Attracted to Coworker

11646 Views 134 Replies 34 Participants Last post by D0nnivain, 10 mo ago

EB123

Discussion Starter · Jan 9, 2022

For the past few months I’ve developed an attraction to my coworker. We are both teachers. I’m married. She’s not. I haven’t acted on this attraction, but it’s there. We’ve both acknowledged it and that’s as far as it’s gone.
I don’t want to have an affair, I love my husband very much. But this attraction is something I can’t explain. It’s stronger than I am and I need some help dealing with this. Do I tell my husband? Do I quit my job? It’s the middle of the year that not as easy as it sounds walking out on a classroom of students. Any advice is welcome. Thanks.

101 - 120 of 135 Posts

cp3o

· #101 · Jan 10, 2022

Rob_1 said:
There are forces within any species that gear towards that that ensures the most successful outcome, whether consciously or directed.

Nonsense - there is no way that the members of a species can consciously know what would be the most successful way to achieve an outcome.

If by "direction" you mean our evolved DNA - yup - We are DNA factories. Elephants make more elephant DNA, oaks produce more oak DNA, gnats make more gnat DNA and humans make more human DNA.

If you mean something other than DNA - what?

So that we don't go to far, take humans males for example; on a primeval basis, without specific cultural bias, most of them around the world would prefer and be attracted to the almost hour glass figure of females in order to mate and procreate, now take that female figure and let's say for example that for some biological reason, females with that shape can't after a while procreate, the pressure on males would be to switch to let's say for example to a pear shape female that is fertile every time. Here natural selection is taking place,and in humans is not only instinctive, but also a choice.

No -
1- You assume that men only want to mate with women who are going to produce their children - even though they cannot tell whether a women can have children. That is contrary to human behaviour.
2 - You misunderstand "natural" selection - under your scenario natural selection would result in a mainly pear-shaped population of women and men's preferences would become irrelevant.

[/QUOTE]
I hope you enjoyed your film - I suggest next time you have a couple of spare hours you read up on natural selection

Rob_1

· #102 · Jan 11, 2022

cp3o said:
Nonsense - there is no way that the members of a species can consciously know what would be the most successful way to achieve an outcome.

If by "direction" you mean our evolved DNA - yup - We are DNA factories. Elephants make more elephant DNA, oaks produce more oak DNA, gnats make more gnat DNA and humans make more human DNA.

If you mean something other than DNA - what?

No -
1- You assume that men only want to mate with women who are going to produce their children - even though they cannot tell whether a women can have children. That is contrary to human behaviour.
2 - You misunderstand "natural" selection - under your scenario natural selection would result in a mainly pear-shaped population of women and men's preferences would become irrelevant.

I hope you enjoyed your film - I suggest next time you have a couple of spare hours you read up on natural selection
[/QUOTE]

So we don't have to thread Jack, I will just tell you that no, I don't need to read on natural selection. As a trained scientist in the biological sciences, I have studied all about it.

Since this is not the forum for such a topic, I would welcome you to open such topic on the appropriate forum (social forum)? Where scientific postulates can be debated. I would joint you there. Peace.

EB123

Discussion Starter · #103 · Jan 13, 2022

Update:

I cut the female coworker off, completely. Zero communication happening there.

And I told my husband. He yelled, I got hit, and he moved to the man cave above the outdoor garage. I’m not sure what to do now, but give him time.

Reactions: 3

maquiscat

· #104 · Jan 13, 2022

EB123 said:
Update:

I cut the female coworker off, completely. Zero communication happening there.

And I told my husband. He yelled, I got hit, and he moved to the man cave above the outdoor garage. I’m not sure what to do now, but give him time.

I don't care if you had a full out affair. No one deserves to be hit. And to be hit for only being attracted and mentioning it to the coworker, but not even taking it to an EA, is way beyond the pale. This had better be a one time thing, because if hitting outside a negotiated scene is a regular thing then you need to leave him!

Reactions: 5

QuietGuy

· #105 · Jan 13, 2022

His response is an over reaction on every level. You did not cheat. You did what a great spouse should do. You should report him to the police, especially if this is not the 1st time he has hit you. If it is the 1st time and you don't want to report him, make sure he knows that if it ever happens again he will be reported. Is he always this volatile? If so he should seek IC for his anger issues. Give him time, but do not allow him to emotionally or physically abuse you. He is so far over the line. If you read a lot of threads here, you will see that the vast majority of BS do react this poorly when they find an actual affair.

Reactions: 1

EB123

Discussion Starter · #106 · Jan 13, 2022

QuietGuy said:
His response is an over reaction on every level. You did not cheat. You did what a great spouse should do. You should report him to the police, especially if this is not the 1st time he has hit you. If it is the 1st time and you don't want to report him, make sure he knows that if it ever happens again he will be reported. Is he always this volatile? If so he should seek IC for his anger issues. Give him time, but do not allow him to emotionally or physically abuse you. He is so far over the line. If you read a lot of threads here, you will see that the vast majority of BS do react this poorly when they find an actual affair.

This is a first time. He can have anger issues. Which is why I was on the fence about telling him, but I know I did the right thing in telling him.
He’s a former cop, retired from the force and is now the county coroner. Makes reporting him and anything being done not so easy in a small town.

DownByTheRiver

· #107 · Jan 13, 2022

EB123 said:
This is a first time. He can have anger issues. Which is why I was on the fence about telling him, but I know I did the right thing in telling him.
He’s a former cop, retired from the force and is now the county coroner. Makes reporting him and anything being done not so easy in a small town.

Hey, good cops don't like bad cops, so report his abuse and take your chances. But it's vital you make a written report that they can't ignore. You can't just tell them but refuse to fill out a report or let them talk you out of it. And you should take a photo immediately of the red mark a hit will leave. Nothing much will happen the first incident, but it might just stop him from ever doing it again. Because once you let that happen, there is more to come once they know you don't do anything about it.

Reactions: 1

ThatDarnGuy!

· #108 · Jan 13, 2022

EB123 said:
For the past few months I’ve developed an attraction to my coworker. We are both teachers. I’m married. She’s not. I haven’t acted on this attraction, but it’s there. We’ve both acknowledged it and that’s as far as it’s gone.
I don’t want to have an affair, I love my husband very much. But this attraction is something I can’t explain. It’s stronger than I am and I need some help dealing with this. Do I tell my husband? Do I quit my job? It’s the middle of the year that not as easy as it sounds walking out on a classroom of students. Any advice is welcome. Thanks.

So it sounds like you are on the verge of going for it. You are willing to throw away your marriage, career, respect, and possibly her job all for a coworker who you are physically attracted to???

Physical attraction is just a fraction of being successful in a relationship.

EB123

Discussion Starter · #109 · Jan 13, 2022

ThatDarnGuy! said:
So it sounds like you are on the verge of going for it. You are willing to throw away your marriage, career, respect, and possibly her job all for a coworker who you are physically attracted to???

Physical attraction is just a fraction of being successful in a relationship.

I cut the female coworker off, completely. Zero communication happening there.

Reactions: 4

Rob_1

· #110 · Jan 13, 2022

Well, the cat's out of the bag so to speak. Based on his reaction the mistrust seed has been planted in his mind. It's going to be difficult for him to rationalize that he has nothing to worry about from now on.
Sorry to be pessimistic, but this might be the beginning of the end as far as he's concerned in the long run.

Diana7

· #111 · Jan 13, 2022

Noman said:
@ConanHub Well I sure as hell am! I don't swing that way. I agree about the vows of course.

@Diana7 there are many paths in life. Open your mind a little.

@EB123 I would ignore this guy. He's just enjoying beating up on you.

I do think you should tell your husband, though. I don't like being played the fool, I don't think many men do. It doesn't sound like anything really serious has happened to this point, and I think being honest with your husband will make you both feel better: get it off your chest and boost his confidence in you and your marriage.

Ah, the master finally shows up. @EB123 Grok @maquiscat , he walks a different path, but is well worth listening to.

Yes there are many paths in life. In this case cheating or not cheating.

Reactions: 1

EB123

Discussion Starter · #112 · Jan 13, 2022

Rob_1 said:
Well, the cat's out of the bag so to speak. Based on his reaction the mistrust seed has been planted in his mind. It's going to be difficult for him to rationalize that he has nothing to worry about from now on.
Sorry to be pessimistic, but this might be the beginning of the end as far as he's concerned in the long run.

Yep, the cat is out of the bag Rob_1. And I don’t have any more secrets, just a bruised face.

Angie?or…

· #113 · Jan 13, 2022

Hitting is totally not ok. Ever. I think you should file a report, though it’s true other police may not be helpful, and document any visible injuries, as @DownByTheRiver said. If you feel at all in danger, move yourself to a shelter for abused women. Consult a lawyer. Doesn’t sound like he is interested in fixing this, so start planning your escape.

If he comes around, and you actually want to keep your marriage, make it clear that there is a zero tolerance policy for hitting. He needs therapy and anger management and if he ever lays a hand on you again, that is the end. Physical abuse escalates, you could wind up dead. Please take this seriously. Be safe!

Reactions: 2

Rob_1

· #114 · Jan 13, 2022

EB123 said:
Yep, the cat is out of the bag Rob_1. And I don’t have any more secrets, just a bruised face.

If you let him get away with hitting you this time, he might feel entitled next time he's angry to do it again. You cannot let this pass. Is up to you to let it pass this time (which I don't advice),but if he ever tries again, then you know it really is the end.

BigDaddyNY

· #115 · Jan 13, 2022

EB123 said:
Update:

I cut the female coworker off, completely. Zero communication happening there.

And I told my husband. He yelled, I got hit, and he moved to the man cave above the outdoor garage. I’m not sure what to do now, but give him time.

Please do not let him get away with that. No one should stand for being a victim of domestic violence, even a cheater.

DLC

· #116 · Jan 13, 2022

To OP, don’t tell your husband unless you plan on leaving him.

Do you love him or still be attracted to him? That’s two total different things.

if you want to stay with your husband, then cut all ties with the other one. No 1 to 1 meeting or communication, state to him 100% clear the feeling is not going anywhere, you love husband, and stop it right here right now. Then plan some weekend trips with your husband, do something new, something exciting. Working on the marriage instead of Thinking about the other one.

BigDaddyNY

· #117 · Jan 13, 2022

DLC said:
To OP, don’t tell your husband unless you plan on leaving him.

Do you love him or still be attracted to him? That’s two total different things.

if you want to stay with your husband, then cut all ties with the other one. No 1 to 1 meeting or communication, state to him 100% clear the feeling is not going anywhere, you love husband, and stop it right here right now. Then plan some weekend trips with your husband, do something new, something exciting. Working on the marriage instead of Thinking about the other one.

LOL, behind a little? She cut ties, told him and got hit for it.

QuietGuy

· #118 · Jan 13, 2022

If you have a bruised face see a doctor, get pictures and file a report. Do it right away. Don't assume the local police will cover it up. There are lots of options outside your town. You know it and they know it. If things go well you do not need to pursue it down the road, but you need solid documentation just in case. He was a police officer so he knows how serious his actions were. If he was not profusely apologizing and asking for forgiveness within a couple of hours, you have a huge potential problem. If this is his reaction to something so small, what would he do if he suspected something bigger in the future.

Reactions: 2

Noman

· #119 · Jan 14, 2022

@EB123 I am SO sorry to hear about this. I can just imagine what he used to do to suspects.

I completely understand your reluctance to report this because I'm guessing he would be arrested. I know where I live it's a done deal, you hit your spouse and the police are called, you get arrested. My wife's female cousin got arrested for hitting her husband.

I would guess the same would be true if you told your doctor, they are probably required to report it to the police.

At least take some pictures & put them in a safe place. Hmmm, maybe fill out an affidavit and get it notarized?

Please be safe!!!

Evinrude58

· #120 · Jan 14, 2022

So he hit you in a one-off event when he was told his wife was attracted to another person, told the person……..
My thoughts are that a slap is one thing, a punch is another.
I am kind of surprised that she was honest and told her husband and told him she had cut all contact and he reacted by hitting her. I’d have thought he’d be hurt deeply and in shock, but wouldn’t have reacted with violence. But everyone is different.
It’s up to OP if she feels this is something to go to the police for, or if she feels her husband wouldn’t do that again. I personally think going to the police over a one-off event in a high stress situation and she doesn’t feel in danger, is the thing to do. But if she plans on divorcing him I suppose it would. If she goes to the police and files domestic abuse charges, she is likely to get papers filed on her. I would.
There is no way I’d hit a woman, but getting told you’ve been cheated on is a rough emotional ride. There’s no telling how someone will react. A person may not even know how they’ll react

OP, what are your plans from here? What has been your husband’s demeanor since the incident?

I think you did right telling him OP. Very sorry you got hit over it.

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