Talk About Marriage banner
1 - 20 of 124 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
27 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
For the past few months I’ve developed an attraction to my coworker. We are both teachers. I’m married. She’s not. I haven’t acted on this attraction, but it’s there. We’ve both acknowledged it and that’s as far as it’s gone.
I don’t want to have an affair, I love my husband very much. But this attraction is something I can’t explain. It’s stronger than I am and I need some help dealing with this. Do I tell my husband? Do I quit my job? It’s the middle of the year that not as easy as it sounds walking out on a classroom of students. Any advice is welcome. Thanks.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
18,647 Posts
Well, I've encountered the attraction you are describing and still stayed faithful to my wife, who I love, despite it.

Do you love your husband?

How long have you been married?

Do you have children?

All good things to know.

Strong attractions happen. I have had several while being committed to Mrs. Conan for 30 years and managed to not stray.

I can put things in their place and attractions are interesting but not to be acted upon. Adults deal with this and make choices.
Choose your husband and your marriage.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,532 Posts
The way way I see it you must be either a bisexual or homosexual woman. Sooner or later mother nature was coming to knock on your door for you to be attracted to another woman to this level. You are what you are, but it would be extremely unfair to your husband for him to not know about your sexual orientation. You need to understand that at some time, now or in the future you will act on your homosexual tendencies. Inform him so that he can make an informed decision.

I tell you, as a man I couldn't never for a second stay with a woman that is attracted to women, because I understand that in the end eventually she would leave me for another woman. This is what eventually will be your real struggle. No fair to your husband, plus if you are really this attracted to this other woman, you really, really do not love your husband. You might love him, but not in love with him, because if you were in love with him you wouldn't be into another person male or female.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,968 Posts
The way way I see it you must be either a bisexual or homosexual woman. Sooner or later mother nature was coming to knock on your door for you to be attracted to another woman to this level. You are what you are, but it would be extremely unfair to your husband for him to not know about your sexual orientation. You need to understand that at some time, now or in the future you will act on your homosexual tendencies. Inform him so that he can make an informed decision.

I tell you, as a man I couldn't never for a second stay with a woman that is attracted to women, because I understand that in the end eventually she would leave me for another woman. This is what eventually will be your real struggle. No fair to your husband, plus if you are really this attracted to this other woman, you really, really do not love your husband. You might love him, but not in love with him, because if you were in love with him you wouldn't be into another person male or female.
plus, being Bi, it simply doubles the number of potential cheating partners for them. It is hard enough to keep the guys away from my wife. If she was Bi, I'd have to worry about everyone as a 'potential'
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,071 Posts
yeah, you need to discuss this with your husband.
it may be that you are bisexual, and suddenly realize it by way of you being attracted to this other woman.
is the other woman lebian, or bisexual?
would she be interested in three way sex with you and your husband, assuming hubby is up for that?

Generally speaking, workplace affairs are a VERY bad idea. they affect your job performance. and if you ever DO break up, it is like hell to keep going to the same job seeing this person you used to love but now hate for the next 10 years or so....so consider that too.

BTW there are PLENTY of bisexuals who marry heterosexually and NEVER have same sex partners afterwords. they are happy perhaps watching some lesbian porn from time to time. Maybe she can be just a really good friend of yours, but no sex, not even kissing
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
9,507 Posts
Is this your first attraction to a woman or have you had them before and ultimately chose your husband over women?

I think you should have a stronger self-discipline than to have to quit your job over this. If as you say it's out in the open between you two then I think you need to tell her you're not going to interact with her anymore than you absolutely have to and have decided not to go down that path. Then you just do it.

Does your husband know already that you are bi or at least have had some passing attraction to women whether you acted on it or not?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
27 Posts
Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Is this your first attraction to a woman or have you had them before and ultimately chose your husband over women?

I think you should have a stronger self-discipline than to have to quit your job over this. If as you say it's out in the open between you two then I think you need to tell her you're not going to interact with her anymore than you absolutely have to and have decided not to go down that path. Then you just do it.

Does your husband know already that you are bi or at least have had some passing attraction to women whether you acted on it or not?
Yes my husband knows. I was married to a woman before I was married to him.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
1,968 Posts
Also consider that you may not be cut out for marriage. You don't have a great track record. You married a woman and presumably divorced her. Married and man and now you are falling for a woman. A pattern is emerging.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,071 Posts
Yes my husband knows. I was married to a woman before I was married to him.
that is an important point. Your husband knows you are bisexual.

did you ever discuss with him exactly how your marriage sex life was going to go? Like did you ever mention that you might from time to time find a lesbian partner? And how did he react to that, or was there an agreement that you would be monogamous from the start of your marriage to him?

so the biggest impedement to discussing this with your husband, that you are bisexual, he already knows. So why exactly are you NOT discussing this with him?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
559 Posts
This attraction is NOT stronger than you are.

It's called lust.

You didn't answer Conan's question. Do you have kids?
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
9,507 Posts
Yes my husband knows. I was married to a woman before I was married to him.
Well then I just think you need to realize that you are in full control of yourself and exercise your self-discipline and put an end to it with her. Anything else is just going to make a big mess. We all get attraction to other people sometimes but that certainly doesn't mean we have to act on it. You just make yourself stop dwelling on it and change your focus.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
27 Posts
Discussion Starter · #16 ·
that is an important point. Your husband knows you are bisexual.

did you ever discuss with him exactly how your marriage sex life was going to go? Like did you ever mention that you might from time to time find a lesbian partner? And how did he react to that, or was there an agreement that you would be monogamous from the start of your marriage to him?

so the biggest impedement to discussing this with your husband, that you are bisexual, he already knows. So why exactly are you NOT discussing this with him?
We agreed to be monogamous.

Good point. I should discuss this with him.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
559 Posts
Listen, I don't say this to be mean or judgmental, but you obviously don't know who you are. It would behoove you to get into counseling to figure it out. Don't make your life even more complicated by acting on this attraction. Get into counseling. You owe it to yourself!!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
200 Posts
Well, I've encountered the attraction you are describing and still stayed faithful to my wife, who I love, despite it.
@ConanHub I assume you weren't attracted to another dude.

I had a similar experience with a co-worker. The attraction was 100% mutual. I could have nailed her, wanted to nail her, but didn't.

It was hard (in more ways than one), but that's what vows are all about.

@EB123 please accept my condolences for your loss.

This is an interesting dynamic.

I would be interested in hearing some input from @maquiscat.
 
1 - 20 of 124 Posts
Top