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A brief background on my status. I have been married for 20 years and separated for three months. My husband gave me the ILYBINILWY speech, told me he isn't sure he ever really loved me, and left. I have been told there is OW, but he denies this, of course.

During the separation, he is very angry with me. He blames me and says that I made living with me "impossible". I cooked, cleaned, did his laundry, and was open to whatever activities he ever wanted to do. I don't see how this is defined as impossible, but whatever. We have a 13 year old child.

The other night he came to the house. In about five minutes time we were screaming at each other over our child's counselor's suggestion that we try to make Thanksgiving as "normal" as possible - meaning limiting the running around to every family member under the sun's house. I was explaining this and he got angry and said that I am not going to tell him what to do any more. Long story short, in the middle of this, he began verbally berating our child! Our child then got in his face and smacked at him. He returned by punching him hard in the shoulder/upper arm area. I screamed at him to get out and never get back. He didn't move so I pushed him and he pushed me back, knocking down a lamp and other things off a table. He finally left and I was shaking as I called the police to report this. The police officer seemed to downplay everything. He told me it was not considered child abuse that it was 2nd degree assault and that pursuing it criminally probably wouldn't get me anywhere.

We need a break for weeks, if not months from having contact with him. There is no custody arrangement in place. What do we do to ensure that we don't have to see him until WE are ready? I have a feeling he is going to think that he should see his child again by Thanksgiving. Please, all help is appreciated!
 

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A brief background on my status. I have been married for 20 years and separated for three months. My husband gave me the ILYBINILWY speech, told me he isn't sure he ever really loved me, and left. I have been told there is OW, but he denies this, of course.

During the separation, he is very angry with me. He blames me and says that I made living with me "impossible". I cooked, cleaned, did his laundry, and was open to whatever activities he ever wanted to do. I don't see how this is defined as impossible, but whatever. We have a 13 year old child.

The other night he came to the house. In about five minutes time we were screaming at each other over our child's counselor's suggestion that we try to make Thanksgiving as "normal" as possible - meaning limiting the running around to every family member under the sun's house. I was explaining this and he got angry and said that I am not going to tell him what to do any more. Long story short, in the middle of this, he began verbally berating our child! Our child then got in his face and smacked at him. He returned by punching him hard in the shoulder/upper arm area. I screamed at him to get out and never get back. He didn't move so I pushed him and he pushed me back, knocking down a lamp and other things off a table. He finally left and I was shaking as I called the police to report this. The police officer seemed to downplay everything. He told me it was not considered child abuse that it was 2nd degree assault and that pursuing it criminally probably wouldn't get me anywhere.

We need a break for weeks, if not months from having contact with him. There is no custody arrangement in place. What do we do to ensure that we don't have to see him until WE are ready? I have a feeling he is going to think that he should see his child again by Thanksgiving. Please, all help is appreciated!
A lawyer could best advise but here is what was told by my lawyer in Canada. No order means you are not violating any court by not sending your son. Also no police officer will come to your door forcing your son to go with dad as they enforce existing orders only - they are not decision makers. Good news is your son is 13. If a custody battle were to happen and you get questioned as to why you won't send son with dad, both you and son have a valid reason backed by police file number. It might not be charged assault but sure not great parenting style. That said - is this your husband's usual behaviour or way out of whack? If this is odd behaviour, I would suggest family counselling including your son prior to future visits. He has to gain everyone's trust back plus deal with his issues. If this is how he normally is, he needs way more work plus supervised visits prior to resuming relationship with free access to son. Good news is son is 13 and can speak for himself.
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A lawyer could best advise but here is what was told by my lawyer in Canada. No order means you are not violating any court by not sending your son. Also no police officer will come to your door forcing your son to go with dad as they enforce existing orders only - they are not decision makers. Good news is your son is 13. If a custody battle were to happen and you get questioned as to why you won't send son with dad, both you and son have a valid reason backed by police file number. It might not be charged assault but sure not great parenting style. That said - is this your husband's usual behaviour or way out of whack? If this is odd behaviour, I would suggest family counselling including your son prior to future visits. He has to gain everyone's trust back plus deal with his issues. If this is how he normally is, he needs way more work plus supervised visits prior to resuming relationship with free access to son. Good news is son is 13 and can speak for himself.
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Also, it's you that needs to tell dad this. Son doesn't need more drama in his house. If husband has access to your home, ask lawyer about legal right to change locks or just do it claiming dumb and that you lost a key. You and son need to feel secure in your home.
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There is no custody arrangement in place. What do we do to ensure that we don't have to see him until WE are ready? I have a feeling he is going to think that he should see his child again by Thanksgiving. Please, all help is appreciated!
Every parent has the right to see his child !

Every child has the right to see his parent(s) !

Thanksgiving , Christmas , Easter , Birthdays etc ... it should be a way to arrange something just in the name of the child !
 

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Every parent has the right to see his child !

Every child has the right to see his parent(s) !

Thanksgiving , Christmas , Easter , Birthdays etc ... it should be a way to arrange something just in the name of the child !
Sorry I disagree. Every child has a right to see their healthy parent. Dad needs to be in a healthy place. A child is a human being not property. There will be more holidays. Kids rights trump dad's rights til he gets his sh!t together
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Ridiculous reaction by the police; where I live, such an incident is AUTOMATICALLY a domestic abuse case! And even if the victim does not press charges, the police DO.
 

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Sorry I disagree. Every child has a right to see their healthy parent. Dad needs to be in a healthy place. A child is a human being not property. There will be more holidays. Kids rights trump dad's rights til he gets his sh!t together
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I partially agree with you !

Dad can get better as much as he wants , but if the kid lives with mom and she tell him 10 times per day " Your dad is an Evil Monster " , then when they met the kid will be distant and scare ... and that may piss the " better dad " more because he'll know why the kid behave like this !

Just my 2 cents !
 

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I agree with all parties here. The dad obviously needs to get better. My dad used to hit me just like that when i lived with him. 10 minutes later he was a sobbing mess about it. I does not matter if he is sorry, he should not do it in the first place.

As for every right to see the child, I agree. A healthy parent has every right to have unsupervised rights to see their child, but in this case, the dad hit his kid (not a spanking, but a closed handed punch). He does not deserve to see the kid right now, as that could put your son in harms way. Your child should not have struck him first, though. He is a kid, not an adult. He has no right to lay a hand on his parent (or anyone for that matter). The dad yelled at the child and his response is to hit him? To me, it seems your son is heading down the same path as your husband (thinking it is OK to hit someone during an argument). I would nip that now. He needs to know that is unacceptable.

Obviously, your husband should have been the bigger man and walked away. No one should tolerate physical abuse.

Just some food for thought.
 

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There was no reason for your kid to lay hands at his father....he did a mistake in the first place and no father would like that. I completely disagree that it is your Husband's fault, there was no reason for your kid to starta fight, no matter what.
I agree, but the father is an adult. He should know better than to physically retaliate at the kid.
 

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I agree, but the father is an adult. He should know better than to physically retaliate at the kid.
I agree but it sounds like the OP had a role in this too. "We were both screaming at each other". Screaming just ecalates bad situations.

If you push me, in all likeliehood, I'm going to push back. Especially under those volatile circumstances.

They just need to stay away from each other if they can't discuss things calmly.
 

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@Zappy , I agree with you . This is why my statements above.

When a fight is happening is both parties fault no matter what they say . If you don't wanna fight you can easily end it or move out ... here she say withing 5 min the yell each other , so it isn't his fault only that is for sure .
 

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The child is 13.

Old enough to establish which household he wants to live in.

If he doesn't want to do 50/50 then it should be considered.

Establish a parenting plan with your sons input included.

If you 2 cannot get along then stop contact with each other.
 

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If what you want is a break from H, you will have to go to court.
You have the option to pursue assault charges, seek immediate custody, obtain a temporary restraining order. Until the courts are involved there is nothing you can do to force your H to stay away.
Short of involving the courts, is there any family member your H would listen to about a "cease-fire" during the holidays. Your separation is still fresh and people are hurting.
 

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Discussion Starter #14
Thank you for all the advice so far.

I do agree that we were both at fault for getting so heated so quickly. I screamed at him because he was screaming at me. Not good. We need to stay away from each other until we can figure out a way to communicate properly.

I also agree that my son should never have gotten in his father's face. That was wrong and we talked about it. Prior to him doing that, his father was telling him all the things that he thinks are "wrong" with him - "flaws" as he called them. It was totally unnecessary and hurtful so I can understand his frustration. The whole thing was bad and I will never allow it to happen again.

I still believe that my son should be allowed a break from visiting with his father until our situation is healthier all the way around. I think forcing him to go right now so soon after all of this has happened and there is so much hurt is a mistake.
 

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First take a deep breath, this has escalated to way too high of a level. Secondly, you and your son are not a WE her. You and your husband were in this verbal battle, that NEVER should have happened in front of your son. He obviously felt that he had to protect you and so he physically stood up to his father. He NEVER should have felt that he needed to do this. YOU need to take responsibility for your part of the event. The reaction by the police is because they saw this event for what it was here.

Now you and your husband need a break, that is fine, but don't include your son in your problems. Sit down like adults and come to a plan and only contact one another when it is completely necessary. Let both of you heal a little bit for deciding how to proceed. Both of you are at fault .... own it ... then fix it.
 
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