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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi. Thank you for reading and I really hope you will offer your input.

Where should I start? I am in a disastrous marriage. We have been married for 8 years and have 3 children. For the better part of 6 years I have been lonely, isolated, sad, depressed, and have had just a general sense of “loss”.

I start this by saying I have no doubt that he is faithful and truly loves me more than anything else in this world. No doubt! It is just all that in between stuff that I can’t seem to wrap my head around as to what in the heck is going on. We never argue about finances or household chores, instead we argue about sex, where we live, him being distant and emotionally unavailable, etc. When I say argue I don’t mean yelling and screaming I mean silent treatment where he just shuts down and basically says fu and doesn’t say a word to me.

Okay so what’s happening, here are a few examples.

We have sex maybe once a week if I am lucky. It is always ridiculously predictable and boring. Always the same position in the same spot with lights off and QUIET! If you try to talk, say things, etc he silently freaks out and shuts down. I have tried talking to him about it and setting the stage and still nothing. I have one time, yes one time in 8 years gotten the courage up to wear lingerie (I say courage because he is so uneasy and nervous with even the talk of it let alone the act of it). It went over as I expected, he hated it. I still have that same lingerie in my drawer but will never even think about putting it on again.

I have been extremely emotionally honest with him and asked why he never has the desire to rip my clothes off when I come in the door etc. He never has an answer it is always I don’t know.

I recently planned a weekend getaway for us, no kids just the two of us. I mean what could be more prime time for some serious connecting. Needless to say it was disastrous. We had sex 2 times, again same as always. I went out of the way to try to initate a few things and got shot down. Literally, we walked into our room one night and I tried to start undressing him as soon as the door shut and well I was quickly shot down.

We moved to where we live now a few years back for his job and well I don’t like it here. I don’t know if its because of the area or because of our relationship but he won’t even entertain moving from here.

I have several times very honestly in the past couple years told him that I could see myself having an affair and well he acted as though he didn’t hear me. He didn’t ask why? He didn’t go off on me nothing. I put a password on my phone and while he would ask me why I have a password he never got upset or forced me to give the password to him.

It is like we are roommates. We don’t make out, there is no flirting. No kinky texts or emails. Literally I sent him a risqué picture one day and not a word!!! He literally said nothing. Another time he asked what was wrong with me.

So I know those are a bit scattered brain but that’s about how my life and relationship is. There is no initiation from his part. No connection no attempt. He is nice to me but doesn’t connect with me. When we do manage to go out it is like we aren’t even friends. If you put a restriction on conversation and say you can talk about anything except your kids there is zero conversation. I suppose you can say our issues are: sex, connection, emotional availability, true partnership.

When pressed for answers he always says things like I do love you, I do find you attractive, I don’t know why I do the things I do.

So… I am stuck. I am clueless. I don’t know what to do or think about this. Is it normal…do couples just fall into this rut? How do you get out? When do you get out? What else do I try?

As an FYI we went to counseling a few times until the therapist basically fired us saying how he was never going to change and he thinks I’m either going to have to accept it or move out.

I have threatened to move out several times and he always just tells me that he won’t let that happen. I would no doubt have to move out while he is gone because otherwise he really would not let it happen. Just to put it out there: there is no physical violence at all!

Would love to hear thoughts anything. Thanks for reading. I know it is a little scattered.
 

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I have threatened to move out several times and he always just tells me that he won’t let that happen.
Neither of you are taking you seriously, neither you nor he believes you'll follow through with your threats. You can't change him, but you can change yourself. Start making preparations to become independent; it'll give you confidence and quite possibly wake him up.

T
 
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Making him think you are having an affair and threatening to leave him ....OUCH! No wonder he's disconnected! This is not how you go about improving your relationship.

All I can say is that you probably have caused that disconnection by doing the things your doing. I wouldn't want to invest in anyone who makes me feel like a good for nothing.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Tony55 yes that is true. I did return to work about 6 months ago after being a stay at home mom for many years. he has made comments about how he is worried that I took a job to be able to stand on my on two feet. I have casually stated well then step up... work with me. But nothing :(
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Making him think you are having an affair and threatening to leave him ....OUCH! No wonder he's disconnected! This is not how you go about improving your relationship.

All I can say is that you probably have caused that disconnection by doing the things your doing. I wouldn't want to invest in anyone who makes me feel like a good for nothing.
I wish it were that easy. I'd apologize in a heart beat. Those comments have only come in the past 2 years after me enduring a depressing isolation.

Things like me having to see pictures of him and an ex all over his parents house in frames on walls with no one else but me seeing that as weird and not okay. Or his mother talking about another ex in detail during my wedding planning and him sticking up for her.

Or his family railroading my baby shower with yet talk of another ex that I didn't know was an Ex until after when I asked my husband who xxx was. Again he defends them. they were talking about how much weight she had gained...so he defends saying how skinny she used to be. Not hearing me when I say jesus can I not have ex talk at my special times (wedding, baby shower etc).

We have moved several times for his job the very first move meant me leaving behind my childhood home with our first child being only 8 weeks old. Up until that point marriage was not something we had talked about, I just liked where we were at. When I found out that he was being transferred to the other side of the states I asked him one simple thing, marry me before we leave. Don't have me move with you and our baby leaving all my friends and family behind without that commitment. He promised we'd marry before we left....needless to say it didn't happen.

These are just a few of the things. But my point is it was years of me being sad, lonely, reaching out to him, crying to him, etc with no response. Finally, I reached the point where I was worried that if a guy came along and said the right things I was vulnerable so I wasn't honest with him about it. Nothing. Who knows.
 

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Its hard to know what is going on in someone else's mind. He may be the type of guy (like my husband) who is very insecure about everything. He may need a women who is always complimenting him, reassuring him, making love to him, making special effort to ensure he feels affection in order to feel confident.

without those things he may be also feeling isolated and alone. talk to him, find out if he needs that extra attention to feel loved. the next thing would be to decide if you are ready to give it? If not, then you may become resentful and it wouldn't be healthy for either of you.
 

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You aren't married to him?

That kind of changes things. I hope you understand that.

It's time for you to decide what you want in a relationship and if he isn't willing, and I can't think of another thing to try, it's time to move on.

The fact that you aren't married, even though he promised he would, strongly suggests he isn't going to give an inch. EVER. And why should he? You are not married so he has not made a commitment to you. You have assumed mutual cohabitation and parenthood would produce the same sort of commitment, but you now have irrefutable proof that it hasn't and likely won't.

Go back to your home town. Get a job there and make a new life that includes a relationship where you, your thoughts and feelings are valued. You will be much happier eventually.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
No now we are married. I was saying that initially that was one thing that happened. After our first child he got an unexpected job transfer. I asked him to give me that security before we moved away from my "home" together. He promised and then didn't follow through again stating I don't know why. We ended up getting married about a year after the move but again it was more of a I am moving home you failed me. He married me then....never meant the same for me, if that makes sense. I just always sort of felt like I had to "force" it even though he swears it is no different. What I can say is he is so easy going care free nothing ever bothers him. He is "lazy" but in a weird way, he is lazy about the nitty gritty stuff. he is a huge procrastinator.
 

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Your story is hard to get a handle on because something doesn't add up. According to the way you describe it he "loves me more than anything else in this world. No doubt!", yet you spend the next 5 paragraphs making it sound like he can't stand the idea of being intimate with you. Huh?

Then you say you're living like you're just roommates. You don't have meaningful conversations "no initiation ... no connection, no attempt", and, "when we do go out together it's like we aren't even friends". Huh?

How do you get from all that he "loves me more than anything else in this world"?

A marriage based on love involves a couple, a team. It involves doing things together, communication - really liking and caring for each other and believe me, you get those parts right and the sex takes care of itself. There's no greater sex than that which is an expression of love between a couple who are crazy about each other. But sex by itself won't fix anything if the relationship is bad.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
Your story is hard to get a handle on because something doesn't add up. According to the way you describe it he "loves me more than anything else in this world. No doubt!", yet you spend the next 5 paragraphs making it sound like he can't stand the idea of being intimate with you. Huh?

Then you say you're living like you're just roommates. You don't have meaningful conversations "no initiation ... no connection, no attempt", and, "when we do go out together it's like we aren't even friends". Huh?

How do you get from all that he "loves me more than anything else in this world"?

A marriage based on love involves a couple, a team. It involves doing things together, communication - really liking and caring for each other and believe me, you get those parts right and the sex takes care of itself. There's no greater sex than that which is an expression of love between a couple who are crazy about each other. But sex by itself won't fix anything if the relationship is bad.

That is a great point and question. :) I guess when I say he loves me more than anything else I say it because that's is what he tells me. So I take it for true. But yes reading your response I am like hmmmm. Wth :) he always just says I don't know why my actions don't meet my words.
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PLEASE DON'T READ THE FOLLOWING COMMENTS AS BEING CRITICISM !

I MERELY OFFER THEM FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION AS AN EXPLANATION OF YOUR EMOTIONAL MALAISE. THEY ARE A PERSONAL INTERPRETATION FROM A SIGMA WHO ONCE-UPON-A-TIME VACILLATED BETWEEN ALPHA AND BETA BEHAVIOR BEFORE HE WOKE UP.

Hi. Thank you for reading and I really hope you will offer your input.

Where should I start? I am in a disastrous marriage. We have been married for 8 years and have 3 children. For the better part of 6 years I have been lonely, isolated, sad, depressed, and have had just a general sense of “loss”.

You lost your Alpha Male.

I start this by saying I have no doubt that he is faithful and truly loves me more than anything else in this world. No doubt! It is just all that in between stuff that I can’t seem to wrap my head around as to what in the heck is going on. We never argue about finances or household chores, instead we argue about sex, where we live, him being distant and emotionally unavailable, etc. When I say argue I don’t mean yelling and screaming I mean silent treatment where he just shuts down and basically says fu and doesn’t say a word to me.

The Male/Female dynamic has been lost in the relationship.

Okay so what’s happening, here are a few examples.

We have sex maybe once a week if I am lucky. It is always ridiculously predictable and boring. Always the same position in the same spot with lights off and QUIET! If you try to talk, say things, etc he silently freaks out and shuts down. I have tried talking to him about it and setting the stage and still nothing. I have one time, yes one time in 8 years gotten the courage up to wear lingerie (I say courage because he is so uneasy and nervous with even the talk of it let alone the act of it). It went over as I expected, he hated it. I still have that same lingerie in my drawer but will never even think about putting it on again.

Your man has been so deeply domesticated into Beta behavior perpetrated by current cultural poisoning that he displays no Alpha drive at all... he displays no drive or urge "to take you" which you interpret as lack of desire and rejection. You experience this with a growing sense of devaluation.

I have been extremely emotionally honest with him and asked why he never has the desire to rip my clothes off when I come in the door etc. He never has an answer it is always I don’t know.

More proof out of your own mouth that as a female you desire to be "taken" (Alpha behavior despised by politically correct feminized current culture). This desire is normal, it is not allowing a man to exhibit "rape" behavior as feminists claim, but demands expression from the male that you are highly valued and desirable. Lacking this, you feel devalued.

I recently planned a weekend getaway for us, no kids just the two of us. That was his job... the fact that you did it is further devaluing in your feminine mind. I mean what could be more prime time for some serious connecting. Needless to say it was disastrous. We had sex 2 times, again same as always. I went out of the way to try to initate a few things and got shot down. More devaluation because you initiated when it was his role to initiate. Yes, women can and should initiate, but they should not be the primary initiator and when they are the only initiator it is trouble. Literally, we walked into our room one night and I tried to start undressing him as soon as the door shut and well I was quickly shot down.

We moved to where we live now a few years back for his job and well I don’t like it here. I don’t know if its because of the area or because of our relationship but he won’t even entertain moving from here.

I have several times very honestly in the past couple years told him that I could see myself having an affair and well he acted as though he didn’t hear me. He didn’t ask why? He didn't display "possession". He didn’t go off on me nothing. He didn't display "possession". I put a password on my phone and while he would ask me why I have a password he never got upset or forced me to give the password to him. Did I remember to say he didn't display "possession"?

It is like we are roommates. We don’t make out, there is no flirting. No kinky texts or emails. Literally I sent him a risqué picture one day and not a word!!! He literally said nothing. Another time he asked what was wrong with me. He's completely succumbed to politically correct feminist norms. Congratulations ! Your husband has been neutered !

So I know those are a bit scattered brain but that’s about how my life and relationship is. There is no initiation from his part. No connection no attempt. Betas don't "lead", they "ask permission" and are... what's that? He is nice to me but doesn’t connect with me. That's right !... they are "NICE" guys. Like the one's you friend zoned when you were young. When we do manage to go out it is like we aren’t even friends. If you put a restriction on conversation and say you can talk about anything except your kids there is zero conversation. Beta's don't pursue. I suppose you can say our issues are: sex, connection, emotional availability, true partnership. No, your issue is that your husband has become a fully domesticated modern Beta lap dog who has conformed himself to the feminist demands of our modern politically correct culture and your feminine id is starving because of it.

When pressed for answers he always says things like I do love you, I do find you attractive, I don’t know why I do the things I do.

Sheep, cows, pigs, and other domesticated animals don't know why they do the things they do either.

So… I am stuck. I am clueless. I don’t know what to do or think about this. Is it normal…do couples just fall into this rut? How do you get out? When do you get out? What else do I try?

As an FYI we went to counseling a few times until the therapist basically fired us saying how he was never going to change and he thinks I’m either going to have to accept it or move out.

Well, you were on the right track with the lingerie, but that was premature in my opinion, because you have first got to get his attention through verbal communication and that can be very difficult when men have sunk this deep into the Beta Zone... Men can be DENSE, but if you truly care about this man, you are going to have to be very patient, very literal, and speak in short syllabled words to make sure that he is understanding your dissatisfaction. As long as he has not strayed from you for emotional or physical relations with a female outside of your relationship, then he can be reignited IF you can communicate your DESIRE and NEED for his attention. Let me give you a secret about men... THEY DON'T GET MARRIED OR COMMIT TO A WOMAN IN ORDER TO INTENTIONALLY DISAPPOINT THEM.

I have threatened to move out several times and he always just tells me that he won’t let that happen. You see? I told you he doesn't intend to disappoint. I would no doubt have to move out while he is gone because otherwise he really would not let it happen. I doubt seriously that he meant he would stop you from leaving, but that he would do whatever you needed to stay. Just to put it out there: there is no physical violence at all!

Would love to hear thoughts anything. Thanks for reading. I know it is a little scattered.
You need to clearly communicate your need for the man who "needed" you when you first met. You need to be patient, but persistent in your message to him for his demonstration of affection and desire. When you do this you must make sure he has no need to "ask permission"... you don't "want" him to "ask permission" , but being a domesticated Betazoid, he has been fully neutered and it can take some subtle work to snap him out of it. I would suggest you get him a copy of The Married Man's Sex Life Primer ( but don't you read it, just give it to him and forget I told you this...LOL) and tell him he needs to relearn how to light your fire before sombody else does. All of this is, of course, JMO and YMMV
 

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Somethin' about that guy ain't right. Maybe you're his beard.
What happened Mach? Was this case just too painful to respond to? Of course your exquisitely concise comment here does sum up the problem, but you are usually more elaborate in your response... cat got your tongue?:scratchhead:
 
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