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Discussion Starter #21
Words of affirmation require familiarity to be effective.
No they don't. You are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. I love that dress. You really ran that presentation well today. blah blah blah.
 

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Discussion Starter #22
Words of affirmation can simple mean being verbally appreciated. Or it could mean a constant need to be praised, while not hearing any criticism at all and needing to think everything they do is right and good.
I think people who can't handle or hear criticism and need to be praised all the time... to me this can really cause you to pull away from your spouse and seek praise elsewhere. They are ego seekers. Who could be suffering from insecurity and low self esteem.

Words of affirmation is a tricky one... everyone likes to be appreciated. But the need to be praised and adored imo stems from a deeper issue.
I agree with this which is also why I think it is risky.
 

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Probably not...Gottman et al have determined that the initial behavior that usually ends up with a spouse cheating is that they believe their spouse offers no emotional support/connection. However, in follow-up work by Sue Johnson, she determined that ALL people expect emotional support from their spouses, no matter what "love language" they speak.
This is a very good discussion. Sue Johnson's book Touch Me is about physcial touch more than sexual touch. I feel that Chapman's 5 LL Touch is about physical touch as well. I feel that sex can be worked in to just about any of Chapman's 5 LL's, Presents (love cards), Act of Service, quality time (think aftercare), Touch (erotic massage with Happy Ending), and Words of Affirmation (positive "uplifting" dirty talk).

In a Gottman's Art and Science of Love weekend, they really preach the need to a long kiss and hug each day.

Yes, it is about emotional support, but that can be given in almost any love languages as can sex.

The original question is focused on words of affirmation. I think a healthy marriage requires compromise and give and take. For many of us, words of "negative affirmation" can destroy a relationship faster than just about anything else out there.

The giving of negative presents, the giving of negative acts of service don't seem as likely to cause cheating in my opinion as negative affirmations, negative touch (aka withholding all physical touch (or giving physcial abuse), or negative quality time (being mean and cruel or as David Schnarch would say Marital Sadism).
 

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Words of affirmation can simple mean being verbally appreciated. Or it could mean a constant need to be praised, while not hearing any criticism at all and needing to think everything they do is right and good.
I think people who can't handle or hear criticism and need to be praised all the time... to me this can really cause you to pull away from your spouse and seek praise elsewhere. They are ego seekers. Who could be suffering from insecurity and low self esteem.

Words of affirmation is a tricky one... everyone likes to be appreciated. But the need to be praised and adored imo stems from a deeper issue.
I would say that for words of affirmation to really make one feel loved, they need to be relevant and on target. As another said they require a degree of both familiarity and a degree of understanding.

The same is true for words of negative affirmation. If they are on target they can deeply hurt a person. A spouse knows their significant others strong and weak points. In anger they can emotionally wound their spouse. When my marriage was in a sex starved mode, my wife said things to me that I felt bordered on emotional abuse. She knew me and she was struggling to maintain emotional distance from me as she still loved me. The easiest way for her to maintain her emotional distance from me was to pick a fight with me and get an argument going. She was very good at pushing me emotionally away from her. I didn't cheat, but thought a lot about it at the time.

I think that those whose primary love language is words of affirmation probably don't cheat anymore than others, but it would not surprise me if they divorce more, especially if their spouse is clueless about love languages. I came very close to divorcing my wife.
 

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Words of affirmation can simple mean being verbally appreciated. Or it could mean a constant need to be praised, while not hearing any criticism at all and needing to think everything they do is right and good.
I think people who can't handle or hear criticism and need to be praised all the time... to me this can really cause you to pull away from your spouse and seek praise elsewhere. They are ego seekers. Who could be suffering from insecurity and low self esteem.

Words of affirmation is a tricky one... everyone likes to be appreciated. But the need to be praised and adored imo stems from a deeper issue.

I completely disagree with this position. With all due respect, I believe you have grossly misrepresented what "Words of Affirmation" even means.

It means that the person needs to hear they are loved (in words) and appreciated (in words) for what they do or who they are. I was raised in a home where everyone was very verbal. If you looked nice, you were told so. If you performed a task well, you were told so. If you did well in school and received a good grade, you were told so. I understand that other home environments were not like that. I certainly don't think it means that a person needs to be continually praised all the time. That view presents the love language as some kind of character defect

Your love language may be "Acts of Service", for example. That happens to be my wife's primary love language. When she's going out of town the next day, I will often take her car and fill up the tank or get her tires checked the day before. I do this because I know that is how she receives love and best demonstrates for her that I love her. Her family was not verbal but rather did things for one another.

This could also be grossly misrepresented if I characterized it as me having to jump through hoops for her in order to demonstrate my love or if I felt like I had to do this thing or that thing in order to satisfy her. That would be no different than how you characterized "Words of Affirmation".

Of course, everyone wants to feel adequately considered, appreciated and loved. Any of them could lead to complete abuse as well, depending on the emotional well being of the person, but none of them are wrong in any way.

I also don't think that having any one of them as a primary love language is likely to make that person more or less likely to cheat.
 

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Discussion Starter #27
I would say that for words of affirmation to really make one feel loved, they need to be relevant and on target. As another said they require a degree of both familiarity and a degree of understanding.
Any person with a high level of emotional intelligence can do usually figure this out after spending some time with someone. Working with someone for instance. Most insecure people tell you what they are insecure about if you listen to them. I stand by my hypothesis. People with poor self-esteem, shaky morals and boundaries and who are whose primary love language is WOA are like fish in a barrel for people looking to pray upon them. Kind of hard to spend quality time with the women from work who is married. Not that hard to tell her how beautiful she is.

Granted they have to have the first part though poor self-esteem, poor morals and such.
 

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I completely disagree with this position. With all due respect, I believe you have grossly misrepresented what "Words of Affirmation" even means.



It means that the person needs to hear they are loved (in words) and appreciated (in words) for what they do or who they are. I was raised in a home where everyone was very verbal. If you looked nice, you were told so. If you performed a task well, you were told so. If you did well in school and received a good grade, you were told so. I understand that other home environments were not like that. I certainly don't think it means that a person needs to be continually praised all the time. That view presents the love language as some kind of character defect



Your love language may be "Acts of Service", for example. That happens to be my wife's primary love language. When she's going out of town the next day, I will often take her car and fill up the tank or get her tires checked the day before. I do this because I know that is how she receives love and best demonstrates for her that I love her. Her family was not verbal but rather did things for one another.



This could also be grossly misrepresented if I characterized it as me having to jump through hoops for her in order to demonstrate my love or if I felt like I had to do this thing or that thing in order to satisfy her. That would be no different than how you characterized "Words of Affirmation".



Of course, everyone wants to feel adequately considered, appreciated and loved. Any of them could lead to complete abuse as well, depending on the emotional well being of the person, but none of them are wrong in any way.



I also don't think that having any one of them as a primary love language is likely to make that person more or less likely to cheat.


I understand what your saying. I think the point I was trying to make was that with words of affirmation it can be on a spectrum. Some only need to hear they are appreciated, while others not only need to hear appreciation but they can't hear negative comments, or criticism. Because like saying "thanks for doing that for me!" Makes them feel loved, saying "babe you forgot to take out the garbage", or "it hurts my feelings when you say x,y,z"... makes them feel unappreciated and even unloved. That's more what I'm talking about. My husband cannot hear anything he did wrong, he takes it so personal and he can't separate DOING something wrong vs, HE is wrong.
I was raised in a way we're we all make mistakes and we all mess up because we're human it's not big deal. My husband was raised in a place where there was no criticism, all this fake positivity crap. His family rug swept everything and there was never issues and everything was fine and no one talked about it or was held accountable. Now I say something to him and you would think I told him he's a terrible person! And he says to me all the time... katie I'm not a bad person you know. And I'm like babe, all I'm saying is you forgot to take out the garbage it's not that serious.
 

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I love words of affirmation. I love verbal appreciation. But criticism doesn't bother me at all. I don't take things too personal.
 

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Any person with a high level of emotional intelligence can do usually figure this out after spending some time with someone. Working with someone for instance. Most insecure people tell you what they are insecure about if you listen to them. I stand by my hypothesis. People with poor self-esteem, shaky morals and boundaries and who are whose primary love language is WOA are like fish in a barrel for people looking to pray upon them. Kind of hard to spend quality time with the women from work who is married. Not that hard to tell her how beautiful she is.



Granted they have to have the first part though poor self-esteem, poor morals and such.


This is a very interesting take and obviously offensive to those whose love language is WOA.

I would say that WOA is my second love language. It's nice to Hear appreciation sometimes. It's nice to hear my spouse say something nice about me to other people. I love that. I don't think I need that to feel loved, but it differently makes me feel loved.
But to go with your theory, I am a little insecure, especially with my marriage and my husbands love for me and maybe that's why I like to hear it. But it only means something to me coming from my husband. I am not at all a people pleaser, and need to be praised by others.

I think it's the people pleasers, WOA, need constant praise, attention needy, ego stroking people that you speak of that can't handle criticism that are like the worst lol. I think you can have your love language be WOA without being like those people. That's a whole other personality trait.
 

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Discussion Starter #32
This is the only part of your post that's accurate. Platitudes are meaningless.
To you, but not to people who thrive off of WOA. They are actually one of the most important ways they connect emotionally with others.
 

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Discussion Starter #33
This is a very interesting take and obviously offensive to those whose love language is WOA.

I would say that WOA is my second love language. It's nice to Hear appreciation sometimes. It's nice to hear my spouse say something nice about me to other people. I love that. I don't think I need that to feel loved, but it differently makes me feel loved.
But to go with your theory, I am a little insecure, especially with my marriage and my husbands love for me and maybe that's why I like to hear it. But it only means something to me coming from my husband. I am not at all a people pleaser, and need to be praised by others.

I think it's the people pleasers, WOA, need constant praise, attention needy, ego stroking people that you speak of that can't handle criticism that are like the worst lol. I think you can have your love language be WOA without being like those people. That's a whole other personality trait.
Which is why I made it a point to say the danger comes with a person of low morals and character. Even someone with low self-esteem if they have good character will not move to the dark side. But the combination of both low character and a high need for WOA to me is a disaster waiting to happen, because again it is so easy to give WOA without much effort. It doesn't have to be authentic, all they are is words. This is extreme of course, yes there needs to be other stuff too. Just saying you are hot, is not enough except in the very extreme but it does happen. However I do think it leaves people who have these qualities vulnerable. Go look at the WS section of SI and you will see most of those people have these issues and the affair usually starts with WOA.
 

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many of these books/counselors suggest asking your spouse "Am I doing OK? Is there anything I'm not providing that you need?" I think it's grand. Used to work with my various past LTRs and SOs...not with present wife. She thinks it's a weak and whiny question.
My husband NEVER answers these types of questions truthfully. EVER. Practicing 'active listening' with him is like talking to a parrot. One that is NOT funny.
 

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To you, but not to people who thrive off of WOA. They are actually one of the most important ways they connect emotionally with others.
People who do this only THINK they're connecting.

Look, if you want to think that words of affirmation neediness predicts cheating then by all means. I just don't agree with you :)
 
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