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Just as background, this is about an intercultural Asian/Western marriage.

He must think I'm an idiot. That girl cried sooo hard two years ago, and I can still hear their conversation ringing in my ears. I could hear the whole conversation coming out of the phone on her end, and from him beside me. He didn't tell her I was there. She(M) asked him if he had married "that foreigner", which in his language, is a disapproving tone. When he answered yes, she asked him if she could come over alone. He insists that she meant when he was alone, and that she would come with friends, but I did not hear anyone else mentioned, so she was just talking about herself. He said i would mangle her, and she started crying so hard. At another point in the conversation, I asked him to ask her if they had ever fooled around. She answered, "hmm, have we ever fooled around... well, yes, we have." He said, "What are you talking about! We have not!" But his tone of voice was laughing, like, you aren't supposed to say that! He told me later that he had fantasized about her, that he had kissed her and touched her, that he would spend his days at school talking to her, that he was really really good friends with her, that he had the danger of falling in love with her if he saw her again and we were on rocky terms. When he talked about her it was very affectionately.

As far as her feelings go, he said that when they were in college, it seemed like she really liked him, but she didn't like that he cheated on his gf, and so she wouldn't go out with him. She also didn't like his various life habits. So she was just his friend. But they were very very close, and he has often said that if the opportunity had been there, they would have probably gone out. He has also said that it is a very bad idea for him to meet with her often if at all, because of her feelings for him, and what his feelings might become for her.

As far as I'm concerned, if someone wants to hand out with my man, they should be on good terms with me. If she isn't interested in being my friend, then I am not interested in her seeing him. He says its not that way, that the people he is friends with are not necessarily mine, and viseversa.
In my country, people get married and their friends want to make friends with them. Its normal. My friends were excited to meet him. She cried when she heard he had married me and instead of a welcome, or a wish to meet me, she asked if she could meet with him alone. It hurt my feelings, and made me feel like I was not welcome in his circle of friends. He also says he is not interested in meeting my friends, but when we went to the States, I introduced them and he was really happy to meet them. I think its natural for friends to be happy to meet your spouse... unless there are ulterior motives.

After that conversation, they didn't talk for a long time. She was the cause of many arguments and suspicions. The last time they had emailed, it started because I wanted friends, and ended in him not emailing her, because he stopped talking to me, for two days straight, and said that it was because he could only have one important person in his life, and if he had his friend, then he didn't need me anymore. At that time it was like their cell conversation never got finished, so I just wonder offhandedly sometimes whether they talk through some other method even though he says they don't... This was about a year ago.

I had a dream last week. I have never seen her and he had only said that she was a little bit curvy. In my dream a young woman was watching a shop that he had at the mall. She stood outside and waited for me to get lost. I had the feeling she had done this before, so i asked him who she was, and he said that she was a good friend from college. She was a little shorter than me, with long curly hair and a very memorable face. She had really large, long eyes, a curvy mouth, big breasts, not thin, but not big, and although she was quiet, i could tell that she had a really strong personality by just looking at her. She was standing, waiting at the bar for me to leave. When I heard his words about who she was, i suddenly knew what was going on. I went up to her, put my arm around her shoulder and went away from the bar with her. We passed another shop and some girls in there looked really scared, and talked disapprovingly among themselves. We turned the corner and I faced her.
"Stay away from my husband. Don't ever talk to him again."
I bowed deeply, with a deep feeling of earnestness.

I woke up. The dream had been very vivid. I decided not to tell him, besides, M had not contacted him for a very long time, many months. I decided to ask another friend what she looked like when I got the chance. The dream had left me shaken.

Later that day, he told me, "I got an email from M just now. She asked where I'm living, and she called me by my last name. I answered her and asked why she used my last name, but she hasn't answered back." (Actually, she asked what area of the city we live in)
I was shocked. I told him my dream. He watched me, with a bemused look on his face.
I asked what she looked like, if she looked like the girl in my dream.

"Your description of her is pretty close, but I can't say for sure. I could ask her to send a picture..."
"Did you hear what I just told you?" I said angrily, "Why don't you belive me! Why would I have that dream, and then the same day, she tries to contact you!?"
"I told you already, she's just a friend."
"People don't fantasize about their friends! They don't say that maybe they would go out with them if they had the chance! Why can't you have normal friends? The only girl you are interested in seeing is this girl, and she doesn't seem right! While I have had to give up all of my friends, I can't talk to my best friends, who are completely innocent, because of their gender!"
"I didn't say that about all of your friends! Only the ones who I'm not comfortable with!"
"OK! So that means all of the guys!!" (and I really am serious. Any new guy friends are out of the question. Only guy friends who are deep in my past and I have never had any sort of even a kiss with in my whole life, are possible friends. This is a serious limitation, since I used to be a very free person, not a ****, but I have kissed some of my good friends before.)
"No!" He retorted.(liar) "Just the ones I am not comfortable with. I hate this argument! We have it all the time!" (jeez, I wonder why... perhaps my deep frustration)
He continued. "This is the only solution. Anyone I don't feel comfortable with, you aren't friends with, and anyone you don't feel comfortable with, I am not friends with, and that's that."
"No!" I retorted, "That means I can't have ANY friends!!"
"That's not true!" ... and it continued.

Well, I asked him if she had replied to his email. He said no, but he asked if I wanted him to ask her why she hadn't responded, and he almost jumped at it, and wrote that I wanted to know, asking me quickly if it was OK and then sending it. "Why haven't you responded to my email. My wife wants to know."
Then he left for the day. I was sick with a cold. He went shopping and ran errands. But he had left immediately after writing the email. I wondered if he talked to her and then deleted the conversations.
She wrote back yesterday night apparently. She said that she was just curious because he had moved so close to her city. She said that she was just an old friend, that she was looking for a bf or husband, and had been for a while, but was not interested in taking mine, and that if I was suspicious, it must be because maybe he was doing something wrong?
He replied to her that I felt uncomfortable because she had cried two years ago when we got married.
She replied "I CRIED?!?! I don't remember that!! Maybe I should talk to her."
I told him, sure, maybe it would be a good idea. It would be nice if we could be friends. (But now I see that maybe what is going to happen is she is not interested in that, but in talking to him, and she will only try to push the envelope...)

Well, he responded, "No way! I don't think you guys should talk."
I asked why not.
His response was, "After the way you act about all girls, your jealousy and your issues, I just think it would end badly!"
He emailed her that he didn't think it was necessary.
She responded that she didn't think so either and that, anyhow, she was just an old friend.
I would like to be her friend, but he says its impossible. He says she isn't interested in being my friend. I have the feeling that he doesn't want to talk to her much, or have me get involved because she IS really still interested in him and it would hurt our relationship.

He's right about my jealousy. I am jealous. But I only get really jealous when I feel that it is founded in something real. For example, there was this girl who worked at a store that we went to. She was really adorable and had a cute personality. I liked her personality and wanted to make friends with her. But he started to talk to her, and then she only wanted to talk to him. When we left the store after that started, like the third time we'd met, he said, "That's the kind of girl who I could fall for. She has such a cute personality. Its that kind of personality that I really like." Obviously, after this, I didn't want to go to that shop anymore, and he was happy enough about it, because he could have me to himself, and he didn't have to worry about me freaking out about another girl. He always said, "Its because of your jealousy that we can't go there anymore, but I have no problem with not going." or "You're silly to be jealous of her."

There was another girl, a friend of his, who is still our friend, but on the night that I met her, he checked out her ass, which was in front of him, and said "nice ass" and said later, "I could really screw her." I knew how much he liked her personality, but she is not the least bit interested in him that way, and I can tell, because she also likes talking to me, so I am not threatened by her.
Its when women only talk to him, and he is interested in them sexually, that I feel threatened.

He has also said a few times, "Don't have your girl friends over too often. I will get interested in them and it will cause problems. Anyone who becomes a good friend of mine becomes like a kind of lover, and if its a girl, then its dangerous." He doesn't understand having a lot of good friends, like I have, he says they aren't important to me, because the intimacy level is different. Well, I can't have guy friends because he has asked me not to make new guy friends. He has asked me to make only girl friends, but that they please not come over too often. And on my days off, to please only be with him. He doesn't drink much, and hates drunks. But we can have groups of people over to our house. That means like once a month, we can meet with people. Other than that, meeting people is like pulling teeth.

When I met him, he was into clubbing and shows. I loved going to clubs and dancing. We talked a lot, and were really good friends. I was very free, I was having fun in this new country where foreigners were really popular, and I had no strings attached. But I always wanted to be with him. He had a girlfriend (gf) but according to him, she didn't care if he fooled around with other girls as long as he came back to her. I really wanted to be with him. I finally gave up, went out with someone else, and then broke up with that person. I couldn't forget about him. I called my future husband and told him, last chance! He accepted the invitation, broke up with her, and we started going out.

We get along in so many aspects, but I feel really controlled. We have finally settled in to his country, and been married for two years, but I still feel horribly lonely, because I feel like I can't meet people. He even told me a few weeks ago he was worried about us having moved to a big city because I was hanging out with new female friends often and didn't have as much time for him. This was only 3 or 4 times in two and a half months.

I think he is out of line. Last winter, we were doing so well, and I said, stupidly, that I had a lot of experience. He flew into a rage and said he would divorce me if I didn't tell him how many people I had done anything with. Its not even that many in my country. Then he was even more incensed and said that he wanted a divorce, that he didn't know how awful I was. I felt cheated out of my secrets and my history. He said he felt cheated because he hadn't had the chance to get so much experience before marrying me, even though it was his choice to be with one girlfriend and cheat on her with tons of other girls. If I hadn't lived my life, I wouldn't be who I am, but he didn't seem to care about that.

He insisted upon me listing all the people I had ever done anything with, and if I didn't that he would divorce me. He seemed ready to kill. This fight lasted about 14 hours, total. I finally gave in and gave him the list, under the rule that he also make one. Then he asked me if it was complete. He drilled me. I finally gave in and told him one more, one of my best friends. He kept drilling me. There was no more, but he doesn't trust me. Among those in the list is my best friend, who I lived with for a long time and only fooled around with once, even though we slept side by side the whole time. I cannot see my friend anymore, or anyone else on the list. I cannot befriend new people because of my past, the past which he forced me to tell him. A past which made me me. How can he expect me to be happy when I am so restricted because of what he imposed in his fear? Am I the same as he is in my jealousy?

What should I think of this situation?
What do you think?
Do you think I'm insane?
Do you think he is manipulating me?
Do you think M is interested in him, or really just an old friend?

1,256 Posts
Your jealousy is warranted.
Your husband is a complete and utter butthead. He has no respect for you, but demands that you respect him and his obvious ways of demeaning you as a human.
Tell him to change or he has to go away.

1,323 Posts
i know a few guys like this and i didnt really like them to much, and would find any excuse to not call or visit. WTF!!!! he can have all the girls he wants and yours to, but you cant have male friends??!!

i dont know you situation, but this guys not going to change. he will cheat on you, tell you its all your fault for bringing girls around. he says things to women when you are standing right there, what is he doing behind your back.

he will make you dout your self. rob you of your self esteem. make you beg and pleed to stay and you are sorry for driving him into the arms of another woman. leave him dont have kids with him. he will never be daddy matereal.

he is immature. get out while you still respect your self and you dignity is in tact. he will suck everything you have to give, then take more and wipe his feet on your back while you appoligize for the mess!

i am sorry if i am way harsh or overly critical of him, you or extra judgie of your marriage...but you should go back and read your post. its not right how he is treating you run away from this little boy. find a real man get on with your life let the dogs get together and have fleas.

please seperate your self from this situation pronto. again sorry if i seem cruel but its not because of anything you have said about your self....

3,563 Posts
First off, that girl who cried is a psycho (no concept of reality), and your H is an immature jerk. 10 to 1 he has someone on the side, and his comments about how he could fall for someone is a way of sounding you out-see if you would be open to an open marriage or a threesome. As the H of an Asian, I always get guys telling me that I got it made, that I'm so lucky to have a wife that "obeys"-which of course, is a terrible reason to marry and is just plain B.S.
But it sounds like he is expecting you to be the "perfect" Asian wife-obedient, quiet, "Yes, most honorable husband" and always accepting of what he perceives to be his God-given right to use you for his needs and his alone.
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