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My boyfriend is going to be a groomsman for his cousin's wedding and was recently invited to the bachelor party. Neither of us imagined it being something involving strippers until the groom made a reference to my boyfriend about the strippers that will be in the limo. This made me uncomfortable and I expressed this, although it is something that has already been talked about so I did not think too much of it. He offered not to go, but then I just got this overwhelming feeling that people would look badly at him and then look to me as the controlling girlfriend- when really this is something we both sincerely agree on.

For some background...I am not a jealous or insecure person. I do trust my boyfriend and in terms of strip clubs I have never really had a problem with them in general- I have gone to them 3 or 4 times with a group of friends (boyfriend always included) and we had a funny and entertaining night...but that is all it was, just a funny thing. My boyfriend and I communicate openly with each other and the basic guidelines about the strip club has always been: only if we are together and no lap dances. I see it as a fair compromise, our male friends like to go, I don't want him to miss out and i'm sure he doesn't want to either and I don't mind going and I can do so and have a good time with them.

So this is where the bachelor party dilemma comes in. I am aware that strippers in a limo WILL be giving lap dances and this is already something I am not comfortable with, let alone him being with strippers in the first place. In this case he is very willing to not go because he doesn't see one night as being worth breaking something that we stand for. But what happens when it starts to be best friends and brothers getting married? I know that they will have just as much pressure for him to be there as our relationship is pressuring him to not be.

If I am with someone who wouldn't himself have a bachelor party with strippers and doesn't normally go to strip clubs out of both respect to me and because he doesn't have the desire to...why should it be allowed and expected to happen each time someone close to him is getting married?

Confused and frustrated! Advice and thoughts would be appreciated :)
 

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I am one of those people who could care less about strippers, but the fact they are in the limo is what I find weird.. Is it just for one part of the night? It would be pretty pricey to have them all night riding around in a limo and not very comfortable??? Can he get another mode of transportation to wherever they are going, then be in the limo the rest of the night? Or he can make it clear that he is not interested in it because he's not and it has nothing to do with you?.. But tricky thing about being in a limo you don't have very many places to escape... From the way it sounds its not about you being controlling its about what is comfortable - or uncomfortable - for him.. and you'd hope his family would respect that.

As far as my husbands bachelor party and those he's been to there are always strippers. Not because the bachelor wants one but because the people planning it and attending it do. It's always more of a joke then a sexual thing - at least thats how it works and has worked in our group of friends. I have heard horror stories from random people, but in my opinion and experience they are more the exception than the rule.

Don't know if this helps but good luck!
 

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I must confess, I don't understand 'stripper hatred'.

I didn't have strippers at my bachelor party. We rented a house on a river in the mountains for a weekend - it was cool. But one of my childhood friend's girlfriend was convinced that there would be strippers involved ... and freaked. It nearly ended their relationship - over something that didn't even happen.

That said, I've been to plenty of b-parties with strippers. My girlfriend, then spouse didn't care. Neither should you. I have never heard of a case where a the groom to be, or a bachelor party attendee ran off with a stripper. They don't 'hang' out at the party. They are present for 30 minutes ... tops. They do their thing, and then move on.

What exactly are you not comfortable with? Are you self conscious? Do you not trust your boyfriend? What do you think could possibly happen that will have a lasting or serious impact on your relationship - especially seeing as he appears to be devoted to you?

Tell him to go and have a good time, and don't worry about it. Because you are correct, if he doesn't, he will be mocked, and they will hold you responsible. That is simply the way it works.
 

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If the presence of strippers bothers your boyfriend to the extent that he would prefer to absent himself and risk alienating his friends, he is free to choose not to go. As far as being "allowed", boyfriend or married, he is still an adult. Frequenting strippers is apparently not something he normally does and exposure to one as part of a celebration is unlikely to change who he is or his relationship with you. Strippers at bachelor parties has come to be sort of a tradition for many people. It would be great if your boyfriend didn't catch a load of grief over it. I don't go to strip clubs but if a close friend invited me to a bachelor party where strippers were to perform, my wife wouldn't lose it and she wouldn't pretend to "allow" or not "allow" me to attend. I have two jobs with bosses at each. Don't need one at home.
 

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I've walked out of bachelor parties (even my life long best friends) because they either had strippers or they were going to a strip club. I'm not saying it's wrong in general, but wrong for me. My wife has expressed to me how much she doesn't want me ever to be in one of those places. I choose to respect her wishes and not go anywhere near them. I think if you have a problem with it, he honestly should respect your wishes and not go.
 

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Watching strippers isn't my cup of tea, but what poses the greatest danger to a relationship? A guy seeing female breasts displayed for entertainment in exchange for money or an intimate partner who presumes to dictate what her partner may or may not do or see? The stripper will disrobe, get paid, and go home. A partner who feels empowered to tell her boyfriend that he can't see the stripper will also likely feel it is her right to tell him other things he may not do; other places he may not go, what he can see, read, view, drink, hang out with, etc. That, IMO, is the greater danger. I'd wager that all the strippers throughout history haven't destroyed as many relationships as overbearing partners have.
 

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It sounds like he wouldn't be interested anyway, and it he's truly that uninterested, seems that his friends/family would already know that anyway. Whether they do or not, he can simply explain he has no interest, and that should be the end of it.

If he's not into it, but wants to go so that his friends/family won't tease him or whatever, let him go. Honestly, to me, it's not that big a deal. He's going to be with a group of other people, not alone with her, and stripper does not equal hooker, **** or any other thing like that. She's going to strip, show off her body, collect her money (actually, she'll probably do this first), and then go home. I don't really think you have anything to worry about. As for the lap dances, he can simply refuse the lap dances.

He's willing to not go. I'd tell him that you're fine with whatever he decides he wants to do, and if he decides to go, let him go and find something to do while he's gone to the party to keep your mind off it.
 

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Thank you for all the input- I really do appreciate it since this is a new thing I am dealing with and I wasn't sure what the right way to react was.

I spoke to him yesterday and the gist of the conversation was basically..."I do want you to go and have a good time, as long as you know where to draw the line." I guess I was referring to dancing and even lap dances being one thing...other things I have heard about, like stripper games that involve more sexual things (i.e. licking whipped cream off of her breasts, etc) would be quite another. Like I expressed he doesn't have an interest in this, but we differ in opinion in he believes it can be all good fun and I think it is still doing something sexual with a girl, paying her for "entertainment" or not. Basically, he thinks he will create more of a problem at a bachelor party by telling the stripper to "stop" or by walking out. He says he would rather not go than to make any promises that he doesn't know he would be able to keep.

Am I still being too rigid to even imply I want a line drawn? I really don't think so but apparently many disagree with me! Also-- input from men who have been to bachelor parties about what kinds of things actually happens would be helpful. I have heard/read about a lot of raunchy things that maybe aren't even that realistic. Thanks.
 

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Am I still being too rigid to even imply I want a line drawn? I really don't think so but apparently many disagree with me! Also-- input from men who have been to bachelor parties about what kinds of things actually happens would be helpful. I have heard/read about a lot of raunchy things that maybe aren't even that realistic. Thanks.
In my opinion? No. As far as I'm concerned with something like this he should respect your wishes. He's in a relationship with you, not his friends. In my opinion social stigma be dammed, your more important then whatever his friends may make fun of him about it. Obviously others disagree with me and that is fine, we all are allowed to have differing opinions about life.

As to what goes on? Depends on the people involved. When alcohol, testosterone mix things can get out of hand quickly. There are also times things don't get out of hand as well. It's hard to say without knowing the group of guys your guy will be hanging out with.
 

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Never been to a b-party with strippers.

But regarding lap dances - anytime I've had one, it just feels like a rip-off. It doesn't take much time being in a strip club to realize that the only interest these women have in you is what's in your wallet.

I guess I don't understand why you feel lap dances are crossing the line. My opinion - they are overrated. It really wouldn't be the end of the world for him to get a lap dance.

BUT - your last question - should you even imply that you want to draw the line - YES - you should imply - you should communicate and let him know how you feel. But he's an adult and the decision is ultimately his.
 

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What is scary is that at some point the two of you will be getting married (Maybe?)... At that time, the same group of friends may well throw the same party with the strippers... If it is uncomfortable for you that he will be at the party with the strippers, how will you feel when it is HIS party and he is the focal point for the strippers?

I have never been to a strip club, although my wife has told me that it is okay for me to go if I want to. She has even asked me why I don't go to them now that I have her "permission". Strippers just aren't my bag. Point being, it is a trust issue. Either you trust that he will be a good boy, or you don't.

I can tell you now that the only reason he would skip the party would be to avoid an argument with you and to avoid making you angry. While strippers are not my brand of entertainment, I would still go to my friends bachelor party if strippers were involved. It's all part of the "game". Additionally, strippers just get naked (to varying degrees)... It is not as though he is attending a free-for-all sex fest where he will be required to make out and/or have sex with the strippers.

Ultimately, the attention of the strippers AND the Groomsmen will be focused on the groom anyway.

Good luck with this.
 

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I respect Cryspy's input, but in my opinion ...yes, you are still being too rigid.

You seem to implicitly believe that your boyfriend's presence poses a direct threat to your relationship - and it just ain't so.

I have been to strip clubs. I have been to bachelor parties with strippers. Yep, I've seen the whipped-cream thing, that is for the groom to be only.

I didn't want strippers at my bachelor party. My friends respected that.

My wife to be had a bachelorette party, and one the things that the girls did was to find a good looking guy to try to convince her NOT to get married. They did ... and he dug his teeth into the job. He asked her out, danced with her, and asked her to move in. I know all of this of course because she told me. I just didn't sweat it. In hindsight I wish he had been successful :)

You know your boyfriend isn't going to bang a stripper. Odds are he isn't even going to come close to putting money in a g-string. Nothing is going to happen - but it's apparent that you are pretty worked up about it, and I guess I can't shake wondering why that is?
 

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Id rather cash in on the cool points & be the awesome trusting girlfriend thats says: I trust & love you. Have a great time!
I purchased a lap dance for my husband for his bachelor party...gave the cash to the groomsman (our friend). personally i see strippers as a novelty. very very rarely will they be bunny ranchers that go all the way.
trust him!! tell him he gets a private dance when he gets home so dont wear himself out on the party =P !!!
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Ive been to many a party for gm, its all fun usually the strippers are torturing the groom to be hard rough lap dance with the end a bucket of ice to cool him off then the atomic wedgie which involves the underware being ripped off and send home to drunkin possie... very rarely can you DO anything with them nor would ur boyfriend want to if its that easy for him and everyone at the party to get IT!! why would he want to!!! do you worry about him walking the street and meeting a nice girl??? thats more of a threat than a stripper. try and relax be the cool chick and trust him when he gets home f... his brains out as a reward to show him you are the ship!!! cool and hot at once good luck with this.
 

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I am pretty biased on this subject, so...I pretty much agree with Crypsys. If it is not something you are BOTH comfortable with, don't do it. As for peer pressure...if these guys are mature enough...it won't matter. nice777guy is right about one thing....the only interest IS in the wallet...and most(not rarely) will do whatever, for $$$. They do not, after all, keep all of the money-they have to split it with someone.

I wonder just what kind of dancing can be done in a limo, anyways? Seems only room for touchy-feely, to me, and as far as I am concerned, letting ANY woman rub on or touch my hubby is out of line. As Crypsys mentioned, alcohol will also play a part.

We just almost lost our 22 year marriage over this, and we had had discussions years ago on this issue, and it was "just" visiting clubs.

It is not about giving/seeking permission, but preserving your relationship.
 

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The guy in question isn't married. He has a girlfriend, not a wife. Even so, it's bad practice to say that either may do only those things the other is comfortable with. I was married to a woman who wasn't "comfortable" with me sitting in particular chairs or entering certain rooms in my own home. She wasn't comfortable with me adjusting the radio or the thermostat or the window in the car. In short, she was a psycho, control-freak. Marry a decent guy with values you can respect. Once he's wearing a ring, treat him with respect and just suck down 90% of the temptation you will have to correct or change him. That leaves 10% you can use for truly grave problems. This guy has done nothing wrong. There's no indication he wants to do anything wrong. He doesn't need to modify his behavior because it's perfectly normal, rational behavior for a male in his situation. Why should he start leaping through fiery hoops for a woman? He's with his girlfriend only because he chooses to be and he makes that decision every day. He doesn't need a chaparone, a list of rules, or a nose ring. If love aint enough to keep him faithful, nothing else is gonna work, either.
 

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Watching strippers isn't my cup of tea, but what poses the greatest danger to a relationship? A guy seeing female breasts displayed for entertainment in exchange for money or an intimate partner who presumes to dictate what her partner may or may not do or see? The stripper will disrobe, get paid, and go home. A partner who feels empowered to tell her boyfriend that he can't see the stripper will also likely feel it is her right to tell him other things he may not do; other places he may not go, what he can see, read, view, drink, hang out with, etc. That, IMO, is the greater danger. I'd wager that all the strippers throughout history haven't destroyed as many relationships as overbearing partners have.
Boy do I ever agree with what Unbelievable says here ! So very true. :iagree::iagree:

I would just talk honestly about how YOU feel about it to him, if he is a good boyfriend, he will listen & hear you out, but I would personally still allow him the freedom to go. Hopefully he will come back and share all with you, maybe even how he didn't partake in some things that he knew would hurt you.
 

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Thank you everyone for the help! Whether I agree with different opinions or not I sincerely appreciate hearing different types of input.

Crypsys and Workin'- You reassured me that I am not crazy, and although many disagree, what I want is really not too much to expect :) There are many traditions that are wrong- for some people- and this just happens to be one of them for me. Your significant others are very lucky to have you. It seems you treat them as friends rather than just a wife and this is exactly what I want out of my own relationship.

Unbelievable- I do appreciate your feedback, although I would have to question your comparison of someone being uncomfortable with a naked woman grinding on her boyfriend to someone being uncomfortable with adjusting the radio ;)

None of my issues have to do with control but simply, something that I find disrespectful. Although I think its awesome to cash in on "cool girlfriend" points by buying my guy a cigar before I see him or taking a rain check on hanging out if he is playing video games with his friends- I have a little too much respect for myself to cash in on cool points by encouraging him to do something that makes me uncomfortable. And my boyfriend respects THAT.
 

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None of my issues have to do with control but simply, something that I find disrespectful.
You're still ducking the 64,000 dollar question. WHY do you find it disrespectful that he would attend a bachelor party at which stripper's were present? (To say nothing of the fact that he needn't interact with them for the time they are in attendance)

What if he chooses to go anyway? Does that translate into disrespect for you? Do you respect his decision, or do you punish him?

I'm not trying to get you to see that strippers have hearts of gold and remove their clothes only for humanitarian reasons. I don't care about the strippers. I personally find strippers almost as frightening as I find clowns ... I'd be much more worried if he were going to a bachelor party with clowns. OR ... EVEN WORSE ...





What I'm curious about is if your boyfriend is not going because the presence of strippers offends him ... or if he is choosing not to go because the presence of strippers offends you.
 

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"....why should it be allowed and expected to happen each time someone close to him is getting married? "

You chose the word "allowed". My ex didn't start off being a radio dial freak. She started off with seemingly reasonable "suggestions" and "requests" and built from there. If she had been honest enough to say the word "allowed" to me when we were just dating, I'd have recognized what she was and ran like Jesse Owens.
 
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