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Attracted to Coworker

13K views 134 replies 34 participants last post by  D0nnivain 
#1 ·
For the past few months I’ve developed an attraction to my coworker. We are both teachers. I’m married. She’s not. I haven’t acted on this attraction, but it’s there. We’ve both acknowledged it and that’s as far as it’s gone.
I don’t want to have an affair, I love my husband very much. But this attraction is something I can’t explain. It’s stronger than I am and I need some help dealing with this. Do I tell my husband? Do I quit my job? It’s the middle of the year that not as easy as it sounds walking out on a classroom of students. Any advice is welcome. Thanks.
 
#3 ·
Well, I've encountered the attraction you are describing and still stayed faithful to my wife, who I love, despite it.

Do you love your husband?

How long have you been married?

Do you have children?

All good things to know.

Strong attractions happen. I have had several while being committed to Mrs. Conan for 30 years and managed to not stray.

I can put things in their place and attractions are interesting but not to be acted upon. Adults deal with this and make choices.
Choose your husband and your marriage.
 
#20 ·
Well, I've encountered the attraction you are describing and still stayed faithful to my wife, who I love, despite it.
@ConanHub I assume you weren't attracted to another dude.

I had a similar experience with a co-worker. The attraction was 100% mutual. I could have nailed her, wanted to nail her, but didn't.

It was hard (in more ways than one), but that's what vows are all about.

@EB123 please accept my condolences for your loss.

This is an interesting dynamic.

I would be interested in hearing some input from @maquiscat.
 
#4 ·
The way way I see it you must be either a bisexual or homosexual woman. Sooner or later mother nature was coming to knock on your door for you to be attracted to another woman to this level. You are what you are, but it would be extremely unfair to your husband for him to not know about your sexual orientation. You need to understand that at some time, now or in the future you will act on your homosexual tendencies. Inform him so that he can make an informed decision.

I tell you, as a man I couldn't never for a second stay with a woman that is attracted to women, because I understand that in the end eventually she would leave me for another woman. This is what eventually will be your real struggle. No fair to your husband, plus if you are really this attracted to this other woman, you really, really do not love your husband. You might love him, but not in love with him, because if you were in love with him you wouldn't be into another person male or female.
 
#5 ·
The way way I see it you must be either a bisexual or homosexual woman. Sooner or later mother nature was coming to knock on your door for you to be attracted to another woman to this level. You are what you are, but it would be extremely unfair to your husband for him to not know about your sexual orientation. You need to understand that at some time, now or in the future you will act on your homosexual tendencies. Inform him so that he can make an informed decision.

I tell you, as a man I couldn't never for a second stay with a woman that is attracted to women, because I understand that in the end eventually she would leave me for another woman. This is what eventually will be your real struggle. No fair to your husband, plus if you are really this attracted to this other woman, you really, really do not love your husband. You might love him, but not in love with him, because if you were in love with him you wouldn't be into another person male or female.
plus, being Bi, it simply doubles the number of potential cheating partners for them. It is hard enough to keep the guys away from my wife. If she was Bi, I'd have to worry about everyone as a 'potential'
 
#6 ·
yeah, you need to discuss this with your husband.
it may be that you are bisexual, and suddenly realize it by way of you being attracted to this other woman.
is the other woman lebian, or bisexual?
would she be interested in three way sex with you and your husband, assuming hubby is up for that?

Generally speaking, workplace affairs are a VERY bad idea. they affect your job performance. and if you ever DO break up, it is like hell to keep going to the same job seeing this person you used to love but now hate for the next 10 years or so....so consider that too.

BTW there are PLENTY of bisexuals who marry heterosexually and NEVER have same sex partners afterwords. they are happy perhaps watching some lesbian porn from time to time. Maybe she can be just a really good friend of yours, but no sex, not even kissing
 
#7 ·
Is this your first attraction to a woman or have you had them before and ultimately chose your husband over women?

I think you should have a stronger self-discipline than to have to quit your job over this. If as you say it's out in the open between you two then I think you need to tell her you're not going to interact with her anymore than you absolutely have to and have decided not to go down that path. Then you just do it.

Does your husband know already that you are bi or at least have had some passing attraction to women whether you acted on it or not?
 
#17 ·
Listen, I don't say this to be mean or judgmental, but you obviously don't know who you are. It would behoove you to get into counseling to figure it out. Don't make your life even more complicated by acting on this attraction. Get into counseling. You owe it to yourself!!
 
#23 ·
How long has your 'infatuation' with this person been going on? How long ago did you tell that peson that you are attracted to them?

It's no unusual for a person to develop an attraction to someone they see often such as a coworker. We really don't have much control over who we are attracted to. But we have 100% control over how we act on it.

Your best bet is to end all no-work interactions with this person. Since you have already told the person of your feelings you should probably tell them that you don't want this to do further with them and that your friendship with them is over.

Does your husband know that you are attracted to this person?
 
#25 ·
It started around the middle of October. I told her in December that it was difficult to be around her, working closely with her because I’m attracted to her. Admitting that she feels the same didn’t help me at all.

I don’t think he knows I’m attracted to her.
 
#29 ·
The attraction is there not because you want it there, as many attractions in a sense of recognizing beauty (physical, spiritual) is natural ... it is there and questionable because you have a feeling of wanting to pursue it.

That is the desire that will cause undue suffering in your marriage.

So, this feeling of pursuit is what you need to understand so you can put it in its proper place... our thoughts will often come and go but it is a mistake to invite the harmful ones in for tea.

What is it about this perceived intimacy that creates such a path for loving yourself less?

Some will say to think about your marriage, and that is valid, but there is truth in loving yourself more that will give you better clarity as to why you would want to hurt yourself first by such actions as disregarding the promises made. Your husband will suffer the waves from the action, but the action itself is yours to own.

You know it is unhealthy... if you do not find the why now, this lesson will be repeated.

Honestly... life is trying to teach you something.

Listen.
 
#30 ·
Wisdom is often overlooked when many fingers point in another way. I would just like to raise my hand and point back at this post and ad that feelings leading you to what you know is darkness are feelings best ignored. Feelings are fleeting, love as a verb, not a feeling is what built everything we have inherited, worth having.
 
#31 ·
My take on this is pretty simple. There has been a lot of focus on the fact that you are bisexual. In my mind this has absolutely nothing to do with the equation. The attraction to someone is still attraction no matter the sex. The solution is the same in either case. Don’t act upon it ! I understand your plight. We have female friend of my wife that we have known since teenage years. We both are high drive and very well matched sexuality.... the attraction is there but we would never act upon it. I’m The Godfather of her child and I have removed her and moved her from 2 failed relationships so the protection dynamics are there as well. All this being said I honor my wife by choice and commitment. You can do the same.
There is a biased dynamic when it comes to bisexual women and cheating. As a man I get it. It’s sexy ...... but it is still cheating. Some couples work that into there marriage in ways that work for them but that is a real slippery slope and I doubt the success rate is very good.

I really sorry about your previous partner. That must have been very difficult. I lost my dad 4 days ago and while it isn’t the same it is a view in your window.
 
#33 ·
I have been in this situation but I was in your husband's place. First thing you need to do is tell your husband. If you feel that this attraction is stronger then you are then it is only a matter of time before something does happen. He has a right to now so he can make a decision as to what is best for him.
 
#36 ·
Or he might be able to help out!
lets say you are attracted by her at work one day, you text your husband and say "i am leaving work early, i need you home RIGHT NOW!", and fulfill your sexual lust with him instead!

someone did say that the fact this is lesbian attraction has nothing to do with it. i somewhat disagree, men often look at their wives being sexually attracted to another woman as less threatening, some even find it sexy. that is why i suggest you discuss it with him. he might, for instance, give you a hall pass, say once a month, to be with her.
 
#44 ·
It was wrong for you to acknowledge your attraction to your co-worker with her. You should have kept your mouth shut. Now that it's out there, it's more real.

At this point it is a matter of self-control. You need better self-talk for the rest of the school year. You remind yourself that you love your husband & that you promised him fidelity. You remind yourself that she is completely off limits. Then you do everything in your power to avoid this OW as much as possible. No matter what you NEVER be alone with her, especially involving alcohol. You do not text her. You do not befriend her on social media. You go out of your way to avoid her at all costs.

As soon as the school year is over, you make plans to change jobs.

If you are unwilling to do all of the above, kiss your marriage good bye.
 
#61 ·
Jumping into dating again doesn't seem so bad. Switching genders AND jumping into marriage so quickly seems ill-advised.

However, to her credit, the OP has decided to cut contact with this work crush & focus on her marriage so I wish her well with that. She identified the problem, stumbled, reached out for help & is now making the right choice.
 
#65 ·
So where does it end?

Think about it. How many other people along your journey are you going to be attracted to. Are you going to act on it every time and let the desires of your flesh and emotions control you?

This is what separates humans from animals.

You also know right from wrong, and if you don't you've got a bigger problem here than being attracted to this woman.
 
#70 ·
@EB123 , do you love your husband above all else? Before my wife (common law wife for the purists) had an EA, I would have stepped in front of a bus for her, now, not so much. You are already in an EA. Your relationship with your husband is already a lesser connection.

Why not let the man go and find someone willing to step in front of that bus for him? My wife says she will do that now for me and if I had reason to doubt her, I would have been gone already. It's not as healthy as it could have been, where each of us were willing to do so for the other, but her choices determined my disposition.

All you have left to look forward to is this damaged relationship with him and he has all the right in the world to walk because of you "feelings" for another.

Thus, would you step in front of a bus for him? If not, let him find someone who would and for which he would as well.

That part of my relationship with my wife is gone, perhaps forever, perhaps for years, but it's done because of her EA. If she had done less than give me all her devices, all her passwords and offered anything to verify her veracity including polygraph tests and no more (in my case) male friends at all, I would have walked. If we didn't have kids I would have walked regardless. This being said, after I took control my wife said that she knew she was about to loose me and that she realized, too late what I am and for that man she is now willing to step in front of a bus for.

So, would you step in front of a bus for him? If not, don't bother. Stop wasting space in his life and make a hole for someone who deserves his love.
 
#71 ·
@EB123 , do you love your husband above all else? Before my wife (common law wife for the purists) had an EA, I would have stepped in front of a bus for her, now, not so much.

I’m not sure I know what to say to this one. Okay so am I understanding this correctly, your wife is willing to step in front of a bus for you, as you say, has done everything to make it right with you, but you’re not willing to step in front of a bus for her now after her EA and after she complied with all your requests and got back in your “good graces” so to speak?

Why are you with her then? Isn’t your relationship one-sided? I mean no disrespect in asking, but you brought it up and now I’m curious.
 
#75 ·
I can't make sense of throwing the person you'd step in front of a bus for under the bus for another. My mind is too limited for this and the sudden turnaround too. The reason I can't fully give my heart back to my wife is the same. How can a person flip-flop like that? It does my head in.

I just can't get myself to a level of trust with people who have their heart cast in Jello where mine casts it's affections in concrete. Shattered concrete at the moment, but concrete none the less.
 
#73 ·
@EB123 , yes, the relationship is one sided, after betrayal I am not able to give her my best. That's the price of betrayal and by telling your EA AP about your feelings for her, you sacrificed your claim to a healthy relationship with your husband. I hope I can one day get to a place with my wife that the feelings would be reciprocal and equal again, but I owe her nothing after the betrayal. Just as your husband owes you nothing after yours.
 
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