[HeartbreakHotelGuest]

Hello again guys.... well the last few weeks have been torture...
He was threatning me with an out of country divorce for over a month from Guam and that he would take the kids away because i will not be able to support them unless i agree to his terms which is nothing in writing for me and for my "replacement" to raise our kids so i can go get a job to support myself... since i would not agree, two weeks ago, he calmly and matter of factly told me how i should kill myself because the kids will be better off with him and my "replacement" and nobody would miss me and offered ways to help me (a bottle of wine and some pills since i didnt have the stones to take a knife to myself). I had the divorce papers drawn up by a paralegal the following day and still held on to them... I cant even say why - well yeah i can, even through all of that i stupidly i dont know... had some kind of hope although mentally i knew there was never a possibility of going back.

On Sunday our anniversary he followed me through the house showing me pictures of his "choice" (apparently there was more than one in the running) A 20 year old asian girl - he has an eighteen yo from a previous marriage. He is leaving to be with her at the end of next month in her country and get married (he doesnt know ive filed). I filed the papers on Monday - he still hasnt been served and we are still living together I am worried about how he will react when he does but even worse..I suddenly feel like the loneliest person on the planet even with 4 kids running around - im sure you guys know what i mean its just not the same. I am drowning in negative emotions and no matter how hard i try to look at the bright side - i cant find it... At 42 soon to be 43 -I feel like i wont be able to make it through this with my head above water. And that what it feels like - like im drowning and i know it and theres nothing i can do about it.
Thanks for letting me vent.

 

[Couleur]

Do you feel safe? When you H gets the divorce papers and the financial realities start to kick in, will he try to harm you or your children? If this seems at all possible, pack bags, put them in your car, have the addresses of women's shelters, get your hands on an emergency reserve of cash.

Have you considered getting a VAR, carrying it on you at all time, so you can document his abuse (because what he is doing is abuse!)?

It's possible he is just trying to bait you into divorcing him so he can pursue his (fantasy based) new life without guilt -- he'll be able to describe you as the one who wanted out of the relationship. But, it's also possible he is a control freak who will hurt you if he feels threatened.

 

[HeartbreakHotelGuest]

Cant afford a VAR he has all the cash and he took the keys for the van away. Yes he is a control freak. I kind of resided myself to whatever happens to just call the cops. If he does lay hands - it will only help us keep him out of our lives as much as possible. I honestly dont think he has too much intentions on paying. I think he will try to leave the country, probably appear telephonically for court and if he feels threatned enough may just stay in the asia pacific where women throw themselves at american guys and he can live like a king on american wages (he will cheat on her too- if he stays) but honestly it could go either way. He really just doesnt care. He wants the kids like property so he doesnt have to pay out for them and control their expense thats why he wants my replacement to raise them so there are no childcare costs and to keep her tied down (although they are now all achool aged). he tells me everyday how much he cant wait to be away from me.

The crazy thing is, is that he was never like this. Its like i never really knew him at all. He used to be a good dad, a good husband - its just scary who he has become in a matter of months.

 

[StillRemains]

I'm a little worried about your plan to call the cops. They might not get there fast enough if trouble is brewing. Do you have any friends or family that could pick you up and get you out of there on the day he is served? Do you know when that will be ahead of time at all? I'm going to say a prayer for you. I know how you feel when you say you are lonely and feel like you're drowning. You will get through this somehow and have a better life. Good luck to you!!

 

[HeartbreakHotelGuest]

Still Remains,
I really truly hope so, just right now it seems impossible. I am tormented by this in so many ways. The fact that hes with someone else. The giggly nonstop texting and IMing right in front me. Having to see him with someone else. Having "her" spending anytime with my kids. That my kids will like her better. That he has put up a facebook page with my kid's pictures for her. The way he tells the kids how great my replacement (yes thats literally what he calls her) and that shes young enough to go rollerblading and stuff with them. That i'll be alone for the rest of my life. That we will live in misery and theyll want to go live with him. Literally- i could go on and on. I cant see anything positive about this and i dont see any nice future for me as a result. He cheated, discarded me like i was nothing and hes happy, sleeps like a baby, and will come out ahead. It makes me physically ill. I trusted him heart and soul. I dont think I'll ever meet someone else (who wants a 43 yo with 4 young kids - but on the miracle that i would - I dont think i'll ever trust anyone again.

As far as family goes i have my parents but they are 5 hours away. I dont know when he'll be served. The most I would be able to do is run to a neighbor's house, but i dont think he will be physically abusive just more verbally abusive. After all, this is what he wanted - to get away from me and he plans on moving out next payday (monday). So, i think he will be mad because he was blindsided (welcome to my world, a$$h--e) but he might actually be relieved its happening and moving forward so he can get on with his wonderful new life and wife and mine can just finish falling apart.

 

[synthetic]

I'm so sorry...

There's nothing sad or scary about being 43 and divorced in your situation.

What's sad is the very apparent self-neglect you've inflicted upon yourself for so long.

As sad as your husband's suicide suggestion is, I think it's the only type of nudge that could possibly kick you into the right gear.

Get out of this codependent dysfunction and please love yourself more. You need some serious self-reflection and self-awareness. You MUST get yourself to a much stronger position in life.

 

[StillRemains]

You have talked to a lawyer, right, since you filed papers? Please know that while it may look like he will come out ahead in the short term, you WILL come out ahead in the long term. I know it seems bleak right now but please listen to Synthetic and give yourself some love. No one deserves what he is doing to you. Please journal all the things he has said and done. It might help you in the divorce proceedings.

What is he really gaining here? Not a lot. A posOW that has no respect for marriage. She will never replace you in your kids' eyes. He is hoping for that but it will not happen. Kids are smarter than that. They might like her and that's okay--you'd rather have that than have her be mean to them. I know it hurts like hell to think of them with her. Boy, do I know that! But she will never be their mom. At that age, she'll be like a babysitter to them. Not to mention, with the posOW being so much younger, she might just dump your "old" STBXH shortly anyway. They started their relationship by cheating. There is no honor in that and it won't be long until their fantasy phase is over and reality starts sinking in. They will likely not trust each other and probably even cheat on each other. He's not at all coming out ahead in this, even if he seems to think he is!

On the other hand, you will be free of an emotionally and verbally abusive man. I'm your age and you'll be surprised how many men are out there looking for a good woman, kids or not. Many men, like a lot of the ones here on TAM, have been in your shoes and have made improvements to themselves and will be excellent boyfriend material. I hope you can try to cheer yourself up some and don't let your STBXH's comments get to you. I do know that's way easier said than done but trust me, when you can get to that place, you will feel so much more peace. Whenever he says something degrading to you, stop and tell yourself it's not true and you are a good person! Soon you WILL believe it. Please be safe!

 

[HeartbreakHotelGuest]

Syn,

I really do want to, but its complicated. I have been a sahm for 12 years. So right now at this moment. I dont have money, a job, a car etc.

Its very scary. I have applied for several meaningless jobs and cant even get those because 1) my age 2) ive been out of the workforce for so long.

I dont have a support system in place and now that i have filed cant relocate back home where my parents might help. But honestly it would be more expensive, there is more crime and not anymore jobs than here.

I dont believe hes going to pay, he will more than likely skip the country.

And again, I cant imagine a decent guy my age that wants to get involved with a woman who has 4 young kids. Most guys my age are just finished or finishing raising their kids. They dont want to start up again - let alone with someone else's kids and i certainly dont look like i did before i had 4 kids and 12 years later when i might have turned some heads

and i hope he does leave the country just so i dont have to see him all lovey, touchy feely- with a 20 year old girl.

But i am working on the self reflection thing - i just dont see a better way yet and lord knows I really, really want to.

 

[HeartbreakHotelGuest]

Still Remains,
I didnt lawyer up. Cant afford it. I went to a free consultation and they asked for a $3,500 retainer. No one around here would do it pro bono and even though he would have to pay for attorney fees i wold get that back later and would still have to come up with money upfront. I am at the mercy of the courts. Whatever happens, happens. What i am really worried about is the big father's rights thing happening in my state and the alimony thing. I am just scared that he will get someone to defend him he does make enough to lawyer up, that will get him more than he deserves - we live in a no fault state so his adultery wont even come into play and i dont know that i can prove financial adultery all i have are lunch receipts, one western union receipt and checks that show he has a different address - nothing impressive.

I did file the kids with cpiap?? passport alert program, so if he tries to issue the kids passports and tries to abduct them he wont be able to.

I know this will sound horrible, but i desperately want to meet someone new. i feel painfully lonely and i just want to start to forget him. Not saying I'm looking for hook up or to jump into a relationship - just start meeting people to replace him in every thought in my mind. Thank you for your words.

 

[moxy]

Call a women's shelter. Take yourself and your kids and a bag each there. You need some counseling and you need to make sure you and your kids are safe.

The threats and manipulation will only increase in intensity and if he is urging you toward suicide and planning on taking your kids away, then you have very good reason to be worried -- especially since he seems to control your access to the world. If he sees them or you as property or objects, then it's doubly worrisome.

This guy is nowhere near the camp of "I'm going to come to my senses and do the right thing" and so you need to get out of your self-pity and DO SOMETHING to get out of this mess.

Hope is your enemy, right now. Direct action to remove yourself from this mess is your friend. Escape. Now. With your kids in tow. And then get a lawyer and counselor.

 

[moxy]

I really do want to, but its complicated.

No. This is an excuse. This is fear talking. He's kept you under his thumb for a long time and now you're afraid to even try the door to see if it's locked. You don't know if you want to and you're afraid to consider it. Set aside all the complicated tangle and focus. Change what you don't like about your life!

I have been a sahm for 12 years. So right now at this moment. I dont have money, a job, a car etc.

Its very scary. I have applied for several meaningless jobs and cant even get those because 1) my age 2) ive been out of the workforce for so long.

Women's shelter = resources? Maybe you can find out your options there, at least!

Yes, it's scary, but, staying put should scare you even more -- and, it doesn't even sound like that's an option. Your H is trying to get rid of you, don't let him dictate the terms in a way that damages you! Be brave. Let go of the fear and focus on your task.

Try anywhere for a job, try a cashier job at a grocery store or a retail job at the mall; they hire high school kids with no experience at all, so why not you? It's not glamorous, but it's an honest wage and a place to start if you want to get on with your life.

I dont have a support system in place and now that i have filed cant relocate back home where my parents might help. But honestly it would be more expensive, there is more crime and not anymore jobs than here.

Sure, your safety net is no guarantee of anything because it isn't strong right now, but, that is no reason not to take a risk. This is an excuse. See it as an obstacle and overcome it. You're a mom. You've raised kids. You've been their entire support system. You raised them in your bellies and in your love. You have enough strength in you to get by without a support system and just because your H has kept you believing that you need to be taken care of doesn't mean that it is true. You can take care of yourself. You can be your own for now, too.

And, you have TAM and other internet options, even if your real life has limited help. Use those things to help yourself -- and set aside your sadness or it will be even harder to do. You can feel this and wallow in it once you've acted to secure your and your kids safety.

And again, I cant imagine a decent guy my age that wants to get involved with a woman who has 4 young kids.

This should be the farthest thing from your mind right now. You do not need someone else in order to get by. You can choose someone else to connect with in some future time, but...you don't need a sugar daddy and you need to re-learn how to support yourself and your kids before you dive into another relationship.

You're in a codependent cycle. It sucks. Many of us have been there. I'm sorry for the tough love, but you need to snap out of this long enough to take care of you! Now, if you are taking care of yourself and your situation, then be sad all you like because it will take a long time to let go of the sadness and it's okay to admit feeling it. Dwell on the emotions all you want, but don't let it get in the way of your actions.

Hang in there! But, don't hang in there hoping for a Prince Charming to come save you. Save yourself first. Then, have a good long cry.

Your H sounds like a jerk and he isn't treating you well. I know you can treat yourself better. I know you can set a better example for your children, too. And, I know you don't need to be yet another thing that he tramples on his way through life; you can be the thing that slipped away and survived his stomping foot.

 

[synthetic]

And again, I cant imagine a decent guy my age that wants to get involved with a woman who has 4 young kids.

Really dear? Really?

I won't even comfort you with the usual cliche. I want to smack you.

Your childhood plays a major role in the way you think and, the way you think is very harmful to your well-being. Please start reading this article right away:

DO YOU LOVE TO BE NEEDED, OR NEED TO BE LOVED?