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Discussion Starter #1
Spoiled brat kids that grew to be spoiled brat adults....

I know it sounds hateful, but it's definitely true of my husband of TOO many years (and probably true of most people who spend more than their share).

His background: Mom never worked outside the home (babysat), didn't drive (still doesn't, too nervous), racked up lots of debt, Dad the only one who substantially supported the family takes nothing for himself.

Here he is, the grown spoiled brat adult (having learned a sense of entitlement from his mother modeling it & teaching it with every great new toy).

We earn the same income. I'm not a spender, he is a super spender. He controls the money, spends every penny of that, but OH that isn't enough. I'm a very passive person, so I've allowed a lot (been blinded to it) because I don't like confrontation. In 2009, he had cancer, as he lay in the hospital bed recovering, he asked me to make a payment on a credit card. I went to the parking lot to call and found out it was a $400. minimum payment. Before this (must have been around 2007), I had taken a loan from my 401K to pay off a high interest card with a $10,000. balance, which I just finished paying back to my 401K.

I'm trying not to drag this out, but here we are today, 40,000 in credit card debt, due to his spoiled brat, me me me whims. He pimped out his previous truck, then when it was paid off, now it's a Hummer. I haven't had my hair done or been shopping for me in 3 years. Now, he wants me to take out of my 401K again to bail him out yet again. He says he realizes now that he doesn't want to live that way, but I think it's the narcissist (ie...spoiled brat), manipulating yet again.

At what point is enough ....just enough???:scratchhead:
 

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This isn't how a man acts. He is one of those man-child types. Possibly spoiled rotten by his mother while his father was too busy to have a say in things.

Sorry you're in that spot. But it seems you have to teach him how to be a man... Take control of the finances. If he has admitted his problem then he should not have an issue with that. He failed to be responsible so he must face the consequences.
 

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My husband was/is the same way. He learned from his mother. We did really well during the first 20 years because I handled all of the finances. At one point we were entirely debt free. Then, his mid-life crisis hit. He took over the finances. And now to make a long story short, I'm in bankruptcy.

Since you are the one who is financially responsible, you need to be managing the family money. Set up a fair budget and make him pay off his own debt. You may want to cut up the credit cards as well. It's amazing how much money one can save by not having the credit card temptation.
 

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At what point is enough ....just enough???:scratchhead:
At this point!! You have 3 choices:
1) Take complete control of the finances
2) Completely separate your finances
3) Accept the status quo
Well, there is a 4th - RUN. But that would depend on how everything else is in the marriage. Do you have kids?
 

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Discussion Starter #5
Yes, we have 2 children, or else I would have already run. On the other hand, I think children need to learn that relationships are give and take, and not one person doing all the taking while the other loses themselves in the process of giving everything. At this point, even my family is asking why would I want to stay. My mom gave me a cashier's check that is probably enought for a divorce. I'm just so overburdened with my overthinking everything.

If I look at this from a religion perspective, he hasn't held up his end (especially as being the MAN ..ie supposed leader of the marriage). I married a spoiled child.

If I look at this from what my children are learning from the marriage (or lack thereof), I think I could do better moving on to someone who will have a little consideration for someone but themselves.
 

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I'm just so overburdened with my overthinking everything.
This is because it sounds like you are the only one doing any thinking at all. I am not an advocate of divorce, one of the reasons I am struggling to make a decision myself. I can probably try the separation route, see if that rocks the boat enough without tipping it over. But the financial aspect of your situation is critical. Have you talked to an attorney? You should also talk to an accountant.
 

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At what point is enough ....just enough???
Well for me it was just shy of our 19th anniversary. I swear if my STBXH had a brother, it would be your H.

Got tired of the perpetual debt over his silly cr*p. Got tired of trying to make the money cover the necessities while he bought himself EVERY WHIM he wanted. Realized I'm in my 50s and it ain't ever gonna get better; we'll be living in a cardboard box in our old age! No money for child's college (she's in high school.)

He used to dismiss my concerns ("we have x in the bank, and Y coming due in bills) as "You're just MAKING SH*T UP TO WORRY ABOUT!" [Yes, that IS a direct quote.] Um, I'm pretty sure the phone calls and dunning letters from collections were not just "sh*t I made up"!

Last straw was him raging and cussing out our 14yo. Decided we'd both had enough. Told him I was leaving, then did it.

I HAVE NOT BEEN THIS HAPPY IN DECADES! My money (I have a new job) is my own; my bills are paid ON TIME. No-one calls my place looking for money. I no longer walk on eggshells - nobody HERE with rage issues. I feel happy and IN CONTROL of my future (including financially) whereas BEFORE I felt like I was on an out-of-control amusement park ride (scary, and no way to stop it.)

I also lost myself in just 'giving in' to keep the peace while he continued taking and taking. I KNEW it was unhealthy for our daughter to see this pattern of overspending, dodging collections calls on the phone, etc.

My parents loaned me enough money to get out. Both my brothers rented a truck and then came down to help me move out (my STBXH got violent and threatening when he realized I was REALLY LEAVING his azz). They are all practicing Roman Catholics and they STILL supported me leaving and divorcing him. One brother has been paid in full. The second one will be paid in full this month. I am working on paying my parents back. You have NO IDEA how liberating it feels to pay back debt ON TIME, IN FULL.

Good luck to you however you choose to handle this.
 

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Take control of the finances, pronto, and consider MC. Your H isn't going to learn to act responsibly if you keep on bailing him out, and this isn't fair on you, anyway.

Personally, I'd bail him out this one last time (thereby giving him a clean slate to work with) on the condition that you take charge of the finances and he accompanies you to MC.

If you don't take control, your H could end up bankrupting the pair of you.
 

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Well for me it was just shy of our 19th anniversary. I swear if my STBXH had a brother, it would be your H.

Got tired of the perpetual debt over his silly cr*p. Got tired of trying to make the money cover the necessities while he bought himself EVERY WHIM he wanted. Realized I'm in my 50s and it ain't ever gonna get better; we'll be living in a cardboard box in our old age! No money for child's college (she's in high school.)

He used to dismiss my concerns ("we have x in the bank, and Y coming due in bills) as "You're just MAKING SH*T UP TO WORRY ABOUT!" [Yes, that IS a direct quote.] Um, I'm pretty sure the phone calls and dunning letters from collections were not just "sh*t I made up"!

Last straw was him raging and cussing out our 14yo. Decided we'd both had enough. Told him I was leaving, then did it.

I HAVE NOT BEEN THIS HAPPY IN DECADES! My money (I have a new job) is my own; my bills are paid ON TIME. No-one calls my place looking for money. I no longer walk on eggshells - nobody HERE with rage issues. I feel happy and IN CONTROL of my future (including financially) whereas BEFORE I felt like I was on an out-of-control amusement park ride (scary, and no way to stop it.)

I also lost myself in just 'giving in' to keep the peace while he continued taking and taking. I KNEW it was unhealthy for our daughter to see this pattern of overspending, dodging collections calls on the phone, etc.

My parents loaned me enough money to get out. Both my brothers rented a truck and then came down to help me move out (my STBXH got violent and threatening when he realized I was REALLY LEAVING his azz). They are all practicing Roman Catholics and they STILL supported me leaving and divorcing him. One brother has been paid in full. The second one will be paid in full this month. I am working on paying my parents back. You have NO IDEA how liberating it feels to pay back debt ON TIME, IN FULL.

Good luck to you however you choose to handle this.
our situations are soooo similar! I'm in credit every month now, I don't get snarled at for saying we don't have the money to do things, my bills are paid on time and in full, I'm slowly paying my dad back for helping me to buy him out of the house.

It feels so liberating to have control over my money, particularly as I earned three times as much as him and yet could never spend anything on myself

:smthumbup:
 

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You're true he is a spoiled brat.
You shouldn't pay off his screw ups. What is annoying with this kind of people, is that you can only enable them by supporting them. It means that, the more you give in to his wishes and desires, the more he'll feel entitled to this treatment, and you'll end up one day getting screamed at because you put the spoon funny.
I learned it the hard way, but people who can only appreciate themselves are way far from getting better. They only can see the world with their own eyes, and they can only give priority to themselves.

Be very careful from people that turn nice and seem learning from their mistakes only when the roof of s*** they built over their heads falls down on them. They probably mean it at that time, but chances are, once you'll save them, they'll forget everything about their panic and wishes to improve themselves and go back to being d*cks.
 

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Before this (must have been around 2007), I had taken a loan from my 401K to pay off a high interest card with a $10,000. balance, which I just finished paying back to my 401K.
You've DEFINITELY done your duty by him. Don't know if you have the OVARIES to tell him, "Nope, I bailed you out with $10K LAST TIME you did this, and I'm done. That WAS the last time I ever bail you out of bad financial decisions."

here we are today, 40,000 in credit card debt...He pimped out his previous truck, then when it was paid off, now it's a Hummer....He says he realizes now that he doesn't want to live that way, but I think it's the narcissist (ie...spoiled brat), manipulating yet again.
Tell him, "I'm SO GLAD you've learned from the past. So NOW you see the necessity of getting RID OF YOUR HUMMER which we can't afford." If he says he would have to sell it at a loss say, "Yes, well, yet another lesson WE'VE learned."

Refuse to take any more money out of your savings; you're just screwing yourself because there truly will be NO END. Every year you're getting nearer to retirement and you can ill afford his emotionally-immature spending!

My STBXH called me a wh0re and a stupid c*nt, then turned around and IMMEDIATELY demanded the debit card to MY bank account. I laughed IN HIS FACE and said, "Really, THIS is the way you talk to me and NOW you want a favor?!? Are you f*cking CRAZY?" He looked like I slapped him, then stopped and thought about what he'd actually just said, then walked away stunned. (He must have figured out a solution to his problem because I sure as h*ll didn't give him a dime.) I don't think he's used to ANYBODY ever standing up to his bullying in decades! I'm not sure he even listens to half the sh*t that comes out of his mouth...he just turns on angry/beligerent/mean and starts yelling. Haven't missed his sorry azz for a SINGLE MINUTE in 5 months!!!!
 
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