These are all inferences based on your post:
Sexual attraction was a very big factor in your choice of her for a mate, than in her choice of you.
She desired the financial stability to:
- Have the children she very much wanted while
- Being able to be a stay at home wife and
- Enjoy a friendship with a nice guy partner who would make a good co-parent and come home from a long work day and still do more than his share of the housework
In the first 2 years her desire was driven by:
- The novelty of a relationship with someone who could afford nice things
- The newness of things which always layers a glow on a partner
- The subconscious driver that all this sex was creating the bond that would lead to a great life for her
The first child gave her a break from sex and she made a mental note that you were ok with the "new baby" overwhelmed mom thing to some degree.
The second child became the basis for mostly ending the sexual relationship. When you simply waited for it to get better while she made up excuses, she came to believe you were ok with it even though you didn't like it.
At that point the main way to convey you really were not ok with it was to be very deliberate about your use of birth control like condoms. Or a vasectomy. Having a third child conveyed that you were accepting that the new norm - was ok.
You may have done other things to reinforce that you were ok with it.
You two made sure that your unhappiness did not adversely impact her comfort level in a meaningful way.
You two thereby filled the home with a powerful subtext. Her needs matter. Your needs don't. This erodes respect, which erodes one of her primary desire drivers.
If when you two disagree it is mostly your responsibility to make things, that reinforces the theme of who is more important.
Doing more baby/house work than is fair given your work schedule is yet one more contributor to this theme. It will lessen her desire, not increase it.
Did you ever meet any of her prior boy friends? Were they kind of bad boy types?
I am new to this forum and have recently just stumbled across this site by luck after searching online for marriage support groups. I have read a few threads and only hope I can find the answers to what is tearing my marriage apart.
Let me start by saying that in no means am I a needy person or co depended on my wife to carry me through life. I'm a confident middle aged man that loves his wife more then life it self, we have 3 beautiful daughters together ranging from 6 years of age to 2 months old. We started having problems about 3-4 years ago after our 2nd daughter was born, her sex drive became non exsiting, I have a great deal of patiences and put up with it for almost 2 years without complaining, after that I started to become frustrated and bitter toward her all the time wondering why this is happening, our closeness and bond we once had is all but dried up. I have talked to her on many occasions and tried to find out what the problem is so we can address it and fix it, I get the "I dont know what it is" answer all the time. We dont make time for each other, we dont go out together and we dont have any intimacy in our life. I've express my concerns many many of times only to have my feelings and frustration regarded as Bi Polar. I find my wife to be very attractive, sexy and desirable in everyway even after having 3 kids, its very hard for me to deal with the fact that I cant touch her or anything and when she is in my site all I want to do is grab her and love her like a couple should. My anger and frustration has gotten to a point where we do not talk any more and I find myself leaving quite often.
My question is am I being unreasonable and expecting to much from her. I mean all i ask for is to make some time for us once a week so we can have us time with out the kids around or any outside interference and rekindle the flame that once was 8 years ago. My life should be perfect right now with a stable and great career, a small but beautiful home right on a lake, 3 beautiful kids, 2 dogs and my health but yet I feel so empty with the emotional connection with my wife. I never refuse to do things for her and always try to help as much as I can with household chores to ease the stress on her. She rejects me and denys me any sort of intimacy with her unless she wants it (which is very few and far between) if I initiate anything I get turned down.
How do I cope with my frustration and hurt when my partner refuses to understand my feelings. Any all help suggestions welcomed, my marriage is just hanging by a thread and wont last much longer.