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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I'm glad to find a good site that has a lot of helpful posts. My situation has been going down hill for 14 years, been married 20. The last 2 years have been in marriage couseling together. Before that, I had counseling to try to deal with my own anxiety. I have brought up in our marriage couseling alot of the issues that have bother me for years. We have not been able to discuss most things because it ends in an arguement. She has to have everything her way, but it is wrong 95% of the time. We have a huge organization problem. She wont pick up hardly anything now. Her side of the bed has about 6 piles around it. I have nothing accumulating and usually try to keep my side neat. Her sink has 10 to 40 drinking glasses piled around it. Mine is clean. The rest of the house is simlar, including one spare room that you can barely get the door open. I have never seen problems like this and it was keeping up most nights worrying about it. Now in counseling, she has been confronted about it and she has lots of excuses. Now 2 years into counseling, and not much has changed. I also do most of the cooking, but she does help out some. That becomes another arguement because she will find something that she may not like and attack me on it, and I resent that and have to fight back, again. She carrys alot of negative emotions about me and I used to feel like the bad guy. We have alot of negative arguements, which she is usually starting. Since counseling, i realized only she can change this. I have tried to separate my self from all these issues. It has helped be to get better sleep, no anxiety, or depression. I feel much better not having to deal with her issues. But that can only go so far. She will also argue that I dont try to do things with her, which I do and it ends up in another arguement. I have realized, now in my 50s, that I dont have the energy to keep going with all the arguments, cleaning up after her, taking care of the house, taking care of all the bills, and kids, and having to deal with her put downs, and feeling like the bad guy. So I am calculating what is next for this situation. I gave it 2 years to try to settle it down and bring it together, but the results are not looking good. She even attacks the counseling we are seeing saying Im just trying to do what the counselor wants, and not what she wants. This is our second counselor also, but we have been with this one for about 1 1/2 years. I would look forward to your suggestions. I obviously have my own ideas, but I dont like to make quick discisions with these situtations, and try to be patient. Thanks.
 

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Have you tried an ultimatum? In other words, she has 30 days to clean her mess and get with the program or the marriage is over?

Of course, you will have to be willing to follow through, however, perhaps you need a certain specific time frame for her to get her act together "or else".

All that counseling doesn't appear to have helped. And sometimes, (like with addictions etc) "tough love" is the answer.

Have you considered that option?
 

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:iagree:

It sounds like your wife married a Daddy so she could remain a little girl. You can't solve her problems and neither can she if she doesn't even agree that what she does is a problem.

Set your move out/end date. Give specific expectations on what will prompt you to believe this relationship has a chance to get better and be firm.
Clean her own messes within a set time.
Leave her side of the room free of extra clothing each day.
Prepare a certain number of meals per week.
Take her turn cleaning the kitchen a certain number of times per week.

All those things are normal behaviors and the fact that she's whining about getting a pass on being a normal person speaks volumes about her level of normalcy. That she attacks when held accountable is a bit alarming at her age. That she argues with the therapist trying to assist your relationship... Oh Boy!

I think your anxiety might be exacerbated by the fact that you know you can't count on her for anything, but she totally relies on you for everything. That's a lot of baggage for you to carry around.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Thank you for your comments. Yes, my counselor concurs that I have carried alot in this. Even the work the counselor has asked us to do, I'm always delivering what was requested, and wif is always has some excuse why she didn't. She has tried a few of the request, but nothing was ever followed through. I have given several time frames, like before the end of the year, lets have this done. Or, by June, let has this done, and they never get done. I hired an organizer to help her with the stuff. She has 3 visits and said she does not like what this person does. That was $1,000 wasted. I have tried everything here, I think the tough love might work, but I would not expect results. I was feeling alot of pressure from her not helping, and when I had to do more travel several years ago, she complained every nite on the phone. I don't travel any more, but there are still lots of problems. Thanks, any more comments would be appreciated.
 

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Pls. dump her
 
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