I have health problems. Trying to get them under control, get a real diagnosis and some real treatment. While on this journey, my doc has started me on some SSRI's because I am losing my mind in the process.
My illness is not typical. I feel bad most of the day, everyday, but sporadically I will have a few hours here or there where I feel great. I'd say I get a couple of hours every few days or so where I feel good and normal. The problem is these good periods are completely unpredictable, and often switch into feeling horrible again very suddenly. I am talking about physical pain, like sudden IBS attacks, intense migraines, body pains. Not mentally switching back and forth. I try to keep my moods and demeanor stable despite how I am feeling physically.
Anyway, this has made our sex life a little challenging. I still have a drive, but when I am feeling really bad (say, anything above an 8 on the pain scale), I lose all desire. Generally in my brief periods of feeling good, my drive appears, stronger than ever. Which makes sense, its like my body is screaming about feeling good and wanting to take advantage of it. Problem is, these times rarely coincide with a time when we can actually have sex. Like, I am usually at work, or the kids are around, or whatever.
I have been trying very hard to keep our sex life relatively normal despite my limitations. We have sex provably 1-2 times a week. I would like for it to be more than that but due to my illness that's not realistic right now until I can get things under control.
So, in an effort to keep the spark going and make sure H knows I still desire him, I lay on the flirting pretty thick when I am feeling good. Send him sexy messages, grope him and kiss him, tell him I can't wait for us to be together. And its not an act, its all very true. The problem is that sometimes while waiting for our opportunity (say, once kids are in bed), I will start feeling bad again. I will usually try to power through it and engage him anyway, but he always knows when I am sick and can tell I am not able to fully enjoy myself. The worst is when I make promises to him for a romp later that I can't keep. It happened last night...I felt so good all afternoon, was anticipating a fun night ahead, and he was very much into it too. Then I got hit with the worlds worst migraine at exactly 9:00pm and ended up spending the night in the fetal position on the bathroom floor. He didn't say anything to me, but when we were leaving for work this morning I could sense the tension and I knew he was upset about our evening plans being ruined.
I feel cruel for teasing him.
I guess I should start keeping my desire to myself until I know for certain we are in a moment that I can deliver the promise to avoid him getting disappointed. Is that what you guys would want if you were dealing with a sick wife?
Its hard also because now the SSRI's have given me the female equivalent of ED. I still have drive and desire, but the message doesn't seem to make it's way downstairs. So even though I am very engaged and interested, I appear physically not to be into it. And its giving H a head trip. He thinks I am faking interest or having duty sex.
Argh. Just wanted to vent, I guess.
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