Some of you may have seen my other posts. The underlying theme is my wife of 1 yr 9 months is not a "warm" person and our relationship is constantly on the edge.
She started out quite warm, but rapidly declined.
Foolishly I pushed on, asked her to marry. Something she now says she would not have done if she knew then what she knows now.
Biggest problem for her is my previous marriage and the fact that I have a child that visits 3 out of 4 weekends a month. My little girl is six. I divorced because my ex has BPD and cheated on me. The fights were non-stop and I wanted to spare my little girl that experience. I do not contact my ex except though a very rare email if visitation adjustments needed.
My current wife's issues stem from an inner conflict on how to handle my daughter. This is according to her.
They both love each other and my daughter calls her mama. My wife says she often feels she is her real daughter - but of course she is not. She has a real mother who takes less than stellar care of my daughter.
My wife put pressure on herself and me around my daughter. She has a hard time fully accepting her, but cannot reject her.
My wife says because we don't have enough "alone" time she was not able to build up a strong bond with me. She admits to not being "in love" with me and sees me more as a dad or even one of her own family than a husband.
We rarely have sex, but that has changed a bit with my insistence that we do once a week. She almost seems to have liked my demand even though she initially rejected it.
She will cuddle me sometimes and kiss me goodnight and good morning. She will fondle me because she enjoys it. There is some intimacy, but it often swings hot/cold by whatever she has going on in her head.
We saw a MC a few times and my wife thought we got something out of it. The therapist wanted my wife to continue alone, and she did for a while.
She has since stopped going - rejecting the idea of counseling. She doesn't accept advice very well. She easily feels threatened and controlled and reacts with stubbornness and coldness.
My wife comes form a different world than I; having lived in many other countries, having rich friends and boyfriends, having been a "player", being arguably hyper-sexual, and spending the first 43 years of her life single and happy.
I on the other hand am very loving and caring toward her. I am quite conservative in my values, particularly about sex and relationships. I am not a "nice-guy" however, so no need to look there. I only expect a normal caring relationship, no covert or otherwise contracting.
I have tried to share my love with her. To make her feel wanted, but free. Consistently so. Maybe stubbornly so. I have tried to reach out to her in many ways. Tried to share experiences and talk and enjoy things together. She however doesn't have much patience for things that are not her favorite and she shows it. I eventually get discouraged and taper off. We talk and she denies she is rejecting me. The same for affection.
But after a fight she will come to me - loving for a while. The repeat the cycle.
I want and need her to care for me consistently. Having recently revealed she is not in love with me and hasn't felt the same way since the first few month were were together has been rather difficult for me. I have withdrawn form her somewhat as I feel a fool giving myself to her now.
We have discussed divorce many times.
Ironically the connection to my child has kept us together so far.
She feels bad to not be there for my daughter; I don't like the idea of separating my daughter from my wife.
But I am not happy. And she doesn't seem to be able to care about my happiness for more than short intervals.
When we talk she always ends up with her oft-repeated "we just don't match; we are too different".
I ask her why she married me and she says it because I am so kind; her parents told her she would never find another like me; because she was 43 when we married and knew it was time to settle down.because she decided that once she gets married she will not divorce like her parents did.
She never says because she loves me. She thinks that kind of thinking is for children.
And so she hurts me more.
I keep hanging on - because of my daughter; because we work in the same department (she is looking elsewhere as she hates the company) because I live in Japan and it's hard to make a stable family here and I don't want to give up (again) on marriage.
However much I want to try I know I can't do it alone. And if she really believes we are not compatible and she really sees me only as a father and not a husband there is no way to make it work through effort alone - especially if mostly from my side.
I just wish I had the foresight and a crystal ball to help me make the right decision...
Wife doesn't love me like a husband. Her love is intermittent. My daughter causes her indirect stress that she cannot manage. I am not happy. She is not happy. I don't know if I should stay or go.
How can I know when I should throw in the towel???