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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
First let me start by saying that I am 29 and my husband is 35. I am an educated person in the medical field and currently am in academia at a local college. Just spend the last 6 months going through an adoption process to adopt children from foster care. My husband is a rancher/farmer have been married for 10 years this August and have had a 10 years of wedded bliss ...that is until last week....

I was on my way home from a two day meeting when my mom had called me and asked me to stop by to visit on my way home. I wasn't going to stop but she insisted it was important...When I arrived at my moms house my mother and younger adult siblings along with my 15 year old sister. I was starting to really stress out because I thought for sure someone had died. My 15 year old sister told me that my husband had inappropriately touched her and she had inappropriately touched him back in January of this year. Alcohol was involved....my husband had been drinking and he had given her beer. It was my worst possible nightmare come true. The man that I trusted more than anyone and anything in this whole world had done something like this. He was the John Wayne of husbands. The details that were given haunt me and make me physically ill. My husband is 35 and my little sister is 15. Prior to my family dropping this bomb on me, they had taken my sister to a therapist to help her cope and to seek advice in telling me this news. They also had to report this to child protection because she is a minor. I am at a loss as to how to cope with all of this.

The same evening I was given this news, I confronted my husband and he fessed up to the happenings, but used the term "I dont remember" when it came to the bigger stuff she said happened. My husband has watch this young lady grown up and I have really fostered a relationship between them because my father is absent in every way and our upbringing has been beyond dysfunctional. I really thought I was a great person for having such a wonderful husband that would be that father figure in her life. I thought it would fix her attention seeking, promiscuous behavior, partially because I remember feeling that same way at that age. Just dying for male attention and almost reeking of desperation for it.

So here is some more nitty gritty....I was sexually abused by my father at the age of 5 and taken from my family and put in foster care for almost a year. My father denied everything and after a long legal battle my parents got me back. My mother stood by him. I have always resented my mother for not protecting me and making that decision...The rest of my childhood was unpleasant, but I will not go into that as I believe you may all understand the picture I am painting already. As I became an educated adult I found my self really trying to do the "work" to forgive her and I thought I actually did......Part of me thinks that if I stay with my husband I am no better than she is....

I went to a therapist the day after I got this news, but unfortunately I had more knowledge and maturity in my big toe as she did in her brain. I'm sorry but you should not share with your patient that you are getting divorced from your husband for no reason other than your just aren't feeling it anymore, with two kids, and take prozac and xanax on a regular basis. So needless to say I am shopping for a therapist......

This just such a messy situation and I as mad and hurt as I am by my husband I am scared for him in regards to any legal action that could be taken. I just wish I knew what to expect for him. It is so hard to have the feelings of love and hate all in the same breath.

I am angry at my mother for "everything"....

Even though I know that she is the 15 year old victim in this....I am angry because I know that she had ownership in this and from what I have been told with her actions she betrayed me as well.

My husband is getting help and going to counseling....but I just dont know if I can ever been with him again in that way. I dont doubt the love I have for him....but I just can imagine every being intimate or trusting him again. He told me he will do whatever it takes to save our marriage. I ask myself how can I give up on this man...he is a major reason I am the person I am today....he loved me when I didnt love myself...coming from such dysfunction growing up....I came to the marriage with less than nothing. Because of his unconditional love and stability I have been able to flourish as an adult and I thanked god for him everyday. He really, honestly did give me the wings to fly. Supported me through it all! You know how they always say there were signs that this type of thing was looming....I have racked my brain for days and have come up empty. I just am at a loss as to why he would do something like this and destroy everything that we had.

If anyone has been through anything like this or can even comprehend the above...I am just asking for advice or comforting words because I am at a loss right now.
 

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Good for you in looking for a better therapist!
Yeah, I've seen and been through similar type of situation before, years ago. It sucks. People, like your husband, can be complex. Great some of the time, flawed and awful some of the time.

You sound like a very intelligent, compassionate survivor. If it helps, I think you're doing all the right things, and thinking very clearly. Take your time.

People may be quick to spout off and tell you how much you should be vengeful, or how much you should be forgiving. Make your own judgments about what you can accept and what you cannot with real people you trust, not just anonymous people online. Just take it a day at a time, take care of yourself, and you will make it through. For me, my faith was important, you may find strength there.
 

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I'm truely sorry for what you are going through. What a mess.

The lack of boundaries seems to be the major problem here. Your husband giving your sister alcohol, her having some serious issues and your husband... gads he was not thinking was he?

At this point I don't know what to tell you what to do or where to go with this. It's easy to say "leave him". But your post is full of some real complexities.
 

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Firstly, I am so sorry for your lossed childhood. And secondly very sorry that you have found yourself in this situation. I would be listening to your gut instinct on this one. Alcohol isnt an excuse...and I dont believe that he ''doesnt remember''...the fact he knew he did something totally wrong and didnt tell you, tells me more than words screamed out loud. :-/
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Thank you John Carter! When you say that you have seen and been through similar type of situation...That gives me some comfort in knowing I am not the only one who as dealt with this. It seems unimaginable. Can I ask what the outcomes were?
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
I'm truely sorry for what you are going through. What a mess.

The lack of boundaries seems to be the major problem here. Your husband giving your sister alcohol, her having some serious issues and your husband... gads he was not thinking was he?

At this point I don't know what to tell you what to do or where to go with this. It's easy to say "leave him". But your post is full of some real complexities.

I forgot to mentioned this in my initial post, but I did leave him and am staying with my sister.
 

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Minimum, he's got to stop the "I don't remember" lie YESTERDAY. No way you can work on it until he takes ownership of what he did. Every time he says "I don't remember" he might as well be spitting in your face.

He remembers. I can guarantee it. But you know that already, don't you?
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Firstly, I am so sorry for your lossed childhood. And secondly very sorry that you have found yourself in this situation. I would be listening to your gut instinct on this one. Alcohol isnt an excuse...and I dont believe that he ''doesnt remember''...the fact he knew he did something totally wrong and didnt tell you, tells me more than words screamed out loud. :-/
Yes, the fact that he did this and did not tell me has said a lot to me...It almost seems that if he not want to get caught and that perhaps it would have continued... It seems so unforgivable to me right now...
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
Minimum, he's got to stop the "I don't remember" lie YESTERDAY. No way you can work on it until he takes ownership of what he did. Every time he says "I don't remember" he might as well be spitting in your face.

He remembers. I can guarantee it. But you know that already, don't you?
I don't for one minute believe the "I dont remember" line he keeps telling me. Saying he had too much to drink and doesnt remember...it is BS!!
 

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Even though I know that she is the 15 year old victim in this....I am angry because I know that she had ownership in this and from what I have been told with her actions she betrayed me as well.
First, I'm sorry that you are going through this. I can't imagine the hurt you must feel.

But the above statement can't be overlooked. An immature girl and alcohol and she has ownership in what happened? I hope no one ever said YOU had ownership in the abuse that suffered because you didn't and I don't think your sister does either.

Good luck and stay strong.
 

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My husband is getting help and going to counseling....but I just dont know if I can ever been with him again in that way. I dont doubt the love I have for him....but I just can imagine every being intimate or trusting him again. He told me he will do whatever it takes to save our marriage. I ask myself how can I give up on this man...he is a major reason I am the person I am today....he loved me when I didnt love myself...coming from such dysfunction growing up....I came to the marriage with less than nothing. Because of his unconditional love and stability I have been able to flourish as an adult and I thanked god for him everyday. He really, honestly did give me the wings to fly. Supported me through it all! You know how they always say there were signs that this type of thing was looming....I have racked my brain for days and have come up empty. I just am at a loss as to why he would do something like this and destroy everything that we had.

If anyone has been through anything like this or can even comprehend the above...I am just asking for advice or comforting words because I am at a loss right now.

Guys with your husbands problem are incredibly manipulating. This is something I think you should understand going forward. When guys want or are attracted to minors they groom their victims and use the other relationships in their life to get close to the victim.

It is possible that your husband used his relationship with you to get to your sister. You may not see the signs but from what you have described it seems this was well thought out and planned. It may have taken him years but that doesn't mean it wasn't planned. You really should keep that in mind when deciding what you are going to do.
 

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The fact that he gave her alcohol may mean that he had it planned out. Did he maneuver things so that he was alone with her or was it coincidental that they were together?

He also knows that she seeks attention and approval from men through sex. So I am assuming he suspected that any sexual advance on his part would be reciprocated if he oiled the wheels with alcohol.

Did he tell her not to say anything? Did he express regret when he sobered up? Did he make subsequent advances to her?

It may have been an isolated, alcohol- fueled stupid act or it might been premeditated and something he planned to repeat. Find out before you decide what you want to do. Find out who he really is.

As for blaming your sister, don't. Your husband is an adult, and apparently well adjusted. He had a good relationship with his wife and family and had a wife who willingly had sex with him. Why would he ply a 15 yo girl with alcohol to haver sexual contact.

This is complicated by the fact that you say your husband has been good to you and has helped you. He has been a good friend.

His actions with your sister, especially if premeditated is not the actions of a friend. He could have stopped at any time - the planning stage, after giving her the alcohol, after the start of the contact, but he did not. He did not think of the massive betrayal, pain and further disruption and turmoil he brought to an already troubled family. All of this for an extra orgasm for him.

He could have confessed to you after it happened if he felt devastated. Apparently, he went on as of nothing happened. Leaving you in the dark and a vulnerable girl to twist in the wind.

I would find out if he has been doing other things that are inappropriate. Is he looking at underage porn, going to prostitutes etc. He does not sound like a good man, he sounds predatory and self centered.
 

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Why did you leave your home? Make him leave he was the one who violated you trust and that of your family. Why does he get the comforts of home?
 

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Even though I know that she is the 15 year old victim in this....I am angry because I know that she had ownership in this and from what I have been told with her actions she betrayed me as well.
There is a reason your sister is considered a minor. Your husband manipulated her into doing sexual acts with him. I would not blame your husbands actions on her.

I'm sorry you have to go through this but I think blaming your sister for any of this is the wrong way to go about it.
 

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Even though I know that she is the 15 year old victim in this....I am angry because I know that she had ownership in this and from what I have been told with her actions she betrayed me as well.
He was like a father figure to her and has been around since she was 5 years old correct? She was given a beer, which most adults can't control what they do while drunk, let alone a 15 year old. I don't see how anyone could be mad at the underaged child, other than you want to blameshift. There is one person to blame, the adult, your husband, the man that cheated on you, the man that was like a father figure to your younger sister, the one that is denying remembering anything (while your younger sister, 15 and drunk, remembers it all).

Did your underqualifed therapist suggest you leave your husband? Maybe this has something to do with her being so underqualified as you want a therapist that isn't suggesting you leave your husband, but rather work this out and make things right. YOU CAN'T MAKE THIS RIGHT AND NEITHER COULD YOUR MOTHER.

HE MOLESTED AN UNDERAGE CHILD and CHEATED ON YOU with your sister. HE ADMITTED TO IT, CASE CLOSED. You will NOT be able to adopt a child (I HOPE), as long as you are with him. Do what you know is right, LEAVE HIM. She was only 15 and he knew her since she was 5!?!?!?!?!?!?!? When did this take place, when she was 13, 14, 15?

If you are shopping for a therapist that will have sympathy for your husband, good luck. A child molester/cheater is at the bottom of the food chain.

Sorry to hear this happened to you but I think you know what's right and what's excuses. Leave him.
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
Let me be clear...I am not blaming my minor sister...she is the victim and my husband is the adult and should have known better....
 

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Sas: So sorry to hear what you're going through and will fastly keep you and your family in my prayers.

Obviously, you haven't exactly been dealt the best hand of cards in your life, and for that my heart goes out to you. Now given that your younger sister may have been obviously craving some semblence of male attention, or your husband became infatuated with her development as a young woman makes absolutely no difference. He should richly consider himself fortunate that he wasn't summarily hand-cuffed and led away! And it doesn't matter if she led him on, blames the alcohol, or whatever; under the overwhelming majority of statuatory rape laws, neither of those scenarios represents a viable legal defense.

I applaud you for taking the bull by the horns and immediately getting yourself into counseling. Your husband should do the same. But until such time that he comes to exercise a little "ownership" for what he has done, nothing is going to change. "I don't remember" is largely a cop-out phrase that he derives some form of clandestine protection from. And no progress will be made as long as he's using it to pacify himself and/or those other friends/relatives that are just that shallow to believe his story, his selective fleeting memory, or a lack of a story thereof. And if he doesn't get himself into counseling right away, given time, the only counselor that he'll have access to will be a legal one. And no one really wants to see that happen!

For the time being, if the state hasn't already instituted a no-contact clause between your husband and your sister, then you should.

If you and your husband are going to salvage your relationship, then you both need to be in IC as well as MC, and probably should get some joint spiritual help from your pastor. Otherwise, his fast denials and trying to sweep all of this under the rug is nothingmore than boarding a fast moving freight train heading straight to Armegeddon. In it's absence, you may have no other real option available to you but to leave him!

Welcome to TAM! Along with my other esteemed colleagues, I hate to see you here, but you've come to the right place. I truly feel for you and your plight, and pray for an equitable result for you in ultimately getting this problem of yours resolved!
 

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There is a reason your sister is considered a minor. Your husband manipulated her into doing sexual acts with him. I would not blame your husbands actions on her.
Here are the issues that bother me the most:

giving her the beer.

And you know why I say that? This more than anything else shows that he set out to do this very evil thing, that hurt a LOT of people, not just you and your sister, consciously and deliberately.


I would not stand by him. What happened to you? No one stood by you, the way you say you wanted them and needed them to. Do the right thing now and stand by your sister.


His issues are so profound and serious they can only be overcome with huge amounts of remorse, lots of excellent counseling for HIM, and time to see if he ever does it again.

When you break this many boundaries:
--inappropriate sexual activity with a teenager
--the teenager is your sister-in-law
--you ply her with alcohol in advance to make her more compliant
--your wife was abused as a child

then it is time to pack your bags and kick this profoundly selfish man, who has issues that may prove to be incurable and insurmountable, to the curb.

Stand by your sister. Show your mom where loyalties should lie on the horrible issue of sexual abuse.
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
Here are the issues that bother me the most:

giving her the beer.

And you know why I say that? This more than anything else shows that he set out to do this very evil thing, that hurt a LOT of people, not just you and your sister, consciously and deliberately.


I would not stand by him. What happened to you? No one stood by you, the way you say you wanted them and needed them to. Do the right thing now and stand by your sister.


His issues are so profound and serious they can only be overcome with huge amounts of remorse, lots of excellent counseling for HIM, and time to see if he ever does it again.

When you break this many boundaries:
--inappropriate sexual activity with a teenager
--the teenager is your sister-in-law
--you ply her with alcohol in advance to make her more compliant
--your wife was abused as a child

then it is time to pack your bags and kick this profoundly selfish man, who has issues that may prove to be incurable and insurmountable, to the curb.

Stand by your sister. Show your mom where loyalties should lie on the horrible issue of sexual abuse.
You seems to have great clarity and you are exactly right in your advice! Thank you! Thank You!!
 
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