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Because when us co-dependents start out again...it's easy to forget...
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I'm going to print this out and put it where I will see it. I like a lot of those.
One of my favorites:
If someone wants to be a part of your life, they’ll make an effort to be in it. So don’t bother reserving a space in your heart for someone who doesn’t make an effort to stay.
One of my favorites:
If someone wants to be a part of your life, they’ll make an effort to be in it. So don’t bother reserving a space in your heart for someone who doesn’t make an effort to stay.
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Thanks for this
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Geez, my new boyfriend can really be a pain in the neck sometimes and disappointing on some counts but whenever I set boundaries to protect my codependent self he passes with flying colors by respecting them. He said, he likes it that I don't let him get away with sh*t. I kind of like it that I know when I'm troubled by something.
In my marriage, which was abusive, when I was troubled by something and brought it up (like cheating or not respecting our agreement on birth control...) I was treated to many different reasons as to why I should not be troubled by something and was 'crazy'.
It's so refreshing to hear that I'm being heard and that he is in agreement with my feelings (or not, and why, and the explanation of where I erred in perception.) I do notice when he falls short, and I care enough to ask him to make an effort to go the distance.
The verdict is still out, of course, but this is very different than what I'm used to. The 'horrible' thing is, that I've come to realize, is that due to finishing therapy, my mind and spirit and body are now 'set' so that I cannot tolerate being codependent.
It seems that any time I lose track of what I'm supposed to be doing for myself, I feel like crap, and the feeling doesn't lift until I start doing for myself. Usually this cycle is about 3 days long for some reason, which is a heck of a lot shorter than it used to be (months or years even).
I *almost* miss the days when I could feel better about myself by taking care of loser narcissists. But, not quite. The feeling of knowing I have taken care of myself is so much nicer, I feel more pleasant and fulfilled no matter how anyone is treating me (even my kids!) and less 'angry' inside.
Next week I have a school break of a few days and am planning a 'me' day. I used to feel like a loser when I only had myself to spend a day with, or that people who could spend a day on their own were pathetic and delusional and strange. It's so odd to realize that it's normal. I mean, when I was a kid I never had any problem going off for the day and doing whatever pleased me (and because my mother was neglectful, I often did!)
In my marriage, which was abusive, when I was troubled by something and brought it up (like cheating or not respecting our agreement on birth control...) I was treated to many different reasons as to why I should not be troubled by something and was 'crazy'.
It's so refreshing to hear that I'm being heard and that he is in agreement with my feelings (or not, and why, and the explanation of where I erred in perception.) I do notice when he falls short, and I care enough to ask him to make an effort to go the distance.
The verdict is still out, of course, but this is very different than what I'm used to. The 'horrible' thing is, that I've come to realize, is that due to finishing therapy, my mind and spirit and body are now 'set' so that I cannot tolerate being codependent.
It seems that any time I lose track of what I'm supposed to be doing for myself, I feel like crap, and the feeling doesn't lift until I start doing for myself. Usually this cycle is about 3 days long for some reason, which is a heck of a lot shorter than it used to be (months or years even).
I *almost* miss the days when I could feel better about myself by taking care of loser narcissists. But, not quite. The feeling of knowing I have taken care of myself is so much nicer, I feel more pleasant and fulfilled no matter how anyone is treating me (even my kids!) and less 'angry' inside.
Next week I have a school break of a few days and am planning a 'me' day. I used to feel like a loser when I only had myself to spend a day with, or that people who could spend a day on their own were pathetic and delusional and strange. It's so odd to realize that it's normal. I mean, when I was a kid I never had any problem going off for the day and doing whatever pleased me (and because my mother was neglectful, I often did!)
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what a great post, homemaker. i look forward to that someday, too.
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It's definitely something to remember as we pursue our single lives... I hold places in my schedule/heart for people but damn it.... it's me time!
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I'm starting to feel 'not right' when I 'don't write'...I'm an English major...comparative lit and creative writing. I have about another year and a half to make the most of my opportunity to transport myself into a second career as a writer. (I'm keeping up my computer/database/statistical programming/research work on the side...it's a rare writer that has a trade with which to support herself...kind of like having a patron of the arts you can REALLY count on.) But my guys (adult son and boyfriend) cheer me on, and that's great. I'm taking Shakespeare and it's taught by a team...really tough...and I got an A on my first essay. I had to work incredibly hard on it, really get my ideas in focus and advocate for them in writing supporting them, defending the thesis, etc. Took an exam today in that same class, and I actually ENJOYED it. I lost myself in the writing and looked up and saw a stinkbug on the edge of my table...near my coffee carafe...when I looked up again it was the end of my exam, done with my writing, drank the cold coffee I'd poured and forgotten about, organized my stuff, numbered my pages (14 handwritten!), had a cup of hot coffee to un-stiffen my hands and then went to the town library to pick up my kids who went there after school to wait for me. I picked up a paper on Willa Cather I'd written last week...8 pages in one sitting/flow of thought after thinking about it for over a week...got an A+/best ever received on Cather from the instructor (taking independent study), who is also my advisor. I'm beginning to think I might make it as an English major even after graduation....my EX remarked on my application essay that it was 'chatty'. My boyfriend asked to read my Shakepeare essay (I made ******* out to be a mensch, lol.)
Anyway, the un-codependent life is starting to suit me, the problem is once finished with therapy for that and 'cured' there is no going back...which also means you can't lose yourself in a relationship....so you have to deal with yourself, and myself needs to read, write and go to the movies and thankfully also cook and program/work.
Anyway, the un-codependent life is starting to suit me, the problem is once finished with therapy for that and 'cured' there is no going back...which also means you can't lose yourself in a relationship....so you have to deal with yourself, and myself needs to read, write and go to the movies and thankfully also cook and program/work.
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You are my inspiration, Homemaker!
I can legally file for divorce in November.
I have looked for counselors/therapists and had a friends who's a practicing psychologist look at their self-posted info on their websites (sans names) and give her opinion on their qualifications.
Will be starting counseling SOON. I want to get over my co-dependence and YOU HAVE GIVEN ME HOPE that it IS an achievable goal!
I am happy now, but I want to quit being angry (mostly at myself for poor past choices) and I want to quit fearing that I will continue to make poor choices in the future.
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR POSTING! I am REALLY feeling better about my future!
I can legally file for divorce in November.
I have looked for counselors/therapists and had a friends who's a practicing psychologist look at their self-posted info on their websites (sans names) and give her opinion on their qualifications.
Will be starting counseling SOON. I want to get over my co-dependence and YOU HAVE GIVEN ME HOPE that it IS an achievable goal!
I am happy now, but I want to quit being angry (mostly at myself for poor past choices) and I want to quit fearing that I will continue to make poor choices in the future.
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR POSTING! I am REALLY feeling better about my future!
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I really liked reading your post NumeroUno.
Coming out of a relationship with a co-dependent myself so I have considerable interest in the topic. Glad you mentioned boundaries. Even if they are small ones, keeping them, and making them well and clearly established, I think is a very good tool.
Although my counselor says I was not co-dependent, I was bad at keeping boundaries which only enabled my spouse's co-dependence even more.
Coming out of a relationship with a co-dependent myself so I have considerable interest in the topic. Glad you mentioned boundaries. Even if they are small ones, keeping them, and making them well and clearly established, I think is a very good tool.
Although my counselor says I was not co-dependent, I was bad at keeping boundaries which only enabled my spouse's co-dependence even more.
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It's good to know there are others who go through the same feelings.
Sooooo, I ended up coming home in the middle of the night.
It turns out my boyfriend stopped being attracted to me and decided he didn't love me but decided NOT TO TELL ME because he 'liked my company' and 'didn't want to hurt my feelings.'
He wanted to be friends!
But I lost all respect for him.
Who uses someone that way?
I was disgusted.
I got home not 1/2 hour later and he was on Match and had already de-friended me.
He's a bit of a narcissist so I suspect will go through the cycle again. He also struggles with depression and I think he might be addicted to weed.
I can do better.
Reminding myself that dating is a process.
I really do want a relationship and a family life.
So will keep trying.
Glad I was able to get the truth out of him, did not lose my cool.
I actually enjoyed the slow drive home under a nearly full moon, at 2 a.m. It reminded me that the universe is a lovely place and my little piece of it doesn't have to include such drama. It's a choice.
Sooooo, I ended up coming home in the middle of the night.
It turns out my boyfriend stopped being attracted to me and decided he didn't love me but decided NOT TO TELL ME because he 'liked my company' and 'didn't want to hurt my feelings.'
He wanted to be friends!
But I lost all respect for him.
Who uses someone that way?
I was disgusted.
I got home not 1/2 hour later and he was on Match and had already de-friended me.
He's a bit of a narcissist so I suspect will go through the cycle again. He also struggles with depression and I think he might be addicted to weed.
I can do better.
Reminding myself that dating is a process.
I really do want a relationship and a family life.
So will keep trying.
Glad I was able to get the truth out of him, did not lose my cool.
I actually enjoyed the slow drive home under a nearly full moon, at 2 a.m. It reminded me that the universe is a lovely place and my little piece of it doesn't have to include such drama. It's a choice.
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Wow, HNU, you are handling that with such grace. That's where I want to be someday. Sorry that it turned out that way, though. Well -- actually, I guess considering how he is, it turned out the best for you after all.
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Thanks. I felt better as soon as I left. Some things just feel wrong, and are wrong. He's a bit more f*cked up than I'd really care to talk about. I ought to have ended it before, but was entertaining some small delusions. The bottom line is that it really does matter how you spend your time. If you don't really feel for someone, do the right thing, and let that person have their life to themselves...and spend your time alone and suck it up already!
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Sedatives are wonderful things.
Properly used at appropriate times.
I have no shame about that.
The people who gave them to me really care about me, and they would be thrilled to know how much good they did me in keeping my cool and staying completely rational and civil.
I'm lucky I still have my guy friends who think the world of me, and my adult son who was sympathetic without getting too involved.
So my self-esteem doesn't have to take too big of a hit.
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I was looking at the news and thinking...any time there has been a major change in my life, where I've been wronged...the wind starts blowing. It's never failed...and this time, there's a hurricane coming through. I feel like Mother Nature is in tune with me. I feel bad about all the storm damage of course, but there is nothing like a strong wind blowing to herald necessary changes.
I went to the recycling center today and left off a bunch of stuff...have been decluttering my apartment in preparation for being able to live in a yurt or one of those tiny houses one day...and visualized myself leaving off the ex boyfriend as well.
I went to the recycling center today and left off a bunch of stuff...have been decluttering my apartment in preparation for being able to live in a yurt or one of those tiny houses one day...and visualized myself leaving off the ex boyfriend as well.
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Reminding myself of the difference between ending an unhealthy relationship because it was unhealthy, and 'breaking up with someone'. Separate...separate...separate...backing away from danger and disgust is very different from foregoing something that looks attractive. Narcissists should come with a warning label from the n.i.m.h. Life would be so much easier!
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Amen!
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A dance friend of mine who similarly lost a love (her fiance died of cancer) and connected to me when my boyfriend had a brain hemorrhage, is setting me up with a nice guy she knows who dances. I was remembering dancing with my friend who had the brain hemorrhage last evening, made me cry. Dealing with the harsh and sad realities of life really stink. I somehow thought that if this guy loved me and I was open to being loved, that it would happen. He only 'gave' until I was hooked into giving back, and then he stopped giving. Typical narcissist. UN-hooking. It sucks to know he will just move on and appear cute and attractive to the next victim...why do I envy that woman when I know how it will end, and maybe not even as nicely for her? lol.
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