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Did you text her back and tell her everything you had accomplished including looking after your stepson so she could sleep? Don't take that crap lying down. Did you ask her what she intends to accomplish before you get home? Did you advise her to not make a mess in the kitchen and expect you to clean it?
 

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Well you set yourself up for that one, I'm truly sorry to say.

It's called a covert contract - doing something or things because you expect it will have a particular reaction from your wife. Not surprisingly, this failed and now you are angry that she didn't recognize what you did.

You need to re-frame your nice guy way of thinking. She doesn't care what you do for her. It won't matter how many chores you do... she is on a mission to be unhappy and you can't change her attitude about this. Only she can.

You're really quite powerless unless it comes down to your own behavior. I think you're starting to see this to be the truth, but you have a long way to go.

Stop letting her unhappiness affect you. Carry on and do things that make you happy. Take care of your manly $h1t and stop looking for a thank you from her. She's not your mom - stop looking for her approval. You're not her dad- and BTW a good dad would never put up with his daughter's childish tantrums.

Your wife has reached a mean phase, for what reason I have no idea, but she's acting destructive and resentful toward you. If I were in your shoes, I'd give an ultimatum of finding the root cause, putting in the effort to stop the bad behavior, or I'm out.

As human beings, we're all deserving of basic levels of respect. I would think that a spouse is even more deserving of this most basic behavior.
 
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Discussion Starter · #43 ·
Don't think for one second I put up with it, she got it right back to her I made it very clear I was not going to put up with such a text message. I got over trying to keep her happy a while ago. It wouldn't matter if I sat on the couch drinking beer all day, or busted my ass around the house, her reaction to me is always based on her current mood. If I do stuff around the house, its because it needs done, it has 0% to do with trying to keep her happy. I do not need recognition no more than I need to be criticized. It does still bother me though, because its total lack of logic and attention to detail.

Its easy for anyone to come in, judge, share opinions etc. And everyone can get all hung up on the "ALPHA' this and that, that's all bullcrap. Its just confidence and being assertive, you can do that without being an *******, you can tag any man having issues with his wife as being a doormat but that's not always true. I would not be successful or an entrepreneur if I was like that. Im more of a type A than she is in most cases, but she does have a lot of power struggle going on because hidden between her clever remarks, and back handed compliments is a big ego seeking out validation.

I think we both do genuinely want this to work, but its a matter of unraveling a tangled web of psychology before we can get to a point of true peace. To me its very simple, just ask a question like and adult and don't try to frickin plan out my daily routine and create a huge honey do list of the things you honey don't.. Its a pretty easy fix from my perspective. Just complain less, and stay positive more! No one is motivated by negativity.

I guess im in the limbo state, if it doesn't turn positive I really can't see a real reason to stick around other than the kids...however if there is genuine effort to change, then we can get back to some harmony and peace.

Anyways,Im signing out for a while, its easy to get wrapped up into a world of toxicity here. I will give an update in a month or two how things are panning out.
 

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So my wife of 4 years and I have been going through a lot of rough patches. We have 2 kids and another on the way. I would normally want to be exited about this, but in the last couple years her attitude has just went down the toilet and I find myself really regretting that I gave into her constantly pushing for another kid.

Everything is always my fault, she is always complaining about something, no matter how trivial the matter is. She has went so far as to telling her 'victim' sob stories to her family and of course they take her side, but they don't even know the half of it, im just completely done with her attitude and I am left wishing we didn't have a little one on the way so I would feel less guilty about wanting out.

Heres the thing, our relationship basically consists of her complaining. Its usually about cleaning, for someone who verbally obsesses over cleaning all the time she sure doesn't do much of it. She accuses me of doing nothing around the house, which quite the opposite is true. That's what infuriates me the most about her, she twists the truth around so she seems like the innocent one. She truly believes anything that is wrong is someone elses fault, and she is beyond reproach. She just goes on and on about stuff nonstop, there is no satisfying her, if you try to make her happy she just increases the amount of complaining she does. Its gotten to the point where I finally wind up just flipping out because she will not shut up about it. Of course I'm the bad guy, nothing I ever do is right. Poor little victim woman.

From what she says, our house must be totally trashed, and no one caring at all about anything, but our house may not be perfect but its far from a mess. I would gladly post pictures of it at its worst on here and let you all be the judge. Its just a series of mountains being made out of mole hills.

Its just non stop negativity, something is always wrong, with her, or the house, or something.

I just cant see how anyone could possibly deal with this for life, and that's the way I am looking at it now. She never wants to accept blame for anything without taking someone down with her. Its to the point of being psychotic.

Its to the point it has killed any positive feelings I have towards her. She has no real reason to be unhappy about herself or life situation, shes in shape, has a good job, house, kids the whole 9 yards. She spent the first 4 years of marriage in school, being supported by me, in the mean time we have had basically no life, no dates, even when times are good I feel like I have been just an afterthought.

She does have a history of a lot of failed relationships and marriage where the pattern seems to be the same, where its all 'His' fault.

I do not believe to be perfect in any way, infact her constant belittlement has really damaged my sense of self so if anything im more self loathing because of her. I feel like the expectations are just impossible, I have to be 100% perfect, and then she MIGHT be happy for a moment.

I wish counseling could fix this, but she just views ME as the one who needs to change. Emotionally, im just spent, and done, and I find myself daydreaming about the single life again. I feel like crap for thinking that way, but again, I want and need some semblance of happiness in my life.

I know not a lot of people will have much to add here that's going to help, so this is mostly just venting
I could almost have written this myself. Except, I am 20 years in. I've tried for so long to handle the negativity, but it has grown too much. I work from home - self employed. We have a nice home, actually having a new one built, we have people clean the house, take care of the yard and pool. She cooks at home maybe 2x per month at most. She works for me at most 3-5 hours per week, except at year end, then it is about 20 hours / week. And with all of this, her life is too hard. She is always the victim. Nothing is ever good enough. She can never be happy. She complains about nearly everything. I could go on and on.

I have finally reached the breaking point. I have to get out. Trust me. If it is like this now, you do not want to be in this situation in another 10+ years. It does not get any better. At least in my experience.
 

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Wife: "Did you even do anything at all today?"

Me: "Yep, lots. Sat around in my boxers playing cards and drinking beer while the kids slung Cheerios all over the place."

Or

"Nope."
Posted via Mobile Device
 

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I have an ex husband who was a negative person like this. It is a life suck. He complained about and hated everything and everybody. People like this don't change, this is who they are...their base personality, and you cannot make them happy. Ever. Please think about how this affects your children, this is not a good environment for them.

If I were you, I would end it. (I did...)
 

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Same here. The one time I got him to go to therapy, the MC asked him to just do one thing for homework, as his negativity was drowning me in despair. All he had to do was think of 5 things a day that he could say that were positive. You know, like 'it didn't rain today' or 'the house didn't burn down' or 'my daughter is beautiful.' He thought of 2 things, couldn't think of a third, and quit.

Now, the older DD26 gets, the more I see the negativity seeping into her everyday conversations. I could kick myself for not leaving 10 years ago so she would have at least seen what a non-negative household looked like, so she could have chosen differently.
 

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Same here. The one time I got him to go to therapy, the MC asked him to just do one thing for homework, as his negativity was drowning me in despair. All he had to do was think of 5 things a day that he could say that were positive. You know, like 'it didn't rain today' or 'the house didn't burn down' or 'my daughter is beautiful.' He thought of 2 things, couldn't think of a third, and quit.

Now, the older DD26 gets, the more I see the negativity seeping into her everyday conversations. I could kick myself for not leaving 10 years ago so she would have at least seen what a non-negative household looked like, so she could have chosen differently.
My husband shared that his grandmother lived with the family for years after her husband died, and every year she became this increasingly negative, crotchety, nit-picking woman. Her influence on hubby's father (her son) was the most toxic.

Now, his dad's in his 70s, sits around the house just like she used to, picking at everything, and is become an increasingly negative, crotchety old man. Hubby actually says his attitude has improved a lot since I came into his life, because when I visit I simply flood the house with good feelings and don't put up with negativity if he starts to go down that path. If he's going through one of his bad spells and won't stop, my husband says "we're going now" and literally we pick up and leave. But my husband says it's the reason he can only tolerate about a half hour at his parent's place at any one time. It reminds him too much as a young man growing up with his negative grandma and his anxiety and panic spikes.

It really does stick with you, but you can always learn to handle it in ways that keep you as removed from it as possible.
 

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Can I ask why if things have been so bad for the past few years you've decided to bring another child into the mix?

I know it's a bit too late but I just don't understand why you'd complicate things and bring more stress into your lives if you're already having trouble coping?

Either way please don't have any more children!
 

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Same here. The one time I got him to go to therapy, the MC asked him to just do one thing for homework, as his negativity was drowning me in despair. All he had to do was think of 5 things a day that he could say that were positive. You know, like 'it didn't rain today' or 'the house didn't burn down' or 'my daughter is beautiful.' He thought of 2 things, couldn't think of a third, and quit.
I think my husband would be doing good to come up with 2. Negativity from a spouse is so draining.
 

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Same here. The one time I got him to go to therapy, the MC asked him to just do one thing for homework, as his negativity was drowning me in despair. All he had to do was think of 5 things a day that he could say that were positive. You know, like 'it didn't rain today' or 'the house didn't burn down' or 'my daughter is beautiful.' He thought of 2 things, couldn't think of a third, and quit.

Now, the older DD26 gets, the more I see the negativity seeping into her everyday conversations. I could kick myself for not leaving 10 years ago so she would have at least seen what a non-negative household looked like, so she could have chosen differently.
My wife couldn't come up with 5 things if you gave them to her. The negativity is just draining me and killing me. And as you say, I'm seeing it in my young daughters. It is killing me. I am trying to plan my exit to make it all as painless as possible. I know it is going to suck, but hopefully I can minimize some of the damage. I want the girls to have a shot of seeing what a positive and loving household can be like.
 
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