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What is the best way to solve arousal problems?


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I have been married about 2 years and me and my wife dated about 2 years (half the time during those two years I was away) before we got married. Sex was great in the beginning but then I started having issues being aroused by her. It became so bad that nothing she would do would arouse me. I mean nothing. I was sexually very very active before her and I couldn't understand why this was happening to me. I went to the doctor to get my testosterone tested also. Physically I was told I was fine. I was in situations where I could get a hard on (and I could feel it) by simply being physically close to another woman. I have had situations where someone would flirt and I would immediately feel that I would be able to have great sex. I took viagra and it didn't help, I watched porn to arouse myself and then have sex and it worked only when I was actually into porn and would not get it up with her. My wife is gorgeous, I mean she is tall, perfectly built, beautiful hair, looks I mean text book/magazine perfect and I don't get it. Rationally I want to have sex with her and be with her but my arousal system betrays me. I was once travelling (i travel often) and I started chatting with a random woman at a bar. A little tipsy I flirted with her to the point that I was having a hard on that I hadn't experienced with my wife since we started going out. I stopped but it was tempting. The other woman was incidentally also married and about the same age. Point is, my system works, my rational mind works, my sexual arousal system doesn't. Now I went to a therapist and he suggested I talk to my wife. I had that 'talk' but then what? I bought books, stimulant creams from a sex store. It doesn't work. I have had dreams about my numerous other partners and I have a hard on in the morning but with her I fail. I want my marriage to work and I want kids with her. I am failing while she sits and is patiently supporting me. The taste of change got to me and now it is destroying my marriage. Can anyone suggest something really solid? Even a medicine? Getting a new woman is not a problem getting the right one is and she is the right one and deserves better. And yes I love her.
 

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Typical testosterone levels in men range from 250ng/dl to 850 ng/dl. You could test at 251 and your doctor would say it's in the "normal" range. Typical testosterone for a 45 year old male averages about 600. So 251, while in the normal range, is certainly not optimal. NEVER accept a doctor telling you that you're in the normal range without getting the actual number.

Oh, and I didn't answer your poll. I don't answer polls that are set up as "public" polls.
 

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Wow, seems like you've explored all the right things. Sounds like it's some switch is clicking off in your mind when you think of her. Try a dual sex and marriage therapist. One that is familiar with in Dr. David Schnarch theories. Passionate Marriage They are noted for being very successful. Hope you find what it is. Good luck.
 

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I think I may know where you're coming from because I sometimes used to feel like I wasn't "attracted" to my wife even though I loved her. I think that maybe you just get off on the idea of being with other women and you view that as a turn on and since you already have your wife you feel like the challenge and thrill of being with her maybe lost or gone. I think this may be a phase for you though. I know that when I was intimate with my wife I snapped out of it eventually because we did things that turned me on and her on too and we were able to talk about it. Maybe do some role play or something. Try something new and do some freaky stuff lol. Anything to spice it up. Do this especially if she is willing to! There's nothing greater than a woman who will do whatever you want sexually to make you happy and to satisfy you as a man. You're going to be ok
 

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Hi. the poll I just randomly made. I didn't know how this site worked so I had just checked the poll option. anyways my testosterone was tested at 800 and a coworker of mine who was interested in me I flirted with her occasionally and I mean I could feel it that I could literally devour her but common sense prevailed each time. I bought passionate marriage and another book that said a bunch of verbose stuff but perhaps I don't give it a real chance.

So_hurt my wife is turned off my porn. I suggested we watch it and then do it. I think it would be hurtful for her when she sees that I get turned on by watching other women. perhaps a last resort would be to watch porn I guess. The doctor said there is a chemical released in our brains that causes arousal wonder if I can pop a pill to release that magic potion. I am clueless and beginning to get desparate.
 

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Hi Anchor it indeed is a switch I am more and more convinced. I even have the book passionate marriage. Not helping myself or not watching porn so I would get frustrated and want to have sex has not worked :(
 

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The book can be a very tedious read and the points get lost quickly. That's why i suggested seeing an MC that uses the techniques in practice, as you've done all the DIY stuff and have been unsuccessful.
 
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You aren't alone in your experience, Wishdom. I wrote about this just recently at http://jellygator.hubpages.com/hub/What-is-Madonna-*****-Syndrome

(When you click the link, it will say the page doesn't exist and then it will have a link to it as "other helpful pages" because one of the words triggers the filter here.)

Sometimes the fact that a man loves a woman can end up being the very thing that makes him have a hard time being sexually intimate with her. It's not the only reason, but it's pretty common and rarely discussed.
 

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Hi Kathy,
Thanks so much for the reply. This is it. This is exactly it (except that I don't hate women, at least never thought I did) but yes everything else described is verbatim correct. The suggested solution is a bit scary too especially the first point mentioned. What scares me is that the page also says 'deeply rooted psychological issues like this are nearly impossible to treat' and if there is improvement it is not so much. I have blamed my promiscuity on my problems and this psychological issue not beig curable is scary. I will give the book a read.
 

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Wow, seems like you've explored all the right things. Sounds like it's some switch is clicking off in your mind when you think of her. Try a dual sex and marriage therapist. One that is familiar with in Dr. David Schnarch theories. Passionate Marriage They are noted for being very successful. Hope you find what it is. Good luck.
:iagree:

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She may not just turn you on sadly.

My head and my 2nd head frequently disagree.

I've had the same problem. Dated a girl who was beautiful and attractive in nearly everyway. Didn't matter though because I couldn't get stiff. Took pills, watched porn, whole nine like you.

Until I just realized that while shes attractive shes just simply not my type.

I'm attracted to women, but I find myself more sexually attracted to women with a certain body type and face. When it comes to sex, flawlessly beautiful type women wouldn't turn me on and I'd be flaccid. My mind can appreciate their beauty, but my body doesn't. Maybe its just that I find imperfection more appealing than perfection because when its a more pretty, passionate, and real like woman(like my GF) I have no problems whatsoever and can even get hard again directly after.

In this case, the second head really rules supreme. You like what you like, whether it makes sense or not.

I hear this can be caused by deep seated emotions and feelings, not necessarily trauma or just bad ones either.
 

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Discussion Starter #13 (Edited)
Is it a pscyhological thing? Do you masturbate a lot?

Has this been a problem for you in the past and how long as this been occurring?
No I don't even masturbate a lot. Definitely psychological and has been around for a year now .. chronic arousal problems. If I could I would inject a chemical to make my brain release those chemicals that arouse me. I tested LH levels, testosterone etc and they are all fine.
 

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She may not just turn you on sadly.

My head and my 2nd head frequently disagree.

I've had the same problem. Dated a girl who was beautiful and attractive in nearly everyway. Didn't matter though because I couldn't get stiff. Took pills, watched porn, whole nine like you.

Until I just realized that while shes attractive shes just simply not my type.

I'm attracted to women, but I find myself more sexually attracted to women with a certain body type and face. When it comes to sex, flawlessly beautiful type women wouldn't turn me on and I'd be flaccid. My mind can appreciate their beauty, but my body doesn't. Maybe its just that I find imperfection more appealing than perfection because when its a more pretty, passionate, and real like woman(like my GF) I have no problems whatsoever and can even get hard again directly after.

In this case, the second head really rules supreme. You like what you like, whether it makes sense or not.

I hear this can be caused by deep seated emotions and feelings, not necessarily trauma or just bad ones either.
I thought about that, that maybe deep inside I like brunettes and since she is blond that's probably why I am not attracted to her but then I like other women who are blond too. What you say is exactly what I feel physically and my nether regions don't agree with me. It did initially and that's why I don't wish to give up on her because the problem is me not her :(
 

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Wow, seems like you've explored all the right things. Sounds like it's some switch is clicking off in your mind when you think of her. Try a dual sex and marriage therapist. One that is familiar with in Dr. David Schnarch theories. Passionate Marriage They are noted for being very successful. Hope you find what it is. Good luck.
Hi Anchor, sorry I just checked and the book I have is not the one you mentioned here. The name struck because I did see it on amazon but ended up buying a few others. Reading then was tedious. I will order this book from amazon. If I do find success in whatever method is successful I would definitely come back and contribute to the forum. I will also buy just now the book Kathy recommended in her blog.
 

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Hi Kathy,
Thanks so much for the reply. This is it. This is exactly it (except that I don't hate women, at least never thought I did) but yes everything else described is verbatim correct. The suggested solution is a bit scary too especially the first point mentioned. What scares me is that the page also says 'deeply rooted psychological issues like this are nearly impossible to treat' and if there is improvement it is not so much. I have blamed my promiscuity on my problems and this psychological issue not beig curable is scary. I will give the book a read.
I say those issues are nearly impossible to treat because it means a person must acknowledge the problem, want to change it, and be willing to get outside of their comfort zone. If you're willing to do all these things, I believe there is hope.

I wish you the best in finding a way to open up and see your lovely wife as a good woman who also happens to be sexual.
 

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Hi yes I do acknowledge the problem and we have talked about it openly as well. I am seriously thinking of joining therapy if that's what I need to do. Otherwise we are like perfectly good together, we have no financial stress, we travel around the world we accept each others points of views .. she is an atheist while I'm a believer which was an issue for me but I got over it .. and sex was like more than 15 times a week during the first six months we were together. And my little one does work :(
 

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Maybe you need to figure out eachothers' love languages (go online and do the test) and that may help.

Read "His Needs, Her Needs."

It sounds like she is definitely into you. It's almost like you are blocking it for her (hence the whole how you're not into blondes--but you married her knowing she was blonde). I feel bad for your wife.

Definitely make an effort to sort this out! Spice up the bedroom!



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...Now I went to a therapist and he suggested I talk to my wife. I had that 'talk' but then what?....
Your poll says medicine, books, excersize and shrink. Then you put 'talk' in quotes and say 'now what'. Arousal isnt in a creme or a pill and a book isnt going to tell you what to do for the most part. You cant fix something mechanicaly and get a boner. Dont think 'arousal. Think 'desire'. (perhaps that is just splitting hairs and playing with words... but Im trying to make a point.)

But - you say you are only aroused by a certain body type - or that is what you believe. Thinking like this can be a problem all by itself - if thats what is going through your head when you look at your wife.

Im leaning towards the 'how is the relationship outside the bedroom' and couples therapy angle. This is not about having equipment that doesnt work. You know this already.
 
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