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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I need some advice.
I have just turned 26yrs old and have been married to my husband (33yrs old) for 3yrs now. My biological clock has started ticking, badly and it doesn’t seem as though my husband is on board at all! We have discussed children before we got married and agreed we wanted them. Now, anytime someone brings up a baby (many around us have already begun or are beginning their families) he claims it’s not happening ever. He acts as he is joking and I let him know that it bothers me when he does this because I feel that to an extent, he means those it. I try not to talk babies too much even though that’s all I seem to think about. I want to be a mother, and a young mother (regardless of the “your too young” crap I hear). He knew this as well. I don’t care to be chasing toddlers when I’m old. Every time I try to bring the subject up, I am criticized for being “baby crazy” and that he’s tired of hearing about it (even though it isn’t often). That he isn’t ready and doesn’t know when he will ever be ready. It makes me sad to feel like I may never be a mother, but I don’t want to continually fight only for him to give in and then not be happy at all. I want announcing a baby to be a happy moment, not a world is ending moment. I am on the pill and have been told by others to just stop taking it and he will be fine either way. I can’t trick him like that. Even though I long for kids, I am terrified of getting pregnant without him actually telling me “lets have a baby”
Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated!
 

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While I don't know the specifics of how strong your marriage is, you may want to take a hard look at the strength of it and whether you husband is feeling fulfilled as a husband and sees a long future for the two of you.

Unless he's suddenly changed his mind about having kids, I'd likely bet that he's not happy with where things are at and KNOWS that children change the dynamics of a marriage considerably and often not for the better in the short term.

It could very well be that he's the one at fault....again, I'm not here to judge you, your husband or your marriage but these are the things that I would examine first. He may just be immature or want to spend more time solidifying/strengthening your bond first....or he may be scared of the responsibilities of having children....or has a co-worker whose told him the horrors of one's sex life after having kids....

All of these are perhaps relevant to him....you need to sit him down and start a conversation. But first I'd encourage you to look deeply at yourself and where things are at between the two of you.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Thank you for the reply.

We are actually in a really good place right now. Have been for quite some time. Hence, I was thinking we've moved on to the next stage. We rarely fight and when a disagreement comes up, we know how to work through it calmly. And not to be too personal but our sex life has been pretty darn good. My girlfriends are actually surprised at the amount of "fun time" we actually have.
We are finally becoming financially stable as we have just recently paid off a large amount of debt. I feel like everything have fallen into place to start a family but he just tells me he isn't ready.
 

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Not sure as a man you ever really ready but for me once we started a family it just clicked. My sons bring a new happiness I never experienced.
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Neither one of us wanted kids right away. We waited 10 years before having a baby.

By then, we were in a very stable relationship and were both emotionally and financially as ready as we could be. She was 29 and I was 30. We had our fun and got good jobs and lived like a spoiled couple for a long time. We were ready.

She was ready before I was and started dropping hints.. usually on our anniversary. I was worried that a baby would kill the relationship - I felt like I had seen that too often.

She thought her clock was ticking too, I suppose it was. Eventually we were pushing 30 and I knew I couldnt say no.. it was either 'have kids or dont' and I wasnt going to refuse her.. so we decided to do it. (Cue 'Ode to Joy' and much festivities.)

Once I got past the fear and we had made the decision I got very excited and 'trying to get pregnant' was a blast and having a baby was a blast and everything was good in the world. It really was a mental hurdle I needed to overcome.. but let me tell you.. when we did I was suddenly tearing down a room to make a nursery and painting things and getting things ready and ordering furniture.. it all seems like a total blur now. Its hard and great and challenging and sweet - its funny how the 15 years I knew her before we had kids now all seems trite and silly and pointless. :) I have never regretted it for even 1 second. Im also glad we waited.. I guess I feel like we did it right 'for us'.

But I think the MOST important reason I/we consider everything a great success is that we decided to do it together. Having a baby is going to make things harder, not easier. You need buy-in on this poject. Its a must have.

You have some time, but you have also 'only' been married 3 years. Everyone knows what you want now, including him... so you are going to have to bring it up sometimes. Not every month please..sheesh! The best way to bring him around is getting your lives, your relationship, your finances, your home.. in order. Yeah - you are never really 'ready' for a baby no atter what you do.. but you can certainly start removing some of the question marks to help grease the skids. You really really really want to come to agreement on this.

Only time will tell if waiting so long was the best choice for us, but it is all going very well - what more can you ask for. I'll be 57 when they start getting out of highschool, but thats not the end of the world I guess. It can work.

Good luck.
 

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I just want to say that you should never just stop taking the pill and get pregnant against his wishes. I know you said you don't feel like doing that and I am not saying you will, but I want to make sure you know it is unacceptable for anyone to do that.

If I were you, I'd just sit down and have a talk with him about where he sees your relationship. Dreald pointed out some good possible points that he may be feeling, but you will never know his true feelings unless you talk to him. We can't read his mind and neither can you, so the only way to get to the bottom of it is to talk with him.
 

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Do not stop taking the pill in a situation like this. I know you want a baby, very badly, but like you said, you want it to be a happy moment, not like a "wtf..." moment.


I'm having the opposite problem. My husband has baby fever, but I don't want to have anymore kids. I have a son from a previous relationship, he doesn't. I know how hard it is to take care of a kid. Although I have not made my decree about it because I respect his feelings too and I so want to make him happy because he's wonderful and I adore him. it's just such a BIG decision.

I find that respecting the person who doesn't want kids, as much as it may hurt, is the best for trio.
 

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Thank you for the reply.

We are actually in a really good place right now. Have been for quite some time. Hence, I was thinking we've moved on to the next stage. We rarely fight and when a disagreement comes up, we know how to work through it calmly. And not to be too personal but our sex life has been pretty darn good. My girlfriends are actually surprised at the amount of "fun time" we actually have.
We are finally becoming financially stable as we have just recently paid off a large amount of debt. I feel like everything have fallen into place to start a family but he just tells me he isn't ready.
Maybe he just wants some breathing room before taking on another huge commitment? It could be that he just sees your timing as piling on just when things are getting good.

Also, regarding the sex, it could be good at the moment. But, are you committed to keeping that up during pregnancy and as a parent with all those demands? And, if so, have you told him that?

Also (in line with an earlier post), does he already have a child? You guys have a fairly sizable age difference given your ages. I could easily see him having had a prior girlfriend or short marriage and you would be bringing up having #2(+).
 

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There are no easy answers when you both want different things. For whatever it's worth, you are demonstrating having a good sensible head on your shoulders - good on you for not listening to those who tell you to ditch the pill. Your H has the right to choose when, and if, wants to be a father. So do you.

I'm a 52 y.o. grandma with wonderful husband and 4 grown up kids. This is my 2nd marriage.

I married my 1st husband at 22, straight after university. We had discussed for years (we were school sweethearts) having children early, so by the time they went to school, I could go back to the workforce with enough years ahead of me to develop a good professional reputation. A year after the wedding when discussing ditching my pill, he said he was not ready to be a father and didn't know when he would be. It broke my heart. A year later we divorced.

My advice to you is to keep talking to him. Understand where he's coming from, but also make him understand how important having children when you are still young is for you. You need to reach consensus to keep a healthy marriage. Compromise or doing what he wants will create resentment and undermine yor relationship.

Just one more thing, don’t forget a basic lesson in biology. Your H can be a first time father at 60, you have roughly 10 years to have a child without multiplying your chances of foetus’ developmental issues or age infertility.
 

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It does sound like you two are not really talking about it. That you are saying you want a baby and he is saying no, not happening.......

well....

tell him you feel it was something you both wanted and you are ready and don't understand why he is not.
Is he planning to leave you one day?
Is he feeling kids are expensive or have cooties or are boring?

What is actually going on in his deepest thoughts?

You don't seem to know.

(things are only good between you if you can communicate this)
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
Thanks so much for all the advice.
I am trying to really consider all of it and think hard about everything. I know I want to be a young mom and he knew that going in. I also know that finances were a big deal as, lets face it, kids aren't cheap by any means. It's Why I've been working so hard to pay off all debt I have. I think in the next few weeks I will have to sit him down and really try to have an honest open conversation about this. He doesn't handle feelings and me expressing them very well but I don't want to just hide what I think. My biggest fear is that he has completely changed his mind about kids and just doesn't know how to tell me without breaking my heart. I pray that's not the case. I try to keep the baby talk to as little as possible if any these days. He's already told me he know's it's all i think about but I don't want to express it so much that he either gives in and in the end isn't happy or that I just drive him crazy.
Like I said, I want starting a family to be a happy and "together" experience. I just hope he is willing to open up to me!
As for things changing like out intimacy, he has expressed very little concern. If anything I express the most! We are well aware that after a baby it will be a bit tough getting somewhat back to normal but it's never been the root of the issue.
 
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