[Katiebird]

What do you make of this . . . and am I making too much of it? I am going to have surgery that will restrict what I can do for much of the summer. DH & I planned two weekend trips - the second of which I cannot do now because of the surgery. I have told him that he should go ahead and go on that one - I will have some help and that is fine.

We have some friends takng care of our house while we are gone for the first trip but last night, he started saying that he didn't trust them to do a good job and on and on. I asked him if he wanted me to stay home and take care of things while he went. All he said was I just don't trust them to take care of things - and acted like he was getting mad. I said I would stay home but that I probably would not get to go on another outing like this for the rest of the summer. He said nothing. Then, after a bit, I looked around and he had gone to bed without saying anything more.

I have written before about his passive aggressive tendencies but I am kind of baffled by this. Since he leaves for work a little earlier than I, I left him a note asking what I had done to make him mad. The note was gone this morning . . . but no word from him. :scratchhead: Not sure what to think or what to do.

 

[torani]

Sounds like you just need to find someone else to watch the house while you are gone.

Perhaps he is just upset about that and not upset with you at all. Doesn't sound like he said he was upset with you, is there a reason you think he is?

Don't stay home. Go on your trip with him and find another person to watch the house, easy fix. You wont get another chance to go and if your like me, you need a break or trip to.

Just talk when he gets home. Try not to imply that he is mad at you until you know for sure. You haven't done anything for him to be mad at have you? Some guys just need space to cool down about other things unrelated to their partner. Mine does, its taken a while to figure out that him getting upset doesn't mean he is upset with me. If you haven't done anything to make him mad then try not to imply to him that he is, wait for him to tell you so.

 

[turnera]

It sounds like you have a habit of kissing up to him when he displays his P/A bullchit. The first thing I advise is to stop doing THAT.

My H has a habit of making faces when he's 'displeased.' For 30 years, I'd cower in fear over them, gush apologies, whatever; it would tear me in knots, and he'd always get his way. Last week, my DD22, who just graduated with a psychology degree, told me that his 'faces' don't always add up to actions and that we both need to stop reacting to his 'faces' and just ignore them. Remove that power over us. Then, if he wants something from us, he can damn well say so out loud. Force him to start finding a healthier way to accomplish what he wants, like talking like a grownup.

Maybe you should try to do the same. He made a statement but offered no solutions. For now, your plan is the same. If he wants to change the plan, let him. But YOU have been given no out-loud (read: non-passive aggressive) instructions for doing so. Make him grow up.

 

[Katiebird]

The person watching the house is immediate family member with no issues in the past. The fact that he went to bed without saying anything only happens when he is mad. Not sure what I did to trigger it. I did volunteer to stay home - it is like nothing I could have said would have made any difference.
Posted via Mobile Device

 

[turnera]

Then stop saying anything until he presents an alternative.

What he did was P/A Behavior 101 and intended to do exactly what it did - put you on edge, in fear of him being upset, and ready to do whatever he wants, to stop it. It gave him control over you.

Best thing for you to do now is to ignore he ever said it.

 

[Katiebird]

So if he continues the silent treatment - just do nothing?

 

[Advocado]

You should not have to walk on eggshells coz as a grown man he should be perfectly capable of voicing his issues, and in a respectful manner, if he has any.

Meanwhile, just go about your normal activities with a smile and don't allow yourself to allow him to get you down.

The link below my signature could well help you in dealing with PA.

 

[turnera]

So if he continues the silent treatment - just do nothing?

Of course do nothing.

If he wants to act like a baby, that is HIS choice.

When he's ready to stop extorting you, you'll be ready to talk.

Katie, you are not going to change him.

You have to change YOU. Stop enabling his behavior.

 

[Katiebird]

Ok - let me be a little more honest here while I give you an update. First he came to me last night and said he could not imagine why I thought he was mad . . . ok. I told him what I thought and he said "well I was just tired." Ok. I will give him that - but I really do think he was irritated and this is why and where I need to be a little more honest about the situation. This is a second marriage and the person watching the house is my son - who is in his late 20's with a good job and lovely girlfriend. Both would be staying at the house. They are not the party types - so no worries there. Nothing in the past would lead him to believe that he would not follow through on what he said.

Today he asked me if I was going to get ready to go. I mentioned that I was not sure if I should, given his concern. Somehow he has managed to turn it around and said "Well if YOU feel YOU can trust him . . ." I simply said that we would talk about it tonight. I mentioned it to my son - and now he is hurt that his stepdad would say that. I feel like this is a no win situation right now.

 

[turnera]

Today he asked me if I was going to get ready to go. I mentioned that I was not sure if I should, given his concern. Somehow he has managed to turn it around and said "Well if YOU feel YOU can trust him . . ." I simply said that we would talk about it tonight. I mentioned it to my son - and now he is hurt that his stepdad would say that. I feel like this is a no win situation right now.

*sigh*

Katie, you really need to educate yourself on how to deal with passive aggressive behavior. There are dozens, hundreds of books on the subject. A therapist would help you, too. The more you know, the harder it will be for him to suck you in and make you the bad guy.

What you SHOULD have said is "Great! I DO trust him! That's settled then! I'll go get ready!" This turns it right back at HIM, leaving nowhere for him to go with it. That's how you deal with P/A behavior.

And for heaven's sake, stop telling anyone else, least of all your son, the P/A things that man says, ok?

 

[turnera]

to get ready to go. I mentioned that I was not sure if I should, given his concern. Somehow he has managed to turn it around

btw, this was YOU setting it up for him.

We TOLD you to ignore it, but then YOU brought it up. Why? YOU had no concerns about going other than offending your husband. But HE asked if you were ready to go, so obviously HE wasn't going to bring it up. YOU did.

Stop with the 'I'm not sure' talk, ok? That is exactly how P/A people get their openings.

 

[Katiebird]

You are right. . . .

The reason for talking to my son was that I am tired of covering for his P/A behavior and making excuses. In this case a mistake . . . for a number of reasons.

So, the plan is to TELL him that we are BOTH going and son will do a fantastic job of taking care of things and that I don't want to hear him mention it while we are gone. PERIOD.

This whole thing just p!$$3$ me off.

 

[turnera]

And if he DOES bring it up, now that you have told him he is not to mention it, you will silently get up from whereever you two are, and leave the room. He'll know why.

 

[turnera]

You are right. . . .

The reason for talking to my son was that I am tired of covering for his P/A behavior and making excuses.

I used to do that for my H with our DD. Until I realized I was teaching HER to be a victim just like me. Now we've spoken about how messed up her dad is many times and, when it happens, she and I just look at each other and walk away or ignore him.

 

[diwali123]

I agree with all the other posters. Refuse to play his game.

 

[Advocado]

I can well understand you being Pi$$ed off. However, do be aware that controlling your emotions is just what a passive aggressive person is aiming for.

So, please don't give him the satisfaction, or he'll do it all the more.