about never tslking to him again. She will just fund a way that you don't know about. Expose both of them and make the affair as hard for them as possible.
Posted via Mobile Device

 

I think I agree with this. If she has been carrying on with this person for 1.5 years and doing so both before and during your marriage, I doubt she will actually just stop talking to him. I am guessing she will just be more secretive.

 

Continuing with the marriage will bring you a lifetime of pain.

She lacks integrity, faithfulness and trustworthiness.

You'll never know if you will be the biological father of any of your children.

You'll never know when she goes out if she's seeing someone else.

You'll never know when you may get a STD.

You'll never know when she's telling the truth.


Maybe someday she'll develop a higher standard? Maybe not?

 

Get the anullment, then let her work towards fixing your relationship. If you do decide to get back together, have her sign a pre-nup.

Protect yourself at this point and work on yourself, then look at the situation to see if you still want to be with her. You're still young and if she's not the one, you still have time.

 

Sorry OP, your marriage was over before it ever began. SOME, and i do mean some of us can get over an affair, especially if it was just once, and just basically sex.

But i think the majority of us draws the line forever when its an ongoing affair. Because usually its both an Emotional and Physical Affair. You just can't flip the switch to "off" when its been going on for so long. Trust me, you never knew this woman. No matter who she was when you met her, her saying yes to your engagement proposal, and her holding your hands up the alter. She wasn't the woman you thought she was. I could never look her in the face again. The damage is done, and even if you could forgive her, you could never forget the image of somebody on top of her for the last year and a half when she should of been only loving you. You deserve better, and she doesn't deserve and resemblence of happyness.

 

How long before you can get an anullment because our actual court marriage was in May. Three months ago is when we did it with the family and when we actually moved in together

 

How long before you can get an anullment because our actual court marriage was in May.

It varies from place to place. Google what your state laws are re: annullment (if you're in the U.S.). An attorney and your local court can also give you this info.

Oh and it goes without saying but: get tested for STDs.

 

You need to talk with a lawyer ASAP. Your options vary from place to place.
Posted via Mobile Device

 

Even if she is remorseful and never cheats again, will you be able to get past that little voice in your head saying that she did this once, she may do it again?

Sounds like she married you because she thought that you would be a stabilizing force in her life, and that getting married would make all of her personal demons go away.

 

beenbetrayed, I divorced my ex-wife after I saw a video of her and the OM engaging in sex. She had been cheating on me for over a year, just like your wife. Did I love my wife? You bet and divorcing her was one of the most painful experiences of my life. But you know what? Love without trust is not enough for a viable marriage. As one of the posters already stated, a one night stand can be more easily overcomed but a long term affair like your wife's and my ex-wife's is simply too addicting for them to just simply end it - as many of us here have already found out first hand.

Whatever you decide, keep in mind that personal recovery for a betrayed spouse can take anywhere from 2 to 5 years to be achieved. The dreaded emotional roller coaster can be draining. And your wife will have to do the heavy lifting to regain your trust. The chances of your marriage surviving even under the best of circumstances is approximately 35%. So think this carefuly before you jump in to marital reconciliation.

 

You're only three months into being married...this is no good.
Posted via Mobile Device