Broken,
I assume your questions are for me. If not, I apologize in advance.
My WH appears to and acts as if he is remorseful. We are currently separated and he is waiting for me to decide if I can come back to marriage and reconcile. He, our daughter and I are all in IC; it's looking like MC in the near future.
During one conversation WH and I had, he suggested that I had some influence over daughter's reluctance to see or speak to him. I quickly (and regretfully angrily) stood up and told him that his adulterous behavior caused the consequences. I would not and will not influence our children to think or behave any way, especially given that they are "adults," albeit young ones. I know his comment was born of hurtful frustration at feeling he's lost his children, but I will not take any responsibility for his actions and their effects on our children.
Yes, I definitely see my WH as less of a man. He failed to resist temptation when someone young enough to be his daughter baited him. He failed to communicate his unhappiness (claimed he didn't feel I loved him anymore) and disrespected the entire family with his immoral, selfish behavior. I am an attractive, educated, strong woman who could easily walk away from him and support myself. D is still an option, but I do still love him and can't turn my back on 26 years of marriage without exploring where each of us contributed to the vulnerabilities in our marriage prior to the A. Please understand, he made and owns the responsibility to have the A, but every marriage has rich history which influences the choices of marriage partners. Life is messy and demanding; the OW capitalized on many stressors that were taking place in our lives. She literally planned her attack. Therefore, while I see him as less of a man today, he has shown me (thusfar) that he is willing to seek counseling, communicate and "do whatever I need to get you back in my life". Only time will tell.
I'm glad that you are working out. That will help release some of the pent up frustration and anger you're experiencing as it relates to the A. I've lost 15 pounds (I call it "The Affair Diet"
) and have been running. Nothing clears the mind and releases tension like physical activity.
As for everyone telling you to "man up"...this is a societal issue and one that creates pressure for men, young and old. Males are taught very early through family that they can be okay or angry, but rarely anything in between. Men are also programmed to be the stoic family caretakers. You HAVE emotions attached to this life event. Do not be afraid to explore them with a trusted family member or an objective counselor. This is EXACTLY why I recommended a counselor in my previous post. You may not have financial resources for typical counseling, but I would wager that there are free or low-cost alternatives available in your general area. Family members and friends always have the best intentions, but they may not be as "safe" and/or objective. If you're a person of faith, a member of the clergy is another option. I've been seeing a counselor and a priest on a regular basis since DDay.
Please explore how you feel with someone safe and objective. I am certain that you will gain insights into how you feel and be better prepared to work through your own grief while you also support your other family members during this difficult time. IMO, THAT is "manning up".
Again, take care of you. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.