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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
I am 45 and never been married. He is 57, a widower for 5 years. He has 2 adult sons who aged 29 and 24. They both has a good career and independent. We both are professional and share the same hobbies. Friends are happy for us being together.

We are thinking of getting marry next year that creates a lot of think. He has 3 houses and 1 fully paid up and 2 not. I have 2 houses which all are under mortgage. One day, he said that once he retires 3 years later, he will use the retirement fund to pay up the 2 mortgage sof 2 houses and give it to his sons immediately; and if he passes away, he will leave the fully-paid one to his sons, too. I feel not happy on what he said but can't find a reason to support why I am unhappy.

We are both independent and he lived with his wife for long years and raised sons together, whatever he has now, it's okay and naturally to go to his sons. I am not entitled to share thess. I know it's reasonable but don't know why I am not happy.

By the way, some advicers on the web suggest to seperate accounts for a marriied couple. I have no kid and should I leave my money for my sister, brother, nephew if I die earlier as he does not plan to leave me anything.

He said he will move into my house after we getting married while to lease all his houses out. Should I ask him to share our coming living costs especially after he retires, how should we live, on my money as I still have 15 years to retire.

Am I thinking too much ? Am I too mean ? Or do I really love him as if I do, I suppose willing to give unconditionally.

Anyone can give me advice and help.

Cheers.
Snowny
 

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You could not get married and just have a commitment ceremony.
And yes, have him pay rent to you as well as expenses.
If you are friends and get along great then he should not have a problem with this, especially if he is having rent income from paid up houses. Make sure you get enough rent for a maid. At your age (which is just a bit younger than mine) you have not been used to doing laundry and cleaning up after a man.

Here is why I think you shouldn't get married. Even though I am generally pro-marriage. It's because if he is not leaving you anything he is not considering the age difference between the two of you. Statistically speaking, he will need nursing and extended care well before you. Guess who is going to foot the bill for that if you're married? His houses will belong to his sons. You have two houses. Guess who could be destitute, with a husband in a nursing home, still working her butt off at age 70. No marriage. Live together. Protect your assets. Not get yourself into a situation that will benefit his sons and himself at your expense. I know you are independent and all, but that doesn't mean giving unconditionally to someone who doesn't need it. Plus, your houses might become common property especially if he's living in one of them and can show that he earned income that might have contributed to the mortgage of the other one during a marriage.

The last words of some of my older relatives to me - the ones who really cared about me - were 'Never give it away for free.' It seems harsh, but look, you have worked hard to be where you are. If you can have a relationship with this guy that will benefit you emotionally and physically but not cost you a dime and even help with your equity, if he loves you, he will fully support that. If he insists on being married, and also doesn't want to be in a situation where it's not going to cost you a dime to have a husband, I would question his intentions. It's not a matter of how much you love him, it's a matter of how much you love and respect yourself, and whether he can meet that standard.
 

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You are not being mean he is....


[/QUOTE]

Negotiate all this in writing. Walk away from him if you cannot agree.

Whatever you do, do not sign on to be his unpaid caretaker in his dotage.[/QUOTE]
:iagree:
 

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There seems to be a lot of financial red flags for me--- so I would be cautious if I were you.

He has his own 3 houses, but expects to move into your house? He expects to lease those 3 houses to make money-- but has he said what he'll help cover for you and your mortgage payments?

He has a plan to support his sons, but what plans does he have to support his wife if he marries you?

Seems that he wants to take your assets and use you. I really would not walk into a marriage with him thinking that way.
 

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You're unhappy because now that you're finally with someone you want to marry, you want to be swept off your feet and told you're the most important person in the world, and him making this decision makes you feel like you're important, but not THAT important. It's hurting your ego.
 

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Discussion Starter #7
Thanks for all your kindness response and comment.

Tuernera is right, it hurts my ego while words come from his mouth, even I know he loves his sons much more than me. That's natural, his sons with him for more than 20 years.

Definitely, I will talk with him. In fact, he asked whether we should move back to his old house, the fully paid one. He bought a new small house that close to mine a year before in order to get close to me...haha.... I told him better not as his house is full of happy and sweet memories of him and his wife. I will be jealouse or feeling not comfortable. Plus I dont want to leave after he's gone one day as the house will belong to his sons.

We also think about buying a new house together, but he does not want we will worry about the motgage after his retirement. He told me frankly that he does not have any extra money for the initial deposit, if I really want, he needs to do remortagage again for the fully paid one.

He also wants to live his young son who will be back to the country 2 months later, but my house is not good enough for 4 people, we 2 plus son plus maid. So he said he will let the son and the maid stay now in his small house and he moves to me. I think I should ask him to set an account together, I take the house now I have and he input similar money for all household expenses and leave moeny for travelling and spending. I don't care whether he retires soon or not as he can get rental money from the fully-paid one. His two sons to take care the mortgage for the two small houses which planned for them if they leave there. If not, rent it out and use the rental money for the mortgage.

Hmmm... need to think how to talk to him which i think it's most fair. Don't you think so ?

Anyway, thanks to you all again.
 

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You have a financial advisor?
If not, shop around.
Talk to other women at place like Business and Professional Women's Association meetings (you can go to a meeting out of interest or to network, don't need to be a member to go to one...)
You have worked hard. If this man truly loves you and wants you to be financially secure no matter what, then he will have no problems agreeing to what will protect your assets and investments during the marriage. (Maybe you need a trust or something, I don't know.) If he has problems with it, then perhaps it is time to take a break from the relationship. People do all sorts of things out of fear, even men, although us women generally like to think they have the upper hand when it comes to financial management...and this is where we give up power that rightly belongs to each person, regardless of gender.
 

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Discussion Starter #10
Thanks again.

Yes you both are right. Money is the loyal friend of woman and it gives me sense of security. I don't think his sons will take care of me when I am old, so I need to depend on myself. I will take good arrangement on my financial matters. I am not greedy to swallow his but I don't want he will depend on me. I am not keen to calculate every cent but at least that's the principal.

I appreicate for all support to let me know I am not that mean and I am doing something to be fair to myself.

:awink:
 
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