Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 20 of 60 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
366 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I've recently started questioning wether my unhappiness with my relationship has to do with my wanting something that isn't real. I know that marriage has its ups and downs. I know there will always be arguments and bickering but at the end of the day, shouldn't there be something special that keeps you together besides staying for the kids or just convincing yourself things are not that bad. For those who are happily married, I would love to hear your opinion on my list of what I would like from my husband. Be honest. I can take it :)

being married means I have my best friend with me for life.
I look forward to seeing him after work.
I miss him when he is gone.
He can make me giggle.
He can make me cry but apologizes tenderly when he does so.
He is pleased by all I do for him to make life more pleasant for us.
He lets me know what pleases him and I do my best to deliver.
He shares his dreams with me and I am a part of them.
He provides a safe place for me in his arms when I am sad or tired.
He finds me attractive and shows it.
He puts up with my quirks for the most part.
He understands what makes me happy and what makes me feel loved.
He opens me to new experiences and thoughts but does not force me to do things I really don't want to.
He takes part in family activities and adores his children.
He helps me raise the kids.
He provides a fun and pleasureful sex life.
He supports things I want to do and decisions I make that are important to me.
I can not imagine my life without him.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3 Posts
I could have written this post. I am at a point where I am questioning whether I am an ungrateful, unhappy person looking for trouble, or some of the things you listed are unreasonable to expect.
Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
975 Posts
1. I look forward to seeing him after work. Sure, that sounds nice.
But first, be a friend. Do you smile, ask him how his day is, plan some things. If you have made a good effort and he is angry or difficult, then you have a complaint. Don't expect more from him than you expect of yourself.

2. I miss him when he is gone. Hopefully.

3. He can make me giggle. Not essential. Some unfaithful husbands get lots of women because they are funny, most long-term marriages are based upon concern and love, not necessarily humor.

4. He can make me cry but apologizes tenderly when he does so.
If he's wrong, he should apologize. Happy couiples try to get over conflict but I assume men don't always apologize because their wives cry.

5. He is pleased by all I do for him to make life more pleasant for us. Sure, that is true. I think most men would say that, and some say women seem to complain rather than be happy with what they have. Men tend to hate complaining about things that cannot be changed.

6. He lets me know what pleases him and I do my best to deliver.
With some liimits. Women and men are not big on criticism. If a woman gained weight, she may not want suggestions. In successful marriages, people are careful about criticism or candor.

7. He shares his dreams with me and I am a part of them. Sure you are a team. This is something many men would say.

8. He provides a safe place for me in his arms when I am sad or tired. Many men are not too good at this. They tend to address contact in terms of sexual contact and tend to do little hugging. Common complaint of women.

9. He finds me attractive and shows it. Hopefully so and defers the candor you talked about it as people get older.

10. He puts up with my quirks for the most part. Hopefully on both sides. You can't be too quirky, the man who walks around with strange clothes or is sloppy cannot expect his wife to be happy with his quirks, and the woman who is cranky cannot expect her husband to be happy about it.

11. He understands what makes me happy and what makes me feel loved. Again vice versa too. She is willing to do things that she may not like, see a game, etc, because she likes doing things as a couple. They have common interests and both have a desire to make the marriage succeed.

12. He opens me to new experiences and thoughts. This may be a little much to expect to have him plan new activities on a weekly basis. At the least, he should be open to new activities you plan. If you thought you could afford a short cruise, he would try that too.

13. He takes part in family activities and adores his children.
He helps me raise the kids. Sure. If you have kids, he should help. That may be playing sports with the kids, and I taught my 2year old girl how to swing a bat and she can hit better that the boys she knows.

14. He provides a fun and pleasureful sex life. He should be able to do a B or a 7 on a 10 scale. You should have reasonable foreplay, a backrub, some nice words, and be able to defer himself for a few minutes. Most men are probably receptive to some constructive criticism. (not sure woman are worried about a few minutes of criticism and would think prolonged rejection would be better).

15. He supports things I want to do and decisions I make that are important to me. True enough. But decisions are mutual, a wife does not simply decide and expect him to meekly support what she decides. She has a good sense of what he wants and needs and contours decisions to minimize conflict.

16. I can not imagine my life without him. True but one senses people who are good wives would be able to live with different people and others are not likely to be happy in any relationship.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
14,139 Posts
being married means I have my best friend with me for life.
I look forward to seeing him after work.
I miss him when he is gone.
He can make me giggle.
He can make me cry but apologizes tenderly when he does so.
He is pleased by all I do for him to make life more pleasant for us.
He lets me know what pleases him and I do my best to deliver.
He shares his dreams with me and I am a part of them.
He provides a safe place for me in his arms when I am sad or tired.
He finds me attractive and shows it.
He puts up with my quirks for the most part.
He understands what makes me happy and what makes me feel loved.
He opens me to new experiences and thoughts but does not force me to do things I really don't want to.
He takes part in family activities and adores his children.
He helps me raise the kids.
He provides a fun and pleasureful sex life.
He supports things I want to do and decisions I make that are important to me.
I can not imagine my life without him.
I could have written this list to describe How I feel about my husband & how he treats me... only one of those does not fit.... I can't really think of any times he has made me cry, really hurting me..... the only crying he might get me to do is some happy sappy mushy tears... a thankful cry. He is superb at making Love... but I'd say I bring more of the FUN & creativity to the bedroom.

But I married a man who has Physical Touch & Time at the top of his Love Languages, he is also very sensitive, affectionate & Romantic... he has always preferred hanging with me over the guys..... he is a pure family man (helps the kids with their homework, plays board games & watches movies with them) ....tipped more Beta over Alpha...and he has a calm giving temperament by nature.

I don't feel it is asking too much.... what you describe on this list is the marital dream in how many wives (but not all) may want treated day in & day out... Some of the things you say may sound "too dependent" /needy like ...."I can't imagine my life without him"... I feel the hopeless romantic type does FEEL this way (I am one of those).... I don't see nothing wrong with it.

I'd say this ebbs & flows for the majority.....depending on what is going on in their lives at the time.

 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,592 Posts
I've recently started questioning wether my unhappiness with my relationship has to do with my wanting something that isn't real. I know that marriage has its ups and downs. I know there will always be arguments and bickering but at the end of the day, shouldn't there be something special that keeps you together besides staying for the kids or just convincing yourself things are not that bad. For those who are happily married, I would love to hear your opinion on my list of what I would like from my husband. Be honest. I can take it

being married means I have my best friend with me for life.
I look forward to seeing him after work.
I miss him when he is gone.
He can make me giggle.
He can make me cry but apologizes tenderly when he does so.
He is pleased by all I do for him to make life more pleasant for us.
He lets me know what pleases him and I do my best to deliver.
He shares his dreams with me and I am a part of them.
He provides a safe place for me in his arms when I am sad or tired.
He finds me attractive and shows it.
He puts up with my quirks for the most part.
He understands what makes me happy and what makes me feel loved.
He opens me to new experiences and thoughts but does not force me to do things I really don't want to.
He takes part in family activities and adores his children.
He helps me raise the kids.
He provides a fun and pleasureful sex life.
He supports things I want to do and decisions I make that are important to me.
I can not imagine my life without him.

Your list is great
In real life you will not get all those but may get some of those some of the time.There will be times when you just have to bear unhappiness and hold on until things get better


I think that any successful marriage has a lot of those in that list. I just want to warn you that expecting 90% of those to be present 90% of the time is expecting too much and you will be greatly disappointed.


I would say that as long as you have over 50% of them present more than 50% of the time, you will have a successful marriage. That is my observation about a very general question.


My response is based on LONG term marriages not marriages that have just a few years behind them

SimplyAmorous is a rare exception in my opinion
CONGRADULATIONS SA!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,104 Posts
I have all that and I've been married 21 years. Our marriage wasn't always so great but we've always been committed to making it better. And our problems had more to do with me than him. He's a great guy who I've always adored. I was the one who messed it up. It's all better now. :)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,138 Posts
I've recently started questioning wether my unhappiness with my relationship has to do with my wanting something that isn't real. I know that marriage has its ups and downs. I know there will always be arguments and bickering but at the end of the day, shouldn't there be something special that keeps you together besides staying for the kids or just convincing yourself things are not that bad. For those who are happily married, I would love to hear your opinion on my list of what I would like from my husband. Be honest. I can take it :)

being married means I have my best friend with me for life.
I look forward to seeing him after work.
I miss him when he is gone.
He can make me giggle.
He can make me cry but apologizes tenderly when he does so.
He is pleased by all I do for him to make life more pleasant for us.
He lets me know what pleases him and I do my best to deliver.
He shares his dreams with me and I am a part of them.
He provides a safe place for me in his arms when I am sad or tired.
He finds me attractive and shows it.
He puts up with my quirks for the most part.
He understands what makes me happy and what makes me feel loved.
He opens me to new experiences and thoughts but does not force me to do things I really don't want to.
He takes part in family activities and adores his children.
He helps me raise the kids.
He provides a fun and pleasureful sex life.
He supports things I want to do and decisions I make that are important to me.
I can not imagine my life without him.
I'm happily married and I think those are reasonable expectations so long as you reciprocate on all those issues as well and do the same for him.

I've also read some other posts of yours and you posted that you had an affair. Dealing with your betrayed husband's feelings from that will take priority. Whatever minor faults and shortcomings he had, and we all have them including you, he didn't deserve to be betrayed that way.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,722 Posts
I think those are very reasonable expectations as long as they go both ways. But I think us women do tend to expect more than what most men can offer (no offense to the men out there). I know I do in my case. First you(I) need to determine if he can fulfil thos expectations. And if he can't then you (I) need to determine if you (I) can live with that.

Once I'm over the mess I'm in now, those will be my golden rules going into the next one. I don't plan on settling, I deserve the best and so does my D, but I will be willing to compromise. Are you?
Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,574 Posts
I strongly second the advice given earlier to not ask for more than you are willing to give in return. A corollary to this is to consider his needs equally important to yours.

By going online and through IRL experiences, I've seen attitudes suggesting that men are supposed to provide more, expect less, or defer to women in crucial family life arenas such as sex, finances, and division of family responsibilities.

Those attitudes might not be the norm, but they do exist. And you may not be aware of those biases if you've been exposed to them your entire life. But, they are damaging to relationships and must be guarded against.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
14,139 Posts
I have all that and I've been married 21 years. Our marriage wasn't always so great but we've always been committed to making it better. And our problems had more to do with me than him. He's a great guy who I've always adored. I was the one who messed it up. It's all better now. :)
I was similar at one time.... I took my good husband for granted....putting our children before him/ in bed with us... somehow he still treated me amazing through it all.... probably why it didn't shake me up to realize he needed more from me.... he should have given me some lip service & let me know what for!!

His only complaint was in the sexual ~ wanting a little more ~ the rest was still good.



Mr Blunt!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
366 Posts
Discussion Starter · #13 ·
Thanks for all your responses. I have and will try my best to treat my husband as I would want to be treated. We actually had a therapy session today that went extremely well. Oddly enough, our relationship has been better than it has been in years since he found out about the affair. At least I feel better knowing that what I would like is not that unrealistic. It's easy to fall in a rut and think "oh this is just what marriage is supposed to be" and both of us were guilty of that. It's good to hear stories from people who sound truly happy and in love with their spouse.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5 Posts
I read a book and it advised to let go of the "wanting" because that is the source of our unhappiness, easier said than done, I know. I don't think your expectations are unrealistic. The other day I told a joke to my teenage daughter and she didn't find it funny, so I said to her, I am going to prove you that Ron is in love with me, I repeated the joke to my husband and he found it amusing!
That said, nobody is perfect and I can complain on other departments of my marriage, that's who I am, a complainer; I count my blessings when it comes to my husband and try to make things work, that's all we can do. Good luck.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,044 Posts
I think the responses that indicate the importance of reciprocal feelings, expectations and actions hit on the key to healthy, happy relationships.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
366 Posts
Discussion Starter · #17 ·
I do offer what I want in return. Obviously some of the things I want, my husband doesn't and vice versa. We actually exchanged lists and his was quite different than mine. The core idea was the same and that was about feeling loved by the person you are with.
Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Administrator
Joined
·
45,148 Posts
You and your husband might benefit from the books linked to in my signature block below for building a passionate marriage. It's all about being able to communicate your needs to each other and then each of you working to meet those needs.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,453 Posts
Everything on your list is reasonable, IMO. It goes without saying, though, that this has to be a two way street, otherwise this ideal won't last very long.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
10,214 Posts
I do offer what I want in return. Obviously some of the things I want, my husband doesn't and vice versa. We actually exchanged lists and his was quite different than mine. The core idea was the same and that was about feeling loved by the person you are with.
Posted via Mobile Device
I really do like your list, and I find it quite simple.
You have also factored in room for disappointment. Your expectations are quite moderate ,which I find to be very mature.
I was just wondering what did his list look like?
I ask this because you mentioned that you two exchanged lists.
 
1 - 20 of 60 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top