Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.

Are the children of WS damaged also?

10K views 115 replies 34 participants last post by  Truthseeker1 
#1 ·
As we all know infidelity damages more than the BS but the entire family. I was wondering about the children of WS - who are old enough to undertand - how does it effect their future relationships? For example if a son knows his mother cheated is he less trusting of women? If his dad cheated does he think its ok? Same for th daughter of a WS. It just seems the fallout is tremendous. :scratchhead:
 
#2 ·
Good question. My dad had an affair when I was about 11. My mum and the church fellowship fought to save the marriage, eventually he chose to go with other woman. Family split. I can't speak for my older brother or younger sister but for me it made me very insecure, no stability, our family was the gossip of the community and it was pure crap. I was fully aware of what was going on. I built up a solid wall around me that I wouldn't open up properly to anyone emotionally because I was afraid of getting hurt. I didn't trust people. I've done my best to overcome it by myself but now realize and accept you need counselling, and I am quite annoyed my parents didn't give us that opportunity.

All I know is seeing my mum go through this hard time and the mess my selfish dad caused I knew I would never put anyone through that pain. I've always had a thing about bringing back honor to my family name. Unfortunately my selfish wife who I opened up to more than anyone betrayed me and left me for OM and now I am jaded. I've had to "resort" to counselling and in a way its great because emotionally my future is brighter.
Since my wife did the same as my dad I have ceased contact with him and let him know clearly that he hasn't made proper amends and the elephant in the room (no one acknowledging what he did) is no longer there, I don't respect him and I find it hard to say I love him.

So yes it does screw you up if you are at that age I know for sure.

btw he is alone now and he bloody well deserves to be. Just because you are unhappy do not blame it on your marriage!
 
#96 ·
Good question. My dad had an affair when I was about 11. My mum and the church fellowship fought to save the marriage, eventually he chose to go with other woman. Family split. I can't speak for my older brother or younger sister but for me it made me very insecure, no stability, our family was the gossip of the community and it was pure crap. I was fully aware of what was going on. I built up a solid wall around me that I wouldn't open up properly to anyone emotionally because I was afraid of getting hurt. I didn't trust people. I've done my best to overcome it by myself but now realize and accept you need counselling, and I am quite annoyed my parents didn't give us that opportunity.

All I know is seeing my mum go through this hard time and the mess my selfish dad caused I knew I would never put anyone through that pain. I've always had a thing about bringing back honor to my family name. Unfortunately my selfish wife who I opened up to more than anyone betrayed me and left me for OM and now I am jaded. I've had to "resort" to counselling and in a way its great because emotionally my future is brighter.
Since my wife did the same as my dad I have ceased contact with him and let him know clearly that he hasn't made proper amends and the elephant in the room (no one acknowledging what he did) is no longer there, I don't respect him and I find it hard to say I love him.

So yes it does screw you up if you are at that age I know for sure.

btw he is alone now and he bloody well deserves to be. Just because you are unhappy do not blame it on your marriage!
With that sentiment and assuming that children are damaged in some way by an affair, is the damage the same if the parents divorce because they are unhappy and not because of infidelity?
 
#3 ·
In some cases the kids grow up to mimic the behavior even though they despise it. Look at Tiki Barber former NFL running back. Him and his twin brother Ronde always hated that their father abandoned them and their mother for someone else. What does Tiki do? He cheats on his wife and files for divorce when she is pregnant with twins. The exact same thing!
 
#4 ·
Depends on how old they are when it happened, what they know about it, how they were or are raised, the reactions and responses they see from their parents about it, how they are treated after, etc., etc.

Yes, I think they have to be damaged somehow. Some more than others. I would not let that deter me from a relationship with a woman who has children and is divorced, if I were in the market. If you get to that stage, it's more about how you handle yourself around the wife or husband and the children. They will naturally compare you to their mum/dad, the new relationship to the old.
 
#6 ·
My dad was a serial cheat. My parents divorced when I was 10 over my dad's affairs and substance abuse. I learned 1st hand how devastating cheating can be to a relationship. I saw the pain my mom went through.

It was a difficult thing to process in my teens. But as I got older and more mature, I knew my dad did some scummy things and I started to do whatever I could to not be like him. I've built some pretty ridged boundaries for myself. I definitely have his addictive personality, that has led me down dark paths more than once, but when I recognize it I pull out quickly (Porn and Video games became such problems for me that I had to quit both).

My wife betrayed me online with a couple of dudes, and I found out about it a year ago. We are working on R. It's been very painful for me. Between the pain of that discovery and some transference of childhood trauma on top if it, I've been a real mess.
 
#7 ·
My oldest 13 has been lashing out at his mother.

He plays on a nationally ranked soccer team and she has taken him to 2 practices in the past 8 months. She has called the police on my boys twice because they refuse to do what she wants. She wanted my kids to sleep over my next door neighbor's house whom she is with now. My two oldest refused and she called the police on them.

Do they have trauma and drama? Absolutely. Is it hard? Absolutely. I can't hide them from the pain or shield them from what happened but I will support them and teach them that things never had to be like this. They know right from wrong and they stand their ground. I wish to God they would never had had to go through this mess but since they are in it, I am proud of how they are handling it.

Is their childhood stolen? Yes a bit. I will constantly teach them to be strong and do the right thing. I know they will be affected but hopefully we can take a lot of the pain and turn it into something decent.
 
#8 ·
From personal experience I know of the children of 2 cheaters who went on to do it themselves and wanted to see if my experience was unique. In one case both the dads sons cheated after seeing what it did to their mom. It always confused me since they were both on their moms side during the whole fiasco. I was stunned.
 
#10 ·
My FIL was floored that his daughter would do to me what his wife (her mother) did to him, since she saw it first hand. People learn what they see when they are growing up.. If you did some research, you'd probably find out the grandad cheated too. In my wifes case, the grandma (married to a doormat) was always sneaking around with the 'love of her life', who was married to the love of his life... So yea, it's a pattern I pray to god my daughters can break. Hopefully the way we are handling this as parents right now is showing that this isn't something that's okay.. it's something that is painful and devastating, not acceptable.
 
#9 ·
Our only child, my son, was 22 on Dday and was living with us at the time. I knew I had to have a conversation with him about what she did. I had that conversation with him even before I confronted her, because I wanted him to know why she would be getting out of bed and leaving the house in the next 15 minutes.

I was very careful not to frame her as a bad mother. In fact, I emphasized that she had been a wonderful mother to him and not to judge her as his mom. He is very close to her, much more than me.

I only gave him the basic facts, none of the gory details. I also told him that we would "probably" be divorcing. A week later, I decided to give R a shot.

Has it affected him? I hope not. I haven't seen any negative effects yet. In all honesty, I have worried about him losing respect for me for not divorcing her (to date). She certainly would have deserved it.

But at the same time, it showed him that some A's can be worked through with hard work and a remorseful spouse. He sees us with an improved marriage in all other regards. I hope that ultimately, that's a positive; but only time will tell.
 
#12 ·
Yes, I fear for my kids. My WW's Father cheated, her mother did a RA. Her grandparents cheated.

I think my eldest child has his suspicions, and all of them knew the marriage was really rocky for a good year. We are in R and they do now see all those little things like notes, dates, etc. I just fear that they learned 'cheating' might be a path to force changes in a relationship.
 
#14 ·
Afraid so. Our children were ages 12 and 16 when their dad had his mid-life crisis from H*LL. They are now 19 and 23 and have plenty of issues. The oldest is still a student and doesn't even bother with relationships. He now jokingly talks about how his dad went off the deep end. One of our daughters picks losers to date and keeps them around for a couple of years. Oh, and she told me card shopping for Father's Day is next to impossible. Hallmark doesn't quite have a card that rings true for this father. All the current cards would be nothing but a bunch of lies. She went down the list once--pathetic but hilarious. The other daughter can't get her life together no matter how hard everyone tries. She is NEGATIVE, depressed, keeps a boyfriend about two weeks, changes jobs often, and college isn't a bright spot either.

The above mess is only the emotional side of things. The financial side of this is just as bleak. That has been really hard on the children. They know their dad squandered a small fortune on women and partying. They also know he is the reason our family home was foreclosed on. Now they don't even really have a place to call home.:(
 
#15 ·
It's hard on them, but children are strong or need to be taught to be strong. My boys see me falter, fail, and struggle all the time and it's ok.

They have issues with their mom, but she needs to address it. Having a beautiful girlfriend that gives them hugs and mommies them has really helped.

Counseling has helped. What helps the most is I spend lots of time with them to help ease their pain but whenever they want to go with their friends I let them.

Also we are hiking the 2186 miles of the Appalachian Trail in sections. I know there are a lot of times when they are sad but I do not allow them to pity themselves. People who are destined to do great things in their life don't need pity they need someone to remind them that they are great and are meant for great things.

They aren't perfect and they are scarred but you know what, it's really going to be ok.
 
#16 ·
I was around 22 years old when I found out about my Dad's affair. My Mom called and told me. It had been going on for about 3 years when the OW came to the front door and confronted my Mom. She was totally blindsided. My Dad threw the OW under the bus and asked my Mom to take him back. My parents went to MC and will be married for 50 years next month.

I've never stopped loving my Dad but I was extremely disappointed in him. I mean, he was/is a really awesome Dad and what he did was so hard to comprehend. I remember thinking, "By having a MLC and an affair, my Dad has now become a cliche". I thought he was better than that. What he did to my Mom was bad but the lying too. He told us that on Wednesday nights he was teaching a course at a community college. I was so proud of him. Nope, that was his hookup night with the OW. My Dad apologized to me and my brother and since my Mom took him back, I pretty much rug-swept it and forgot about it, until ...

About a year ago it all came back to me. The reason I think it did, was because my husband and I turned the age that my Dad was when he had his affair. Also, I think my insecurities from being in my late forties didn't help, aging, wondering if my husband still finds me attractive, etc. My Dad's OW was probably 10 years younger than my mom. That must have been a self-esteem killer for her. Another factor that played in was I had been a SAHM for 7 years and I always felt vulnerable about it. Except for those 7 years, I always worked outside the home. While my mom loved my Dad, she really didn't have any choice but to take him back. She has never worked outside the home. She would've received alimony for sure but she wouldn't have been able to stay in the house she loved.

I really started to freak out. My husband never in 23 years given me any reason to double his fidelity but I started checking his email, his phone and the phone bill. Using Find My Friends on my phone to verify his whereabouts. He spends a huge amount of time on his computer and phone gaming. Was he really gaming? I started to analyze my Dad's life at the time of his affair and comparing to my husband's. My Dad had a lot going on, he almost died in a car accident and the death of both parents. All this happened about a year before the affair started, plus just the constant stress of running his own business plus my mom isn't always the easiest person to live with.

When comparing my Dad and my husband, they are nothing alike. I think my Dad is "nice guy" as described in the book NMMNG. My husband is definitely not. If we want to use the terms used here, I would say he has a good mixture of Alpha and Beta qualities with high morals. When my husband found out about the digging around his phone and email, (which he was totally okay withm he had nothing to hide), he was kind of stunned, like "What the heck is going on?" I think he was a little hurt, like he couldn't believe that I could think he would do something like that. We've had some great talks about it, (just had one yesterday), and I know he is very proud of our marriage, especially when we see other marriages around us falling apart.

So last year it was a 3 or 4 months of crazy insecurity and then a lot of self reflection, connecting the dots back to my Dad's affair. Things are good now.
 
#19 ·
I think that kids CAN be damaged by infidelity by their parents, just like they can be damaged by any other dysfuntionality. But how the parents handle it, if they try to get help for their children to understand what happened, etc will all play a part.

C
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#24 ·
Are the children damaged?
A better question would be: Who isn't damaged by an affair?

I was 20 when I was thrust into the middle of the problem. I turned 21 a few weeks ago. Still living with the parents, and I was perfectly aware of what was going on, and why they were really divorcing.

My dad cheated. Do I think it is ok for a man to cheat? Hell NO!!! There are no excuses for it. If you are unhappy, divorce, then go have meaningless sex. Or better yet, don't get married.
My relationship with my dad right now is strained?
I haven't talked to him for almost 2 months. And he missed my birthday. My 21st birthday. He was out of town with his 'girlfriend' and I don't remember getting a card or a message or anything.
 
#26 ·
Great question! Both of my parents were cheaters. They cheated on one another and mom went onto marry and divorce two more times. Adultery (hers, theirs, or both) was a MAJOR factor in all three marriages. Dad never remarried but had poor boundaries with women and relationship; he passed away a couple years ago.

The impact on me has been the ability to trust men. My husband of 20+ years cheated on me so THAT reinforcement hasn't helped matters at all. If WS and I end up divorced, I don't see myself choosing marriage ever again. I've been married twice, divorced once, then this. I'm sure there are good, faithful men out there and it's easy to say "I'll never...." but I really don't have the energy for this anymore. I'm also concerned about ever being able to trust a man, any man, after this. Seems like it would be easier to take care of myself than to have to wonder about another person and if they'll cheat too. I don't blame men as a whole and I realize my issues are my own, I just don't think I can allow myself to be vulnerable again. Too much effort for not enough in return. FWIW, my mom is old now and still thinks cheating is ok.... as long as it's her as the cheater not the cheatee. Sick, IMO anyway.
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#28 ·
I'm worried about this. My kids are 5 and 8 - the older one knows mom did something wrong. She says she's going to tell them one day. My biggest concern in all of this is my kids, and how this will affect them. Because it will, inevitably.

Honestly it really bothers me that their mother is so white trash, and basically a wh*re. Because they love their mom. But what does what she's done teach them about life and marriage? For that, I will never forgive her. I can get past what she did to me, but not to them.
 
#31 ·
Truthseeker1
I was wondering about the children of WS - who are old enough to undertand - how does it effect their future relationships? For example if a son knows his mother cheated is he less trusting of women?
Let me give you a real life situation. My wife cheated and it devastated my teen age son and daughter. Daughter (15) moved out, son (18) got into marijuana big time and dropped out of school. Did her cheating play a part in that? Yes.

What happened the next 20 years?

Daughter moved back in with us then got married and started her family. She celebrated her 20th anniversary last year. They have their troubles but it is not because of trust.
Son got a woman with two children pregnant and wanted to marry her, she refused. Son married another woman and had a daughter. His wife cheated on him and they divorced.
Son married a woman that is a missionary daughter with two children. They have their troubles but it is not because of trust

Just based on my 20 year observation I would say that my children were severely affected in the first few years. I stopped worrying about their affect after10-15 years. They are adults and have to learn to take some real big hits in this world just like everybody else. I will say this; my children do not use the WS as an excuse for any troubles they have and they are right to feel that way. I just do not buy into that excuse that someone hurt me 15 years ago so I cannot get rid of my baggage.

Frankly I think that a 30 year old using a WS as an excuse after 15 years is a cop out. I have told my wife that her A was over 15 years ago and she has proven for 15 years that she loves her children and has not even come close to another A. Any personal problems that my children have after 15 years are not the WS fault and that goes for me also!

Have they taken a hard hit? YES
Can they do something to improve the hit? YES


I do not expect a teen ager to be able to get over most of the pain and problems with trust but I do expect that to not be a huge problem when you have 15 yeas under your belt and are over 30 years old. As far as the trust issue goes you need to use a little discernment and common sense. It is your job to find someone that has proven for years that they have good strength in the trust department. Then you trust them with the degree of trust that they have proven in the past. Yes, I know, even then they can break the trust but you have to take a chance with trust to a degree if you do not want to be a suspicious recluse.



None of my children have a serious trust issue. That is because my wife and I have takes our hits in life, taken actions to improve the hits, and trusted God for the rest that we cannot do. That is all you can do and in our case it is satisfactory. I can understand those children that have parents that do not take the right steps will have a rougher time of it but you cannot blame our parents for the rest of your lives. If you really want to and do the actions you can improve your situation so that you can have a degree of trust in some people.

I have been cheated on by a woman and I trust another woman to a degree of 99%. That woman has proven her trustworthy to me for over 50 years.

Parents , WS, and everybody else that screws up royally, you can rectify that screw up to a significant degree if you are willing to do the right things. Just because you screw up royally you do not have to run around feeling guilty for every failure that your children have after they are adults!!!




Blunt
 
#37 ·
I've witnessed this personally and the real shocker is the kids were disgusted by their parents behavior and cheated anyway!
That defied logic to me. :scratchhead:
 
#38 ·
Quotes of Broken at 20
I was 20 when I was thrust into the middle of the problem. I turned 21 a few weeks ago
He was out of town with his 'girlfriend' and I don't remember getting a card or a message or anything
Your father is a cruel selfish punk! He may change for the better someday but your approach to him for now is probably best

Quotes of Broken at 20

I don't care if you are an ex-felon or a pastor, I don't trust you until you prove I can.
Besides, what is wrong with my views?
I would say not trusting people is being smart
I do not see anything unusual about your views nor do I see your views as wrong





I see marriage as a trap
.
Some are and you are right for around 40-50% of the population.



I am 21. What do I need counseling for?
Because you are 21 and have been hurt big time by your father.

You are only one year into dealing with some very hard hits in life and you are no where near 30 years of age. I know that many people think that a 21 year old is an adult and a seasoned person but there is a reason that you cannot be President of the USA until at lest age 35. Normally you are better equipt to deal with life at an older age. I am not patronizing you just giving you some facts. You will be a LOT better off if you take the right steps in the next 10-15 years.

You need to allow some kind of help so that you do not become overly protective and bitter so that does not affect other areas of your life. You can take the overly protective position and not take any chances and that may work for you. You could also use your views quoted above, find someone that you are willing to take a chance with and benefit from a deeper warmer relationship with some one. I am not telling you what to do just pointing out a little bit about how life works with relationships.


I have a grandson that is older than you. That does not make me wiser than Yoda but I may be able to share some thoughts with you that you maybe able to use to help yourself.

You have been shyt on big time by several people. Resist the temptation to let the hurts dominate. Instead use the hurts to motivate you to improve yourself without hurting others. You are young and you have a great advantage; you can use time as your ally. Don’t think that just because your life sucks right now that life cannot be a LOT better. There is a song from the 1960s by the Rolling Stones titled ‘Time Is On My Side”. That is you; time is on your side. It is up to you to make the best of it.

You are a very valuable young man. How do I know this? Because you have demonstrated some wisdom and you have come here to get help. In addition you have been hit with an emotional sledge hammer and you are not giving up, laying in the gutter, whining, and feeling sorry for yourself.

You can also benefit from other people that have nothing to gain by trying to help you. A good example is Moving Ahead and Truthseeker, see quote below


Quote of Truthseeker
Let these circumstances make you a smart man not a bitter one



Blunt
 
#39 ·
Your father is a cruel selfish punk! He may change for the better someday but your approach to him for now is probably best


I do not see anything unusual about your views nor do I see your views as wrong





.
Some are and you are right for around 40-50% of the population.




Because you are 21 and have been hurt big time by your father.

You are only one year into dealing with some very hard hits in life and you are no where near 30 years of age. I know that many people think that a 21 year old is an adult and a seasoned person but there is a reason that you cannot be President of the USA until at lest age 35. Normally you are better equipt to deal with life at an older age. I am not patronizing you just giving you some facts. You will be a LOT better off if you take the right steps in the next 10-15 years.

You need to allow some kind of help so that you do not become overly protective and bitter so that does not affect other areas of your life. You can take the overly protective position and not take any chances and that may work for you. You could also use your views quoted above, find someone that you are willing to take a chance with and benefit from a deeper warmer relationship with some one. I am not telling you what to do just pointing out a little bit about how life works with relationships.


I have a grandson that is older than you. That does not make me wiser than Yoda but I may be able to share some thoughts with you that you maybe able to use to help yourself.

You have been shyt on big time by several people. Resist the temptation to let the hurts dominate. Instead use the hurts to motivate you to improve yourself without hurting others. You are young and you have a great advantage; you can use time as your ally. Don’t think that just because your life sucks right now that life cannot be a LOT better. There is a song from the 1960s by the Rolling Stones titled ‘Time Is On My Side”. That is you; time is on your side. It is up to you to make the best of it.

You are a very valuable young man. How do I know this? Because you have demonstrated some wisdom and you have come here to get help. In addition you have been hit with an emotional sledge hammer and you are not giving up, laying in the gutter, whining, and feeling sorry for yourself.

You can also benefit from other people that have nothing to gain by trying to help you. A good example is Moving Ahead and Truthseeker, see quote below







Blunt


:iagree: Use this crap sandwich and turn it into something good for yourself Broken.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Acabado and EI
#42 ·
I also read somewhere about how having a cheating parent, can influence that.

I actually watched some youtube video about it. Don't ask me what it was called, or to cite it.
But some commentator said that kids that come from divorce homes actually feel pushed to marriage. They feel pressured, or perhaps are wanting, to find a replacement for the love they lost from their parents when they divorced. So they rush into marriage to replace it, and marrying young is a horrible idea.
And then when they find out they married too young, the same pattern happens. They may cheat, or their spouse may cheat because they choose poorly.
Pretty much a never-ending cycle.

As for myself, I am closed off because I find it emotionally safer.
It feels like my father has forgotten me.
My mother will barely talk to me. I don't even know why!
My work just abuses me.

To me, it makes more sense to be emotionally closed off than to be emotionally open. People can still hurt me, but it won't be to the extent that it could have been.


As for the meeting a nice girl and everything, I am sure that will happen some day...like when I am 24 with my job (and hopefully my CPA) and working hard. I am sure women will be interested in me THEN!
Right now, they aren't. Most of the girls at work are dating guys that are anywhere from 2-5 years older than them. Same at school.

But putting that aside, I still don't see what possible advantages a marriage affords me.
Regular sex isn't one, as evidence from the Sex in marriage forum here.
Fidelity isn't promised. And since paternity fraud is legal (and being half bastard doesn't help my view either) that doesn't make me feel very secure.
And I could go on, but I don't want to.

I don't believe marriage is a good idea. I have gone through the pain of divorce once. I don't want to go through it again.
And when the likelihood is 50% that I will, marriage is no gamble I am willing to take.

Maybe I am the outlier on the experiment about kids from a divorce home.
 
#43 ·
Broken - this is why you need to talk to a counselor - closing yourself off hurts you - it sucks the sweetness out of life. No one is telling you to marry - that is your choice. All your trauma if channeled correctly can help you become stronger and smarter. Idealism pertaining to anything - not just marriage - is asking for trouble - at 21 you know better - you are ahead of the game in that regard. Trust needs to be earned not given away and not every person has your best interests at heart. These are valuable lessons that can help you to navigate life better and enjoy the good stuff more.

You sound like you are holding in a lot of anger - I can understand why - but that anger punishes no one but you. Talk to someone - because living well is the BEST revenge. Everyone who has posted here pertaining to your situation is rooting for you! Talk to the people on this board - there is a community here willing and able to assist you.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Mr Blunt
#44 ·
At least her father didn't ask you to beg you to forgive him so he could get a second at a dying marriage.

And I work out some of my emotions.
I started going to the gym to pass free time my freshmen year in CC. And as my anger built up, I would just workout to relieve it.


And here is a question:
Do you see your WH as a lesser man for having an affair? And tearing apart the family?
You don't have to answer it, but think on it.


And I was told to be a man by everyone around me. My father told me to be a man for my mother (probably because he failed to be one). My grandparents told me to man up and take care of the family. My friends' parents told me the same damn thing.
So I manned up. I wasn't asked how I felt, or how I was doing. I was asked what I was doing to help my mom out. What I was doing to help with the family. What I should be doing to help them out more.

So I buried my problems. Because I was told to be a man.
I wasn't asked what I felt. I was told what I had to do.

I guess at 21, everyone assumes you are a man, and incapable of feeling major emotional pain. Or that you are capable of dealing with on your own after 20+ years of having it spoon fed to you from schools and parents.
 
#46 ·
Broken,

I assume your questions are for me. If not, I apologize in advance.

My WH appears to and acts as if he is remorseful. We are currently separated and he is waiting for me to decide if I can come back to marriage and reconcile. He, our daughter and I are all in IC; it's looking like MC in the near future.

During one conversation WH and I had, he suggested that I had some influence over daughter's reluctance to see or speak to him. I quickly (and regretfully angrily) stood up and told him that his adulterous behavior caused the consequences. I would not and will not influence our children to think or behave any way, especially given that they are "adults," albeit young ones. I know his comment was born of hurtful frustration at feeling he's lost his children, but I will not take any responsibility for his actions and their effects on our children.

Yes, I definitely see my WH as less of a man. He failed to resist temptation when someone young enough to be his daughter baited him. He failed to communicate his unhappiness (claimed he didn't feel I loved him anymore) and disrespected the entire family with his immoral, selfish behavior. I am an attractive, educated, strong woman who could easily walk away from him and support myself. D is still an option, but I do still love him and can't turn my back on 26 years of marriage without exploring where each of us contributed to the vulnerabilities in our marriage prior to the A. Please understand, he made and owns the responsibility to have the A, but every marriage has rich history which influences the choices of marriage partners. Life is messy and demanding; the OW capitalized on many stressors that were taking place in our lives. She literally planned her attack. Therefore, while I see him as less of a man today, he has shown me (thusfar) that he is willing to seek counseling, communicate and "do whatever I need to get you back in my life". Only time will tell.

I'm glad that you are working out. That will help release some of the pent up frustration and anger you're experiencing as it relates to the A. I've lost 15 pounds (I call it "The Affair Diet" ;)) and have been running. Nothing clears the mind and releases tension like physical activity.

As for everyone telling you to "man up"...this is a societal issue and one that creates pressure for men, young and old. Males are taught very early through family that they can be okay or angry, but rarely anything in between. Men are also programmed to be the stoic family caretakers. You HAVE emotions attached to this life event. Do not be afraid to explore them with a trusted family member or an objective counselor. This is EXACTLY why I recommended a counselor in my previous post. You may not have financial resources for typical counseling, but I would wager that there are free or low-cost alternatives available in your general area. Family members and friends always have the best intentions, but they may not be as "safe" and/or objective. If you're a person of faith, a member of the clergy is another option. I've been seeing a counselor and a priest on a regular basis since DDay.

Please explore how you feel with someone safe and objective. I am certain that you will gain insights into how you feel and be better prepared to work through your own grief while you also support your other family members during this difficult time. IMO, THAT is "manning up".

Again, take care of you. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
You have insufficient privileges to reply here.
Top