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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I have been married for 19 years and have two teenagers. I wanted to leave my husband 6 months in. Here are the basics of the issues:

1. I don't know how to talk to him anymore without making him feel worthless or lower his self esteem. He says I talk to him like he is a child. When I talk to him, I slow my speech and pronounce my words clearly in hopes that it will be easier for him to listen. I'm now beginning to think I'm an emotional abuser. I am constantly having to make concessions with my personality for him because he is sensitive, but there have been no concessions on his part to accept my personality. When I try to tell him how I feel, the conversation ends with how it makes him feel with no resolution or support on my feelings.
2. He is generally lazy, doesn't finish projects, tries to fix things that he doesn't know how to leaving our house in a bigger mess. He knows that I want our home functional, not immaculate, just in working order. We have mold, a leaky roof, torn up carpet, concrete issues, doors that won't stay shut, etc. He says it is not important to him to maintain our home. We have no money to fix these things but I'm resentful because our home should have been maintained to begin with. I've stopped nagging years ago, but it's still hard for me to accept that something that's important to me is not to him.
3. We filed for bankruptcy two years ago. I trusted him to make good decisions regarding the finances. We have tried to work together regarding the money, but have always disagreed. I know that this is partially my fault for not putting my foot down on how the money should be spent. Our finances are now separate. We received a notice in the mail that we are delinquent on our state taxes. I was surprised because he told me he had taken care of it. He even asked me to take over paying the monthly grocery bills so that he could pay the taxes, I have done that and yet the tax bill still hasn't been paid. At this point, I'm trying to rebuild my credit, and if it has my name on it, I should be able to voice my concerns. His response was to be nonchalant and evasive, accused me of only being concerned with my credit, and then proceeded to tell me that I'm condescending. I don't trust him with the money and feel that I need to protect myself financially.
4. I have forgiven him for his past extramarital discretion. I left him three years ago, started divorce proceedings and moved on with my life. I became involved with another man that I had known since I was 14. He says he will never forgive me for my discretion. I saw many changes in him that prompted me to come back and give our marriage another shot. The changes were short lived, and he blamed it on the fact that there was still some communication with the other man. The only way he knew that there was still communication was he would secretly look at my phone and hacked into my Facebook account. It was more difficult getting over my affair that what I had thought, the separation period was tough. I assured my husband everyday that I loved him and wanted to be there. I needed alot of support, but once again it became all about his hurt feelings than it did mine.

Anything I do at this point doesn't seem to be working.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Yes, we have been to marriage counseling twice, most recently a couple months ago. We talk during counseling but never seem to be able to talk and resolve issues outside of the counseling office.

I know long term that if things don't change that I will be miserable, but I'm also scared of not being with him as well.
 

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I know people don't change overnight, but 19 years is long enough to wait. I completely understand where you are coming from and don't blame you. In a few more years, I have no doubt I will be right where you are and planning my own divorce.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
The separation period was tough because I was getting from the other what I wasn't getting from my husband. Someone that listened, provided feedback, and conversation. I not only want someone to talk to, but someone that is also going to join in on the conversation. I still don't get this from my husband today, his answers are fairly short and he doesn't prompt me to continue the conversation, it just ends quickly. I discovered that the older I get I really need that kind of companionship.

I'm not afraid of being alone, I have a wonderful family and many supportive friends. I think I may be afraid of the change, as well as being afraid of regretting my decision.

I love him because he has given me two wonderful children, but he has never really added more to my life than that, more frustration than joy...
 

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novelty is exciting and interesting. Humdrum day-to-day tedium and overcoming challenges is much more work.

Personally - I think financial burdens and insecurity can be a crushing force in a strained relationship - and you both have severe issues already. If all you (and he) can see in the relationship are problems, if neither of you can really see and appreciate the intrinsic worth of the other person, if it is nothing but a burden to co-exist, if it is resentment and headbutting and accusations and defensiveness.. and wondering why you or he are not getting what you need...then you need to ask yourself what the he11 are you 2 doing?

I notice that the first words out of your keyboard is that you wanted out 6 months in. That speaks volumes. And if you cheated - lets face it, its not about your feelings when you cheat. (He did too I see.) Im sure you will get plenty of confirmation here on that point.

Seems to me you have checked out long ago and his resentment of you, according you your decriptions - is off the chart as well. Is there a question here or are you simply looking for validation on your situation? You are preparing to bail out again, and he knows it. Its obvious.

Your relationship is a total disaster. Are you going to fix it, or are you going to get out? Seems to me you need to make a decision. If the best reason you can think of to stay together is that 'he gave you' 2 kids, then sorry to say I feel bad for both of you - to be brutally honest.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
novelty is exciting and interesting. Humdrum day-to-day tedium and overcoming challenges is much more work.

Personally - I think financial burdens and insecurity can be a crushing force in a strained relationship - and you both have severe issues already. If all you (and he) can see in the relationship are problems, if neither of you can really see and appreciate the intrinsic worth of the other person, if it is nothing but a burden to co-exist, if it is resentment and headbutting and accusations and defensiveness.. and wondering why you or he are not getting what you need...then you need to ask yourself what the he11 are you 2 doing?

I notice that the first words out of your keyboard is that you wanted out 6 months in. That speaks volumes. And if you cheated - lets face it, its not about your feelings when you cheat. (He did too I see.) Im sure you will get plenty of confirmation here on that point.

Seems to me you have checked out long ago and his resentment of you, according you your decriptions - is off the chart as well. Is there a question here or are you simply looking for validation on your situation? You are preparing to bail out again, and he knows it. Its obvious.

Your relationship is a total disaster. Are you going to fix it, or are you going to get out? Seems to me you need to make a decision. If the best reason you can think of to stay together is that 'he gave you' 2 kids, then sorry to say I feel bad for both of you - to be brutally honest.
I appreciate your honesty. I haven't checked out yet, if I had, I would have stayed gone two years ago. I keep working on a way to help our relationship and improve our communication. I'm definitely no quitter! We get along fine when there is no conflict, once there is conflict, there never seems to be a resolution, no compromise on his part, we just go round and round. Not looking for validation, just advice from others with a similar situation on how to proceed. Im actually very sad about the whole situation...
 
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