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Discussion Starter #121
Reading some of these stories makes me think there is a lot of work going into these marriages with very little payoff. Mostly, stale and leftover crumbs that hit the floor weeks ago and even the dog passed up on them.
Thats what lead me to my Success Story post in another thread. I wonder how many of these situations "really" get turned around? And for long term not just 30 days or so.
 

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Thats what lead me to my Success Story post in another thread. I wonder how many of these situations "really" get turned around? And for long term not just 30 days or so.
It comes down to ROI. For me, and this was a tough and expensive lesson to learn, time and effort is always better spent on a new relationship than trying to rehab and old one.
 

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Discussion Starter #123
It comes down to ROI. For me, and this was a tough and expensive lesson to learn, time and effort is always better spent on a new relationship than trying to rehab and old one.
Good point. The one thing I have learned is I would never get married again. I believe people put more into a relationship when just dating in an effort to retain the partner. Once married, they don't care as much. At least in my experience of two marriages. Plus if you are not married, its easier to end it.
 

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NO...because THEY TOLD ME NOT TO...so I didn't, in order to please them. Neither of them ever complained that I didn't initiate. My STBX didn't really even want to have sex with me at all, so that's why he didn't like me initiating.

I wonder, has your wife ever worn something skimpy and given you "an invitation to be sexual", and you haven't responded sexually to her, and haven't pursued her for sex? Or has she never done that.
That's all I have ever wanted is to have a woman that initiates sex with me. Once or twice in nearly 46 years of marriage has not been nearly enough.

I'm looking to find a woman that initiates as much as I do. 50% plus 50% adds up to 100%. Showing desire goes both ways.
 

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NO...because THEY TOLD ME NOT TO...so I didn't, in order to please them. Neither of them ever complained that I didn't initiate. My STBX didn't really even want to have sex with me at all, so that's why he didn't like me initiating.

I wonder, has your wife ever worn something skimpy and given you "an invitation to be sexual", and you haven't responded sexually to her, and haven't pursued her for sex? Or has she never done that.
She has done it a few times when I ask her to. After asking for the thousandth time, I finally just gave up asking. For several years, I have been focusing on what she likes and not what I like.
 

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Good point. The one thing I have learned is I would never get married again. I believe people put more into a relationship when just dating in an effort to retain the partner. Once married, they don't care as much. At least in my experience of two marriages. Plus if you are not married, its easier to end it.
You get a woman’s best early on in a relationship. Her best dress, weight, sex, honesty and fidelity. As time goes on, you’ll see her best slack off. Same probably goes for a man as well. Solution, don’t get attached.
 

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Position has nothing to do with bad sex. Down by the river has adequately illustrated that bad sex is defined by attitude.
I think that even no sex can be improved by the right attitude.
 

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You get a woman’s best early on in a relationship. Her best dress, weight, sex, honesty and fidelity. As time goes on, you’ll see her best slack off. Same probably goes for a man as well. Solution, don’t get attached.
I want you to know that I was the complete OPPOSITE of how you are describing women in LTRs (your last few posts, BTW!)...I KNOW I can't be the only woman/person like me, I bet there are many who's interest and love and care GROW the longer they are with someone!!

Good point. The one thing I have learned is I would never get married again. I believe people put more into a relationship when just dating in an effort to retain the partner. Once married, they don't care as much. At least in my experience of two marriages. Plus if you are not married, its easier to end it.
THAT goes for YOU too!
 

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Discussion Starter #130
I want you to know that I was the complete OPPOSITE of how you are describing women in LTRs (your last few posts, BTW!)...I KNOW I can't be the only woman/person like me, I bet there are many who's interest and love and care GROW the longer they are with someone!!


THAT goes for YOU too!
Thats good. Unfortunately my only experience was with my ex and current wife and several years into the marriage, each has lost interest in trying to continue to make things better...and not just in the bedroom but with our finances and other matters. Both stopped working. Both lost interest in their appearance. Seems each lost interest in anything as time has gone by.
 

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I want you to know that I was the complete OPPOSITE of how you are describing women in LTRs (your last few posts, BTW!)...I KNOW I can't be the only woman/person like me, I bet there are many who's interest and love and care GROW the longer they are with someone!!
Sure love can grow. If often does. It’s just seldom messaged in the way the other partner wants to receive it. Without getting trapped into any generalizations, a woman might receive “love” as cuddling, holding hands, receiving flowers, etc. A man might want to receive “love” by initiating sex, being present during sex, wearing sexing clothes for him, etc. Seldom do these roads intersect as the relationship goes on.
 

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Sure love can grow. If often does. It’s just seldom messaged in the way the other partner wants to receive it. Without getting trapped into any generalizations, a woman might receive “love” as cuddling, holding hands, receiving flowers, etc. A man might want to receive “love” by initiating sex, being present during sex, wearing sexing clothes for him, etc. Seldom do these roads intersect as the relationship goes on.
Ok...that makes sense...but then why do you think they intersect more easily earlier in a relationship...? Shouldn't it get easier the more you get to KNOW eachother?
 

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Ok...that makes sense...but then why do you think they intersect more easily earlier in a relationship...? Shouldn't it get easier the more you get to KNOW eachother?
Well, my theory is that one is so hell bent on impressing the other in the beginning, they are much more in tune with what the other person desires. As time wears on, as they ‘lock’ their partner in, they become complacent or even dare I say, selfish, in what they are willing to give. They take each other for granted. You are left with what the OP has, what I had, what you had and what over 50% of the population has....crap.
 

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It comes down to ROI. For me, and this was a tough and expensive lesson to learn, time and effort is always better spent on a new relationship than trying to rehab and old one.
I've always found the sexual relationships that don't feel like work are the sexual relationships that work. To me if a relationship requires effort and hard work in order to sustain it, then that relationship is a poor relationship to begin with. Since it shouldn't be an effort to enjoy being with a sexual partner who enjoys being with you.
 

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Discussion Starter #135
I've always found the sexual relationships that don't feel like work are the sexual relationships that work. To me if a relationship requires effort and hard work in order to sustain it, then that relationship is a poor relationship to begin with. Since it shouldn't be an effort to enjoy being with a sexual partner who enjoys being with you.
I agree. I think the moment when you have to start figuring out how to "talk" to your partner about why you are unhappy or what is wrong, its pretty much over or at least on its way to being over.
 

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You get a woman’s best early on in a relationship. Her best dress, weight, sex, honesty and fidelity. As time goes on, you’ll see her best slack off. Same probably goes for a man as well. Solution, don’t get attached.
Uh huh, is that what happens when you're doing it wrong?

My wife still dresses splendidly. As to her weight she doesn't go to the gym, yet she is still well within her weight range for her height and still looks good nekid. On sex I have addressed that earlier we swing from the chandeliers and share a rich smorgasbord of pleasures. Also as best as I can tell my wife is honest and I have her fidelity as well.

As time goes by, I mean how long are you talking about? Since soon enough I will be 25 years in, and my wife still dresses well, she looks splendid for her age and has always been a very attractive woman. the sex is terrific, we enjoy spending time together. Plus this is all after having kids and her maintaining an accomplished and successful career in the private sector and then government management roles.

Be a better partner and pick better partners.
 

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I am not so sure about that. Presumably you’re not with the person if the sex was terrible the entire time (unless having religious or moral issues with sex before marriage).

So if it was good at one time, maybe for years, and now it isn’t I think you can look at what changed and maybe fix it. On the other hand if it doesn’t work then I think you also need to be willing to leave if you’re unhappy.

For me the “work” part was really a period of two “hard” months where I was screwed up mentally and not sure it was going to work for me. Now I would say we are both in maintenance mode where we have a mutual understanding of what we each need to do.

Does it feel as effortless as during the NRE period? Not really and it’s also not as wild. But I’d say my frequency and variety is good enough to where I don’t think about it on a daily basis like I was before trying to improve it.
 

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Discussion Starter #138
Uh huh, is that what happens when you're doing it wrong?

My wife still dresses splendidly. As to her weight she doesn't go to the gym, yet she is still well within her weight range for her height and still looks good nekid. On sex I have addressed that earlier we swing from the chandeliers and share a rich smorgasbord of pleasures. Also as best as I can tell my wife is honest and I have her fidelity as well.

As time goes by, I mean how long are you talking about? Since soon enough I will be 25 years in, and my wife still dresses well, she looks splendid for her age and has always been a very attractive woman. the sex is terrific, we enjoy spending time together. Plus this is all after having kids and her maintaining an accomplished and successful career in the private sector and then government management roles.

Be a better partner and pick better partners.
OK now you are just bragging :)

But seriously, I think you are one of the lucky ones.
 

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Discussion Starter #139
Uh huh, is that what happens when you're doing it wrong?

My wife still dresses splendidly. As to her weight she doesn't go to the gym, yet she is still well within her weight range for her height and still looks good nekid. On sex I have addressed that earlier we swing from the chandeliers and share a rich smorgasbord of pleasures. Also as best as I can tell my wife is honest and I have her fidelity as well.

As time goes by, I mean how long are you talking about? Since soon enough I will be 25 years in, and my wife still dresses well, she looks splendid for her age and has always been a very attractive woman. the sex is terrific, we enjoy spending time together. Plus this is all after having kids and her maintaining an accomplished and successful career in the private sector and then government management roles.

Be a better partner and pick better partners.
Quick question for you Personal...

Would you be as happy if she didn't do any of the risqué sexual things you all do? Like if she was just vanilla, missionary, would you still be as happy or would you even still be married to her? You don't have to answer, I'm just curious.
 

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Uh huh, is that what happens when you're doing it wrong?

My wife still dresses splendidly. As to her weight she doesn't go to the gym, yet she is still well within her weight range for her height and still looks good nekid. On sex I have addressed that earlier we swing from the chandeliers and share a rich smorgasbord of pleasures. Also as best as I can tell my wife is honest and I have her fidelity as well.

As time goes by, I mean how long are you talking about? Since soon enough I will be 25 years in, and my wife still dresses well, she looks splendid for her age and has always been a very attractive woman. the sex is terrific, we enjoy spending time together. Plus this is all after having kids and her maintaining an accomplished and successful career in the private sector and then government management roles.

Be a better partner and pick better partners.
You may be one of the rare ones. For that, you should be very grateful. I’ve been on this planet coming up on 50 years in a few months. It’s been my experience that people show you their true colors within a year. It’s hard for a human to hide their true self for much longer than that. Of course you need to know what you are looking for and be aware of the signs. I played poker for a living. Every living person has their “tells”. S*h*i*t, most of the people on TAM reveal themselves within a few posts.
 
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