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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
Should the man always have to be the stronger/tougher half of the couple or is that sexist?

You may even agree that it's sexist but would you honestly still prefer to be with a stronger man who can protect you and make you feel safe? I don't think there is anything wrong with that either, attraction is attraction.

Most women I've known don't have any problem with it intellectually but it eventually becomes a problem.

I'm somewhat short for a guy, 5'6, skinny and small framed. I have a super fast metabolism and while it's easy to avoid getting fat, It is VERY hard for me to gain muscle or strength. There was a period where I tried working out and eating constantly but I got burned out by the constant effort and time + money that it took. Healthy food is expensive! Lots and lots of healthy food is VERY expensive! So, I've accepted my body type. It is what it is. I'm great at long distance running and I have visible abs, you play with the hands you were dealt with, right?

Soo... most women who are in decent shape and have normal (non-skinny) body types are stronger than I am.

I don't have much trouble meeting and dating women. Maybe I seem non-threatening to women? They know that I won't ever get grabby or pushy on a first date or turn into an abusive boyfriend if they can kick my butt pretty easily.

Some women don't seem to have much problem telling me so either. I was at a social gathering in my apartment building and a 30+ year old woman was talking about how she does crossfit and how much weight she lost, how many pull-ups she can do, yadda, yadda, yadda... she then proceeded to tell me, right off the cuff, that she could beat me up! Then this hot, younger woman who I've been attracted to, looks at me, sizes me up, and says "Yeeaah, I bet I could take him too" with a sly smile. I laugh along with it and make a joke about having "secret ninja skills" but wanted to crawl into a hole at that point.

A few random examples from relationships I was in...

College, I was helping a girl I was dating move into her apartment. (we weren't living together). She was pretty open minded. Very liberal. Very progressive and very anti-gender roles. She could easily lift more than I could. We'd be carrying a couch or a heavy piece of furniture and I have to keep putting my end down and taking breaks. Couple of hours in, I was panting and covered in sweat. She was barely breaking a sweat and doing fine. She looked frustrated but didn't say so. We fizzled out shortly after that.

Again, college. Dating a smaller, Asian girl (I'm not Asian btw) about 5'3, 115 or so. I figure she might be similar to me in strength since she is petite and small but boy was I wrong! She didn't look like much if you saw her walking on the street but she was solid, ripped and just crazy strong for her size. We were play wrestling once and she ended up knocking me across the room, into a table. She didn't realize her own strength! She could lift me up like I weighed nothing! I think she was the one girl who really didn't care at all about being stronger. She was also funny, smart and very pretty. Unfortunately, she ended up taking a job across the country though and eventually meeting someone else out there. LDRs are tough to make work!


Recently. Dating a part time model who is going to the same night classes. A bit out of my league. I've seen her around before, she's normally with Alpha type guys, players, bodybuilder types. I guess she was in some abusive relationships though and trying to change her life. Part of why she's doing night school. So we have the same class and hit it off. I'm totally different from the guys she's used to. I make her laugh, I recognize her brains, not just her beauty. We are at a bar one weekend night. Some drunk idiot starts ogling her and then hitting on her like I don't even exist. She's getting pissed. I ask him to please leave us alone since we are on a date.

His equally drunk buddies then goad him on... "OOOH Josh, better be careful man, you might piss off her boyfriend" they say sarcastically.

Then Josh gets in my face with a serious, tough guy look and says "Naah, your'e not mad are you? We're just having a friendly chat"

Then, my girlfriend gets in HIS face and yells "Eff off A-hole!!" (You get the idea, pretty sure I can't curse here)

At which point the entire bar is looking at us and we are all asked to leave, post haste!
We are outside and my girlfriend is taking her heels off, barefoot on the cold sidewalk and she is totally getting ready to throw down with this Josh!
"You wanna "eff" up my night? I'll "eff" YOU up!!" She looked more intimidating than Josh did earlier when he got in my face! He realized it too, muttered something about "Psycho b**ch, who needs this?" and him and his buddies went up the street to some other bar.

Later, she apologized. Said that this Josh reminded her of an ex and she over reacted. I asked if she thought she would have won, had they fought. She said yes without much hesitation. I told her that I wished I could be more help in a situation like that. She laughed and said she wasn't dating me for the "protection" but because I had different things to offer than guys like Josh.
Still, couple of weeks later, she breaks it off. Says it's her, not me. Later on, I see her in school with a bigger, taller guy. He doesn't seem arrogant or a jerk though so who am I to judge?

Just wondering what women in general think in a situation where they are stronger than the guy they are dating. Is it an issue? Wonder if my experiences are the norm.
 

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It sounds like for the most part people just pray on insecurities. They like to pick on folks who are not in the norm. I am 5 ft tall so I understand. jokes about being the size of a little kid, and stuff like that.

I like a small men. My Hubby is 5 ft 8. The size of the average woman. I would feel odd married to a guy who was 6 ft. I personally have met men who were not tall but very muscular and carried them selves in a very confident way. I think it has a lot to do with confidence. When it comes down to choosing I like a less then macho man. It is a safety thing. I do not want to be abused and pushed around by a man. I would like to think that we are at least equal. Muscular men and strong and overly confident men scare me.

Hope that helps answer your question.
 

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How old are you?

You do seem to really focus on insecurities. Perhaps you could do some things that would help to make you feel more secure about yourself.

An example would be to get into martial arts. From the sounds of it, you need to increase your stamina. It would help with that. Plus, with martial arts, being smaller can be an asset.

The reason this came to mind is one of my brothers. He's not all that tall. In high school he was getting picked on a lot. So my father put him in Karate. He went on for his black belt and has kept it up all his life.. he's 64 now and still does it.

No one messes with my brother. It's not his size. His movements are so fast and precise that it's clear that anyone messing with him would have hell to pay.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
When it comes down to choosing I like a less then macho man. It is a safety thing. I do not want to be abused and pushed around by a man. I would like to think that we are at least equal. Muscular men and strong and overly confident men scare me.
Yeah, I've heard that before in my life. Women don't feel as threatened by guys like me, they feel safer because they are the stronger ones in the relationship. Flip side of that is, we could be walking in the city at night and realize that she'd be better at defending herself if she needed to than I would. I think women also would like to feel protected and safe.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
How old are you?

You do seem to really focus on insecurities. Perhaps you could do some things that would help to make you feel more secure about yourself.

An example would be to get into martial arts. From the sounds of it, you need to increase your stamina. It would help with that. Plus, with martial arts, being smaller can be an asset.

The reason this came to mind is one of my brothers. He's not all that tall. In high school he was getting picked on a lot. So my father put him in Karate. He went on for his black belt and has kept it up all his life.. he's 64 now and still does it.

No one messes with my brother. It's not his size. His movements are so fast and precise that it's clear that anyone messing with him would have hell to pay.
Wish I had gotten into MA when I was younger & in school. Now I have a career + night school so it would be tough to manage. I could start slow but realistically, I think it takes time to get any sort of proficiency. But, yeah, something I'd like to start.
 

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You could take one class every week or two. There are also CD's that you can use to practice forms, etc when at home.

I get the full schedule thing. But if you want to do it, you can fit it in. And yes it does take time. Anything worth doing takes time.

There are plenty of guys built like you who have girl friends and marry. Your attitude is the most concerning thing. So do things to build your own self image
 

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Yeah, I've heard that before in my life. Women don't feel as threatened by guys like me, they feel safer because they are the stronger ones in the relationship. Flip side of that is, we could be walking in the city at night and realize that she'd be better at defending herself if she needed to than I would. I think women also would like to feel protected and safe.
Sorry. I don't want to be like every other female. That is not what I am trying to get across. I am trying to say though that if I am in a parking lot with a man who is not "big" then there is power in numbers. What is goanna happen will happen. I do not look to a man as a protector. I have never had any one protect me. I have never stood up for my self either. I find great comfort in a man who I know will not abuse me or hurt me. There is nothing scarier then being restrained by a man and knowing you cannot get away. Big men do that, smaller men do that. IT is not limited to big men. I just feel more as an equal when I am with a man who is not giant. I want to be an equal. Not someone who is going to push a man around and beat his butt or not someone who has to be afraid of the person I am with.

Big men can be timid to ya know. It is all in body language , respect and confidence. I have met several big teddy bear types of men. It has little to do with size.
 

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No dude

I'm fkn old, and I just got into MMA. And old meaning your dads age. And probably spongy like him too

It takes time to ramp up, but not that long. I've only been doing it for six months. And I feel great when I can take down a black belt. It's all about your confidence.

In truth, your never going to be as good as those guys on MMA night. Those guys and girls do that for a living. That's thier job. All day training. Every day.

And it's not about size. I've got taken down by a fourteen year old girl in class. I'm sure she can defend herself quite well.
 

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The first situation sounds like flirting to me. "she then proceeded to tell me, right off the cuff, that she could beat me up! Then this hot, younger woman who I've been attracted to, looks at me, sizes me up, and says "Yeeaah, I bet I could take him too" with a sly smile."
You could have figured out who you liked, go to the other one saying I could beat you, and then to the one you liked, I could definitely beat you up, you're very very cute, but would be no match for me.

As to the bar situation, you had to assess how much you liked her and whether a fight was worth it, and if not, her leaving was the likely result.

I think you do need to learn to fight which is a different skill than strength. I was bullied in school and regret that I did not fight more. Recently I was playing basketball, my son was scheduled to play, and another member objected. We started playing, I was mad and there was some pushing. He pushed, and I pushed harder and others noticed. He then warned me saying you'd better be careful about what you're doing and I said, HOW ABOUT I DO WHATEVER THE FU.. I WANT. Short thereafter there was some pushing and someone broke up the fight that was about to start. The guy and me became better friends and when he got hurt I offered to take him to the hospital. However, I was very glad I was willing to fight.

I think you need to learn a little about fighting for your self-esteem. My brother-in-law is a good fighter and I am constantly surprised at not simply his strength, but his tremendous wealth of knowledge about how to fight. The small bones in the foot are good targets and learn about pressure points. A head butt on the nose is a good tool. You should learn a little about basic fighting since that appears to be hurting your self-esteem.

That said, you need to be careful with women. Women may yell scream, or belittle but you lay even one hand on them, you can face domestic violence charges which are severe.
 

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when a (an attractive) woman claims she can beat you up, put her claim to the test - she is showing interest in getting physical, use the opportunity to. Get yourself some MA, but not Taekwondo or Karate which is all kicking and striking - go for ones that build your grappling and submission holds, so then when the pretty girls think they got you where they want you, turn it around on them. Sounds like a fun challenge. Definitely don't settle for feeling like you are crawling into a hole every time a woman tests your fitness.
 

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... My Hubby is 5 ft 8. The size of the average woman.....
The average woman is NOT 5 ft 8...more like 5 ft 3 across the globe, or 5 ft 4 in the US. A 5 ft 8 woman is actually pretty tall compared to the average.
The average male is 5 ft 10, so he's not too far off.
 

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I started martial arts at 27 and am a 2nd degree black belt. Could be a third but didn't want to pay test fees. Very empowering....i highly recommend it.
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The average woman is NOT 5 ft 8...more like 5 ft 3 across the globe, or 5 ft 4 in the US. A 5 ft 8 woman is actually pretty tall compared to the average.
The average male is 5 ft 10, so he's not too far off.
In north america (or atleast Canada and USA) the typical women who are interested in average guys like me (exactly 5'-8.5") are around my height or slightly taller. I like the petite (short) ones but in the past had never had much success getting their interest, those short ones usually go for the 6'-2" hockey player type. However I found a petite one with my SO who is 5'-0" and we fit perfect together (and she had her fill of tall guys and hockey players in the past)
 

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In north america (or atleast Canada and USA) the typical women who are interested in average guys like me (exactly 5'-8.5") are around my height or slightly taller. I like the petite (short) ones but in the past had never had much success getting their interest, those short ones usually go for the 6'-2" hockey player type. However I found a petite one with my SO who is 5'-0" and we fit perfect together (and she had her fill of tall guys and hockey players in the past)
:wtf:
 

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when a (an attractive) woman claims she can beat you up, put her claim to the test - she is showing interest in getting physical, use the opportunity to. Get yourself some MA, but not Taekwondo or Karate which is all kicking and striking - go for ones that build your grappling and submission holds, so then when the pretty girls think they got you where they want you, turn it around on them. Sounds like a fun challenge. Definitely don't settle for feeling like you are crawling into a hole every time a woman tests your fitness.
I was going to say almost the same thing.
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Well for starters youre 5'-6" so youre not THAT short. i think the avg male in the US is 5'-8" and the avg women is 5'-4" As for your build, how old are you? Most people are told men are done growing around 21, which only semi true. You skeletal structure stops at 21 but the avg man doesnt reach his physical muscle peak until his mid to late 20s.

Im 6'-0" and when i turned 18 i weighed 150lbs and looked like a stick, when i graduated college i was 170lbs (that was mostly fat, damn cafeteria food haha) now in my late 20s Im 190lbs and in the best shape of my life. It becomes much easier to bulk up as you get older as the body uses less of the food you eat for energy and more for muscle growth. Also dont give up, it takes 2-3 months of lifting to just get your muscles toned, only after that will you start to see muscle growth, most people give up before that hit that point. Some people are lucky and are naturally strong but for most it takes dedication. My wife used to laugh when i went to the gym, she thought my skinny body lifting weights was hilarious, but 8 years and 50lbs of muscle later she doesnt laugh and finds it attractive.

Also, to bulk up you need to first eat enough food and second avoid cardio and work on focus on strength training. if you run marathons you will look like a skinny marathon runner. If you lift weights and go squats you will look like a bulky body builder.

With all of that being said i think the real issue here is your insecurity. From my experience i would say that that most women are attracted to confidence first and physical features second. if you have a confident attitude and can offer other attractive features such as a good sense of humor, intelligence, sense of style, *good earning potential, power/authority/political/social connection, etc... you will be way ahead of an over grown meat head.

*Earning Potential: Most women who are not gold diggers say they are not attracted to money and in a way that is true. What they are attracted to is you ability to provide for them and theoretical family you might have. ive seen women who were not attracted to a guy but then find out hes a Doctor, lawyer, Engineer, etc...and suddenly do a 180 and are all into the guy. Its not that they are thinking "yes ill spend all his money" they are thinking "i bet he has a nice home, in a safe neighborhood, in a good school district, and comes from a good family who helped him through college, who would help support and guide us. We'll be able to retire early and spend our retired years in a cute little cottage on the lake."
 

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skinniguy said: I've seen her around before, she's normally with Alpha type guys, players, bodybuilder types. I guess she was in some abusive relationships though and trying to change her life. Part of why she's doing night school. So we have the same class and hit it off. I'm totally different from the guys she's used to. I make her laugh, I recognize her brains, not just her beauty. We are at a bar one weekend night. Some drunk idiot starts ogling her and then hitting on her like I don't even exist. She's getting pissed. I ask him to please leave us alone since we are on a date.

His equally drunk buddies then goad him on... "OOOH Josh, better be careful man, you might piss off her boyfriend" they say sarcastically.

Then Josh gets in my face with a serious, tough guy look and says "Naah, your'e not mad are you? We're just having a friendly chat"

Then, my girlfriend gets in HIS face and yells "Eff off A-hole!!" (You get the idea, pretty sure I can't curse here)

At which point the entire bar is looking at us and we are all asked to leave, post haste!
We are outside and my girlfriend is taking her heels off, barefoot on the cold sidewalk and she is totally getting ready to throw down with this Josh!
"You wanna "eff" up my night? I'll "eff" YOU up!!" She looked more intimidating than Josh did earlier when he got in my face! He realized it too, muttered something about "Psycho b**ch, who needs this?" and him and his buddies went up the street to some other bar.
There was a time in our early years.. we were walking into a mall...and this guy walked up to us and asked me out RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY Husband...obviously HE was looking for a fight... My H is a not a muscle man by any means, the most he's ever weighed was 160 lbs.. he is THIN/lanky.. he has referred to himself as "scrawny" in high school... he was bullied some in his early years.. He is a nice man, not intimidating.. I adore my husband, how he treats me.. (He is still stronger physically over me though.....of course.... I would think most men are , even the lanky ones.)

Now some other man might have stood up to this jack*** and told him to back off.. I personally spoke up.. and we walked the he** away.. I wouldn't have wanted my H to get in his face.. who knows if he had a knife in his boot or something.... do you have any idea how pi**ed off I would be if something happened to him.. IN my opinion, you just don't trust strangers-you don't rile them up.. so they want to F*** with you..

I don't care if I'm not with the Alpha male.. he doesn't have to be the strongest, the fittest, the top dog...but It matter a great deal how he treats me and if he walks with integrity in his daily actions.. I would much prefer he BE a man of common sense and to NOT throw himself in the Lion's den to get his a** kicked.. with idiots who have no sense of being a decent human being...I do know if my life or our children's were threatened in any way he would do ANYTHING to save us, that's what matters.

One shouldn't have to be Ball busting & finding himself in Brawl fights with other men .. if this is going on.. I think the man needs to change his lifestyle and /or where he is hanging out.. ...can't say it surprises me any that this situation took place in a bar though...
 
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