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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I posted recently about my H and our ongoing issues in the bedroom. We have issues stemming from his continued rejection of me and my subsequent refusal to initiate.

We had a couple of issues last week (will try and link to the thread later when I can get on the computer. The upshot is I addressed an issue to do with our sex life ( a particular incident which I thought he would like but he did not.) I questioned why and it seemed like this was too much for him. He went mad at me. Said a lot of hurtful things. Said I was basically a basket case.

For me I was genuinely trying to understand and get a handle on his view of our sex life and specifically gauge what in articular turns him on. Given he had told me a little teasing does it, I did that and he was not digging it for various reasons.

The upshot is he has acted like the bust up never happened. Has not mentioned it. I did not broach it to give us both time to reflect. He was nasty and cutting with his words, and made it clear he was not interested in anything I had to say. He has not apologized.

Now this has been the final straw for me. He has really hurt me after months of me trying to work through stuff both with him and on my own and right now I have no desire to sleep with him at all. This is pretty weird but I cannot bear to be close to him after this.

I just do not know what to do. He has initiated a couple times but I declined. He has not addressed it but it will come up and I do not know what to say constructively. I am so hurt and fed up.
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The upshot is he has acted like the bust up never happened. Has not mentioned it. I did not broach it to give us both time to reflect. He was nasty and cutting with his words, and made it clear he was not interested in anything I had to say. He has not apologized.

Now this has been the final straw for me. He has really hurt me after months of me trying to work through stuff both with him and on my own and right now I have no desire to sleep with him at all. This is pretty weird but I cannot bear to be close to him after this.

I just do not know what to do. He has initiated a couple times but I declined. He has not addressed it but it will come up and I do not know what to say constructively. I am so hurt and fed up.
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Well why would you want to sleep with or be around someone who treats you like that? I don't find that "weird" at all.

I think you are going to have to tell him why you declined when he initiated. "When you berate me and are so nasty, it's hard for me to want to be close to you." If he retaliates (and it sounds like he might), then you are going to have to decide what you want to do. Can you continue on like this, as Holland said. What do YOU want to do? If you want to work on the intimacy then you will probably have to get him to work on the marriage and how you two communicate with each other. If he won't do it, well, then you have an even bigger decision to make.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
I really do not want to live like this no. I do not know if it will change. I have done what I can, even if atctimes gone about things wrong, said the wrong thing, I am not perfect but I have been focussing on getting to the bottom of this "me not initiating" issue.

He has not done anything. He has gaslighted me really badly by claiming I have imagined the whole thing. I am very clear on what happened and when but even so he has an incredible way of twisting things round to make it look like it never happened like that at all.

Because he says it is different to how I say, he has never really been that interested in my feelings of rejection and the effect on my esteem. When I said I was going to stop initiating, he was not bothered and in the months since he has said it does not bother him that I do not feel comfortable enough yo initiate, somethingg I was doing for years previously on a very frequent basis with no problems.

He has said I should just tell him clearlythat I want sex. He does not understand that I do not trust that he won't say no. He will not do anything to rebuild it, he thinks it is as simple as him saying tell me and I'll say yes.

He did tell me recently that he was simply bored of the routine. This is something we can work with. But I feel so angry at him for letting this fester for months, knowing it ws eating away at me. I thought ge simply did not desire me any more and it is hard to feel he does now but he won't do anything with this. He purely sees it as my problem.

After our argument the other day I felt empty. He really does not give a fvck about how I feel because of all this. I genuinely feel that carrying on sleeping with him is giving him the message that everything he has done and is doing is OK. This is really hard because I am more HD than he is. He has not brought up the argument or apologized. I didn't to give us both time to reflect but it looks like he is just not going to say anything about it.

Any thoughts or advice welcomed.
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Walkingwounded,

I've read your threads, and you've given me alot of insight of what my STBX must have been feeling everytime I rejected her - as you know she's HD and I'm "LD". However, I must applaud you for what you have shown. You've done everything right in my opinion to the point I can't even think of anything else you can possibly do.

I can't give you much advice, you've done them all!!! Sh-t that my STBX refused to do. Just know that you've got my support, even if I'm on the other side of your problems, being the LD husband myself with a HD wife.

The kicker must have been when you mentioned you teased him and all he had to say was "put your clothes on" - made me swear that he must be gay.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Thankyou RD. I have really got a telling off for that dress incident. He saw what I posted on here and said I portrayed it differently to how it happened. He says he *did* comment on it, which he did thinking back, but it was " you can see everything you got" rather than anything sexual. He thinks I was inappropriate because the littley was there but it was very much aimed at him. It is like he wants me to compartmentalize being sexual only in to the times he deems it right.

We spoke earlier but he did his usual thing of turning things around. Said why should he make the effort of doing stuff when I do not do things for him. Well I just stopped doing a lot because I felt I was giving more than I was getting. He completely discounts the day to day stuff I do as not counting. Like making sure I have dinner made for when he gets home apparently is not a loving gesture. Because I have to cook for the family anyway so it does not count. Same with a few other things I felt I was doing out of love.

Really quite angry right now. He really has this way of dismissing my feelings and turning things around on me. He is angry because he felt after the argument the other day we had been doing normal day to day stuff and things were fine. I cannot win. Had I been moody he wpuld have accused me of mulling things over. Had I kept bringing it up he would have said I cannot let it go. So I act normal, *knowing* ge completely knows how I feel and that issues *plainly* were not resolved, and he is mad because I was acting normal!!! How in the hell did he want me to behave???
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