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Argh. Feeling terrible.

1654 Views 6 Replies 5 Participants Last post by  TeR
I have health problems. Trying to get them under control, get a real diagnosis and some real treatment. While on this journey, my doc has started me on some SSRI's because I am losing my mind in the process.

My illness is not typical. I feel bad most of the day, everyday, but sporadically I will have a few hours here or there where I feel great. I'd say I get a couple of hours every few days or so where I feel good and normal. The problem is these good periods are completely unpredictable, and often switch into feeling horrible again very suddenly. I am talking about physical pain, like sudden IBS attacks, intense migraines, body pains. Not mentally switching back and forth. I try to keep my moods and demeanor stable despite how I am feeling physically.

Anyway, this has made our sex life a little challenging. I still have a drive, but when I am feeling really bad (say, anything above an 8 on the pain scale), I lose all desire. Generally in my brief periods of feeling good, my drive appears, stronger than ever. Which makes sense, its like my body is screaming about feeling good and wanting to take advantage of it. Problem is, these times rarely coincide with a time when we can actually have sex. Like, I am usually at work, or the kids are around, or whatever.

I have been trying very hard to keep our sex life relatively normal despite my limitations. We have sex provably 1-2 times a week. I would like for it to be more than that but due to my illness that's not realistic right now until I can get things under control.

So, in an effort to keep the spark going and make sure H knows I still desire him, I lay on the flirting pretty thick when I am feeling good. Send him sexy messages, grope him and kiss him, tell him I can't wait for us to be together. And its not an act, its all very true. The problem is that sometimes while waiting for our opportunity (say, once kids are in bed), I will start feeling bad again. I will usually try to power through it and engage him anyway, but he always knows when I am sick and can tell I am not able to fully enjoy myself. The worst is when I make promises to him for a romp later that I can't keep. It happened last night...I felt so good all afternoon, was anticipating a fun night ahead, and he was very much into it too. Then I got hit with the worlds worst migraine at exactly 9:00pm and ended up spending the night in the fetal position on the bathroom floor. He didn't say anything to me, but when we were leaving for work this morning I could sense the tension and I knew he was upset about our evening plans being ruined.

I feel cruel for teasing him.

I guess I should start keeping my desire to myself until I know for certain we are in a moment that I can deliver the promise to avoid him getting disappointed. Is that what you guys would want if you were dealing with a sick wife?

Its hard also because now the SSRI's have given me the female equivalent of ED. I still have drive and desire, but the message doesn't seem to make it's way downstairs. So even though I am very engaged and interested, I appear physically not to be into it. And its giving H a head trip. He thinks I am faking interest or having duty sex.

Argh. Just wanted to vent, I guess.
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Just keep up with the honesty and make sure he understands where you are with respect the the pain.

You might even share to him what you posted above...
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I can totally empathize. I have a few medical issues myself; however am also the High Drive spouse. So I go from one extreme to the other. I'm either all over him or avoiding him. Pretty sure I drive him nuts too :confused:

Have you noticed a pattern at all? Do you feel better at certain times of the day as oppossed to others? If so, try to plan your excursions around those times.

Are you pain free throughout the evening slumber? Maybe start a little something in the wee hours when you feel good and he'd be half-way to morning wood anyway ;)

It's hard and it may not get any easier (as medical issues/medications change), but your relationship with your husband is worth the work. I don't think you'd be looking for answers if you didn't agree :)

Just continue to try different approaches...he'll see you're making an effort and knowing what you're going through and STILL trying; he'll appreciate it even more.
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My fiancee used to tease me a lot, and she is on SSRI's so it was basically the same thing; make suggestions throughout the day but at the end of the day, no sex.

Now her's was more to being tired I think than anything, but it was still the same issue, a lot of lead up to nothing.

So if you're asking what I, as a man, want in a situation like this, my answer is pretty simple.

Do nothing until you know you can do everything.

If I was your husband, I assume I already know as much about your medical issue as you do. As such, I know that sex isn't an always guaranteed thing. So stop with the flirting hours ahead of the main event.

For example, your example you gave of flirting all day only to get a massive migraine and it shut everything down. For now I wouldn't do that until you start getting your medical issues under control. Rather, I'd wait until there is an oppotunity to have sex NOW and then start flirting if you feel up to it. If 9:00 p.m. rolls around and you are feeling fine, go and slip on some lingerie (or something dirty) prance back out into the living room and ask him if he'd enjoy ripping this off of you.

That would likely get him saluting in no time. On the other hand, you sending him several texts during the day asking if he wants to get lucky tonight, only to have tonight roll around and you on the floor will only cause disappointment. Not disappointment in you, we know that it's not your fault, but it's still disappointing. Sort of like how it is disappointing when you get excited all day to go to concert or a sporting event, only to have it rained out. No one's fault, but it is a disappointment.

The really issue is that eventually, that disappointment turns into resentment. After a while with my fiancee I'd start to avoid letting her touch me and I'd start to close her e-mails if they were anything flirty without reading all of them. You start to think "Odds are you won't follow through anyways, so why are you wasting my time with this," or "Why are you getting me excited when I and you both know that there's a good chance you won't be up for it later anyways."

See, your husband won't blame you for your illness, but he may start to blame you for leading him on. I know I did after a while with my fiancee. I'd actually get mad that she would lead me on when I knew that later that night she'd be tired again, or any little thing could get her out of the mood, like someone pissing her off on Facebook for example. Your husband knows that it won't take much for your physical mood to swing towards illness and pain right now and eventually there's a good chance he'll get upset with you leading him on.

It's fine to lead him on, just do it a few minutes before sex, not hours ahead when you can't guarantee how you'll feel come showtime.
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Feel terrible for you but don't have too much more to add than what kingsfan has already stated. Its beautiful advice!

By the way, since your message is so heartfelt, I'd genuinely advice you to print it out and keep it safe. Why I say so is that in case (we don't want something like that to happen) but in case a similar incident happens again... you can leave this letter in an envelope for your husband to read... to let him know that you feel bad... no real man would ever feel resentful to their wife when something like this happens... they would feel disappointed by the events but not resentful towards the wife...

I'm sure you must have researched your problem inside out by now, but do you have any triggers for the episodes...if you do, please try and avoid them as much as you can... (i don't know your problems really, so just trying to think of this in line with migraines and IBS) My husband has IBS when he eats very creamy foods... I get migraines when I'm really sleepy and don't actually hit the pillow soon enough... so try and avoid such triggers as much as you can

one more thing, SSRIs are very notorious libido-killers... so if you (and kingsfan's fiancee) are still able to keep it up to twice a week that's really great...also, do educate your partner (when both of you are in a more sit-down-chatty-mood rather than when you're both in a planned-sex-and-it-didn't-happen-grumpy-mood) about the side-effects of your medication... and SHOW him that you're doing all you can to tackle the problem...

and yes someone stated early morning intimacy...that's good too... (please forgive me if I'm being ignorant about this) early in the morning you wouldn't be as weighed down by the day's happenings as late evenings right? So better chances there????

I really wish you find something closer-to-nature to solve your issues, but if you don't try and work with what you're having... All the best to you both
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Thanks Zing, and you do make a good point. I am grateful my fiancee is able to provide (in general) twice a week and does so with what I believe is enthusiasm (not duty sex). My lone issue with our sex life is the variety, but frequency is fine and I do let her know (I hope so anyways) that I appreciate that.

I asked my husband what he prefers (since we're kind of in the same boat)...he said it's better to explain why you can't have sex after having flirted than to stop being flirty.

My husband said he would wonder why the flirting stopped and think I'm no longer interested.

You don't need any misunderstandings along with real issues.

Keep the communication open...
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