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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I am feeling a bit self conscious, and just want to vent.

I have posted on here that I suffer from untreated depression/anxiety. To the point of having suicidal thoughts at times. I am also ridiculously terrified of doctors offices. So, not a good combination.

My H has always been frustrated with me that I won't go to the doctor when I need to. He doesn't understand my fear (he actually laughs at me a little, he doesn't get how serious I am). When he laughs or tries to be light hearted about it, I shut down and change the subject because I am very ashamed of this fear and my various mental health issues. I feel judged, so I don't want to talk about it. He's not a malicious person, he just really doesn't get it. So, as a result, I don't talk to him much about my medical problems (mental and physical). I try to power through everything but occasionally it becomes too much and I become withdrawn and need a lot of personal space to feel better. He can see at these times that I am ailing, begs me to go to the doctor, I won't go and he gets tired of me not going so we end up at a stalemate. Now he just leaves me alone when I feel bad, and welcomes me back with open arms when I am normal again.

Recently I had a scare and prompted me to get over my fear and make an appt. I told him I had the appt. It was this morning. All of last night and this morning I was sick with fear...panic attacks and the whole bit. I know it'd stupid. I didn't tell him what was on my mind, but he knew I was preoccupied with my thoughts last night. So over dinner he asks "Aren't you excited for your appt tomorrow?" Very sarcastically. I know he was just trying to break the ice. But, yuck. I just said no, not really and tried to change the subject. I was really trying to just keep mymind off of it. But he kept making little jabs like that the whole night. In my twisted mind, it kind of felt likehe was making fun of me a bit for my fear? I let it go because I believe he means well. But, anyone who suffers from an honest phobia might know that you really lack the ability to find humor in your fear. He doesn't get it.

So, I went this morning, spent 1.5 hrs spilling my guts to the doctor, and walked out of there with a sense of relief and pride in myself for getting through it. I also got a few prescriptions, one of them is my first ever anxiety/depression medication. Most of all I finally felt a sense of hope, and see a shred of light at the end of this tunnel I've been in for a long time now.

I gave my H a quick synopsis of the appt afterwards because he was eager to hear how ir went. I listed the Meds she prescribed me and he picked up right away that one of them was a depression med. So, he starts in with..."she really gave that to you? Your really going to take that? What if it changes who you are? You don't really need that. Are you sure you are ok with taking that?"

And similar sentiments over the last several emails he's sent me today while I have been at work.

Now, growing up in my family, mental health issues are abundant but they are treated like a dirty little secret. No one talked about it and there's a lot of shame about it. Rationally I know that's stupid but old thoughts are engrained in me to feel ashamed of having these problems.

So now my sense of hope, relief and pride transformed into feeling judged by him and self conscious about it. I think he means no harm, but it hurts a lot and I am very sensitive when it comes to this topic. I am not sure how to discuss this with him without being overly emotional about it. I do feel like I warrant being medicated for my mental stability and health and it brings back chilling memories of being judged as a child when I hear his comments and endless questions. I honestly wish I didn't tell him everything about my appt but I really didn't expect the commentary afterwards. :(

Thanks for letting me vent.
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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Thank you so much for the words of encouragement, it really means a lot. I may try the letter, I hadn't thought of that.

I really don't think he means to be callous or cruel, I think he is uncomfortable when I am in a bad place and doesn't know what to do, which results in putting his foot in his mouth a lot. I don't know what to tell him to do, either.

This is becoming quite a problem. I am by nature a very private and closed off person when it comes to the areas in my life where I am most vulnerable and have the most raw emotion attached. I have a very hard time showing emotion period but especially sadness and fear. Very few people in my life have ever seen me cry or express a need for help. I would like to begin the path to change this about myself because clearly the method of stuffing all my emotions away and stifling them is not healthy and is presenting itself as physical ailments that are making me sick. (Migraines, IBS, depression, anxiety). I have a very hard time being vulnerable in front pf anyone, husband included and in our eight year relationship I don't think I have ever truly leaned on him 100% for support or shared my deepest most shameful thoughts and fears.

So, I see that he is very uncomfortable with me showing this side of myself. I pride myself as being infallible and now he is seeing I am capable of hitting rock bottom and needing help to get back up. I would imagine he feels a lot of panic, not having a clue how to handle this new side of me, and worrying he might fail at it somehow. I can't talk him through this though. Usually I am very good at giving him a clear set of guidelines of what u would likehim to do for me when I need him and he responds well to that...this time I am just lost, and don't know what to do anymore. For once I admitted I don't have all the answers and he is clearly uncomfortablr with that and tries to deflect it through humor and concern, but in my raw state I am more easily bruised by some of his failed good intentions.

I have a feeling that if I truly go down this path to find more balance and let my vulnerability out, it is going to change the dynamic of our relationship. I have always been the powerhouse that is the pillar of support for everyone else, never wanted the attention to be on me.

I just don't know what to tell him, even in a letter. I want his support. I don't want to scare him away or make him think he is a failure, because he is so sensitive to criticism as it is. Any ideas what I could say/write to him to get the conversation started?
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