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Are my feelings of anger towards my husband unfair?

1010 Views 3 Replies 4 Participants Last post by  Hicks
I am from the U.S. and my husband is British. We met while he was on vacation in the U.S. I was reluctant to want anything serious with him at first because I had no intention of ever moving to Britain. I liked being near my family and loved ones. However, he was very persistent and was open to the idea of moving to the U.S. and even came to my city for a summer so we could get to know each other better. His friends joked that he had always wanted to live in the U.S. since he was a kid. I eventually fell in love with him and began working for an airline so we could see each other every month.

We decided to get married and made the decision to live in the U.S. He has an 8 year old daughter in the UK that we were concerned about so it was decided that I would keep my airline job so he could travel regularly see her every other month or so. When I voiced my concerns about how he would handle living away from her, he put my mind at ease by saying that living in the U.S. would work as long as he could use my flight benefits to travel to her throughout the year. I was very supportive of that and continued to work a job I didnt really like to make things work.

Shortly after moving to the U.S., it became apparent that his daughter's mother would not be cooperative in allowing contact between my husband and the daughter. This was very hard on my husband and I was always very sensitive to his heartache. When he'd travel to the UK to see his daughter (and I would go with him), he had no trouble getting the mother to be cooperative. It was while he was in the U.S., that she wouldnt let him speak to his daughter on the phone or give her his letters. We got married last November and he travelled to see his daughter in February and April, each for about a week at a time. In April he said he wanted to move back to the UK because he wanted to be more of an influence in his daughters life. I was skeptical that his only reason for wanting to move back was for his daughter. I wanted to be sure it wasnt because of other things like he didn't like the U.S.and that he couldnt find a high paying job right away. If his reasons for wanting to relocate us to the UK were purely for my step-daughter, I thought "Fair enough, we will go."

In a conversation about relocating, I asked for reassurance that his motives were about his daughter. The conversation took a very dark turn when he told me that he would be going whether I went with him, or not. Basically his words were. "If you think youre going to be so unhappy there and have such a hard time, then we can just go our separate ways." I was shocked! And hurt! I couldn't believe those words were coming from someone who only 5 months prior had vowed himself to me eternally. I felt I had to move to Britain, or lose my husband. I was backed into a corner.

Just a couple weeks later he moved to Britain, despite me asking him to stay a bit longer and give us more time together. We knew we wouldnt see each other for a few months as I had to apply for a visa to relocate there permanently. During those months that we were apart, I was very hurt and angry and felt so lonely. I didnt want to talk to my friends and family about it as I wanted them to like him. Sometimes when I talked to him about my hurt and anger, he would get angry and tell me to 'just get over it, its not a third-world country, everything Ive done is for US,' etc. It was the darkest time of my life.

When my visa came through, getting on that plane to London was the hardest thing Ive ever had to do. I was angry at my husband for everything he'd put me through so early in our marriage and was heartbroken to leave my mom, sisters, nieces, nephews and dear friends 5,000 miles away. Ive been here in the UK now for three months and my husband and I are trying to work things out and he seems to be on his best behavior. He has apologized for things in the past but seems to expect me to want to forgive him overnight and be in love with him again. I feel guilty sometimes that I dont have the passion for him that I used to have. He says it makes him feel bad. I dont know how to respond to this other than saying it will take time to rebuild our relationship after everything that happened.

But just when things seem to be on the right path, I will cringe when he passionately kisses me or he'll be annoyed that Im not all excited about having sex with him. If I stay with him, I have to sacrifice so much so sometimes its hard having a desire to want to make things work. I dont take marriage lightly though. Am I wrong to still have some resentment and therefore a slight desire to turn away from him? How do I let the past go and move on?
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I hate to think in terms of right/wrong in a situation like yours.

To me, it sounds like you have good reason to feel angry, but holding on to that resentment isn't going to benefit anyone. You feel manipulated because you were manipulated. You don't want to be there. He doesn't want to be in the U.S.

For his part, he does have good reason. A child needs her family's love and protection more than an adult, and he has discovered an obstacle that hurts his daughter if he's not located nearby. I can't fault him for that. Your responses so far are fair and honest. You've been understanding and have moved even when you did not want to. Your current behavior is teaching him that he must choose between you and his child, though, and that might do long-term harm to your relationship, especially when you're doing it in a way that shows him he's no longer desirable to you.

My recommendation would be for the two of you to examine how you can work as a team and best meet everyone's needs, and to separate if you cannot have a plan that satisfies you both. His daughter is young. You're looking at another decade of all this!
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Do you still have the airline job so you can visit your family often?
A decent husband to you would live in USA.
A decent father to this child would live in Britain.
Do you see the problem here?

When choosing a man, all factors need to be considered... You yourself could be thinking of having kids with him... Would you think he was a good father if he left your child in another country?
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