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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
So our money problems have finally gotten so extreme, I have realized I need to file for bankruptcy. I told my husband this a few weeks ago and he made very immature comments. He threatened to go sweep floors overnights at Walmart (in addition to his executive style day job). He won't even SHOP in a Walmart let alone go sweep the floors in one. So it was a childish threat.

So here I am filing bankruptcy. Alone. I've suggested we get on the same page with the finances, but he hasn't tried to sit down with me at all. Then, I've gone to 2 bankruptcy meetings and he seems to care less. After I told him I felt alone and ignored after the first one... He made sure he called after the second one to ask how I was doing. I didn't answer right away and after we finally talked, he implied that he was nervous that I didn't pick up because he was "worried I did something bad to myself". I was SO angry that he would EVER suggest I would harm myself. I'm a mom and a Christian. And I recently started therapy again and he KNOWS I'm not going to commit suicide.

Am I wrong for being livid about this? He couldn't even care enough to come to the meeting but then suggests I'm going to take my life if I don't pick up right away?

How might you deal with this? I am the bread winner btw.
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You have to do what you have to do and if you have to do it alone, forge ahead. It doesn't sound like he's anywhere near on the same page as you.
 

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But he says THIS is him being supportive! He called! He worried!

In the meantime... I'm still angry and alone. Would you remain married to this kind of spouse? I mean the other side of it is that I'm so warped and used to doing things alone... What SHOULD I expect?


Nope. Be livid.

Is it going to fix anything with your husband? Nope. He's who he is.
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But he says THIS is him being supportive! He called! He worried!

In the meantime... I'm still angry and alone. Would you remain married to this kind of spouse? I mean the other side of it is that I'm so warped and used to doing things alone... What SHOULD I expect?



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Your husband sounds very aloof and insensitive. Would I stay married to that? NO. It's not a partnership. He's more like a dependant not an equal.

Keep your expecations low if you stay. He's not a step up to the plate guy. That is and always has been YOUR job.
 

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Discussion Starter #7
I'm in counseling for this marriage problem and problems with my own self esteem. I have followed far too long and I'm trying to become a leader. My husband obviously doesn't like confrontation so I have spent a lot of time trying to bury my feelings and opinions. And it's left us bankrupt. It's as if everything is MY problem. I have to figure everything out. And we also have problems with sex. It's been awhile now.. But he tends to be very selfish there too.

But we have a 6 year old. I hate to disrupt his life. But my husband just doesn't get it. It's our anniversary this weekend. And he knows I am filing for bankruptcy. But I found out he booked a sitter for an overnight at a pricey resort. He just doesn't GET it!


questionme,

What are you in counciling for now and what was it before?
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But we have a 6 year old. I hate to disrupt his life. But my husband just doesn't get it. It's our anniversary this weekend. And he knows I am filing for bankruptcy. But I found out he booked a sitter for an overnight at a pricey resort. He just doesn't GET it!
Does he or any of his relatives have bipolar disorder? Is he on any prescription or illegal drugs?

Mania:
To be classed as a manic episode, while the disturbed mood is present at least three (or four if only irritability is present) of the following must have been consistently prominent: grand or extravagant style, or expanded self-esteem; reduced need of sleep (e.g. three hours may be sufficient); talks more often and feels the urge to talk longer; ideas flit through the mind in quick succession, or thoughts race and preoccupy the person; over indulgence in enjoyable behaviors with high risk of a negative outcome (e.g., extravagant shopping, sexual adventures or improbable commercial schemes).[11]

The World Health Organization's classification system defines a manic episode as one where mood is higher than the person's situation warrants and may vary from relaxed high spirits to barely controllable exuberance, accompanied by hyperactivity, a compulsion to speak, a reduced sleep requirement, difficulty sustaining attention and, often, increased distractability. Frequently, confidence and self-esteem are excessively enlarged, and grand, extravagant ideas are expressed. Behavior that is out of character and risky, foolish or inappropriate may result from a loss of normal social restraint.[12]

Some people also have physical symptoms, such as sweating, pacing, and weight loss. In full-blown mania, often the manic person will feel as though his or her goal(s) trump all else, that there are no consequences or that negative consequences would be minimal, and that they need not exercise restraint in the pursuit of what they are after.[13]

A very simple indicator of mania would be if a noticeably clinically depressed person becomes suddenly and inordinately energetic, cheerful, aggressive, or "happy". Other often-less-obvious elements of mania include delusions (of grandeur, potential, persecution or otherwise), hypersensitivity, hypervigilance, hypersexuality, hyper-religiosity, hyperactivity, impulsiveness, talkativeness, an internal pressure to keep talking (over-explanation) or rapid speech, grandiose ideas and plans, and decreased need for sleep (e.g. feeling rested after 3 or 4 hours of sleep). The afflicted person's eyes may look, as well as feel abnormally "wide" or "open", rarely blinking; this sometimes contributes to clinicians' misconception that a manic patient is under the influence of a stimulant drug when the patient is either not on any mind-altering substances, or is in fact under the influence of a depressant drug in a misguided effort to stave off destructive and unwanted manic impulses. In manic and hypomanic cases, the afflicted person may engage in out-of-character behavior, such as questionable business transactions, wasteful expenditures of money, risky sexual activity, recreational drug abuse, abnormal social interaction, or highly vocal arguments uncharacteristic of previous behaviors. These behaviors may increase stress in personal relationships, lead to problems at work and increase the risk of altercations with law enforcement.
 

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Discussion Starter #11
But insinuating that I would harm myself is just infuriating considering he never even bothered to pick up the phone or attend the first meeting with me. I feel like he's playing head games with me!





I don't think he has a mental illness. He's just a very self centered individual.
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But insinuating that I would harm myself is just infuriating considering he never even bothered to pick up the phone or attend the first meeting with me. I feel like he's playing head games with me!






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He may think because you're going to counseling you're considering suicide. Some people only equate therapy with being depressed and in that state of mind. Maybe his mind isn't open enough to consider the true reason you're going and this is what he came up with.
 

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Discussion Starter #13
No. I've been going to therapy for years on and off and I told him it was because of marital issues and asked him to come too. He hasn't ... Yet.

He may think because you're going to counseling you're considering suicide. Some people only equate therapy with being depressed and in that state of mind. Maybe his mind isn't open enough to consider the true reason you're going and this is what he came up with.
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Sorry you are having to go through all of this alone. I'm having to also. My estranged husband blew all of our money on women, wine, travel, and only God knows what else. We have been separated 4 1/2 years. I tried to get him to file for bankruptcy as a couple to save some of the assets nearly two years ago. He showed up to a couple of the meetings (attorney/client). That's about it. He never would turn in his portion of the paperwork. Needless to say, the bankruptcy attorney dismissed us.

After everything became unbearable, I filed for bankruptcy as an individual. And I did all of it without an attorney. Now my estranged husband thinks I should help him file (so he won't have to get an attorney).:scratchhead:

So we file for bankruptcy.... there's still a very big problem. Our spouses have a spending problem and live in denial. What are you going to do once your bankruptcy is discharged? Won't you be right back there? I know I won't because our finances are completely separate. What steps will you take? I honestly don't think you've gotten angry enough yet!
 

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Discussion Starter #15
Sorry to hear about your issues 827Aug. Yikes. I feel for you! Are you both still living together?

Yes you are right. Not much will change and I'm probably not nearly mad enough. It's his 40th bday this weekend and I'm currently planning a day for him. What is wrong with me?

Sorry you are having to go through all of this alone. I'm having to also. My estranged husband blew all of our money on women, wine, travel, and only God knows what else. We have been separated 4 1/2 years. I tried to get him to file for bankruptcy as a couple to save some of the assets nearly two years ago. He showed up to a couple of the meetings (attorney/client). That's about it. He never would turn in his portion of the paperwork. Needless to say, the bankruptcy attorney dismissed us.

After everything became unbearable, I filed for bankruptcy as an individual. And I did all of it without an attorney. Now my estranged husband thinks I should help him file (so he won't have to get an attorney).:scratchhead:

So we file for bankruptcy.... there's still a very big problem. Our spouses have a spending problem and live in denial. What are you going to do once your bankruptcy is discharged? Won't you be right back there? I know I won't because our finances are completely separate. What steps will you take? I honestly don't think you've gotten angry enough yet!
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I don't know anything about your marriage, so I'm throwing this out there. Does he feel you got yourself into bad financial shape by overspending or underearning?
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Discussion Starter #17
No. I'm the breadwinner. He hasn't helped cut back when I've asked. So... No. This one should be more about him helping and apologizing.


I don't know anything about your marriage, so I'm throwing this out there. Does he feel you got yourself into bad financial shape by overspending or underearning?
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If you are the breadwinner, where/how does he get money? If he has access to the bank account, get one in your name only. If he has credit cards, take them away - your name only.

Obviously he is not going to help, so you have to restrict his ability to hurt (financially). Whether you want to be or not, you are in charge. This may sound harsh, but I'll just put it out there. You said he won't help cut back on things/expenses. Well it sounds like he is one big expense. What does he bring to the table/family/relationship?
 

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Discussion Starter #19
Well we did stop the excessive spending but the damage was already done. And I had to take a paycut and it is just all catching up with us. It's hard because I make a good living but I can't even buy myself something nice at the store because I'm trying to pay for the damage of the past.

After the bankruptcy, and after the bills are gone... I feel like our lifestyle is still extravagant. I suggested moving... Giving up my car in the bankruptcy and using cash to buy an older one. He disagreed with all of that saying I will be making our son move too much. He's 6 and just started first grade and he has moved a lot. But I just want to be stable down the road. I want to stop the vicious cycle. I understand where he's coming from... But I am looking at the big picture. No longer seeing things month to month. He's almost 40. We have about 40k combined for retirement. That's it. We can't keep living like this ... In my opinion.

If you are the breadwinner, where/how does he get money? If he has access to the bank account, get one in your name only. If he has credit cards, take them away - your name only.

Obviously he is not going to help, so you have to restrict his ability to hurt (financially). Whether you want to be or not, you are in charge. This may sound harsh, but I'll just put it out there. You said he won't help cut back on things/expenses. Well it sounds like he is one big expense. What does he bring to the table/family/relationship?
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It sounds like you are pretty level headed. Though I haven't been there myself, I know bankruptcy is tough, and often times demoralizing. You made suggestions about ways to cut back, but he disagreed. So what alternatives did he suggest? If he can't come up with reasonable ways to cut back and get back on top, you already know you can't continue as is. So what's left?

Maybe let him take that night job at walmart. I'm only half joking.
 
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