[Runs like Dog]

My roommate better get a damn job.

 

[jaquen]

She still gets nervous when I look her straight in the eye, and giggles like a school girl. Truth be told, sometimes I do too (minus the giggling school girl part ).

Sometimes when we make love it's like the first time all over again.

We manage to be comfortable with one another, but still maintain a certain touch of mystery.

She will pull away from a sweet, connected kiss, and ask for a brief moment to catch her breath.

I am in love with her more now than ever before, which is amazing to me because I once thought "I can't love this woman more".

Highs, lows, and everything in between, we stay in love.

She is the one that I want, the one that I have, and the one that I never want to lose.

We're married. I don't believe in wedded roommates.

 

[Cee Paul]

She still gets nervous when I look her straight in the eye, and giggles like a school girl. Truth be told, sometimes I do too (minus the giggling school girl part ).

Sometimes when we make love it's like the first time all over again.

We manage to be comfortable with one another, but still maintain a certain touch of mystery.

She will pull away from a sweet, connected kiss, and ask for a brief moment to catch her breath.

I am in love with her more now than ever before, which is amazing to me because I once thought "I can't love this woman more".

Highs, lows, and everything in between, we stay in love.

She is the one that I want, the one that I have, and the one that I never want to lose.

We're married. I don't believe in wedded roommates.

Sounds more like you read that out of some book than it does what is really taking place in a lot of marriages.

 

[jaquen]

Sounds more like you read that out of some book than it does what is really taking place in a lot of marriages.

Thank God!

:smthumbup:

 

[20matc11]

In response to the subject of the thread, that is what my marriage dissolved into two years before action was taken to end it. I am not sure of your circumstances but my XW decided that she didn't want to be married any more, started an affair that she refused to end, made it very obvious that she thought of us as roommates (with a lopsided agreement that favored me but that I still wasn't holding up my side of) even going so far as to consciously walk through the living room naked like she was reenacting a scene from The Break-up. She blamed me for the affair and her not being happy, and after we divorced when I sent her a letter telling her that I didn't send emails between her and the OM to the OM's wife when we were married because I knew it would end two marriages immediately and I didn't have time (I was trying to finish graduate school) to come up with a plan B as far as living arrangements etc. she accused me of using her for the last year of our "marriage".

I know its not advice but you are not alone in the "marriage turned into a roommate agreement" category. Perhaps you can find out why that feeling is there and if there is anyway to come back from it. If it is one sided then that person will have to commit to changing it. It can be frustrating if it is not you who has the problem.

 

[InsaneInLove]

Mine is turning into the same thing. Evidently it always was on her part. A "friend with benefits". Sex has always been good, at least she said on her part. She benefits the most from it (I'm kind of a pleasing freak). She was always upset that she rarely was able to "please" me, though I have constantly told her that I enjoy the foreplay and lovemaking more than the end result. However, sex has been either once a month, or once every 2-3 over the past 12 years. She recently revealed to me that she never felt the "magical" connection.

​

I feel that people make our own magic, but feel bad that she hasn't felt that crazy flame since we were young. I'm madly in love with her, but she isn't with me. She had an emotional affair with a coworker, so of course she isn't feeling the magic with me, her emotions are tied up with someone else getting that instant spark. I fear she'll have to go through a lot of those before she figures it out.

​

Meanwhile, she wants to cohabitate, sleep in the same bed, snuggle, but not be intimate. (Though twice in the past 3 weeks she's enjoyed a one-way good time from me. I just love pleasing her, it makes me happy). She doesn't want the kids to know anything, which is hard when you have a genius 10 year old, and I'm not just being a proud parent here, that kid sees everything. I can't live as a roommate with my wife and lover, though she seems to think she can. I know it will affect me down the road, though for now, I'm doing everything in my power just to show her love, and let her be her own person as much as I can.

​

It sucks, but love is worth giving, even if you don't take. Love should be a gift, not an exchange. If both parties do this, it will work out very well, because an exchange takes place without expectations. If not, it can cause resentment long-term.

 

[jaquen]

Mine is turning into the same thing. Evidently it always was on her part. A "friend with benefits". Sex has always been good, at least she said on her part. She benefits the most from it (I'm kind of a pleasing freak). She was always upset that she rarely was able to "please" me, though I have constantly told her that I enjoy the foreplay and lovemaking more than the end result. However, sex has been either once a month, or once every 2-3 over the past 12 years. She recently revealed to me that she never felt the "magical" connection.

​

I feel that people make our own magic, but feel bad that she hasn't felt that crazy flame since we were young. I'm madly in love with her, but she isn't with me. She had an emotional affair with a coworker, so of course she isn't feeling the magic with me, her emotions are tied up with someone else getting that instant spark. I fear she'll have to go through a lot of those before she figures it out.

​

Meanwhile, she wants to cohabitate, sleep in the same bed, snuggle, but not be intimate. (Though twice in the past 3 weeks she's enjoyed a one-way good time from me. I just love pleasing her, it makes me happy). She doesn't want the kids to know anything, which is hard when you have a genius 10 year old, and I'm not just being a proud parent here, that kid sees everything. I can't live as a roommate with my wife and lover, though she seems to think she can. I know it will affect me down the road, though for now, I'm doing everything in my power just to show her love, and let her be her own person as much as I can.

​

It sucks, but love is worth giving, even if you don't take. Love should be a gift, not an exchange. If both parties do this, it will work out very well, because an exchange takes place without expectations. If not, it can cause resentment long-term.

What do you have to gain by staying with a woman who flat up says she never felt any "magic" with you, has had an affair, and is interested in turning you into a psychologically castrated roommate who she can turn to for cuddles, cash, and the occasional one-way lickfest?

There is nothing noble about loving a blackhole.

 

[up in arms]

I am in the Same Boat. My wife and I have started planning a Seperation. She tells me that "she loves me like a Best Friend... not like a Wife should towads her Husband". We have 3 kids and I have asked her about counceling, but she is not willing. We have been married 6.5 years and she has not worked or helped out financially for the past 5.5 years. I feel like i have bent over backwards trying to make her Happy... and she feels like she is Trapped at home with the kids.

Recently she started a low-paying job jsut to get out of the house. Just enough to cover daycare expense for our 2 y/o. Now she wants to leave.

I know that she will not be able to make it on her own and her lifestyle will be significantly less than what she has now. and she will have to Bust her tail to make ends meet.

She does not blame me, she blames herself and has much guilt because she is hurting me and our family.

Not sure that i am actually asking anything here, just feels goot to get it off my chest. Any suggestions are welcome.

 

[Incognito007]

Not sure that i am actually asking anything here, just feels goot to get it off my chest. Any suggestions are welcome.

I posted a rather "lengthy" post the other day about the situation with my wife. While I was happy to get feedback on it, I am pretty much in the same boat as you in that I posted it mainly to get a bunch of stuff of my chest, and boy did that help!

Wish I could help you more with your problem but I don't have an children and our situations are actually quite different. However, there seem to be a lot of knowledgeable and helpful people on these boards. The only thing I would suggest is that you post in your own thread.

 

[up in arms]

The only thing I would suggest is that you post in your own thread.

Thanks. I will do that.

 

[anchorwatch]

Are you really married or....just room mates?

Yep, been there done that. A few years of little sex, no attention, ignored, not happy. Got the we're just room mates and I might as well move out speech. It wasn't fun listening to that. Read a lot of books, listen to a posters here, did a lot if work. Really married again, things better than ever. Whew, thank God that worked! Don't know how far along you are, but have hope that it can be done.

 

[studley]

So I'm sure I'm not the only one out there who's marriage has become or feels like a roomate arrangement more than it does a loving relationship, and for me that's about where I am at now in my married life.

Same here. No sex, no affection. May as well be living with just my pets.

 

[FirstYearDown]

For us we will either have to get some serious counseling to try and get back to square one, or the next step is the moving out and seperating process unfortuneatly.

So sad. Do you think your spouse will be receptive to counseling?

 

[jaquen]

Same here. No sex, no affection. May as well be living with just my pets.

I'm very sorry to hear that.

Are you two making exit plans? In counseling? Committed to bring back the spark?

 

[SadandAngry]

A good book to start with is Divorce Busting, by Michelle Weiner Davis. You can read it, and start to apply the ideas in it by yourself. Once you start to act differently, your spouse will probably act differently too, but one of you needs to take the bull by the horns, and start! Other books that I've found useful are the 7 principles for making marriage work, John Gottman. Stop calling him honey and start having sex, Maggie Arana and Juliwnne Davis. Fight less, Love more, Laurie Puhn.

Once your partner is interested in sex again, you can make it better with Slow sex, Nicole Daedone, and some titles from the Cleis Press line up!

 

[Aggie]

So I'm sure I'm not the only one out there who's marriage has become or feels like a roomate arrangement more than it does a loving relationship, and for me that's about where I am at now in my married life.

I start feeling like that when we haven't had sex for a while. Also, it has helped me when I "show that I care" by doing small things and give her compliments. Living together without showing affection really isn't all that different from just being roommates.

 

[SadandAngry]

The little things really are the key, everyday. That's what's going to make it or break it in the end.

 

[Cee Paul]

So far she has not been open to counseling unless I go first - alone; but she has opened up and said that sooooo many hurtful and insulting things have been said by me that no apology is going to help, and that she just can't get past a lot of it and look at me the same way anymore.

 

[SadandAngry]

So far she has not been open to counseling unless I go first - alone; but she has opened up and said that sooooo many hurtful and insulting things have been said by me that no apology is going to help, and that she just can't get past a lot of it and look at me the same way anymore.

It is important that you realize that you are the only person you can control or change. If you have a problem in the marriage, you need to change yourself. Maybe you need to exit the marriage ultimately, it depends, but you can't just sit there hoping or demanding that the other person changes. That is guaranteed to fail.

 

[Introubledeep]

Currently just roommates for me, soon to be separated and almost certainly heading for a divorce

I have lived through almost 9 years of being ignored or despised. I slept in a single bed most nights for 8 years while my wife slept in bed with my daughter. We went for periods of up to 2 years with no sex, and for the rest of the time sex was about 3 or 4 times a year, and I now understand begrudingly given. No affection beyond a peck kiss on the cheek or a quick hug, although I was often pushed away.

We talked about lots of things, but never anything personal, intimate or close. ROOMMATES!

I finally woke up to what was going on, and I put the brakes on hard early this year and told her I wanted to move out. We went to Counselling, things improved a bit, but more importantly I got a handle on the wierd dynamics of our relationship. For a few weeks we started having sex regularly until I realised that her heart was absolutely not in it, I think she was just trying to hold onto me, presumably for financial reasons. Things soon froze again, we haven't had sex for 3 months now, and now I don't want to have sex with her at all. I don't feel any affection for her at all. We have not discussed anything about our thoughts or feelings for months, and she thinks that is fine, but I don't. I'm done.

The underlying issues have not been resolved, she does not wish to do any further Counselling to deal with her issues that make her incapable of any real emotional bonding or intimacy. This is not going to change, or at least I can't make it change.

I now know that the room mate state of affairs is not healthy or sustainable in the long term, not unless you are willing to be unhappy and unfulfilled. It comes to the point that I am leaving not simply because "I want to be happy", it is now a matter of self preservation. It has been soul destroying for me, and I can't do it anymore.

Based on my 10 years of suffering and hard won experience, my advice would be do not procrastinate because things only get worse, do something about it NOW!

Roommate syndrome is usually only a symptom of underlying problems. Deal with the problems. Make the decision to bring about change, radical change if necessary. Early this year I made the decision to try to fix my marriage, and if I couldn't successfully do that, to end my marriage, but I was not going to tolerate being in a loveless and sexless marriage anymore. I wish I had made that decision many years ago, maybe I wouldn't be facing a separation and divorce now. If it had resulted in a divorce many years ago, I wouldn't have wasted so many precious years only to end up with the same outcome - divorce.

Don't just suffer, make clear and decisive moves to fix the underlying problems in the relationship. The worst thing you can do is do nothing.