Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 20 of 59 Posts

·
Super Moderator
Joined
·
8,599 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
What we REALLY find attractive

Did a tremendous amount of reading, and learning, post-divorce.

I find the art, science, and at times sheer magic of attraction absolutely fascinating.

Had a great discussion about it on a date last night. Very smart, introspective lady ... oddly enough, remains to be seen if we are attracted to one another :)

Not everyone that we are attracted to is 'good' for us, or any real benchmark for conducting a healthy relationship for that matter.

However, it is truly something when you feel those knots in your stomach, get hot all over, or stumble over your words, by simply being in the presence of someone that does it for you.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
10,162 Posts
However, it is truly something when you feel those knots in your stomach, get hot all over, or stumble over your words, by simply being in the presence of someone that does it for you.
:iagree: Those butterflies in your stomach are a great feeling, aren't they? Did you feel those on your date at all, or too soon to tell?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,975 Posts
Great post! That experience is like an alternate reality where even the most normal things in your daily life have some magic in them. That energy is felt by people you come in contact with as well. It's a "good to be alive" feeling. Best of luck!
 

·
Super Moderator
Joined
·
8,599 Posts
Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Nope. No butterflies.

I have come to accept that attraction is also something that can be built, rather than requiring that immediacy of 'love at first sight'.

I tend to become MORE attracted over time, rather than starting with high attraction and having the passage of time and familiarity whittling it down.

Was a nice first date, nice enough that we agreed on a second to determine where the attraction thing may be going.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,174 Posts
Well, I'd be interested to know how that all works, in nothing but an explanation for my interview thingie. I didn't get hot all over or fumbling or anything like that, I just said, gee, I kind of wish that was a date. Next thing I know we're on a date and I am making all the little moves to encourage him along...cozying up, touching him when talking to make a point...honestly I had no idea I had these skills, I don't think I've every employed them before. It was like being a tadpole and realizing that at some point, I could hop, and was very good at it. WTF? And my work skills seem to have improved as well. He must just bring it all out in me (well, the work skills have something to do with my mentor who introduced us, my mentor being this guy's bona fide business partner...)
 

·
Super Moderator
Joined
·
8,599 Posts
Discussion Starter · #7 ·
So ... there you were ... making the moves ... and voila! You got the guy.

You're like a female pickup-artist.

I didn't make any moves on our date, other than being my charming, engaging self.

She was guarded. She has 'rules' about dating too. Can't fault her for that.
I look forward to seeing her again, because something tells me that there is a very sensitive, expressive, and loving person under the detached exterior I met last night.

I was looking for the signals, and they were quite mixed. So it's also possible I'm being considered for 'friend zone' ... which I ain't interested in.

We shall see.

Well, I'd be interested to know how that all works, in nothing but an explanation for my interview thingie. I didn't get hot all over or fumbling or anything like that, I just said, gee, I kind of wish that was a date. Next thing I know we're on a date and I am making all the little moves to encourage him along...cozying up, touching him when talking to make a point...honestly I had no idea I had these skills, I don't think I've every employed them before. It was like being a tadpole and realizing that at some point, I could hop, and was very good at it. WTF? And my work skills seem to have improved as well. He must just bring it all out in me (well, the work skills have something to do with my mentor who introduced us, my mentor being this guy's bona fide business partner...)
 

·
Super Moderator
Joined
·
8,599 Posts
Discussion Starter · #8 ·
My attraction radar can be very odd at times. I have read, and stated numerous times on these boards that attraction isn't really a choice ... particularly when it's someone that out of the blue takes your breath away.

That would be nice ... but it isn't a requirement.

There is without question, a very specific kind of woman to whom I am drawn like a moth to a flame.

I'm not interested in the Angelina Jolie's or Eva Longoria's or Kim Kardashian's.

My celebrity ideal is Anna Torv. Crazy attracted to that woman.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,174 Posts
So ... there you were ... making the moves ... and voila! You got the guy.

You're like a female pickup-artist.

I didn't make any moves on our date, other than being my charming, engaging self.

She was guarded. She has 'rules' about dating too. Can't fault her for that.
I look forward to seeing her again, because something tells me that there is a very sensitive, expressive, and loving person under the detached exterior I met last night.

I was looking for the signals, and they were quite mixed. So it's also possible I'm being considered for 'friend zone' ... which I ain't interested in.

We shall see.
Well, that was on the real date, the dinner date that happened a few weeks later (given his travel and Thanksgiving in between.)

I did nothing on the first meeting except to try not to be hired. So basically I dressed as I pleased and would for work if I were hired, and told him all about my somewhat rogue lifestyle, thinking that I did not want to be involved with working for some stuffy suit on some boring programming thing where I would be worked to death and no amount of compensation really covering the (imagined) hit to my lifestyle. As I told the guy who introduced us (his business partner who is now my appointed academic and work mentor) in terms of the hiring process I probably left skidmarks on the sidewalks of (city name) where I did my best not to be budged by the 'suit', but in the end I had to submit as the more I tried to be unqualified, the more qualified I became. So finally I was convinced that if all my weird lifestyle and work habits were acceptable (and even, he said appreciated) I had better think about signing on the dotted line if offered work. It's still kind of boring work, however, I'm latched into it so it's not really all that boring, have some ideas, and will probably re-visit a client I used to have, with a solution from new business team.

During the subsequent dinner date, I have no clue what came over me. The last two times we've got together for dinner and social time he's busted the first moves, but then there's turn-taking. I'll only see him in the workplace and I have a very very good poker face and in any case there is way more than enough work to keep my brain engaged in - work! Trust me, there will be no time for shenanigans, what's good for the business is good for my eventual bottom line - profitability pays the hired staff and I want to make sure I get the rate agreed upon, and in a timely manner as well.


I still don't understand how I got the moves I used at dinner the first "real" date. I'm 100% certain I've never used them before, I'm 48, and I know for sure. I would remember. If I were on a boat, I would have been the guy waving all the semaphore flags, one after another, the signalling was that overt (but subtly overt, in context.) Like, I remarked on the bench seat, and that we could get in and hang out instead of going for a walk.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
10,214 Posts
What we REALLY find attractive


Not everyone that we are attracted to is 'good' for us, or any real benchmark for conducting a healthy relationship for that matter.
:iagree:
Ah ha!
I had to learn this the HARD way.
The first woman I had ever had that " fatal attraction " to was one I met at a beach party.
Funny thing is, my wife [ before we were married ] was also at that party and was trying hard to get my attention.
However my attention was focused on this other
" femme fatale."
We got together started dating and having mind blowing sex.
However she still cheated on me.

Thank goodness my wife was still there.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,165 Posts
Never been any rhyme or reason - I'm either attracted to you or I'm not

Attraction tends not to 'build' for me

The only two long term relationships I've ever been in I was physically attracted straight away. Unfortunately both turned out to have personalities that were massive turn offs after a while

That's something I might want to think about working on :)

But I am a physical being, I can't help it. You could be the sweetest, funniest guy in the world but if I don't fancy you it ain't happening. That's not to say I only go for 'good looking' types - I generally don't. It's more a twinkle in the eye that gets me
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,587 Posts
Growing up, in the times that I visited my mother, I never attributed my step-father to have a lot of wisdom. In fact, some of the things he was known for were downright comical. But he did notice and comment on how I seemed to judge who to date based at least partly on what others thought. If someone was considered to be the most attractive, that's who I asked out. He told me that emotional growth in a man brings with it a very unique perception of beauty in others. He was right. There are features that I cannot even hardly describe that I find instantly attractive. Oddly enough, I've realized that some of these traits that I tend to distinguish remind me of people who went out of their way to be kind to me in the years when I was sperated from most of my family in childhood, traits that I equate with compassion or happiness.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
0 Posts
i wish i was the type to have attraction build with time; instead it starts out high and just deteriorates if no effort is made to maintain it.
once it's gone, it apparently stays that way regardless of efforts made.
what i seem to find attractive changes constantly and is aligned to issues within my marriage.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
4,714 Posts
My thoughts are that many men think about what’s attractive to him in the women he sees. Such that they don’t even see it when a woman is attracted to him. They don’t know the unspoken signals and messages women send to him when they are attracted to him. Other women do though! I heard a woman who is attracted to a man sends up to five non verbal courtship messages and if he hasn’t cottoned on by then she gives up.

Way too many men focus on the women they’re attracted to and upping their “verbally spoken game” to get a date etc. with them. While at the same time they’re seemingly blind to those women who are actually attracted to him.

These men are far better served by learning about and reading body language. Most especially courtship body language, courtship without a word being spoken. Just like any other animal in the animal kingdom.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
10,214 Posts
i wish i was the type to have attraction build with time; instead it starts out high and just deteriorates if no effort is made to maintain it.
once it's gone, it apparently stays that way regardless of efforts made.
what i seem to find attractive changes constantly and is aligned to issues within my marriage.
I too, fine that attraction changes over time.
I' not just talking about with my wife , but women in general.
What I used to be attracted too when I was in my 20 no longer attract me.
I think the author of the article made reference to that.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
20,775 Posts
I too, fine that attraction changes over time.
I' not just talking about with my wife , but women in general.
What I used to be attracted too when I was in my 20 no longer attract me.
I think the author of the article made reference to that.
:scratchhead:

Funny, I got that too, it seems I'm moving away from being attracted to the younger ladies, to the more mature ladies around my age.

My thoughts are that many men think about what’s attractive to him in the women he sees. Such that they don’t even see it when a woman is attracted to him.
:scratchhead:

For me it's always been just a case of gut feeling and I always end up right most of the time with everyone else also noticing it. It doesn't bother me though, I just play dumb until it gets out of hand or my wife swoops on them

While at the same time they’re seemingly blind to those women who are actually attracted to him.
Or maybe they just play dumb! :)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,558 Posts
My thoughts are that many men think about what’s attractive to him in the women he sees. Such that they don’t even see it when a woman is attracted to him. They don’t know the unspoken signals and messages women send to him when they are attracted to him. Other women do though! I heard a woman who is attracted to a man sends up to five non verbal courtship messages and if he hasn’t cottoned on by then she gives up.

Way too many men focus on the women they’re attracted to and upping their “verbally spoken game” to get a date etc. with them. While at the same time they’re seemingly blind to those women who are actually attracted to him.

These men are far better served by learning about and reading body language. Most especially courtship body language, courtship without a word being spoken. Just like any other animal in the animal kingdom.
And us men would like the ability to be able to read those signals better. Problem is, the fear that if we think something is a signal and we turn out to be wrong.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
10,221 Posts
I have felt that attraction that just guts your stomach and sinks your heart maybe 5 or 6 times in this lifetime. Male and female. I married one of them.

But I find that to be from reincarnation and knowing the souls in another lifetime. Soul mates, if you will. It's a wonderful feeling and it hasn't happened to me in a while, until recently. It is always fun to dig around in those emotions and figure out why you're so attracted to someone you don't even know, and yet you feel like you've known them forever. :) Good shet.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
14,147 Posts
Nope. No butterflies.

I have come to accept that attraction is also something that can be built, rather than requiring that immediacy of 'love at first sight'.
Deejo... just saying... this is how I felt about my husband... I almost feel stupid saying I didn't have this when we met.. when so many go on about this in their early Love Stories, like this turbulent upsurge of Butterflies overtook them throwing their stomachs in knots....... it was more of a "building", a warm fuzzy thing, security /comfort...the emotional attachment grew as our friendship flourished...for me.

Now on his end...well .. the whole "love at 1st site thing" was going on.

I'm just not a proponent that one has to have these....He was good looking "enough" ...He was my Body type....so he was Do-able, ya know.... but it was what followed up for us...as time revealed the whole package of who he was..and how we "fit" together.

When my daughter starts to feel all that -I'll be sure to clue her in, this is not the end all or any future prediction of lasting love. The Butterflies come & they go.


I did have some butterflies around one guy that was....well.... drop dead gorgeous.... who was calling me back then.... but I still stayed with my bf/now husband... I knew he was the better choice - for what I was ultimately looking for.
 
1 - 20 of 59 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top