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Discussion Starter #1
hi there everyone, after having sex more than twice a month for a month (4 times) i am back to the same old story, there is nothing wrong with my wife, but all she wants is me to be there as the husband who is dependable and strong, sex is an inconvenient add on for my wife, even when we do have sex its now awkward as i know my wife doesnt realy want to do it, she makes me feel like i am doing something wrong, ihave tried talking to her and have tried anything and everything in bed but nothing changes, i have tried to talk to her to see if we can change anything to help but my wife says she is happy the way it is, what the hell am i to do! fed up pissed off and so frustrated!
 

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I couldn't live with a women that didn't want to be with me. I came to TAM to figure out why my wife and I didn't have sex. I am a natural Beta (raised by a single mom for years that preached the "nice guy" idea) I started reading "Married Man Sex Life primer" and realized I was being Beta. Have since become more Alpha and my wife's drive went UP.

But if your wife is "happy the way it is" I'm guessing that she is just not attracted to you. That could be because of being to Beta, It could be that there is OM, any other red flags? It could be that you are a meal ticket. Does she masturbate?
 

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hi there sbrown, i have allways been mr nice guy also, i walkaway from arguements as when i was a child my parents house was full of agression. i will have a look at the book you mentioned, can i ask what OM means, my wife says she loves me with all her heart but i have had so many disscusions about our sex life with her with either very short term improvment or none at all, its not as if i want sex every night, just a bit more frequent and a bit more passionate than it is. oh and no she doesnt masterbate,
 

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Have you guys tried MC ? If there is nothing wrong physically with your wife, then you should really try talking to a counselor. Has your wife been checked by a doctor, i.e., blood work, etc. Low sex drive can be a physical symptom of an underlying medical condition.

I would not however just "let this ride". You have to assert yourself more and let her know that if this doesn't change, she could lose you. I don't think you are giving her any consequences for her lack of behavior. Just my thoughts.
 

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my wife refuses mc, and my wife has been checked out medically and all is fine, i have also said that this cannot continue and i would leave if nothing changed, she then says she will try harder but it either doesnt change or if it does its only for a couple of weeks,
 

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are you sure she is orgasming when you have sex?

I think alot of women don't and are ashamed or embarrassed to tell you what they like. they also don't want to hurt your feelings but telling you they aren't getting off.

since she doesn't tell you what she likes watch some videos of women masturbating and and try to incorporate it into your love making.

or trade her in on a new model. one that likes sex preferably.
 
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my wife refuses mc, and my wife has been checked out medically and all is fine, i have also said that this cannot continue and i would leave if nothing changed, she then says she will try harder but it either doesnt change or if it does its only for a couple of weeks,
Maybe too much pressure?

Posted via Mobile Device
 

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my wife refuses mc, and my wife has been checked out medically and all is fine, i have also said that this cannot continue and i would leave if nothing changed, she then says she will try harder but it either doesnt change or if it does its only for a couple of weeks,
Refusing MC is a HUGE red flag to me. It shows that she doesn't see the damage that no sex does to a man, and she thinks the marriage is fine. If it where me, it wouldn't be an option. Find a MC and make the appointment, if she refuses to go, go by yourself and then go home and call an attorney. She needs to have some consequences or there will be no change. She doesn't take you serious.

OM is other man
 

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I posted this in another thread but it fits here as well.

One day my wifes sister comes over so my wife can help her pick out an suit for a business awards ceremony. My wife mentioned a nice skirt but her sister said she hadn't shaved her legs in months YES MONTHS! My wife says "Doesn't that bother you when you and your H have sex?" My SIL response was that "H knows better to even ask." I looked at my wife and said, "You EVER develop that attitude, I will throw your **** in the front yard!"
 

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Agreed. I never ever understand why 1 partner completely poo-poos the idea of MC, especially if the other has serious concerns and wants to go.


:(
I think it's because they figure they'll get blamed for a lot of things/everything, either because they have no problems but their partner does, or because they already know there are problems in the marriage caused by them and they'd rather avoid the issue and maintain the status quo.

As for the OP's issue, I think it comes down to currency in the marriage. You are clearly providing something she needs, as she's not only not complaining but also has no desire to work on improving the marriage. Maybe, as another poster suggested, you are a meal ticket, a pay cheque, or a good friend, stc. Whatever it is, you need to find out.

In the meantime, I'd look at just getting on with your life. Ignore sex. Thinking about ti isn't getting you anywhere anyways, so ignore it and spend the time focusing on you. Get a hobby, go out with the friends, do somethings for just you. If you're not enjoying your sex life, you can enjoy other aspects of life.
 

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I think it's because they figure they'll get blamed for a lot of things/everything, either because they have no problems but their partner does, or because they already know there are problems in the marriage caused by them and they'd rather avoid the issue and maintain the status quo.

As for the OP's issue, I think it comes down to currency in the marriage. You are clearly providing something she needs, as she's not only not complaining but also has no desire to work on improving the marriage. Maybe, as another poster suggested, you are a meal ticket, a pay cheque, or a good friend, stc. Whatever it is, you need to find out.

In the meantime, I'd look at just getting on with your life. Ignore sex. Thinking about ti isn't getting you anywhere anyways, so ignore it and spend the time focusing on you. Get a hobby, go out with the friends, do somethings for just you. If you're not enjoying your sex life, you can enjoy other aspects of life.
That sounds nice, but it doesn't really help. What happens is the OP will get frustrated and resentful that he's expected to be in a monogamous relationship yet his his needs to be in that monogamous relationship aren't being met.

And when his needs aren't being met and he's frustrated and resentful, her needs won't be met and thus the downward spiral starts.

If it was a desire for a particular car then yes, he could ignore it and move on. But sex is a physical and emotional need for a guy.
 

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I'm not saying to ignore it forever. I'm saying he needs to get his head on straight.

Transfer the focus on sex for a while. Even a month or so. Get settled into the mindset of acceptance, it'll displace much of the anger. Additionally, by finding out what she's getting from the relationship, he'll know what his bargaining chip is. For example, if he's a paycheque to her, threatening to stop being that paycheque will likely cause her to focus more seriously on keeping him happy.

It's sad, but humans don't do anything without motivation and most of the time that motivation comes from keeping your own needs met. For some, we are proactive about it and try to tackle a problem before it even becomes a problem. Most however are like this man's wife, just ignore the issue until your forced to act on it or face the likelihood of having a need or needs not met.

He needs to find out what motivates her in this relationship, but, unless it's plainly obvious, that could take time. Maybe he's a meal ticket, maybe he's just a really good friend, maybe it's something else like she just can't stand to be alone. He needs to figure that out. Until then, get your head on straight and start taking your life back. Enjoy yourself and get away from sex and the thoughts of it, because right now all it's causing is grief.

Once he's got his head clear and he's got a better focus on what she's getting from him, he needs to lay it out plain and simple. "I need sex to be more frequent in this relationship, or I'm going to leave." And he needs to reminder her of what she'll be missing out on if he goes.
 

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Discussion Starter #15
hi there all, thanks for all your comments, i have tried to talk to my wife again today and she lost her temper and told me she was doing nothing wrong, also as to say i am a meal ticket and the so called backbone of the house, she once told me she would remarry if i died so there would be someone in the house to provide and kill any spiders! on the odd ocassion we do have sex its so awkward as i know she doesnt realy want to do it, and i cant realy get into it as it almost feels like i have to force her into it, it doesnt make for good love making! still fed up, pissed off and a number of other things!
 

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hi there all, thanks for all your comments, i have tried to talk to my wife again today and she lost her temper and told me she was doing nothing wrong, also as to say i am a meal ticket and the so called backbone of the house, she once told me she would remarry if i died so there would be someone in the house to provide and kill any spiders! on the odd ocassion we do have sex its so awkward as i know she doesnt realy want to do it, and i cant realy get into it as it almost feels like i have to force her into it, it doesnt make for good love making! still fed up, pissed off and a number of other things!
Stop killing spiders!

Also, yeah, start to move on with your life. I'm not saying get divorced, but look at making yourself happy. Also, begin to prepare for an exit strategy, just in case you do divorce. Take some money and stick it aside in an account so you'll have something to get a new place if you have to. Get your or her name off of stuff like bank accounts, lines of credit, etc. so that everything is easier to seperate between the two of you. If you have kids, consult a lawyer and get advice on how to gain equal or sole custody if you wish.

You may be emotionally ready to leave, but get yourself physically and financially ready as well before you do anything.
 
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He needs to lay it out plain and simple. "I need sex to be more frequent in this relationship, or I'm going to leave."
IMHO this is terrible advice. I don't believe that ultimatums have any place in marriage, ever. All he will achieve is adding to the resentment she's already expressing, and make things worse.

Sex meets many of my needs for emotional and physical intimacy. The best that any of us can do is express our needs to our spouse and let them know how deeply the issue is affecting us and the marriage. Often times the problem is that communication has broken down and the hurting spouse doesn't know how to express their needs or their hurt. The other spouse may not realize that sex is about more than enjoying physical pleasure. That is one of the functions of marriage counseling ; to help spouses communicate their needs to each other, and to seek balance. There have been many posts here and on other message boards from spouses who say that they had no idea that sex meant so much to their partner beyond physical pleasure.

Ultimatums are usually a desperate attempt to communicat the depth and severity of a problem, but they are not communication. Once the nature of the hurt has been sucessfully communicated and understood through other means, then there is a reasonable expectation that an effort be made to solve the problem. If the fact that I am lonely and hurting isn't enough to motivate my wife to re-establish intimacy, then a demand isn't going to do it either. If there are no health or physiological reasons for any issues in a marriage, and a spouse doesn't want to address the problems, then clearly the fundamentals of the marriage have broken down. At that point we can encourage change, but we can not demand it.

To the OP my suggestion is to make every effort to communicate exactly what you get from sex. If you don't understand what you get emotionally from sex, then take some time to learn and understand the role that sex plays in a marriage. Then communicate your needs in terms that address your emotional, and even spiritual connection to her ; that you want and need to feel close to her, that sex is a deep and intimate connection, and so forth. Put it in terms that clearly show that this is about her, your love for her, and your marriage to her.

Once you've expressed your needs, no ultimatum is going to make her want to meet them. She either wants to or doesn't. If she shows no interest in creating a better and more intimate marriage, then you have a choice. The best anyone can do is either decide that other parts of the marriage are worth choosing to live with it, or get a divorce and move on.

I wish you the best
 

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You have to teach your wife about marriage.

She has to learn that being a marital partner involves meeting the other person's needs. Really part of your own personal fulfillment is to meet the other person's needs along with getting your needs met. It involves understanding what the other person's needs are, using your own mind to want to be that type of (giving) person, and also communicating what your own needs are so you can get fulfillment from your marital partner.

There are many ways to teach her about this... Talking at lenght is probably one of the worst.
 

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IMHO this is terrible advice. I don't believe that ultimatums have any place in marriage, ever. All he will achieve is adding to the resentment she's already expressing, and make things worse.

Sex meets many of my needs for emotional and physical intimacy. The best that any of us can do is express our needs to our spouse and let them know how deeply the issue is affecting us and the marriage. Often times the problem is that communication has broken down and the hurting spouse doesn't know how to express their needs or their hurt. The other spouse may not realize that sex is about more than enjoying physical pleasure. That is one of the functions of marriage counseling ; to help spouses communicate their needs to each other, and to seek balance. There have been many posts here and on other message boards from spouses who say that they had no idea that sex meant so much to their partner beyond physical pleasure.

Ultimatums are usually a desperate attempt to communicat the depth and severity of a problem, but they are not communication. Once the nature of the hurt has been sucessfully communicated and understood through other means, then there is a reasonable expectation that an effort be made to solve the problem. If the fact that I am lonely and hurting isn't enough to motivate my wife to re-establish intimacy, then a demand isn't going to do it either. If there are no health or physiological reasons for any issues in a marriage, and a spouse doesn't want to address the problems, then clearly the fundamentals of the marriage have broken down. At that point we can encourage change, but we can not demand it.

To the OP my suggestion is to make every effort to communicate exactly what you get from sex. If you don't understand what you get emotionally from sex, then take some time to learn and understand the role that sex plays in a marriage. Then communicate your needs in terms that address your emotional, and even spiritual connection to her ; that you want and need to feel close to her, that sex is a deep and intimate connection, and so forth. Put it in terms that clearly show that this is about her, your love for her, and your marriage to her.

Once you've expressed your needs, no ultimatum is going to make her want to meet them. She either wants to or doesn't. If she shows no interest in creating a better and more intimate marriage, then you have a choice. The best anyone can do is either decide that other parts of the marriage are worth choosing to live with it, or get a divorce and move on.

I wish you the best
I'm not a fan of ultimatums either, but when you break down his issue, it's basically he needs more sex from the marriage and he has tried to talk this issue over with her. At some point, yeah, you need to lay it out on the table.
 
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