Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 20 of 65 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,402 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
I hate what this has done to us , me, and how it's stolen 18yrs and then left us like this, me like this.
i've always got along with girls really well , and they've always liked me . but now , i'm scared [email protected] , maybe i've used it all up , maybe i don't get another chance.
maybe no one likes me any more , maybe i can't even find someone to find out.

i don't even want anyone else , i want my family back . but now i have to start again , when i don't even want to love someone else , i want to love my wife. that's who i wanted to grow old with and so did she only 5mths ago.
it all feels so wrong , i know she forced it , i know this whole thing is forced . she did it because of basically what she thought was going on , in all sorts of ways and yea one was a girl.
but that wasn't going on , neither was any of the other things. we were very good friends on the girl front but no nothing ever happened.
it's basically the same with everything else , you could say it was all wrong to and nothing happened . none of what she'd been thinking and not telling me about , was happening !

but here i am , for whatever reason , like you guys , forced to start over.

do you have those thoughts to , fears ?

you know it makes me think right through this that do they even understand the chance and risk they're taking. ?
check out singles bars or match making clubs all over the net. there are millions of people out there , all having one hell of a time , often for yrs on end and still not finding someone.
and then there's the ties /bond , so many people split yet end up drawn back to each other .

it's amazing really that the walkers are even game to walk really because it's tough no matter who you are .

it's scaring the [email protected] out of me now i know that much.

my sisters the same age as my wife and she split up n6 yrs ago with two kids - she's still single.
my other sisters been single most of her adult life , she's a great looking girl to. i know guys like that too. most of them would kill to have what ours are throwing away.
just all makes you think , worry !
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
66 Posts
I worry about being alone forever and not getting another chance at love in the future (when I am ready). Most, not all, but most of the spouses that did the leaving already had someone on the side, they won't have to go through being alone and wondering, because they left us for someone else. I hope we all find ourselves again and find someone that loves us as much as we love them.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,008 Posts
It's ok to be scared right now - I know I am. As long as we don't remain in this State of Fear for too long. At some point, we need to get out there - test the waters, mess up Lol, test some more and eventually strike jack pot.

I don't want to make the same mistakes - so I want to fix Me before getting out there again. Though I miss having a significant other's company from time to time - I know that I am not ready.

I want to rinse out all the stink off me before doing anything.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
98 Posts
I hear you! I have the same fears and it really sucks! It hard to stay positive and the dwelling thoughts seem to linger. I want what I had back but it ain't gonna happen.


My thoughts are that I first need to become happy with myself. Doing whatever makes me happy. Being alone blows but it's a fact of life right now. Only once I am happy with myself and my life and go about life in that state of mind will happy doors open. If behind that door is another person I would rather meet them after establishing my own happy life and have happyness to share with them. If i done meet someone at least i will be happier with MY life then i was before. During this whole process I've learned I put to much of my happyness into stbx. No 1 person should be the sole purpose of your happyness.

Easier said then done though, as I am miserable! :)
Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,986 Posts
Absolutely frightened!

Off the market and out of the "game" for a decade. Where to even start? Awkward doesn't even being to describe how I feel toward approaching women now. I know I'm pretty good looking and a good catch, but that obviously only gets you so far.

Then there's quality. Bars and clubs might be great to pick up a lay but not a future stepmom for my D6.

Then age. Many suggest I go older this time. Someone more experienced. But that also would probably mean extra kids in the mix. Whole new set of challenges. But go young again with no kids and I risk repeating a pattern. Not to mention ol snipperoo.

And if/when I do find someone and if/when there is love and commitment even greater than my last, what about family life? How could it ever be as comfortable at home in a mixed family as it was with a traditional H/W/DD?

Yes, hawk. terrifying.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
381 Posts
This is the perfect post for me right now. I'm 50, getting ready to experience my 3rd divorce.. My stbxw turned out to be a serial cheater. Screwed me financially, etc

This year has been terrible. I lost my house in March. Moved into an apartement. Trying to fix our marriag at the same time. She moved out while I was at work on Sept 21 and I have never seen her again. She blocked my cell phone, won't answer her work phone and won't respond to my emails except to tell me she will file for the D in January.

Meanwhile, I couldn't afford the appartment we were in by myself due to all the other bills she left behind. So now I live in a small 2 bedroom with my dog and cat and this place svcks. But it's the besst i can do right now.

I have really never lived along all my adult life, between roomates, girlfriends or wives, I'd say if I totalled it all up maybe 12 months of my entire life have I lived alone.

Scared? ya. But at the same time I kind of like the fact that I may finally figure out me.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
15 Posts
I understand the extreme fear. My stbxh left me 6 months ago. We were together for 23 years...my entire adult life..and we have two sons, 17 & 13. The stbxh has had his OW since the week I moved out and she has 2 sons, 13 & 3. I constantly question the fairness in this situation. I did nothing wrong. Gave everything I had to try and make him happy and I am the one left to be alone while he gets the new family and has never spent on night alone. I worry that at my age that I will never find anyone else. Isn't fair! But I focus on bettering myself and learning who I am. Like I said we have been together for our entire adult life so I have no idea who I am without him....but I am surely going to find out!! And most importantly, I am going to be sure that my boys are loved and well cared for. If they are happy then my job is done!!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
85 Posts
I have that but it's like this.
When there is a divorce it's RARELY every mutual, as in one person has made their mind up and is ready to move on, whereas the other still loves that person and wants to fix it.

The ones that still love don't want to move on, they want to continue to their spouse and have it work out. Does that happen? In many cases doesn't look so

So me personally I still love my wife, I always will. I don't even think I want to start over, it sounds exhausting and if this ever happened again I couldn't handle it. Although statistically the odds are against our spouses to find someone who loved them and made them as happy as their first partner.

In my eyes no one can compare to my wife, no one I want to take my wife's place, and as I said it just sounds exhausting to start from scratch...
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
570 Posts
Hi everyone,

I am absolutely filled with terror and fear every single day. In the last 6 months I have lost my wife, she took our little baby hundreds of miles away. I have lost our house, and now my job is on the line. And where I live I have no friends or family.

So yeah, I am filled with absolute terror. Not in finding anyone else, but I have no stability or certainty for the future, none at all.

I'm not interested in finding someone else (I am 35).

I am just filled with fear of what the future holds and how I will live and function, on my own.

And during the time that she left me, I had to deal single handedly with Real Estate agents, banks, house inspections and lawyers. All in a haze of grief.

I just pray to God that 2013 will be a good year. I must remain faithful to Him, and try to be positive.

I look to the future and I just don't have any certainty whatsoever.

It's like living a nightmare 24 hours a day.

Thanks for listening.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
728 Posts
I have that but it's like this.
When there is a divorce it's RARELY every mutual, as in one person has made their mind up and is ready to move on, whereas the other still loves that person and wants to fix it.

The ones that still love don't want to move on, they want to continue to their spouse and have it work out. Does that happen? In many cases doesn't look so

So me personally I still love my wife, I always will. I don't even think I want to start over, it sounds exhausting and if this ever happened again I couldn't handle it. Although statistically the odds are against our spouses to find someone who loved them and made them as happy as their first partner.

In my eyes no one can compare to my wife, no one I want to take my wife's place, and as I said it just sounds exhausting to start from scratch...
I feel the same! I am scared to put myself out there. I am not ready. But when I do I have my daughters all the time except for two weekends a month. Does not leave a lot of time...
Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,174 Posts
Hi everyone,

I am absolutely filled with terror and fear every single day. In the last 6 months I have lost my wife, she took our little baby hundreds of miles away. I have lost our house, and now my job is on the line. And where I live I have no friends or family.

So yeah, I am filled with absolute terror. Not in finding anyone else, but I have no stability or certainty for the future, none at all.

I'm not interested in finding someone else (I am 35).

I am just filled with fear of what the future holds and how I will live and function, on my own.

And during the time that she left me, I had to deal single handedly with Real Estate agents, banks, house inspections and lawyers. All in a haze of grief.

I just pray to God that 2013 will be a good year. I must remain faithful to Him, and try to be positive.

I look to the future and I just don't have any certainty whatsoever.

It's like living a nightmare 24 hours a day.

Thanks for listening.
I think you should change your username...it sounds like a self-fulfilling prophecy :-( Is there no way you can follow your baby?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
85 Posts
I feel the same! I am scared to put myself out there. I am not ready. But when I do I have my daughters all the time except for two weekends a month. Does not leave a lot of time...
Posted via Mobile Device
I wouldn't even know how to go about meeting someone else...

You're right that surely doesn't leave much time for you to meet anyone although in your situation know you have some light.

Atleast through your marriage you gained 2 beautiful daughters :D.

Most the time people meet without even trying, so who knows maybe luck will be on our side for once
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,000 Posts
Are you scared of your future, maybe you can't find another chance ?
Yes.

And THANK GOD.

That was the problem. Thinking you're done or not taking responsibility for one's own future is the same as stumbling around waiting to die.

I lost something great. It's not the only great thing i've done. I can't to see what's next in store for me. I make my own future.

Stop wallowing. To paraphrase Richard Bach: argue for your limitations and sure enough they're yours.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
728 Posts
I wouldn't even know how to go about meeting someone else...

You're right that surely doesn't leave much time for you to meet anyone although in your situation know you have some light.

Atleast through your marriage you gained 2 beautiful daughters :D.

Most the time people meet without even trying, so who knows maybe luck will be on our side for once
I am going to have a great 2013

Yes I love my kids and I thank God daily but there are more issues when trying to date..

I dont want to have anymore kids myself, step is fine

Then introducing a new man, just alittle overwhelming not that I am even close to thinking about dating..
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
381 Posts
One thing I regret now is that I never had any kids. My 1st wife did. My 2nd didn't and we didn't want any because we were too busy doing whatever we wanted. By my last marriage i was 47 and she already had grown kids and teenagers..

Now I find that I am truly alone.. I don't have 'friends' but many acquantences...

So I will work on changing some things about me that i know are flawed. And hopefully I will find someone someday. If i don't that's just the way the cards were dealt.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7,762 Posts
Are you scared of your future, maybe you can't find another chance ?


Yes, I feel somewhat fearful. There's a lot that I want that is not in my control, especially when it comes to meeting people. But can I do anything to change that? Not always.

So, I work on myself. I'm not going to stop living while I'm waiting to meet someone. No matter what, this is my only go-round in life. I've lost enough of it, spending time waiting. If I meet someone and we are happy and healthy together, :smthumbup:.

I don't miss my STBXH. What I miss is being a part of a close relationship. I hope to God he wasn't my only shot. But I didn't ever expect to meet anyone at all, so who knows what the future will bring?

Paralysis and worry are guaranteed to make your fears come true.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,402 Posts
Discussion Starter · #18 · (Edited)
I have that but it's like this.
When there is a divorce it's RARELY every mutual, as in one person has made their mind up and is ready to move on, whereas the other still loves that person and wants to fix it.

The ones that still love don't want to move on, they want to continue to their spouse and have it work out. Does that happen? In many cases doesn't look so

So me personally I still love my wife, I always will. I don't even think I want to start over, it sounds exhausting and if this ever happened again I couldn't handle it. Although statistically the odds are against our spouses to find someone who loved them and made them as happy as their first partner.

In my eyes no one can compare to my wife, no one I want to take my wife's place, and as I said it just sounds exhausting to start from scratch...

i can't wait to come back later - when i finish mowing and painting = i must do that stuff to take my mind of things or i'll go mad.
what i really feel like doing is sinking into a corner and righting myself off with the scotch i got for xmas- hu, from my ex . how ironic !

but this is a huge thing for me to .
i know we can't compare now , think about our ex with someone new. if there is someone new , she'll be a completely different animal - totally.
but my ex was an original , she's a one off in every way. that's why i fell in love with her. i loved all those things about her but they were all very different to the norm. our life , both of us , everything was different to the norm on every front .
the way we got along was also very unique , different to. people especially girls always stared at us with dreamy eyes , commented . no one can believe she walked .
the whole combo , i'd want another her/us. i couldn't imagine being other couples and we always talked about that stuff and neither of us could.
there was nothing wrong with other couples but we were just so different to them.
but of course not only did they not make another her but you can't leave this wanting to find another her , another us.
that's just gonna f'k you right over and the new person to. but that's what i'd want .
she knew of course we were a one off to , she agreed she'd never find us again or anything even close to like us again, yet she still walked.

this new friend of hers , yep , she had a new friend to - one of those ! my god you should see them together, talk about the odd couple .
we had more fun in our very first phone call than these two look like they'll ever have in a life time. how strange !
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,402 Posts
Discussion Starter · #19 ·
Nope. I honestly believe that the universe will deliver to my doorstep according to my imagination. It's just a matter of allowing the time-space continuum the opportunity to manifest what it is you desire...and not losing track of it while you wait.

do you really think this , or are you just having a dig at us ?

you know i knew my wife was coming , i knew for 8mths . l even rushed out things i wanted to do before i got tied down again , i started organizing stuff to , preparing, and then suddenly , there she was , right on Que ! i can't explain it but i did know and i was at peace inside because i knew she was on her way.

but i feel nothing now , no one , i can't feel or imagine one damn thing. that's really scaring me !
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,986 Posts
It's important for us to acknowledge these fears. You can't overcome your fears if you can't name them. One of the important steps in rebuilding.

But it is more important what we do with these fears. Acknowledge them. Accept them. And work through them.

That's why I'm going out again this weekend. Went to Scottsdale clubs last weekend, got drunk and slipped on the 180. Ended up drunk texting her brother. Oh well, at least he knows my side now. Better yet I know to leave my phone and stick to beer. First night out was full of fear. Tomorrow night - fear will be there too. But I know better what to expect from myself and I'm not gonna give up and sit home alone over-analyzing.

Baby steps.
 
1 - 20 of 65 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top