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Me and my spouse have been together for 17 years. Married for almost 15. I’ve reached my wits end with her and really trying to see why I’m staying.

To start, We dated young and had a 2 year long distance relationship, while I was faithful I found after our 2nd year of marriage that she had dated her ex the whole time. Then when I came home we married within 3 months. The three months we dated I worried we rushed to fast. But we had talked about marriage to the point I felt obligated to get married I thought love will conquer it all.

I he first year was okay, then in year 2 we decided to try having kids. This really hurt us for the next 7 years as it turned sex into a chore. Trust me I never know any to hear the word ovulation schedule ever again. We lost all intimacy. This culminated in us splitting one weekend. I was devastated. I spent all weekend trying to deal with it. Then she asked me back and said “if I’m going to be with an A**hole i might as well be with the one I know”. I have never been able to forget that I felt settled for.

Shortly after a friend paid for us to do IVF and we had a beautiful set of twins. Our life’s we’re at its greatest for the next 6 months. Then she changed again to ignoring me. I mean like, don’t touch her, no hugs, kisses we’re literally wiped off her face after I kissed her. Sex was basically out the window.
Then 2 years ago i was out of town for work. I had asked her to come with me On the trip since she loves to trace and she didn’t want to, as I was going to spend a lot of time at work. I tried to show her t was a break for her to get away from her life for a week and give us a chance. She said no. I was sitting at dinner by myself and realized I was living in a one sided loveless marriage. As embarrassing as it is I sat there crying softly and thought how do I move on. When I got home I told her I that the ball was in her court. And if things didn’t change I was gone. Things got even worse, the criticism, the snarky comments, the fighting.

Then I experienced a very life threatening event recently that shook me up. I sat back and had a good thought about what I wanted in life. And I realized I just wanted to be happy, and be with someone who was happy to be with me. Someone who shares my pains, and my happiness. Someone I can somewhere in cuddles, and kisses and chill in the couch and hold each other after a long hard day. I told her I was not in love anymore and hadn’t been for 2 years. Now that I’m done she says she wants me. But it’s so much overwhelming in “i love yous” that it just feels reactionary and fake. She told me she never thought I would ever leave her so she quit trying since I was a safe option.

I don’t see myself staying and I really at this point want out. I’m super frustrated that I have no feeling for her anymore. I said I would try counseling but I fee it’s more for her to learn to move on.
Please feel free to ask I know this is a really condensed view of a 15 year marriage and there’s probably more I’ve left out.
 

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So she’s cheated on you, emasculated you for years and made it clear that she thinks you’re an asshole and when you finally have enough she discovered that she really loves you.
And you’re having doubts about your decision too leave?
Dude.........ffs.
 

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Discussion Starter #5
So she’s cheated on you, emasculated you for years and made it clear that she thinks you’re an asshole and when you finally have enough she discovered that she really loves you.
And you’re having doubts about your decision too leave?
Dude.........ffs.
I’m a very stubborn person that once I say I’m goi got do something I stick it out. Not that that’s any reason to stay.
 

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I’m a very stubborn person that once I say I’m goi got do something I stick it out. Not that that’s any reason to stay.
Einstein’s definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.
 

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Discussion Starter #7
Einstein’s definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.
Agreed, that hits it on the head certainly. My stubbornness have gotten me in a pinch a time or two in various other things
 

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I said I would try counseling but I fee it’s more for her to learn to move on.
Personally, I think you should talk with a MC and IC before deciding to divorce. Divorce isn't something that should be taken lightly, especially when there are kids involved. One day you may want to know that you did everything you could.
 

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Agreed, that hits it on the head certainly. My stubbornness have gotten me in a pinch a time or two in various other things
Read up on sunk cost fallacy, it will help you understand the feelings you have about walking away from a fifteen year relationship.
 

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Personally, I think you should talk with a MC and IC before deciding to divorce. Divorce isn't something that should be taken lightly, especially when there are kids involved. One day you may want to know that you did everything you could.
i agree on going to counseling, but i know this girl to well, shes very good at saying everything you want to hear. She is a bit of a manipulator, always reaches out and plays the guilt trips later. So that’s why I say going to therapy for her to feel better. Forgive my ignorance what is an IC?
 

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I agree with @bobert's advice. Divorce should not be taken lightly, even more so when there are young (age 5?) children involved.

It takes two people to fix a marriage. You're doing the right thing by communicating your unhappiness and recommending marriage counseling. Give it one last shot to save the marriage. A good marriage counselor will be able to advise you on ways to reconnect with each other. A good marriage counselor will also tell you two are too far gone to save the marriage. Whatever you do, do not get involved with someone else to fill the void. Divorce your wife guilt-free knowing that you did all you could to save the marriage.
 

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i agree on going to counseling, but i know this girl to well, shes very good at saying everything you want to hear. She is a bit of a manipulator, always reaches out and plays the guilt trips later. So that’s why I say going to therapy for her to feel better. Forgive my ignorance what is an IC?
MC - Marriage Counselor
IC - Individual Counselor
 

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I agree with @bobert's advice. Divorce should not be taken lightly, even more so when there are young (age 5?) children involved.

It takes two people to fix a marriage. You're doing the right thing by communicating your unhappiness and recommending marriage counseling. Give it one last shot to save the marriage. A good marriage counselor will be able to advise you on ways to reconnect with each other. A good marriage counselor will also tell you two are too far gone to save the marriage. Whatever you do, do not get involved with someone else to fill the void. Divorce your wife guilt-free knowing that you did all you could to save the marriage.
I don’t disagree it definitely takes two to make a marriage work. One thing I fear is I see what my in-laws are like. My father in-law is in a living hell, his wife is very verbally abusive, and I sit here and watch as my wife starts down the same path. I don’t want to my Kiddos to think I stayed and was Unhappy and think that it’s okay for them to live that way too.

I spent a lot of years working with people and learned that it’s very hard for people to change. It took a life threatening event for me to really evaluate my life priorities. I had hoped that when I had told her she was losing me it might snap her out of where shes at to at least consider her actions. That’s what hurts is I mentally checked out of the relationship two years ago, and she acts like nothing even happened. We spent the 2 years basically being roommates. And when I told her I feel like a brother not a lover she just laughs it off. I really struggle with the idea that she is willing to change.
 

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Thought you might like this:
AAMOF = as a matter of fact
AP = Affair Partner
ASAP = as soon as possible
b/c = because
BAK = back at keyboard
BBFN = bye bye for now
BBL = be back later
BBS = be back soon
BF = boyfriend or best friend
BFN = bye for now
BH = Betrayed Husband
BIL = brother-in-law
BK = back
BRB = be right back
BRBGGP = be right back gotta go potty
BS = Betrayed Spouse
BSC = Bat sh*t crazy
BTDT = been there, done that
BTW = by the way
BW = Betrayed Wife
CBTB = can’t believe the bulls***
CRAFT = can't remember a fricking thing
CRS = can't remember stuff (or use your imagination for S)
CSA = Childhood Sexual Abuse
CU = see you
CUL8R = see you later
CWIM = see what I mean
CYA = see ya
DB = dear boyfriend
DC = dear child
DD = dear daughter
D-Day = divorce day -or- affair Discovery Day
DF = dear fiancée
DG = dear girlfriend
DH = dear husband
DS = dear son
DSD = dear stepdaughter
DSS = dear stepson
DW = dear wife
EA = emotional affair
exH = ex husband
exW = ex wife
FIL = father-in-law
FOO = Family of Origin
FTR = for the record
FUBAR = ****ed/fouled up beyond all recognition/repair/reason (added by request)
FWH = former wayward husband
FWIW = for what it's worth
FWW = former wayward wife
FYI = for your information
GF = girlfriend
GMTA = great minds think alike
GNO = Girls Night Out
GP = general practitioner
GTG = got to go
HD = High drive (sexual)
HTH = HTH hope this helps
IBRB = I’ll be right back
IC = Individual counseling
IDK = I don't know
IIWY = if I were you
IIRC = if I recall correctly
ILYNILWYA = "I love you, not in love with you anymore."
IMHO = in my humble opinion
IMNSHO = in my not so humble opinion
IMO = in my opinion
ISSF = I’m so sexually frustrated
ISTM = it seems to me
J/J = just joking
J/K = just kidding
KISA = Knight in Shining Armor
KWIM = know what I mean
LD = low drive (sexual drive)
LDR = long distance relationship
LMAO = laughing my ass off
LOL = laughing out loud
LOL = laughing out loud
LOLROF = laughing out load, rolling on floor
LTNS = long time no see
MC = marriage counseling
MIL = mother-in-law
MLC = mid-life crisis
MYOB = mind your own business
NC = No Contact
NDE = near death experience
NE = any
NMS = not my style
NMSAA = not my style at all
NP = no problem
NRE = new relationship energy
OM = other man
OMG = oh my gosh
ONS = one night stand
OP = original poster
OSF = opposite sex friends
OT = off topic
OTOH = on the other hand
OW = other woman
PA = physical affair
PA = (sometimes) passive aggressive
PIV = penis in vagina referring to "traditional" sex
PM = private message
POV = POV point of view
PP = previous poster
PUA = Pick Up Artist
ROF = rolling on floor
ROFL = rolling on floor laughing
ROFLMAO = rolling on floor laughing my a** off
ROFLOL = rolling on floor laughing out loud
ROTF = rolling on the floor
SAHD = stay-at-home dad
SAHM = stay-at-home mom
SAHP = stay-at-home parent
SEP = somebody else’s problem
SIL = sister-in-law
SNAFU = situation normal all fouled/****ed up
SO = significant other
SOL = sh** out of luck
SOS = same old stuff (or use you imagination)
STBX = soon to be ex
SWMBO = She Who Must Be Obeyed
TAM = Talk About Marriage
T/J = thread jack
TIA = thanks in advance
TMI = too much information
TOM = the other man
TOTGA = the one that got away
TOW = the other woman
TTFN = tata for now
TTYL = talk to you later
UR = your or you're
VAR = voice activated recorder
W/E = whatever
WAH = work at home
WAW = Walk Away Wife
WB = welcome back
WH = Wayward Husband
WOH = work out of the home
WS = Wayward Spouse
WTG = way to go
WW = Wayward Wife
YAOW = yet another other woman
YW = your welcome
YMMV = your mileage (opinion) may vary
 

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I don’t disagree it definitely takes two to make a marriage work. One thing I fear is I see what my in-laws are like. My father in-law is in a living hell, his wife is very verbally abusive, and I sit here and watch as my wife starts down the same path. I don’t want to my Kiddos to think I stayed and was Unhappy and think that it’s okay for them to live that way too.

I spent a lot of years working with people and learned that it’s very hard for people to change. It took a life threatening event for me to really evaluate my life priorities. I had hoped that when I had told her she was losing me it might snap her out of where shes at to at least consider her actions. That’s what hurts is I mentally checked out of the relationship two years ago, and she acts like nothing even happened. We spent the 2 years basically being roommates. And when I told her I feel like a brother not a lover she just laughs it off. I really struggle with the idea that she is willing to change.
In finance/operations for years. For the most part people never change. Maybe temporarily but just revert back For the most part.
 

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I don’t disagree it definitely takes two to make a marriage work. One thing I fear is I see what my in-laws are like. My father in-law is in a living hell, his wife is very verbally abusive, and I sit here and watch as my wife starts down the same path. I don’t want to my Kiddos to think I stayed and was Unhappy and think that it’s okay for them to live that way too.

I spent a lot of years working with people and learned that it’s very hard for people to change. It took a life threatening event for me to really evaluate my life priorities. I had hoped that when I had told her she was losing me it might snap her out of where shes at to at least consider her actions. That’s what hurts is I mentally checked out of the relationship two years ago, and she acts like nothing even happened. We spent the 2 years basically being roommates. And when I told her I feel like a brother not a lover she just laughs it off. I really struggle with the idea that she is willing to change.
So, get YOUR plan together of what you will do and make sure that you have a timeline -- when you will IMPLEMENT that plan. Give Counseling and her a chance. If you see no significant changes, you can always pull the trigger on your plan.
 

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So you are an Ahole until you decide to leave. Really and you are considering staying? Why?

She is a cheater, i am betting she has cheated since.

All of the marriage consoling BS... Nah, no thank you...

She is acting different for the minute until she has you back under her thumb... Get out...
 

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Discussion Starter #20
So you are an Ahole until you decide to leave. Really and you are considering staying? Why?

She is a cheater, i am betting she has cheated since.

All of the marriage consoling BS... Nah, no thank you...

She is acting different for the minute until she has you back under her thumb... Get out...
I’ve never worried about her being a cheater since we got married. There was a weekend we split up and had decided we were done. I believe she hung out with a mutual guy friend we had. This is a guy who has had the hots for her since they were kids.
She claims nothing happened, espically since this is the weekend that she said the infamous “if she was going to be with an a**hole it might as well be with the a**hole she knows”

So I believe they really only hung out. But I will never know. He always would hang out with her on the weekends that I was out of town. Maybe I was just naive, but they never seemed to be ever hiding things.
 
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