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I've never liked sex. I just don't. It was bearable, my husband was happy. I'm in good shape. I'm very clean and keep myself nice. Same as always. Him on the other hand, he gets more lazy throughout the years. It's so bad that I don't even want to sit close to him. He doesn't shave, refuses to get a haircut , has not clipped his toe nails in over three months (gag), hardly showers (he's a construction worker so this is a HUGE problem) and refuses to brush his teeth more than once a day. This has happened gradually over the years. I talk to him about it and he says "eh you'll still love me anyway." True but I am literally grossed out by him. I've explained this and he does not take me seriously or has even gotten angry at times. Yes, he smells sometimes. I told him many times and he says "no I don't ". Complete refusal to listen. He's not mean, he doesn't treat me badly. He's very nice. His parents have horrible hygiene. I purposely stand back from his mom because she stinks so badly. He's told me that she didn't make him shower when he was a kid and NEVER washed his clothing. He said his socks were stiff from sweat....ugh. His father is also a pig. I'm thinking he's not seeing hygiene as being important because he was never taught that way. Already not enjoying sex was bad enough. Now I'm unable to even offer it because its gotten so bad. I really don't know what to do. He brushes it off like its nothing. Am I wrong for not offering sex because of this? He hasn't complained but I also think his weight gain has something to do with it. He's gained about 40lbs this year. I have no problem with the weight gain if he'd just be clean. :(
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Communicate this with him!!!

Tell him, you think his hygene is disgusting. I know guys in their 40's and 50's that work construction and they are clean shaven, teeth brushed, nails clipped, and are in good shape due to the work, eating healthier and some exercising.

I clip my nails, shower, shaven all week (maybe a break on weekends), work out, eat healthy, etc., for myself and my wife.

Gained 40 lbs in 1 year?! WOW. I couldn't gain 6lb+ in 1 year and I eat healthy, 4200+ calories a day.

As your man, he should be taking care of himself and that means for you just as much. You have a great body and he should take care of his in return.

Or there are many other men out there who do........
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Communicate this with him!!!

Tell him, you think his hygene is disgusting. I know guys in their 40's and 50's that work construction and they are clean shaven, teeth brushed, nails clipped, and are in good shape due to the work, eating healthier and some exercising.

I clip my nails, shower, shaven all week (maybe a break on weekends), work out, eat healthy, etc., for myself and my wife.

Gained 40 lbs in 1 year?! WOW. I couldn't gain 6lb+ in 1 year and I eat healthy, 4200+ calories a day.

As your man, he should be taking care of himself and that means for you just as much. You have a great body and he should take care of his in return.

Or there are many other men out there who do........
I have! At least 200-300 times. No exaggeration. I make little comments about it constantly plus the times I've tried to have a serious talk about it. He passes bad gas in front of me. I ask him nicely to please not do it or even let me know he needs to and I will walk out of the room but nope he continues it and laughs most of time. Or if I really get on him about these things he gets annoyed and it then it starts an argument and he stops talking to me. So I either get laughed at or anger and silent treatment.
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I would tell him that if he wants sex he will need to clean up before he even initiates it. If he decides to never clean up for sex then you will no longer have to do something that you do not enjoy.

You could also get him to go to a MC when he is nice and ripe. Let the counselor have a go at him.

Another thing you could do is to find something very smelly. Amonia might work. Soak something in it and sit near him with it. Let him complain about your smell. And then act towards him as he does to you when you complain about his smell. This is a teaching moment not a game.

I did that with cigarette smoke one time. I’m allergic to it but could not get my husband to understand that he had to smoke outside. A few times with ammonia he got the idea that it was wrong for him to force me to breath something that makes me ill. He hates the smell of pinesole too. So that would have worked as well.
 

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Communicate your thoughts to him one more time. Be firm. Tell him you are not attracted to him because he won't take care of himself. That you feel like you are being taken for granted, and he must think so low of you that you'd tolerate him at considerably less than his best. Tell him you deserve his best (or at least a reasonable effort). He used to give it to you when you were dating, and that shouldn't have stopped. And oh, that no, you will not "love him anyway" if he continues to take you for granted.

If he still doesn't listen, or makes feeble attempts, pack a couple bags, walk out, and stay with a friend or family for a week. Tell him you've had it, that you cannot be close to someone that thinks so little of themselves and you that they cannot be bothered with basic, simple hygene.

Give it a couple days. Once he knows you're serious, you'll have a freshly showered, trimmed, shaved guy showing up to ask you to come back.

You're the female version of a "nice guy". You've tolerated increasingly bad behavior, it has empowered him to continue it, and he's taking advantage, and taking you for granted. He needs a wake up call. Time for you to give it to him.
 

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GinaLynn said: His parents have horrible hygiene. I purposely stand back from his mom because she stinks so badly. He's told me that she didn't make him shower when he was a kid and NEVER washed his clothing. He said his socks were stiff from sweat....ugh. His father is also a pig. I'm thinking he's not seeing hygiene as being important because he was never taught that way.
After reading your post, I simply am amazed how someone like yourself ...being Ultra clean to perfection could possibly end up marrying a Guy from a family you just described here ....The Mom stinks so bad you can't be near her, the Dad is a Pig...they never made him shower.... this wasn't evident while dating...getting a feeling the apple may not fall far from the tree?

And you never liked
... even then you didn't like it? How did that play out?? So he doesn't care all that much about sex either?

Smelling good , fresh and not sucking on salty stench is very important, a deal breaker even...TRUE... I'd insist on a shower, teeth brushed.....but so it the JOY of SEX in a healthy thriving marriage.

While he works on his hygiene, maybe you could look into why sex is such an aversion. Repression from Religious thinking ....Low Drive....Resentment build up over time, his hygeine?

Does anything turn you on, what are your fantasies?
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
If you've never liked sex why did you get married?

Yes he's contributing to the problem but you started it.
There's much more to marriage than sex. No, I did not start any problems. He's very low drive and has always been that way.
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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
After reading your post, I simply am amazed how someone like yourself ...being Ultra clean to perfection could possibly end up marrying a Guy from a family you just described here ....The Mom stinks so bad you can't be near her, the Dad is a Pig...they never made him shower.... this wasn't evident while dating...getting a feeling the apple may not fall far from the tree?

And you never liked
... even then you didn't like it? How did that play out?? So he doesn't care all that much about sex either?

Smelling good , fresh and not sucking on salty stench is very important, a deal breaker even...TRUE... I'd insist on a shower, teeth brushed.....but so it the JOY of SEX in a healthy thriving marriage.

While he works on his hygiene, maybe you could look into why sex is such an aversion. Repression from Religious thinking ....Low Drive....Resentment build up over time, his hygeine?

Does anything turn you on, what are your fantasies?
I thought hygiene was important to him. He was clean most of the time in the beginning. Once in awhile he wouldn't shower but it was very rare. He just gets lazier throughout the years I think. There's many reasons why I do not like sex. That will not change. He's aware of the reasons and its fine by him because he's not much into sex either. Once a week is plenty for him. Sometimes even that's too often for him. No, nothing turns me on.
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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
I would tell him that if he wants sex he will need to clean up before he even initiates it. If he decides to never clean up for sex then you will no longer have to do something that you do not enjoy.

You could also get him to go to a MC when he is nice and ripe. Let the counselor have a go at him.

Another thing you could do is to find something very smelly. Amonia might work. Soak something in it and sit near him with it. Let him complain about your smell. And then act towards him as he does to you when you complain about his smell. This is a teaching moment not a game.

I did that with cigarette smoke one time. I’m allergic to it but could not get my husband to understand that he had to smoke outside. A few times with ammonia he got the idea that it was wrong for him to force me to breath something that makes me ill. He hates the smell of pinesole too. So that would have worked as well.
This is a great idea. Thank you! He HATES his sisters perfume. He gags when he goes near her and always complains about it. I'm going to buy it and spray it alllllll over my clothes and even his pillow.
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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
Communicate your thoughts to him one more time. Be firm. Tell him you are not attracted to him because he won't take care of himself. That you feel like you are being taken for granted, and he must think so low of you that you'd tolerate him at considerably less than his best. Tell him you deserve his best (or at least a reasonable effort). He used to give it to you when you were dating, and that shouldn't have stopped. And oh, that no, you will not "love him anyway" if he continues to take you for granted.

If he still doesn't listen, or makes feeble attempts, pack a couple bags, walk out, and stay with a friend or family for a week. Tell him you've had it, that you cannot be close to someone that thinks so little of themselves and you that they cannot be bothered with basic, simple hygene.

Give it a couple days. Once he knows you're serious, you'll have a freshly showered, trimmed, shaved guy showing up to ask you to come back.

You're the female version of a "nice guy". You've tolerated increasingly bad behavior, it has empowered him to continue it, and he's taking advantage, and taking you for granted. He needs a wake up call. Time for you to give it to him.
I do think you're right. I am a push over in many ways. I never want to make someone feel bad and I dislike confrontation.
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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
After reading your post, I simply am amazed how someone like yourself ...being Ultra clean to perfection could possibly end up marrying a Guy from a family you just described here ....The Mom stinks so bad you can't be near her, the Dad is a Pig...they never made him shower.... this wasn't evident while dating...getting a feeling the apple may not fall far from the tree?

And you never liked
... even then you didn't like it? How did that play out?? So he doesn't care all that much about sex either?

Smelling good , fresh and not sucking on salty stench is very important, a deal breaker even...TRUE... I'd insist on a shower, teeth brushed.....but so it the JOY of SEX in a healthy thriving marriage.

While he works on his hygiene, maybe you could look into why sex is such an aversion. Repression from Religious thinking ....Low Drive....Resentment build up over time, his hygeine?

Does anything turn you on, what are your fantasies?
I have OCD so sometimes I'm unsure if I'm being unreasonable or not about cleanliness. I know what he's doing isn't right but I sometimes second guess myself and think maybe my OCD is making it seem worse than it is. In the beginning he was almost always clean. Occasionally he wouldn't shower but it was extremely rare so I didn't think much of it. But as the years went on that stuff became less important to him. I already know why I feel the way I feel about sex. My husband is aware and has been fine because he's low drive. Sex once a week is sometimes too much for him. I don't refuse him often but the few times I have he understand exactly what I'm feeling since many times he is not up for sex either. I don't have an issue having sex with him if he were clean.
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To simplyamorous: I've tried to reply to your post twice and it will not go through for some reason. I have OCD so sometimes I'm unsure if I'm overreacting. I realize I'm not with this. I don't like sex for many reasons. My husband knows this and it's never been an issue because he's low drive. No, no fantasies.
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At what point of bad hygiene do you NOT have to have sex?

At the very first sign of it. In fact I would not draw the line at not having sex. I would not even allow someone of bad hygiene in my house or other space under my control. I sure as hell would not marry them.

Its inexcusable, nasty, physically unhealthy for everyone around it, very self-centerd and inconsiderate, dangerous and likely a mental illness of some sort. Depression comes to mind as does some others.

Yuck
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
At what point of bad hygiene do you NOT have to have sex?

At the very first sign of it. In fact I would not draw the line at not having sex. I would not even allow someone of bad hygiene in my house or other space under my control. I sure as hell would not marry them.

Its inexcusable, nasty, physically unhealthy for everyone around it, very self-centerd and inconsiderate, dangerous and likely a mental illness of some sort. Depression comes to mind as does some others.

Yuck
I do agree. My therapist had suggested that I point out a person in public with bad body odor to him and to see how he reacts. I did this and my husbands reaction was "just ignore it or walk away from them". He doesn't seem to put any value into cleanliness. I'd compare it almost to a bait and switch. Before marriage this wasn't an issue.. After marriage is when it started. He's certainly not depressed. He's happy, cheerful, smiles all the time and jokes around. He's rarely even in a bad mood.
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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
Get a can of Lysol and spray him down. Personally if Queen Dong ever did this I would just move out until the problem was solved.
I bought him two kinds of cologne a few months ago. I got him some cool soap and shampoo too. I was hoping it may motivate him but no luck.
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I do agree. My therapist had suggested that I point out a person in public with bad body odor to him and to see how he reacts.

Lousy advice since it so transparant its insulting. Captain Obvious nonsense with zero value.

I did this and my husbands reaction was "just ignore it or walk away from them".

He saw thru it

He doesn't seem to put any value into cleanliness.

Nor does he have any respect for you. I also struggle respecting nonconfrontational sorts. A big part of life and marriage is communication. Nonconfrontational types are unable to communicate directly. They beat around the bush and their perspective gets missed. Your inability to say to him diectly that you are freaked out about his issue and its a deal killer for you is not effective. Take it up with a new therapist that is offering bolder advice. Letting this continue is ridiculous. I mean in a tough love sort of way. No offense is intended.

I'd compare it almost to a bait and switch. Before marriage this wasn't an issue.. After marriage is when it started.

We are all on our best behavior during courting. Send his ass to the shower when he gets home and hand him a set of nail clippers. In other words, be direct and tell him its not fair for him to dismiss your feeling bad and disrepsecting you and himself after he tricked you into thinking he was more responsible, realistic and respectful

He's certainly not depressed. He's happy, cheerful, smiles all the time and jokes around. He's rarely even in a bad mood.
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Depression manifests itself in many ways other than sadness. For example, neglecting rsponsibilities, being uncaring, unmotivated, lazy, lathargic. Dont dismiss it so quickly.
 

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That's disgusting. I think he needs to see that you will indeed leave if this doesn't change. Unacceptable!
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